


I Promise You This

by ssaki99



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Light Dom/sub, Past Abuse, Porn with Feelings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Reader-Insert, References to Illness, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:46:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 45
Words: 141,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28354149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssaki99/pseuds/ssaki99
Summary: Y/N was an enigma. Aaron Hotchner could name at the very least five facts about his team members aside from what was on their files, but after a year of working with Y/N, he couldn't even tell you one. Y/N is a puzzle Aaron Hotchner is determined to solve, but little does he know is she has a past that continues to follow her like a ghost.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Reader, Aaron Hotchner/Reader
Comments: 328
Kudos: 306





	1. Chapter One: All That Emptiness Knows Just Where I Live

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first CM Fanfic...nevermind I haven’t written fanfiction in almost five years, so please be easy with me! I have recently fallen in love with the CM fandom through Tumblr (@thesmileykiley) and TikTok (@ssa.ki99). I would love to connect with more CM obsessed people! 
> 
> This story is going to be multiple parts and most likely a slow-burn. I am rating it mature for future chapters. Also, there are mentions of past domestic/general abuse, past gaslighting, suicide, and chronic illness in here if any of those are triggering for you. I will add a TW before each chapter if anything else arises. Also to clarify any question of insensitivity, I am a victim of abuse, so I am not trying to be insensitive at all, just trying to show a Y/N character that is different from many that I have seen. 
> 
> I do not own any characters except Y/N, nor the show. Please let me know what you all think!!

You stare blankly out the window of the jet, sleep not consuming you, and idle conversation among your team members not interesting you. Both headphones in your ear, but the music at a dull volume, you could barely hear it. 

There were three missing children, you knew the odds, but still, your mind went empty. 

A burst of roaring laughter startled you from your trance. You looked and Morgan was giving Spencer shit, once again, the whole team joining in, laughter from around. Even Hotch, you knew whatever they were joking about, must’ve been good if it got your stoic boss to laugh along. 

It wasn’t rare for you to be sitting alone, whether it be with a book, or with your headphones as you’re doing now. You shake your head at the cliche every time you think of it. You have always had trouble fitting in, but not in the way most would agree with. The funny thing is, you being the youngest member of this team, the newest, and most definitely the least experienced member of the team, none of that separated you from your teammates. 

The team was accepting and extremely welcoming, any other person would have been thrilled to be a part of something this big. You were not any other person, to say the least. For twenty-three years old you had been through hell and back. Your childhood was short-lived caused by being parentified at a young age. You were raised by teen parents who most times came to you for solutions to their problem as a friend and not a daughter. You felt guilt most of your childhood for being the reason your parent’s dreams did not come true and you were stuck watching them barely make it paycheck to paycheck.

As a teen, you racked up medical bills, in and out of the hospital on a weekly basis after being diagnosed with chronic illness. Your mental health plummeted and you felt anxiety at a younger age than most. You didn’t fit in. You were somehow the student who missed 200 days of school one semester but still got all A’s. You didn’t go to the prom or have a high school sweetheart. You didn’t have a group of friends, not even one, because every person would get tired of your inconsistent schedule as sometimes you would make plans but end up in a hospital instead. 

After high school, you made it into your dream colleges, but you let a boy talk you out of that decision. You so wanted to be loved, at seventeen years old, you would have let anyone promise you the world and you would have believed them. You were so naive. The same boy who promised you the world was the one who hit you behind closed doors with both the back of his hand and his words.

You were made to believe for so long that you were worthless. You weren’t half as pretty as most girls. You weren’t smart. You wouldn’t make it anywhere. Your health makes you bad goods. Nobody would ever want you except him, he said. So you moved with him all across the country and tried to hide those tears that so badly wanted to outpour at every waking moment. Every phone call home was another one trying to convince your loving mother that you were okay, when you were so far from the definition, you needed a dictionary.  
You finally got the courage to leave. You needed your life back, your future was put on hold, and being doubted for so long, you needed help. That’s when he decided to try and kill himself right in front of you. The keyword there is “try”. He “tried” knowing he’d fail because it was a manipulation tactic, you know that now, but nineteen-year-old Y/N stayed with him for a whole year until he found something shiny and new to push you aside for. 

Nobody on the team knows any of this. There is nothing that would even hint at it on your file other than the odd timeline for your undergrad degree. The only one who ever asked was Spencer, but you told him what you told everyone else, you took time to travel after high school. 

You quickly finished your undergraduate degree by the age of twenty-one and very quickly moved onto grad school. Your health remained an issue time and time again, but again, nobody would ever know it, you never dared to list it on your file. The only people who knew were your mother, father, and your younger sister, Mary. There was no need to put doubt in anyone’s mind ever again that you couldn’t get a job done or be successful because of your health. You physically had no limits, so it wasn’t useful anyway. 

Years of therapy helped you realize why some of your demons stayed with you this long. It gave you the courage to apply to the academy, something you always dreamed of. The same week you began working on your graduate degree while working at a local field office, you got the call from the BAU. It was a dream come true. 

Though you had only been there a year presently, you had made quite the impression in the field. You may have been quiet and reserved on off-hours with your team, but when it came to getting the job done, you always had their back. Your lifetime’s supply of trauma gave you a different insight with profiling that always seemed to keep your teammates on their toes, especially Hotch. 

Hotch was always skeptical of the newbies, but sometimes he would blink twice in awe that at your age and lack of experience made you a better profiler than some that were twice your age. He always wondered how, but never asked or gave clues that he was anymore invested in your progress than any of your other teammates.

You stared back out the window, the flight was almost at the destination. You internally cursed to yourself, as low as your music played, your music shuffled to a song you once loved but now looked back on with aggravation, reminding you of the last person you trusted enough to really know you. 

“What are you listening to?” 

You jumped not noticing Hotch had slid into the seat across from you. You met his eyes, he furrowed his eyes in amusement at how easily startled you were. He thought to himself how it was nice seeing you show some emotion, even if it was you being startled by him. You walked around with a carefree, calm nature. To any outsider, it would appear very little actually bothered you. 

You laughed, “Sorry,” you smiled, shaking your head, “It’s nothing.” You looked back to your phone and paused the song taking both headphones out of your ear. You blushed at how stupid you must have looked being caught up in your own thoughts and startled so easily. You were always playing the second-guessing game internally with yourself whether the people around you actually respected you. 

Hotch caught on very quickly that you spent a lot of your free time on cases in solitude when you could. The rest of the team just picked up it, assuming that was how you would unwind. Everyone had their little mannerisms whether it be on the flight to a case or on the way back. Morgan always listened to his music loudly, Spencer would convince someone to play chess with him or read, JJ always brought a good magazine and a pillow to curl up with on the couch, Rossi would always find someone to talk their ear off, Emily could quickly turn off her thoughts and slip into a slumber easier than anyone, and Hotch without a doubt always was looking through the next file. 

Hotch noticed early on that your solitude seemed less than unwinding when every so often when you were deep in thought, you would crinkle your nose or furrow your brows. One day when he caught himself gazing longer than he probably should, he excused it as looking out for you because...you’re new. 

When you excused yourself one day at the BAU for an important phone call, Hotch was the only one who noticed you had come back to the roundtable with glassy eyes. What he didn’t know was that was your doctor calling saying your bloodwork came back less than perfect. Hotch noticed your hands shaking as you flipped through your file trying to catch up. He shook his head and told himself he tried to keep an eye out for you because...well you were the youngest. That was a good reason, he felt to keep extra tabs on you. 

Hotch didn’t know why he was so drawn to you. You were an enigma to him. He wasn’t half as mature when he was your age. Sometimes he felt you even handled the heavier cases better than him, but still showed more compassion to victims than anyone. You were hard and soft and everything in between. Everything he was taught to be in this line of work told him something led you to be this way. Something caused you to understand some type of pain, but you were not hard towards the world as one might be. 

You picked at your nails as Hotch just continued to look your way, not saying much. You took that as a cue to make conversation as you shifted in your seat. 

“What were you all laughing about earlier?” You asked softly. Even though it had been a year with Hotch as your boss, something about a man in such authority made you nervous, but his actions as a teammate always contradicted all of your speculations of who Hotch actually was. Your work put you all in impossible situations, it would be hard not to trust someone who was usually in charge of your fate, but that didn’t make it less nervewracking when it came time to talking with him one-on-one. 

Hotch straightened as he realized you noticed his silence, “Always something to laugh about with Reid,” He shrugged, “Another day, another hairstyle.” He smirked. 

It was unlike Hotch sit with you alone, nevermind making jokes in your presence, you smiled back and decided to add some of your own whits, “Last week he looked like a member of N’Sync, this week he’s going for that timeless Jimmy Stewart look to keep us on our toes.” You chuckled. 

Hotch laughed, shaking his head. He placed his fingers on the bridge of his nose and sighed, realizing you all were about to land in Phoenix, Arizona at any moment. 

Deciding to get back to business as usual, he looked back at you, “You have reviewed the case file again?” 

“Mhm,” You nodded, looking back out the window taking a deep breath. Phoenix is where you lived for quite a while with your ex. You were glad you were not on a commercial flight, as you’re not sure you could mentally take a reminder of the number of tears shed in that airport. “I haven’t been to Pheonix in ages.” You sighed, still looking out the window, watching the jet land. 

“Family live here?” Hotch asked casually. You didn’t even realize you said that out loud. You never share that freely, especially with your boss. You second guess everything and anything that could make you look weak or lesser. Most of you blames your abusive ex for letting him get in your head and doubt your self-confidence so much. 

You looked up, almost wide-eyed, “Oh, no.” You shook your head, reaching for your bag beginning to grab your things, “Traveled a lot in my late teens.” You shrugged. 

The lie you told anyone who ever got close enough to ask. 

“Do you know the area well?” Hotch raised an eyebrow, closing his file and beginning to stand as the jet had finally landed.

You followed, standing and pulling your bag over your shoulder, “I know some areas of Phoenix and Scottsdale.” You stated comfortably. “I lived right outside of Pheonix for a really short period of time.” You threw out as you began to step into the aisle of the plane. 

Before Hotch could answer, not knowing that about you, or something boss-like on how that wasn’t in your file, Morgan interrupted, “I didn’t know that about you, kid.” He observed, tossing his arm around your shoulder, walking out of the jet together. 

Hotch stood back and sighed grabbing his briefcase. Y/N Y/L/N was a mystery to him. Not her work ethic, not her performance. All of that she proved time and time again to him and the rest of the team, but Hotch could tell someone at least five things he knew about each of his team members not relating to work. But you? You were a puzzle he was drawn to put together.


	2. Chapter Two: Calls or Guilty Thrown At Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back with another chapter! Thank you for the support on the previous chapter! It means the world.
> 
> Once again I do not own any of the characters besides the original characters and Y/N! 
> 
> Abuse TW and canon depicted violence.
> 
> Chapter Two: Calls if Guilty Thrown at me

You could see the thick Arizona heat in the air and you hadn’t even left the jet yet. You walked off the jet side-by-side with Morgan and internally collected yourself, something you learned over the years to do, it got easier and easier to swallow the grief with each passing moment. You wouldn’t allow yourself to wallow in self pity or pain until you were behind closed doors. 

Rossi and Hotch were the last two to walk off the plane. Hotch always made it a habit of thanking the pilot for each flight given he was one of the unsung heroes of the team that always got them places when needed. 

“You ever wonder when she’s going to break?” Rossi questioned Hotch, referring to you.

“Who?” Hotch asked, not even thinking that Rossi or the rest of the team noticed him slipping away from their conversation on the jet to sit with you.

“Y/N,” Rossi replied, “She’s 23 years old, she was thrown into this job at a difficult time,” Rossi shrugged as Hotch just listened, “It all gets too heavy for us every once in a while, but Y/N, she hasn’t broke.” He shook his head, “She went from being a normal college student to working minimal cases at a local field office, to cases like this where we know the odds and outcomes are brutal.”  
Hotch took in what Dave said to him, he always looked out for you and couldn’t deny he often wondered why or how you handled all of this so early on in your career. 

“I have no reason to question her skills as an agent,” Hotch said sternly, “How she deals with things outside of our hours on the clock is not my concern if she can come in and do the job we ask of her.” He said detached from every emotion he felt towards you as one of his team members, nevermind someone he was constantly bewildered by. 

The entire team drove to the local police department. They were filled in on various details regarding the case. Three children, all under the age of nine years old were taken. There was one lead, so far. The profile led them to believe they were looking for a team, possibly a husband and wife. One dominant, most likely the male, and one submissive, the female. The only thing connecting the three children was all three of them were involved in local sports.

Garcia was able to track down people involved in the K-12’s youth sports. The persistent analyst made it easy to find there was one recently fired soccer coach who had a record calls from neighbors. 

“The report says that Cliff Hall and his wife, Melinda used to live on 35 Breeze Road.” Garcia said on speaker, “The report says their previous neighbor called numerous times for noise complaints, yelling and seemingly violent behavior from Cliff towards Melinda, but nothing on Melinda’s side against Cliff.”

“Do you have an address for the old neighbor?” Morgan asked, lifting the phone to his mouth.

“Yessiree,” Garcia chirped, “38 Breeze Road, resides Laura and William Read and their two children.” 

“Awesome, baby girl,” Morgan said. 

“Garcia, see if the Hall’s have any family in the area or anything recently that could have been a trigger,” Hotch said, furrowing his brows. 

“Coming right up, sir, it doesn’t seem their file has anything very extensive, so just give me a moment, loves’.” Garcia said, hanging up the phone.

Hotch looked around at his team, “Morgan and JJ, I want you both to go get whatever you can from the Reid family,” Hotch said, reaching for the fax the local officer handed him from Garcia. “It seems the Hall’s lived there for years, up until the last two months actually.”

“Communities like these are tight knit, all houses the same look and style,” You added, “You don’t live in a neighborhood like those and not know those around you. Around these types of neighborhoods they probably have monthly meetings or emails for the community.” 

“It does look like more of a community than anything,” Reid said, “I would think you would have to have some sort of job to be able to afford a house on a street like this. Given the average house costs $385,000 in Arizona.” 

“Alright, good,” Hotch said, “Morgan, JJ, call when you find something out. Rossi, Emily, and Reid, I want you to go to the youth sports center and see if you can ask about Cliff Hall and what led to his dismissal.” Hotch nodded towards the three agents. “Y/N, I want you with me to talk with the families. Officer Jacobs says they are waiting in the main area.” 

You looked up at Hotch surprised he chose you to stick with him. He would usually choose JJ to speak with families of children gone missing. You just nodded and said, “Okay, sounds good.”

“We’ll meet back here in an hour if nothing changes,” Hotch said, gathering his files as the rest of the team split. 

You reached down on the desk for your files, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. You never wore your hair up, it was like your protective shield, but even in this air conditioned office, you wish you could throw it up in a messy bun like you would if you were alone. 

“Sir, if you don’t mind me asking, why me to talk with the parents,” You stated, walking through the door he was holding open for you, “I have no issue with it, I just know JJ is usually the one to handle children’s families.” You added quickly, hoping no insecurities were heard through your question. 

Hotch paused before walking further towards the main area of the office and turned towards you. You really realized in that moment how much taller he was than you. At least a foot over your height, even in heels. Your short stance was something everyone always teased. You weren’t the shortest person on the planet, but definitely on the team, standing at only 5 feet. 

“Y/N, you show a level of compassion with professionalism that I am not sure even JJ can put forth with this situation. From what the chief has told me, the parents are a wreck.” Hotch looked down at you. 

You nodded, trying to both take what he said as a compliment but also understand the challenge at stake. 

“You won’t crack under the pressure, I don’t underestimate JJ’s abilities, but since she’s become a mother, these types of cases, understandably, hit closer to home,” He continued, “You ready?”

“Of course,” You responded with a court smile. He began to walk in front of you, holding the door open for you again as you were met with three sets of parents with tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. 

The interview with the parents concluded the theories of the children all were on the youth soccer team, which was coached by Cliff Hall. 

Hotch was interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing halfway through the second round of parents. He politely excused himself and took the phone call as you continued to speak with the young child’s family. 

While Hotch was gone, the father of the second child gone missing spoke about how Cliff’s son who was also on the team, was terminally ill and had passed away the beginning of the last year. The stressor. 

Hotch returned to the room with a stern face, you concluded that he had received not only the same news, but more than you had heard from one of your teammates. 

“Lance’s parents were just telling me that Clift was the kid’s soccer coach, alongside his own son who passed away the beginning of this year.” You looked towards Hotch.

He nodded, “Yes, I just heard the same.” He continued. His body language showed he wanted to wrap up these interviews and regroup. 

The team quickly learned more about the Hall’s from their previous neighbors and the members of the community. The Hall’s 8 year old son sadly passed away from a terminal illness, unfortunately their son was not a stranger to the same abuse Melinda Hall received from Cliff. The latest anyone knew, the Hall’s lost their house after Cliff was fired from the youth sports center for being aggressive with the children. They were currently living in their van, but no known location on either of them. 

With a lot of digging from Garcia and the team putting their heads together, they found Melinda Hall. She was currently sitting in the investigation room with one black she and a bruised lip. Despite the imperfections caused to her complexion, Melinda had a smug look on her face that made your blood boil. 

You were once behind the fist or hand of a man who was so far gone, you couldn’t listen to another woman stick up for an abuser’s horrible actions anymore. 

Hotch and Emily were discussing their plans to go in and play the good-cop, bad-cop duo. You exhaled a shaky breath. 

“I want to talk with her.” You said looking straight through the one way glass. 

Both Hotch and Emily looked up in confusion, you were not very experienced when it came to interrogations, but as your superior, Hotch knew maybe it was about time he let you give it a shot, but knew he and Emily would be there in case things took a turn. 

“Fine, Y/L/N.” Hotch nodded, “if you think you can do this, then go right ahead.” 

“I know I can,” You continued to look straight through at Melinda. You didn’t even need to be reassured or give yourself a pep talk before you walked straight into the interrogation room.

You, a small built, extremely young looking agent, looked the opposite of intimidating. So when Melinda rolled her eyes at you, you weren’t surprised. This wasn’t the first time you had not been taken seriously.

“Jeez, did they send the newbie in?” Melinda scoffed as you stood in front of her. You chose not to sit ad you wanted to establish some sort of an upper hand.

“No I wanted to come in here.” You nodded, eyeing her every move. 

“Ha, why’s that?” Melinda rolled her eyes again, crossing her arms. She was currently not in cuffs, but you could see bruises peeking through the bottom of her sleeve. 

“When’s enough, enough?” You circled Melinda around the table. 

Melinda shifted in her seat, switching which leg she had crossed quickly. 

“I have been the one behind the hand of a man who controls you.” You looked at her seriously, “I was like you.” You nodded, “You want to know the difference between me and you though? I got out of it before a child was brought into it. I got out of it before even more heartache turned me into a different type of monster.” Your voice sharply spoke. 

Melinda looked up at you, clearly unsure of what to say. 

“I know what it’s like to feel like the only person in the world who would ever want you...ever touch you, is the one who hurts you the most. The one who thinks showing his love is with his fist or his hands or even his words,” you continued. “I have the scars, the photos of me with makeup so caked on hiding bruises that go deeper than flesh. And the ones where I didn’t even bother hiding.” 

Behind the glass window, Hotch watched with furrowed brows and crossed arms. Emily looked up to him with a questioning glare. 

“Did you know that about her?” Emily asked. Hotch’s eyes didn’t leave you. 

“No.” He said firmly, “Did you?”

“No.” 

You concluded the interrogation with a deal from Melinda, you were able to get the information about Cliff’s whereabouts and the miracle of finding all children physically unharmed. 

It was a long day. A very long day. So much of your past had been looming in the air around you.

You were packing up your bag at the police station while everyone else finished up before heading to the jet. You pulled your hair to the side of your neck, still being too stubborn to just throw it up away from the thick Arizona air. 

Nobody had spoken to you about the interrogation other than a good job from Rossi and a pat on the back from Morgan. You didn’t think anything of it, but were glad nobody asked you any questions or pried any further. You hoped it would stay that way. 

You sighed, slumping down into the metal chair, putting your elbows on the table and your face in your hands. You took a deep breath and looked up seeing Hotch was standing over you.

“Agent Y/L/N, could I have a word with you?” Hotch asked.

Agent Y/LN? You thought. 

“Sure,” you said almost as a question. 

The two of you walked towards one of the officer’s empty offices who was long gone for the day. You walked in and Hotch shut the door behind you. He still faced the door for a moment before he sighed and faced you. 

“I don’t condone my agents lying to get the job done,” Hotch spoke coldly, remembering the time Agent Todd had lied to get through to a family.

You looked up at Hotch dumbfounded. What was he talking about? 

“Excuse me?” You cocked an eyebrow at him. 

“That little stunt back there, I don’t want it to happen again.” He pointed towards the interrogation room. “If this were under different circumstances, your lie about domestic abuse could have seriously lost credibility for our team and the BAU as a whole.”

“You think I lied?” You scoffed. 

“There was nothing in your file, Nevermind on your psych eval regarding this, Agent.” Hotch crossed his arms. 

You took a step closer towards him, if you were not seeing red, you normally wouldn’t have been this brazen. 

“The reason I got through to Melinda was because I was slapped around by someone.” You snarled, “I was thrown around a lot worse than Melinda. The reason that wasn’t on my file is because there is nothing to document it, nor should I need anything on my file to prove it would hinder my job performance.” 

Your words were ice cold. You had never been more insulted on the job. Something you never thought you would ever have to explain, was useful to solving a case, so you used it. You never thought in a million years that you would have had to defend yourself? 

“If you have a problem that my ex used me as a punching bag, so be it, but you have no right to accuse me of lying to get a job done.” You spat, you could feel your eyes threatening to spill over. You gave him one last look before you walked out, grabbing your coat and bag and left for the car to take you to the jet.

Hotch was left there looking shocked, embarrassed, and horrible about what he just did. Had he ever thought someone as confident, strong, and resilient as you were to ever have been hurt that badly, he wouldn’t have even thought twice.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He thought.

He shook his head as he heard the front door of the police station slam shut, knowing it was you leaving. 

Balling his fist, he let out a shaky breath. Aside from feeling horrible and like a total ass, he felt angry that someone could ever mistake your kindness as weakness and hurt you in any way. 

If he was sharing these thoughts out loud to someone, he would argue that he feels that way about all of his agents, then again he felt that invisible string tying him to you.

What drew him to you? He couldn’t put a finger on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!!


	3. Chapter Three: I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii friends, I’m back with another chapter, very quickly because I have no life! I spent the night with a big glass of wine and got my writing going so I would have some chapters to post this week when I am busy! 
> 
> I do not own any of the characters in this story besides the Original Characters and Y/N. 
> 
> Abuse TW
> 
> Chapter Three: I’ve overcome the blow, I’ve learned to take it well.

You sat in your usual seat on the jet. You were the first one on the plane. As Emily, JJ, Morgan, and Reid piled in together, you didn’t let your gaze out to the dark night move towards them. You were still fuming. 

Everyone could see it. They heard half of it at the police station, how could they not? 

You were not one that got pulled aside by Hotch or anyone honestly. It was not your personality type. In the first job you climbed the corporate ladder of retail quicker than anyone at the company had, becoming the youngest manager. You were never a teacher’s pet, per se, but all of your teachers and professors spoke to you like you were their equals. You were more friendly with them than you were with most of your classmates. After college, working for the local task force you and your superior were thick as thieves. To this day, you would honestly consider her your only and best friend, despite her being thirty years to your senior. 

That’s how it always was. Part of it was being raised by two people who probably could have been siblings with you by age versus age. You were more their friend than their daughter, but any psychologist would realize that at least a third of your issues stemmed from that. Growing up quickly had a part. Coughing up your babysitting money to help pay to keep the heat on at twelve, that forces a kid to grow up fast. Your teenage years were ripped from you by constantly being hooked up to machines and having tests run to figure out why your body was constantly failing you. You spent your time as a teen surrounded by people in white coats more than you did in a normal classroom setting. 

You almost didn’t know how to handle being scolded by a superior. You were never scolded as a child, never as a teen, and nor as an adult. 

Maybe that’s why you thought it was normal for someone you loved and trusted to be disappointed in your every move. That thought was too exhausting to even begin to unravel, so you tucked it away for another time. You internally cursed yourself wishing you didn’t quit therapy years ago.

Rossi and Hotch stepped out of their car from the police station, the entire car ride quiet. Rossi knew the gears were turning inside Aaron’s head. He would bet money on what Hotch was thinking, kicking himself for all he said. 

“You need to stop that, Aaron,” Rossi said, closing the SUV’s door behind him. Hotch looked at him and let out a breath. 

“I feel like an ass,” He paused in front of the stairs to the jet, “It's my job to be able to know when people are lying and I failed, nevermind with something so…” 

He couldn’t put the word on the situation, given it was you. Kind, compassionate, quiet yet fierce, Y/N. The agent that kept everyone on their toes, even him. The youngest, but sometimes the wisest. 

“Y/N is a private person,” Rossi replied, “How would you have known?” He shrugged, “Y/N is an excellent agent. Proficient, smart, and quick on her toes, but outside of her performance on the clock? How would you have known? None of us know much about Y/N.” Rossi threw out, stepping up to the jet. 

Hotch watched his older colleague and let out one last sigh before he shook his head and entered the jet. 

He noticed you sitting alone in your usual spot. JJ and Reid were sitting together, JJ showing him a photo of Henry. Hotch knew for him it felt good to go home to Jack after a case with children so he sympathized with JJ there. The rest of the team was either relaxing or in idle chatter. 

Hotch decided to bite the bullet and sat across from you. You didn’t make eye contact with him as you weren’t sure you could look at him without screaming, crying, running. Any of those would be so uncharacteristically you at work. The only person who ever saw you break about any of this was your parents and sister. Even then, you broke once...maybe twice, then it was the unspoken rule to never talk about it again. That’s how your family was, they swept things under the rug rather than talk about them. Why not this? 

“Y/N,” Hotch said quietly, almost a plea. 

If his voice wasn’t so...gentle, you wouldn’t have looked up, but you did, meeting his eyes. 

He sighed, looking at your soft eyes. He still couldn’t believe someone so good, could have been treated so badly. His years of education and profiling failed him to put pieces together due to the answer that kept coming to his mind. He doesn’t really know you. 

You intrigued him constantly, but this piece of your personal puzzle was not one he wished were true, nevermind the only thing he knew about you outside of work. 

“I just wanted to apologize” He began with, “It was uncalled for, me doubting you.” 

Hotch looked so sincere, you were unsure if you had ever seen him like this. To be fair, you had never seen the man fail at anything. 

“Why would I lie about something like that?” You asked, so much emotion in your question, it was atypical for your voice to sound that frail. 

Hotch shook his head, “It’s my job to be able to catch a lie,” he sighed looking away from your gaze, “What we do here...we have all of this information to back up our thoughts,” he waved in the air at nothing in particular. 

You weren’t following, you understood your job, unsure of where he was going with this. Was he going to insult you again? 

“But you?” He said through another sigh, “You, I know nothing about.” 

You raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean?” 

“I know JJ’s sister committed suicide when she was young, so suicide cases hit closer to home for her. Reid’s mother is schizophrenic, knowing that he is more apt to put himself in the shoes of a case that involves that, helps.” He continued, “These are things you and I both know, but as the leader of this team, I never want to put my agents in a position where they are compromised.” 

You continued to watch him explain himself, waiting for him to get to his long-overdue point. 

Hotch sighed again, laughed as he did, mostly at himself for being at such a loss for words, “But you, Y/N, you don’t open up. Everyone here sees it. So when I say it was uncharacteristic for you to be sharing that much...I doubted every word that came out of your mouth.”

You began to understand. You knew you were closed off. More than closed off, honestly. You also knew that all of that information you could share could also be taken as a weakness. Before your ex, you were an open book. You didn’t care who knew you had health problems in high school, despite their comments. You could so easily brush those off before him. You used to wear your heart on your sleeve and let the world see when you were hurt, happy, excited, and more. But now? You tried your very hardest to not share anything that could be construed as frailty. 

“I’m sorry…” You stumbled over your words, realizing even in all acts to protect yourself, you still managed to fail, “I’m sorry I made you doubt me.” You said so quietly that if Hotch was glad he could read lips well. 

Hotch’s heart sunk into his stomach, he wasn’t sure why, he dealt with horrific things all day, but seeing you apologize for something that was his own god damn fault made him feel loathsome towards himself. 

“No.” He shook his head quickly, “You don’t have anything to apologize for, Y/N.” He looked earnest. “I should be apologizing to you, I am sincerely sorry that I doubted you.” He spoke in a voice you weren’t sure you heard before. All of this was new for both of you. “I’m not doing my job as a leader if you don’t feel comfortable opening up to this team.”

You tilted your head. For the first time, you didn’t feel so small next to him. 

“It’s just something,” You shrugged, “I just don’t talk about that with anyone.” 

Hotch understood, shaking his head, “Well I want you to know that if you ever need to take a step back...or need to talk,” he took a breath in, collecting his thoughts, “anything. I’m here.” He said.

You smiled softly at him, “Thank you.” 

His words, though small, went a mile in your book. It meant a lot that now he knew this little detail of your life and didn’t look at you any differently. Sure you trusted your team, you had to. It was kinda part of the job, but people on this level, you didn’t. You couldn’t. It was no longer in your vocabulary. 

You had your doubts about practically everyone who entered your life. Your parents let you down in a way. Your friends let you down when they were not there for you during such a scary time in your life, with so many unknowns. The one person you allowed your heart to let it, turned out to be the opposite of everything he promised he would be. But for some reason, Hotch? This man seemed as genuine as people could get.

What is put down on paper is what you get when it comes to Hotch, you believed. He wore his flaws like a branded mark on his skin, they followed him everywhere, but you didn’t have to know this man’s story to know that he also had been through a lifetime of heartache as well. 

“Can I ask you something?” Hotch said, your heart skipped a beat, unsure of what would follow next.

All you could do was nod, swallowing the lump in your throat.

“He’s not still in your life,” Hotch paused, his tone bled with a small thread of protectiveness, “Is he?” 

You smiled sadly, “No, he’s...he’s not.” 

“Good.” Hotch nodded, you watched as he exhaled a breath that he looked like he had been holding the whole time on the jet. 

You two were both so caught up in your conversation, you didn’t realize that the rest of the team was asleep. You looked away from him out to the night sky. Something about being on a flight brought you stability. It was the first sense of freedom you knew when you turned eighteen and got on a plane by yourself. It was where you would spill your heartache in journals after months of being with your ex and you decided it was time to go home.

It was always back and forth between you two. Months together, months apart. Hot and cold. Emotional whiplash. 

You quietly thought about everything he had said to you. You really understood now that your team knew nothing about you other than what you presented at work. Sometimes the girls would ask you out for drinks after a case, most times you would say no, but on the rare occasions you would go, you would only talk about work or general things like the weather. Nobody thought anything of it as Garcia, Emily, and JJ all tended to have their own life dramas and sagas that filled up most of the air. 

You bit the inside of your cheek, it was raw from subconsciously doing it all day. You reached in your bag for your headphones and plugged them into your cell phone, opening up your music. You then looked back up to Hotch who now had his head in a file. 

Unsure why, you felt the need...or want to share this.

“I was listening to Jim Croce.” You said casually to Hotch. He was so focused on his paperwork that at first, he didn’t even register that you were speaking to him.

He looked up, “Hm?” Confused by your statement. 

“Earlier,” You brushed your hair behind your left ear as you looked down at your phone, putting one earbud in your ear as you continued to speak, “You asked what I was listening to this morning before we landed.”

Hotch shot you an incredulous, yet amused look. “Jim Croce?” He hummed softly. 

You cocked an eyebrow at him, curious what he was getting at. 

“Isn’t that a little...before your time?” he mimicked your questioning facial expression.

You smirked, “I may be the baby on the team, but I do have good taste in classic music.” 

He tilted his head to the side, “I would never call you a baby,” He cleared his throat, “You make it hard to remember that you are younger than most of us here.” 

You weren’t sure what his intentions were with that statement, but you just bowed your head and flashed him a thin smile. You reached back to your phone, hitting play on the next song. 

Hotch leaned forward, questioning your next song since you have now piqued his curiosity. You lifted up your phone to show him the album cover of one of Springsteen’s classics. 

He nodded, this time you were certain he was giving you an impressed look. “Another good choice,” He smiled. 

You shook your head, trying to contain your amusement, but couldn’t help but let out a stifled laugh, bringing your attention back to the window.   
The flight ended shortly after that, you all stumbled back into the bullpen. You practically threw your stuff onto your desk and sunk into your chair, knowing you had a large report to fill out. 

Emily and JJ began packing up and looked over at you, “Y/N, wanna grab a quick drink with us?” Emily asked.

“Will is off for the night and has Henry, I am taking advantage of that,” JJ laughed. 

“Where’s my invite, pretty mammas?” Derek walked over putting his arms around both girls. 

“Fine,” Emily groaned, “You can come,” She rolled her eyes playfully. 

“Boy genius, you coming too?” JJ called over to Reid who was finishing his report in record time. 

Spencer looked up, “Yeah, sure,” He shrugged, “Why not?” 

“Good you’re the DD then,” Emily chuckled, both JJ and Derek gave her an amused look. You shook your head and laughed. Sighing, pulling out your file. 

“Drinks on me,” Rossi said, waving his hand to everyone. 

“I’m not questioning that one,” Derek said, then looked back over to you. “Kid, let good old papa Rossi here buy you a drink.”

The sound of a drink after your long day sounded incredible. You sighed, wishing you had put the headphones down on the remainder of the flight and worked on your report as the rest of the team usually did on longer flights. 

“I wish I could,” you said, lifting up your file, biting the side of your cheek. 

You were surprised when someone ripped the file right out of your hand from behind. You turned your head and say it was Hotch.

“Y/L/N, it can wait till Monday,” He said honestly. He had already packed up his stuff, had his jacket on ready to leave for the night, which was unlikely for him. He was the one who would be here late hours after getting back. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes,” He smiled, “You don’t turn down a free drink from Rossi,” Hotch laughed. 

“You joining, Aaron?” Rossi asked, “The bar around the corner just got in this excellent scotch, per my recommendation,” he said proudly. 

Knowing Jack was at a sleepover tonight and didn’t need to be picked up until mid-afternoon tomorrow, Hotch did not second guess his decision too much. “Hell, why not.” He said, placing your file on your desk. 

You looked up at him and smiled, following suit, throwing on your wool jacket and bag over your shoulder. 

“Let’s go,” You smiled at the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMK what you think babes! Writing chapter four now!!


	4. Chapter Four: There's Something to be Said for a Place to Lay Your Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back with another chapter!! This one is less serious and we get some more Y/N and Hotch moments! 
> 
> Mentions of Drinking and underage drinking & Protective Hotch ;) 
> 
> I do not own Criminal Minds, nor the characters. 
> 
> Chapter Four: Then there's something to be said for a place to lay your head

The team split up into two cars, Hotch’s and Reid’s. You rode with Rossi and Hotch in one car, and the rest rode in Reid’s. With the last-minute call to Penelope, the second car filled up quickly. You didn’t mind riding with Hotch or Rossi, but this car ride wasn’t half as rowdy as the second one. 

The short car ride brought you all to the bar you all frequented not too far from Quantico. Given you had only lived here for a little over a year, you didn’t know much of the area given you didn't have time to go out much, nor when you did have time, want to. A bottle of wine alone on the couch with either the remote in your hand or music playing throughout your tiny, but perfect studio apartment was all you needed. 

The team grabbed a large enough table, given it was Friday night and this was a pretty popular bar, you were lucky to get one. You had a feeling Morgan flashed a bright smile alongside his badge to get it, but you wouldn’t say anything. You just laughed to yourself. 

“What can I get for ya, kid?” Rossi asked, taking everyone's orders. 

“Could you get me a vodka cranberry with a lime please?” You smiled. 

“A Cape Codder,” Rossi nodded, “I forgot you were from New England.” 

You smiled, shaking your head, “Luckily no Boston accent here.”

It was the little things, like your favorite drink to order or your favorite comfort food...that reminded you of home. 

Hotch listened in from across the table and took a mental note, he was unsure why, but couldn’t process why he listened so intently because he was interrupted by Morgan’s roaring voice near the bar. 

“Probably good Rossi orders for you kid,” Morgan laughed, “They might think your ID is fake.” 

You shook your head, laughing. Rossi joined in.

“Wait, so you only have been able to legally drink for two years?” Rossi said amused, “Sometimes I forget you’re so young kid,” He patted your shoulder, walking towards the bar, he hollered back, “You’re an old soul, Y/N!”

“The keyword there is legal,” You joked to Penelope, she laughed. 

Morgan handed a few of them their drinks. 

“Thank you,” Hotch said to Morgan, taking the glass to his lips and taking a sip. 

“So were you a rowdy teenager, Y/N?” Emily cocked an eyebrow at you. Hotch looked back over to you, wondering about your reply. 

He tried to imagine you as someone who acted their age, not someone who acted years beyond. 

“Oh god, no,” You shook your head, “Not until my sophomore year of college,” You admitted, taking the drink Rossi passed you, “Thank you.” You nodded towards him.

“I am trying to picture the ‘crazy party girl Y/N’,” Morgan looked at you with amusement, bringing his drink to his lips. 

You laughed, “You guys wouldn’t have even recognized me back then,” You shook your head, reaching for your phone, “I think I might have some pictures.” 

Normally you wouldn’t have been so open to sharing, but after feeling more and more comfortable after your talk with Hotch and the stiff drink that you could already feel after a few sips, you didn’t mind being a little more personable than usual. 

You looked through your albums to find a few presentable photos. Lifting your phone and passing it to them, they all looked in amusement. 

“Wow,” JJ said, “I wish I looked this good at 19 years old,” she scoffed passing the phone to Hotch.

He looked down at the photo of you that did not resemble the woman who sat across from him at the table. 

Your hair had been bleached and was almost white, it was that blonde. Not that it didn’t look good, you just looked different. Your face was significantly rounder. Your eyes were darkened with heavy makeup and lips painted a light shade of pink. Far more makeup than he had ever seen you wear. You wore clothes that showed way more skin than anything you wore to work, but never anything too risque. You still looked put together, but there was something about you in these photos. You looked almost unhinged. Not the collected agent he worked with every day. 

He shook his head smiling at the rest of the photos you showed them, lots of red solo cups in the background of photos, but never any photos of you with many people. Just the same two people in the photos. 

Even back then you were picky with who you let in. He wondered if this was before or after you had broken things off with your ex. 

Handing you back your phone minutes later, you significantly felt the drink more, Rossi already retrieved your second one. 

“What did ya think, Hotch,” You asked, the words falling out of your mouth quicker than you could catch them. 

He smirked, “You were right, not sure I would have recognized college Y/N,” he joked. You blushed taking your phone back and to place it on the table. 

The night continued on with more drinks to follow. With the promise of no case tomorrow, you all felt free to drink as much or little as you wanted. Hotch kept it to two drinks, Spencer still nursed his water, whereas you were on your fourth? Fifth? Cocktail. 

You hadn’t felt this relaxed in years. You felt comfortable around the team enough to add in your own commentary about your childhood or time working at the field office in Boston. Nobody paid attention to the fact that Hotch stayed silent every time you opened your mouth to share. He watched keenly every time you let a different detail slide.   
Maybe it was because of the two drinks, but he didn’t feel like the reason he was watching over you tonight was because you were the youngest or because you were the newest. He was consumed with the stories you shared and slowly adding pieces to the puzzle he called you. 

He noticed the flush that crept up your neck after each drink or the way you emphasized your words more and more enthusiastically. Not the reserved, professional agent you always acted on and off the clock with them. He couldn’t deny that you were a beautiful woman. It wasn’t until tonight he allowed himself to even internally admit that. 

He looked down at his drink stopping his thoughts. Confused. He never thought about JJ like this, nor Emily, never even Elle when she was there. They were colleagues, his teammates. But you? You were layers and layers of reasons that continued to pique his interest. 

At one point you were the only two at the table. The girls and Derek made their way to the dancefloor, somehow dragging Reid up there. Watching him awkwardly dance with JJ and Penelope was probably one of the greatest things you’d seen all week, you thought. Rossi was talking with the bartender, recommending more liquor he thought would bring in good business. He had an eye for these things. 

The several drinks made time move differently in your vision, you, still laughing from watching Reid, turning your head to meet Hotch’s gaze that was watching you from across the table. If you were sober, you probably would have blushed and shifted in your seat awkwardly, but right now you just flashed him a smile. 

“Are you having fun?” Hotch asked scooting in the booth to be direct across from you now. 

“Yeah,” You said in a surprised tone, “Yeah, I really am,” You smiled again at him, bringing your straw back to your lips. 

“I don’t think I have ever seen you this laid back, Y/N,” Hotch noted, also taking a sip of the drink he had been nursing the last hour. 

You chuckled, “I could say the same thing about you, Agent Hotchner,” You cocked an eyebrow towards him and he shook his head laughing. A brief pause lulled the air comfortably before you spoke again, you sighed then said, “I think this is the most I have been social in….” You tried to think, “Months? Maybe even years.” You laughed at yourself. 

“You fit in with the team well, Y/N,” Hotch said. 

“I haven’t scared any of you away with my craziness yet,” You said, half-joking. 

Hotch frowned, “I don’t think that’s possible.”

You sighed, looking around at your teammates spread out all over the bar, taking it all in. “If you knew the half of it, Hotchner.” You said, almost like a challenge. 

“I told you before,” He said, looking far more serious than she was, “You can come to me, with anything, you know that right?” 

You waved your hand up in the air, at nothing in particular, “Yeah, yeah, I know if I need a step back or it affects my performance in the field. Yeah, I know, blah blah.” If it hadn’t been the alcohol in your system, you probably wouldn’t have been so bratty with your reply, but you were five drinks in. You lost your filter two drinks ago. 

“I don't mean just that, Y/N.” His voice...softer now, quieter. 

You didn’t respond, you just looked earnestly at him. Another comfortable pause or two sat in the air between you two as you finished your last drink. You thought about his words and wondered if he was that thoughtful with the rest of the team. Hotch didn’t come off as the guy who played therapist with the group, he at times seemed hard to open up to at all, especially in the beginning. 

You stood, your legs faltering, gripping the table for stability. You looked down at Hotch, “I should probably call a cab home,” You reached for your bag, looking for your phone through all of the junk you silently cursed yourself for not cleaning out. Hotch watched, almost amused as he saw your phone sitting on the table where you had left it. 

He smiled apologetically, picking up your phone and handing it to you, “Here.”

“Oh,” You looked, “Thanks,” You took the phone from his hands and began to dial the number for the cab service. 

“Let me drive you home, Y/N.” Hotch protested. 

“Noooo,” You shook your head, “I can’t let you do that.” 

“You live on the corner of Pine and Main, right?” He said, realizing your suspicions, “Your file, Y/N,” He laughed. 

“Oh,” You chuckled, “Yeah, I do.” You shifted your bag on your shoulder, you were certain if you took your hand off of the corner of the table, you would without a doubt wobble from the drinks. 

“That’s on my way home,” He said, “Please.”

“Finnneeeee” You groaned. He couldn’t contain his smile at your drunken state. Your always perfect hair was sitting behind your ears, giving a clearer view of your face. 

“Let’s go,” He said, standing up. He walked over to Rossi and patted him on the back, you waved goodbye and then followed him to his car. 

You stepped up in the front seat of the car, you sat in the back on the way there. He turned the car on and your eyes went to the clock on the radio. “Wow 12:30,” You laughed, “This is a wild night out for me.” 

Hotch laughed, “You and me both,” he began driving. Silence filled the air again, but like before, it was comfortable. Never awkward. 

He looked over at you a few times, noticing you were looking out the window at the city lights. He smiled small then placed his eyes back on the road. You were slumped in the passenger seat, holding onto the seat belt, pulling it away from your neck so you could sit more comfortably. 

Normally you sat up straight, never this comfortably. 

He pulled into the parking lot of your apartment. It wasn’t a luxury apartment by any means, it was just a simple brick building. You only had a week to find a place in your price range when you received the call about moving here to be in the BAU. 

Hotch parked the car, you began to unbuckle your seat belt and collect your things.

“I can take you to get your car tomorrow at work, if you’d like,” He offered.

“Oh, I don’t have a car, I take the bus.” You pointed to the bus stop right across from your apartment. Hotch frowned.

“Do you realize how dangerous the public transportation here is, right?” He questioned. How had he not realized or known you took the bus? Then again he remembered, it was rare you shared so much tonight. 

Hotch began to unbuckle his seat belt and shut the car off, you looked at him confused.

“What’re you doing?” You slurred. 

“I’m not gonna let you walk up however many flights after the number of drinks you had tonight,” He raised an eyebrow at you. You rolled your eyes.

“You seriously don’t have to.”

“That wasn’t a question, Y/N.” He said, stepping out of the car. 

Even in your drunken state, part of you panicked. Nobody had ever been in your apartment. The closest was through a camera when you would video chat with your family. You would proudly show them your little shoe box as it was the first place you got to call your own. You spend almost all of your free time in the last year giving it little pieces of you. The bookshelf filled head to toe in books. Your nephew’s painting hung on the fridge. Photos of you and your family in gold frames hung on each wall. Your easel sitting with a half-finished oil painting, waiting for you to finish. Your emerald green bedding with the overload of mismatched pillows. Your fridge, filled with fresh food, because you hated ordering out. You loved to bake and cook. All of these little things about you that nobody here knew. 

After you, Hotch motioned towards the entrance of your apartment, holding the door to the lobby open for you. He tried his hardest not to note the little security required to enter, just a simple key card. 

Hotch followed you up the three flights to your apartment, “You really don’t have to come all the way up,” You argued, clutching the railing as you stumbled on the last step, contradicting everything you just protested with him. 

You didn’t notice his hand on the crook of your arm until you reach your door. “This is me,” you said, and he let go. You reached for your keys. Taking a deep breath before putting the key in the knob. 

You unlocked the door, opening it, walking in. Hotch took in the small apartment, surprised again by you. If he thought back to the apartment he and Hailey shared when they were twenty-three, it would have been an embarrassment in comparison to yours. 

“Welcome to my humble abode,” You placed your bag on the coat rack next to the door. It hung various jackets and bags, far different from the ones you wore and brought to work. 

Hotch looked around, he felt with each detail he noticed, he got another insight into you. He didn’t leave the entry of your apartment, the door still open. 

You walked towards your couch, settling down onto the comfortable sofa and closed your eyes for the briefest moment, before looking back up, remembering Hotch was still here. In your apartment. Your boss was here in your tiny, quirky, colorful apartment. The place where every badge of armor could come off and you could just be you.

You’re not sure if it was the alcohol talking or what, but you sat up and said, “If you’re gonna come in, at least shut the door behind you,” You laughed, “My little old neighbor, Marianne, might think somethings wrong if she sees a man here.” You joked, a joke you normally wouldn’t make with Hotch.

You internally cursed yourself thinking that you just admitted to your boss that you are that single. You were taken out of your thoughts by the sound of your door shutting. Part of you hoped it was him leaving. You weren’t so lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think babes!! < 3


	5. Chapter Five: The Kerosene in Your Skin, The Chemistry That I am Bound To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends!! I am back with another chapter, all of your lovely comments and reviews here have fueled me to write more and encouraged me so much! When I first started writing this story, I was so self-conscious. I hadn’t written fanfiction in so long. It used to be such a huge outlet for me, so having it back means more than I can say, your encouragement is to thank for that, so thank you!!! 
> 
> I also just wanted to clarify, I normally always write in the third person, which is why I switch back from Y/N and Hotch’s “POV’s” or thoughts and occasionally a team member because I love sharing the whole story even though this is a reader insert story. 
> 
> I look at Y/N as a character and their pronouns (even though written feminine), are “You” in place of where one would write, “he said or she said,” since it is a reader insert. Hope that makes sense. : ) 
> 
> Chapter Five: The kerosene in your skin, the chemistry that I'm bound to

Hotch stood in your apartment and watched as you fumbled to the small leather sofa, plopping yourself on it as your life depended on it. He looked around, the door now closed as he fidgeted with his keys in his hands. He wasn’t very sure what to do now. He figured he would walk you up to your apartment and make sure you were fine, but from the bar to the apartment building, you put on a good sober front. He knew you had been pretty tipsy, but seeing as your demeanor was starting to become more and more questionable, he wasn’t sure he should leave you quite yet. He wouldn’t feel right leaving you…one of his agents? But,  _ you _ , alone like this. 

  
  


You looked up, squinting at the figure that was Aaron Hotchner standing in the entryway of your small studio apartment. The door now shut behind him, the only light on in the apartment was the dim light underneath the kitchen cabinet that you left on at all times. You were taught at a young age while living in crummy neighborhoods to always make it look as if someone was home or awake. You always left the light on. It seemed brighter as you seriously felt the effects of your drunken bender tonight. 

“If you’re gon’ come in, mine as well have a seat,” You patted next to you on the couch, slowly lifting yourself from your collapsed position, reaching over to the lamp on the table beside you. 

It looked like it took Hotch a moment to fully understand what you said, if you were soberer, you would have worried that you shouldn’t have invited your boss to come to sit with you on your tiny sofa...well loveseat, but in a shoebox like this, it  _ looks _ like a sofa. 

Hotch walked slowly over to the couch, he looked taller than he normally did in this tiny apartment. Drunken thoughts again led your mind to wander and think about how broad his shoulders were.  _ Hmm, _ you thought. 

“How are you feeling,” His deep voice interrupted your wandering mind, but not for long, before you could answer you focused in again on him and how  _ deep  _ his voice was. Why had you not noticed these details before?

_ Alcohol, Y/N, Alcohol,  _ you thought.

“Like a lightweight,” You laughed, but it was almost like a scoff at your own current ordeal. 

It must have been comical to Hotch because he started laughing himself. 

“Y/N, you’re a five-foot-tall, hundred-pound girl,” He smiled, “I would be more surprised if someone your size  _ didn’t  _ feel at least a little tipsy after five drinks.” 

“The fact that you think I am only a hundred pounds is  _ probably _ the best compliment I have received all night,” You laughed, shaking your head. You thought back to the times your ex-boyfriend would tell you to skip dinner or breakfast because you looked like you had “put on some weight”. 

Hotch could tell you were in some sort of thought, he sighed reaching for the remote on your coffee table, which was beside newspapers open to the crossword section, halfway finished. He didn’t know anyone who even got the newspaper anymore, given most of the news was portable on your cell phone or the internet, but _ you _ ...twenty-three year old you, of course, you had a newspaper. 

Hotch turned on the television searching for something neutral he could put on to make this whole “boss staying with younger agent” thing less awkward. The agent half his age, awkward. He didn’t  _ feel _ awkward, but he knew saying it, admitting that to anyone would sound  _ awkward. _

“Do you want something to drink,” You offered, if he were to stay, you mine as well offer him a drink? 

He shook his head, no.    
  


You sat up more, bringing your knees up to your chest, turning towards him, “Did you have fun tonight?”

“Yeah,” He smiled, nodding, “I did.” He turned a bit more to face you, “I normally feel the rush to get home, but Jack was out at a sleepover,” He shrugged, “I kinda forget sometimes that he’s not the five-year-old kid I have to run home to make sure he’s okay.” 

“How old is he now,” You asked. 

“Eight,” Hotch said, proudly. “It goes by fast, especially when you’re that far away at all times.” He almost looked sad. 

“My nephew still doesn’t understand why I live so far away now,” You chuckled, “I went from living right next door to him and seeing him every day, now it has been almost a year.” 

You shared another detail. Another piece of your personal puzzle with him.

“I didn’t realize you had a nephew,” He raised his eyebrows, “Or siblings.”

You smiled, “Well since I am in the sharing mood, Hotchner,” You playfully elbowed him, something  _ sober  _ Y/N most likely would  _ not  _ have done, “I have one younger sister. She is twenty-one and my nephew is three.”

“Wow, that’s -”

“Young,” You nodded, “I know.” 

“Not that it’s a bad thing,” He defended, hoping he didn’t come off as judgemental. 

“Oh I know,” You sighed, “You would just think my mother having me at only nineteen would have knocked some sense into her.” 

Hotch didn’t want to do the math on what age that made your mother. This already  _ looked _ wrong, he didn’t need confirmation that he was closer to your parent’s age than he was yours. 

“Instead of knocking sense into her, she got knocked up at around the same age and married at the same time to her high school sweetheart.” You rolled your eyes, shaking your head.

“You don’t like the guy?” He asked, genuinely curious.

“God, no, that’s not it,” You explained, shaking your head, “Chris is great, but I just wish she would have waited. Got an education. Applied herself.”

“I see,” he smiled, “I’m assuming you were the first student to go to college in your family?” 

“Ding, ding, ding,” You said with humor in your voice, “Yes, and first to attempt and get their master’s.” You pointed to the pile of books on your island.  _ Expensive _ , expensive books. More than what this couch was worth.

“Right,” Hotch remembered, “You’re getting your masters  _ while _ working full time for the bureau,” He said, almost as a question.

“Yes, sir.” You said proudly, a beaming smile shined at him. It was cute - honestly. He couldn’t deny the warm feeling it gave him to see you so proud…. _ happy.  _

“Your boss should seriously give you some more time off then,” He teased, getting a roaring laugh out of you which was contagious enough for him to as well. If an outsider were looking in, it would have looked more like two friends laughing on a couch after a long night, not the insecurities that buzzed in Hotch’s mind all night. 

“Seriously,” You sighed, catching your breath from the laughter, “I should stop listening to music on the jet on our way home and use that time to study.”

“When do you get your degree?” Hotch asked casually, if it were anyone else, he would have bet money that Garcia knew when and was already planning a graduation party for you, no matter how far off it was. But it was you. Quiet, private, reserved... _ you. _

But he felt privileged that tonight, you were anything  _ but. _

“I graduate this spring - summa cum laude,” You raised an eyebrow at him, “Does that earn me a gold star in the FBI?” You joked.

He looked at you, honestly impressed, not surprised. Nothing about you surprised him, but everything impressed him. Everything constantly kept him on his toes. 

“No, but in my book it does,” Hotch said, his tone not reflecting the humor you presented. 

You shifted your legs under you on the couch and gave him a sweet smile. The moment continued to pass as you both looked at each other, you were sobering, but still had enough effects of the drink to not pull your smile away as quickly as sober Y/N would. 

“You’re the only one who’s ever been in my apartment besides that crippling old lady down the hall,” You teased, “You should feel special.”

He raised an eyebrow at you, “You only allow senior citizens in, I see.” 

You playfully slapped his arm, “Hotch, you are  _ not  _ a senior citizen,” you replied through your stifled laughs. 

“Well then, I feel honored,” It was not a lie. “I feel lucky that you let me in, Y/N.” 

Hotch smiled. You really did open up to him a lot, today. Between the case, the bar, and now here in your apartment. He knew more than any other team member, other than maybe Garcia, but that was all on her own accord. Shedding these layers of your personal life to Hotch didn’t feel like you were losing strength. It didn’t feel like he viewed you any lesser than, or weak. He still looked at you...like you were  _ you. _

You mirrored Hotch’s smile, then looked down to your lap. Your jeans and dress top still on. It really had been a long day. You had been to Arizona and back, to the bar, five drinks, and back. With Hotch. Still here in your apartment, at...2:30 AM, you looked at the clock on the cable box. 

You yawned, bringing your hand to your mouth. 

“I should let you get some rest,” Hotch said, standing up from the couch. You straightened and stood as well. 

“I didn’t realize how late it was,” You laughed softly, “You honestly didn’t have to stay this long, Hotch.” 

“I wanted to, Y/N. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to.”

You nodded, walking the short distance with him towards the door. “Well thank you, it was really nice.” You smiled up at him.

“It was nice,” he agreed, smiling back down at you, “We should do it again,” he said boldly, before even realizing he had asked that. Insecurities of your age difference, your power structure came back into thoughts, but you were quickly interrupted. 

“We should,” You replied, your eyebrows furrowing, almost questioning it visibly on your face yourself. “It was nice to...talk to someone.” You shrugged.

“You can always talk to me,” Hotch reminded, “About work or not.”

“I know that now, thank you.” 

“Well I should let you get some rest,” Hotch said, turning to reach the doorknob of your front door. 

“Okay, you too.” You said, “You tell me the time and the place and I would love to repeat this.” You said as he began to walk out the door, turning back at you. 

Hotch gave you a small smile, “How’s Monday night?” He asked, “Given we don’t have a case and of course given you don’t have plans.”

“It’s a date.” You said, instantly biting your tongue.  _ Date _ ? Y/N, why say that. You just made it weird.

Hotch still smiled at you, nodding his head towards you, “Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Hotch, thanks again.” 

“No thanks needed, Y/N.” He smiled starting to walk away, “Get some rest. That’s an order from your boss.” He chuckled as he walked towards the stairs, watching from the doorway. 

You couldn’t help but feel the warmth his words gave you.  _ That’s an order.  _


	6. Chapter Six: If you must work, work to leave some part of you on this earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! This chapter has been my FAVORITE to write so far, so buckle up for some angst, heartbreak, and feels. I am so enthralled with this chapter, I am continuing straight to chapter seven for you guys to have tomorrow sometime!
> 
> A few things to add. I never mentioned, not that it was necessary until now, that this takes place after Prentiss “comes back from the dead”. Also, I was curious if anyone would be interested in a Spotify playlist to pair with this story? A collection of songs to bring along the feels. If you guys hadn’t noticed, I title my chapters after songs and there are a few hidden nods to songs in chapters. Let me know if anyone would even have an interest.
> 
> I do not own Criminal Minds nor the characters. Enjoy < 3 
> 
> Chapter Six: If you must work, work to leave some part of you on this earth

The weekend had gone by slowly, not that you were complaining. It was just that you were not always the best with downtime. As there were many things you loved to do, whether it be calling your family, painting, reading, watching trashy television...your mind was your worst enemy and your health issues seemed to be more and more apparent when you weren’t too busy to think. 

Your joints and muscles ached from the illness that was dormant in your body. You remember doctors telling you at fourteen, that you should be “lucky”. Lucky that you aren’t dying. Lucky that it is not terminal, but there was also no cure...and no treatment. So you kind of had to learn to live with it even though many times you  _ wished  _ it would just take you out of your misery. 

So this Monday morning hit harder than most. Not only was your mind plagued, reliving every moment with Hotch, wishing you didn’t share so much, but also grateful he didn’t make you feel lesser than. 

You crawled out of bed and went straight for the medicine cabinet, throwing back your daily pills, swallowing them all at once. You got ready in your usual attire. A blazer, dress pants, and a lace camisole. You paired it with a cute pair of flats and were off your merry way to the bus stop, coffee in hand.    
  


You walked out of the front of your apartment, hand reaching in your big purse for your sunglasses. You were glad you wore your long coat, as the cool January air stung against your skin, but the sight of sunlight was something you would never complain about. You sat at the bus stop and looked up at the sun, the rays beaming on your face. You closed your eyes and took a deep, deep breath. It was the little moments like this that grounded you. 

The smell of fresh air. The feeling you get, driving on a cold night, with the windows down, and the music blaring. The feeling of fresh sheets on the bed. A shower after a long day. Getting a good night’s rest. The perfect cup of coffee. The sun hitting your face just right -

You were interrupted in your thoughts and your eyes shot open. 

“Three people were just taken out on the bus that stops by here,” It was Hotch, you were more confused by him being here, you didn’t even process his words. You furrowed your brows at him before he said, “Get in.”

You didn’t argue, you stepped up into his car, graciously accepting the warmth of the heat he had blaring before you could ask any questions. 

Hotch began driving towards Quantico, “I told you public transportation here is dangerous,” He said, both hands on the wheel. 

You turned your head towards him, he quickly took his eyes off the road and met your gaze. He noticed your nose, how it was rosy from the cold, your cheeks flushed with the same pink. It was cute, but he didn’t like the thought of you having to wait out in the cold every morning for the bus. Nevermind now. Three people dead, more injured. 

“What happened,” Your voice lower than normal, you were still waking up. You brought your coffee cup to your lips, trying not to take in the fact that  _ you  _ were almost on that bus. 

“Three people dead,” He shrugged, “Don’t know much more other than there are about a dozen injured. I got the call when I was on my way in, got the call five minutes before I got you.”

You nodded, “Did Garcia call the rest?” 

“Yeah,” He sighed, “I have a feeling it’s going to be a long day.”

He said it in an already exhausted and almost let down tone. You two were supposed to repeat Friday’s  _ friendly _ outing. With all of this up in the air now, it was highly unlikely. You couldn’t help but feel the pit of disappointment as well. 

You sighed as well, “I agree.”

The rest of the ride was quiet, with nothing much to talk about considering three people were dead on the bus you took every day. You felt asking him about his weekend wasn’t the best thing to follow with.

You both arrived at Quantico, walking in together. You didn’t think much about it until Rossi shot you two a look. Hotch walked quickly to his office, ignoring him.

“You both left together Friday, now walking in together Monday...hmm,” Rossi raised an eyebrow. 

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Rossi,” You rolled your eyes, “I take the bus those three people were killed on, Hotch figured I was valuable enough not to let me take my preferred form of transportation.” 

Rossi nodded, “Well I’m glad he did, kiddo.” 

The rest of the team came in one by one. You were all briefed and going to handle most of the case here at Quantico, given how local this was. There was little to no information on the shooter. One witness reported he wore a black ski mask and all black. He was quick and clean, avoiding cameras and leaving any trails.

Not even an hour had passed and Hotch got a call. By the look on his face, it wasn’t good. He hung up, muttering something under his breath, you couldn’t hear from your spot in the bullpen where you were all creating whatever profile you could get. 

“He’s killed again,” Hotch said walking back down to the team, “This time on the subway.” 

Hotch sighed, passing out the new paperwork to add to the file. This guy was good. He left absolutely no trail. Nothing. Nada. 

Garcia had her work cut out for her. 

Hours of cat and mouse went on. He went to two more forms of public transportation. The train station and a taxi cab. Someone on the train though was able to identify the man had a limp, he dragged his left foot every time he walked. He also left a note at the last spot, saying “ _ The finale is next”. _

“I think we need to look for someone who was in an accident,” Reid said, “Maybe one involving public transportation in the area.”

You nodded, agreeing. “Given his estimated age, we at least have a time frame.” 

“I agree,” Hotch said turning his direction to his phone, dialing, “Garcia, can you look up public transportation accidents that happened in the last thirty to thirty-five years.”

“Can do, bossman,” Garcia said, although just down the hall, it was easier for you all to stay with your information at stake and her to stay with hers. Not running back and forth. “So males who were involved in an accident with or on public transportation...got it.” She began humming, “So I have three for you.”

“Go on,” Hotch said, nodding to the team to take notes and get ready to move. 

“Well, the first guy is paralyzed neck down,” Garcia sighed, “Drunk driver, he was driving.” 

“Can’t be it,” Morgan said, “I don’t think this guy would want revenge if he caused something that was his fault.” 

“The second guy, fully recovered,” Garcia threw out, “So unless the injury is something else, but this guy has a fairly clean record. One parking violation...cute looking too from his license photo.” 

“ _ Garcia…”  _ Hotch groaned.

“Right, right,” She said, “The last guy… Norman Alan. 31 years old. He has a juvenile record. Tried to knife his school bus driver in the fifth grade,” she cringed, “He was in an accident while riding the school bus when he was nine.” 

“That’s got to be our guy,” You said, sitting up from leaning on your desk. Even with a murder on the loose, Garcia always managed to ramble. You couldn’t help but love her though. 

“Do you think he’s gonna take out a school bus now,” JJ asked, concern weighed in her voice. As a mother, you couldn’t imagine the fright she must feel, knowing Henry was at the age where he took the bus and went to school full-time.

“What district was Norman in,” Hotch asked.

Garcia was able to give the team the bus district, schedule, and all of the information on it now. Hotch ordered you all to split up around the area. Reid and JJ went to the school, Emily and Rossi went to Norman’s house, he still lived with his mother. They hoped they could get some information from her. You, Hotch, and Morgan went to the bus station. 

“Sir, with all due respect, we are talking about elementary school kids,” The manager of the bus company said, “If we were to cancel the bus drop off, we would have hundreds of angry parents because their kid didn’t make it home in time for Teletubbies.” The manager scoffed. 

You could see Hotch’s jaw tighten. “With all due respect, I think a couple of pissed off parents is better than the alternative.”

The man shook his head and looked down at his watch, “That bus is about to leave in two minutes, I really can’t just call it off.” 

Hotch let out a frustrated breath, “Y/N, I need you to ride with the driver to the school, JJ and Reid will join you once you’re there. You nodded, “Call me when you get there.”

You gave him a thin smile before quickly taking off for the departing bus. 

The driver opened the door, raising an eyebrow at you. 

“Hi sir,” You said, stepping up, “I’m Special Agent Y/N Y/L/N, with the FBI. I’m going to ride with you if that’s okay, given the situation at hand.”

“All right,  _ sweetheart. _ ” He said rudely, shutting the folding doors before you could even make it up the steps. You gripped the railing and began to walk to the first seat, before he drove,  _ pretty quickly _ , out of the parking lot. 

You watched the road ahead of you, as he continued driving. You couldn’t help but notice him eyeing you in the rearview mirror. You didn’t think anything of it until he abruptly swerved the bus. 

You held onto the seat, “Shit,” You said as your badge dropped on the floor. You scattered to grab it, but before you could reach it, the bus was in a ditch off the side of the quiet road. 

It all happened so fast. One minute you were reaching for your badge, the next your head was aching as it hit the metal bar in front of your seat. You felt warmth dripping down your forehead, you reached up, wiping it. When you looked back at your hand, you saw red. It felt like only seconds had passed, but it could have been minutes. Long minutes. 

You quickly came back to your senses. You were no longer  _ in _ your seat. You were face down in the aisle. You blinked fast. 

“What,” you stuttered, “What happened,” you reached back for your head. The jolt of the bus crashing into the ditch was worse than you thought. You looked up and saw the driver was gone.

You groaned as you tried to lift your aching body from the aisle. You were having a bad pain day with your illness  _ before _ you got into a car accident, now you seriously felt like you were hit by the bus.

You leaned on the seat and saw the bus driver, limping with his left foot. Walking towards a car parked right near the accident.  _ Shit. _

Panic set in. You realized you were face to face with the unsub. You didn’t have time to call the team, you had to get out of the bus and stop him before he went to that school. 

You pushed hard on the side door of the bus, realizing quickly it was jammed from the crash. You looked around, how did the bastard get out? 

You saw the emergency window open, halfway down the bus. You stood on the seat, then slid out of the window.

Your height made the fall longer than it should have been. You almost stumbled reaching the rocky ground. You pushed yourself back up to stand and reached for your gun. 

“Norman Alan, stop where you are!” You yelled toward him, but he didn’t stop. He just got in the car that was sitting there. “Norman, this doesn’t have to end like this!” 

He continued to turn the engine of the small car on, headlights bright in your face. You squinted as you saw him take the foot off the break. You stopped breathing when you realized he was coming  _ towards  _ you with the car. 

You were going to end up pancaked between a bus and a car. Adrenaline rushed through you, you looked around seeing a stream between trees, further down in the ditch. You ran. Fast. Faster than you had ever run. 

You could feel the air burning in your lungs. You kept telling yourself that he would hit a tree before he hit you. He would hit a tree.

But before you could run further, you tripped on a rock, landing with your face in the rocky dirt before the stream. You could feel yourself starting to lose consciousness between the pain of the crash and the fact that you just fell face-first into a rocky area. 

You wondered if this was it. At twenty-three, this was it. 

You were wrong because when you opened your eyes and looked behind you, you saw Norman looking down at you with your gun in his hand. You turned on your back to face him. You knew you couldn’t get up even if you wanted to right now. 

“I want you to die a slow, painful death…. _ alone _ like my friend who was ejected from that bus that day did. He died right in these woods,” Norman said, gun emotionally waving in his hands. 

Instinctively, you put your hands up in surrender, “Please, Norman,” You pleaded, tears filling your eyes more than they were before. Everything had been so fast, you didn’t realize the wetness on your cheeks. Both from blood and tears. Your lip whimpered. This can’t be it. 

“Sorry,  _ sweetheart _ ,” the sicko said, you closed your eyes so tightly, you saw white. You heard the gun go off. You didn’t feel pain at first. All of your other senses on such high alert. You could hear the ruffling of leaves and dirt, Norman walking away, you assumed. You heard the engine of the car turn back on and heard it drive away. The sound becoming lighter and lighter in the distance. 

You were afraid to open your eyes, but when you did, you realized your hand was gripping your lower abdomen. Your eyes grew wide, your hand clasped over the spilling blood. Your mind raced. You took your pain medication this morning. It was a blood thinner. On the rare days, you have a bad pain flare with your illness, you will allow yourself to take that to get you through. But the blood was spilling out of you faster than you had seen blood spill out of a person. 

You tried to keep yourself calm. You knew panicking would make you bleed out faster. You kept one hand planted on your wound, holding the dam from overflowing, the other hand reached for your back pocket. You could feel your phone pressing against your behind. 

You groaned pulling it out of your pocket, even the small movement was too much. “ _ Shit”, _ You said to yourself. 

You saw five missing calls. Three from Hotch, one from JJ, and one from Garcia. You clicked the first number you saw. 

Hotch’s. 

He picked up before the first ring even finished, “Y/N, where are you?” 

“It was him,” You panted, “Ouch, shit,” You pressed further into your stomach,”

“We know now,” Hotch said, his voice apologetic. He hates himself for sending you there alone. “I’m _ so  _ sorry, Y/N.”

“Hotch,” Your breathing more and more rapid, “It hurts.”

“What hurts,” He said panicked, “Where are you? Can you see anything?”

“I’m in the woods, where he crashed the bus.” breathless now, “He shot me. I’m bleeding. Everywhere.” You said, your eyes began to flutter. 

“Hey!” Hotch demanded, “Y/N, stay with me!” 

Hotch continued to yell through the phone. You were not sure if you responded, just laid the phone on your chest, while his voice spoke through the speaker. 

“ _ Hotch,”  _ your voice, just above a whisper now, “I haven’t lived yet,” your lip began to shake, tears spilling uncontrollably now, “I haven’t….” You cried out, “Nobody’s ever loved me yet,” You were sure it was the adrenaline speaking now, your filter gone. You were in some middle between conscious and unconscious. 

“I know, I know,” Hotch said softly, you had never heard him speak so gentle before, “We will be there soon. I  _ promise. _ ” You could hear him yell something at whoever was in the car with him. You weren’t sure what. 

“I have...I have so much,” You cried again, “I have so much I want to do. Please, get here.  _ Please. _ ” 

Hotch could  _ feel _ the pain through your voice. He just wanted to be there, make it stop. He wanted to go back in time and  _ not _ send you alone. It was only fifteen minutes after you left, the idiot of a manager for the bus company shared that this bus driver was a new hire, paperwork wasn’t fully in the system. If looks could kill, that man would have been six feet under from the look Hotch gave him. Hotch almost knocked the man over to get to the SUV. 

“I know you do,” Hotch said softly again, “And you will, I will make sure you will.” 

You had so much. So, so much you hadn’t done. You had been hurt in so many physical and emotional ways, this couldn’t be the thing that took you from all you had in front of you. Despite the pain, you had endured in life, you still believed in love. You saw that love that was unbreakable between your parents, despite all of the loss and struggle they went through. You saw the love of your sister and her husband, how they put that first. You thought back to your grandparents, generations of  _ unbreakable  _ love.

Your heart had been shattered into a million pieces, but you didn’t let that make you cold to the world. You didn’t let that stop you from reading that sappy book your old boss, your  _ best friend _ , recommended. You still tuned into  _ “It’s a Wonderful Life”  _ every Christmas and watched as the main character realizes that the importance of life isn’t traveling, it isn’t about work, it isn’t wealth...but it’s about love. Love is the one thing that will always prevail if it is real. 

“I’m so tired, Hotch,” You whispered as you began to close your eyes. Your body surrendering to the pain and sleep took over. 

“No,” Hotch protested as he pressed on the gas pedal harder. They were seconds away. He could see the crashed bus in front of him. “Y/N?” 

No response. He slammed his fist against the steering wheel. Filled with emotions he couldn’t even begin to sort. He wasn’t sure what he was about to walk into, he hadn’t felt this out of control in so long. When his other agents were injured, he knew they would make it out of it. He didn’t have to question it. Even when Prentiss was touch and go, he knew despite their elaborate lie, that she would heal. But you? There was something about you that made him so  _ attached. _

He knew you hadn’t seen life the way you should have. He didn’t know details, but he knew enough that you deserved a life that was so special. He didn’t care what he had to do, sell his  _ soul  _ to the devil himself, he would make sure you lived to see that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think? Do you guys think things with Y/N and Hotch will grow closer from this? Obviously, Y/N is going to make it out of this alive, but her health issues are going to come into play a lot more now due to her injuries. Will it bring them closer together or send Y/N running for the hills!! Let me know what you think of this chapter, babes : )


	7. Chapter Seven: I need to feel your hand upon my face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I am back with chapter seven! This one brings on allllll the feels. 
> 
> Here is the playlist you all seemed excited about to go along with the story:
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6luAdTiH4RobuFEMrtkxKw?si=c__WvFpkTCuno9EiD3-oAQ
> 
> This chapter is named after Bloodstream by Stateless. I highly suggest listening! 

Hotch paced the waiting room, Rossi thought he was going to burn a hole through the floor. Bloodstains on his pants from when he finally got to you. He couldn’t get the images out of his head, you lying there helpless. Your skin pale, covered in dirt, he assumed from falling. Blood…blood was everywhere. He had never seen so much blood come from a gunshot wound. This hadn’t been his first time witnessing someone with a gunshot wound, he’d seen it more than he’d like, so he knew it was not normal to see  _ that _ much blood. 

The rest of the team also in the waiting room. JJ was tapping her leg in one of the chairs. Emily was biting her nails. Reid was stick-straight in his chair. Morgan was being Penelope’s rock. And Rossi looked like he’d seen this all before, the ending…not one he liked to tell. 

It was a miracle they were able to catch Norman with the mindset everyone was in. The paperwork? That could wait till later. Whether Strauss liked it or not. 

“Hotch,” Rossi said trying to get his attention, “We need to believe that she is going to be alright.”

Hotch continued to pace, taking in Rossi’s words. He stopped and ran his fingers through his hair. He felt helpless. He sent you on that bus. 

“We need to believe she’s going to make it through, that’s all we can do right now,” Rossi said, “You can’t blame yourself for this, Aaron. Nobody could have known.” Rossi was one hell of a profiler. 

“How can I  _ not _ blame myself for this, Dave,” Hotch snapped, “I sent her there,  _ alone _ .” 

Rossi stood up, placing a hand on Hotch’s shoulder, “I know you care for her, Aaron, but she wouldn’t want you here blaming yourself for this. You know her, she would not want that.”

“Of course I care for her,” Hotch defended, “She’s a member of this team, the  _ youngest _ member of this team. Someone with that potential shouldn’t be cut off this short.” 

Rossi knew what Hotch was getting at, being your boss always came first, but Rossi could also read through every line that he said. 

“Y/N is the most optimistic person on this team, Aaron. We need to be that way for her.” Rossi said before walking back to his seat. 

He was right. You were always the one when times got tough to have faith in what you all did. Maybe it because you were young, new. Not naive, but you still had that much faith in the overall good in this sometimes corrupt system. You always were the other teammates’ rocks. Whether it be checking in on them when you picked up that this was a particularly hard case for them or even if you could tell there was something up in their personal life. You never overstepped, but you were always a shoulder to lean on from the beginning.

Hotch thought about how little others checked up on you. Maybe it was because you were new, or possibly since his agents have been doing this hamster wheel of a job for so long, they forgot where they came from. Even himself, he often wondered when it would be too much for you… when your fierce facade would crumble. He wondered, but he never gave you the same treatment you gave him or the others. 

About two hours went by, still no word, much to the team’s protest as they questioned the nurse every 20 minutes if there was anything new. 

Emily was now asleep on JJ’s shoulder, Reid had found the gift shop and purchased a book to read, Derek had put his headphones in, Rossi had dozed off in his chair, and Penelope was now on her laptop trying to distract herself. 

Hotch...well Hotch hadn’t left where he was standing. His legs now numb from being in this position for so long. He looked down at his pants, if it were anyone else, he’d be changing. But between the responsibility he felt and you being...  _ you _ , he couldn’t bring himself to leave. At least not until he heard word that you were alive. 

“Y/N Y/L/N?”

Hotch’s eyes shot up, “Yeah, that’s us.”

The rest of the team shot up and followed Hotch walking towards the doctor. 

“How is she,” Morgan blurted out first.

“It was touch and go for a little while,” The doctor sighed, “We were lucky that Y/N is a regular at the hospital with our head neurologist, Doctor Logan. Everything we needed on her health was already on file. With Y/N’s nerve condition and the blood thinners she was taking, it is a miracle she is alive.”

The team looked in confusion, not knowing about your health conditions whatsoever. Your biggest secret. Your most private part. 

“Nerve condition,” Hotch questioned, “Did she develop that from the injury?”

The doctor looked back in confusion, “You were unaware of Y/N’s health?”

“No, we didn’t know any of this,” JJ said, shocked. 

“Y/N has a nerve condition that causes her to be in a great deal of pain and most situations. Her nerve endings are amplified, a simple touch can feel like pressing on a bruise, for example,” The doctor explained, “Y/N takes an as-needed pain medication that is also a blood thinner, to help stop constricting her nerves if she is having a bad pain day.”

Hotch felt his stomach sink. It was all making sense to him. The repeated phone calls. The alarm you would get every day at 3 pm on your phone. Your shaky hands. You bleeding uncontrollably. 

“Wow,” Rossi said, “We...we didn’t know.”

“From what Doctor Logan has told me tonight, Y/N is an extraordinary young woman. It would not surprise me that she could put on a brave face and do what you do every day,” The doctor explained, Hotch couldn’t agree more. “Y/N is still in surgery though, we are at the tail end of it, I just wanted to give you an update. Luckily the bullet did not knick anything major. She was very, very lucky.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Emily nodded. 

“When she is out and awake I will come to update you, unfortunately, due to visiting hours being over in the ICU, only one visitor at a time.” The doctor said and the team nodded, watching as he walked back behind the door. 

The team turned to each other, all of them pretty much speechless.

“I can’t believe she thought she couldn’t come to us with that,” Penelope said, her eyes sad. 

“I know,” Emily sighed, pinching her nose, “How does she do it?”

“Nerve conditions are very tricky to treat and or diagnose.” Reid began, “Many times a doctor will miss many signs and toss it up to stress or growing pains if they are at a young age. Most times a patient has to fight for a diagnosis. A nerve condition like that is probably caused by an autoimmune disorder as well, which means the immune system essentially attacks the nerves, sometimes causing permanent damage, autoimmune diseases are also kind of a domino effect, they tend to cause more illnesses over time.”

Hotch stared, eyebrows pressed and arms crossed. The tension radiating off of him could have been felt a mile away. He wasn’t sure if he was sad for you, mad at himself, or what. 

“And this is something she can live with,” Rossi asked. 

“Essentially, yes,” Reid said, “Quality of life comes into play a lot though, unfortunately, there is a high rate of suicides due to chronic pain and chronic illness. It’s not terminal, but unbearable? Yes.”

“Jeez,” Morgan said, hand resting against the top of his head. He sighed, walking back to sit down.

“She seems to be doing okay though, right?” JJ said, her question made Hotch want to punch a wall. 

“How would we know,” Hotch spat, his face cold and angry, he walked away from the group and looked out the window in the waiting room. The night sky held no stars tonight. 

He turned back to them and continued, “We walk around letting her pick up all of our goddamn pieces and I can’t remember the last time I heard any of us genuinely ask her if she’s okay. No wonder she felt she couldn’t trust us with her personal life.” 

The rest of the team was taken back by Hotch’s hostile behavior. 

“Aaron, she’s quiet, you know she doesn’t like to share her personal life,” Rossi defended the team. 

“Would  _ you _ if everyone had their heads so far up their asses that they couldn’t even take a step back and make you feel comfortable to be a part of the team,” Hotch said, his voice like ice. He crossed his arms again, “We have all let this job get to us in a way we forget what it was like to be new here. We have all forgotten that our baggage seems heavier on days when cases remind us of our lives.”

Nobody replied, taking in all of what Hotch said. Each one of them realized he was right. Hotch just shook his head and slumped into the chair. 

“We are gonna try to do better,” Morgan promised, “We have to do better for her and us.”

“Derek’s right,” Emily nodded.

“We can’t afford to push her away,” Rossi said, “The kid’s quick as a whip.” 

“Smarter than I was at that age,” JJ sighed, taking the seat next to Hotch. 

“I think we can all agree she’s smarter than any of us were at that age, excluding Reid for obvious reasons,” Hotch said looking back up at everyone.

Before they could continue, the door opened again, it was the doctor again. He walked over towards the group. 

“Y/N is out of surgery and should make a full recovery, the best she can with her health issues and all. The pain will be an issue on and off for a while, but she will continue to work with Doctor Logan and me after she’s discharged and healed.” The doctor said, “As I said before, one of you can come back to see her. Usually, it is family only, but this seems like a rare case.”

“We are her family,” Penelope smiled. 

“Yeah, her dysfunctional one,” Emily teased. 

The doctor laughed, “ So, who wants to go back?” 

“I think Aaron should,” Rossi said, “He’s the closest with her, out of all of us.”

Hotch looked over to Rossi, “That’s because-”

“You don’t need to explain, Hotch,” Morgan said patting Hotch’s shoulder, “Go see her.”

Hotch nodded, “You guys should go and get some rest.”

“We’ll be here in shifts,” Penelope said. 

“Alright,” Hotch smiled, turning to follow the doctor to the ICU. 

When he walked into the room, you were still asleep. You were so still. Despite all of the pain he  _ knew _ you were in, he thought you almost looked peaceful. Maybe it was because everyone looks peaceful in their sleep, or maybe because it was you. 

“She’ll probably be asleep for a few more hours. She just received a blood transfusion, we should be in periodically to check on her and her vitals,” The doctor said, “There are a pillow and blanket on the chair for you.” 

“Thank you.” 

Hotch walked towards your bed. You were hooked up to many different machines, some that looked familiar to him from times he was lying in the same position, others different. You were probably more at risk for infections and complications, he thought. 

He pulled the chair close to your bed, he didn’t want you to have to wake up alone. He figured once you woke up, he would ask if there was anyone he could call. He was sure you would want anyone but him here. A flight from Boston shouldn’t be too long, your family would be here in no time if you wanted them. He’d see if the Bureau would reimburse your family if they came.

He sat down in the chair, pure exhaustion washing over him, but sleep wouldn’t come. He knew it wouldn’t, so he didn’t even try. He sat there awake watching you sleep, the rise and fall of your chest and the beeping reassuring him that you were okay. You were gonna be okay. As okay as you can be. 

He thought about all of the ways he would bring up your heath, he felt there was some sort of HIPAA privacy laws broken tonight or that the whole team somehow invaded your privacy without you knowing. He felt guilty because he knew how you were. He knew you didn’t want them to think you were weak. If anything, it seemed this knowledge gained newfound respect from your team members. You were stronger than you looked. 

Hotch’s hands fidgeted for the next two hours, wondering when you would wake up. Nurses passed through the room, in and out checking on you. Everything looked good on their end. 

One of the older nurses came in to change her fluids for her IV, Hotch looked up and smiled at her quietly. 

The older woman looked down at you and smiled, “You have a beautiful girlfriend here.”

Hotch almost choked on his spit, “Oh,” He shook his head, “She’s not, I’m her-”

“No need to explain, honey,” The nurse smiled at him, “You look at her like she’s the most beautiful thing to walk this planet, even though she’s just been through probably the roughest nights other life.” The older woman shrugged, “I know it’s none of my business, but I have lived and walked around long enough to know a look like that when I see one.” 

Before Hotch could even gather words to reply, the women had stepped out of the room, sliding the ICU door behind her. Hotch sighed, looking back towards you. You were beautiful, even here. Even with the cuts and bruises on your face and the tubes coming out of your nose. He’d be blind if he didn’t. 

He was taken out of his thoughts by your body moving slowly in the bed. 

You slowly opened your eyes, the lights in the room far too bright. Everything was too white. You could smell the scent of the hospital before you could even recognize you were there. A scent you knew all too well. But another scent, it was faint, but there. It smelt like leather and it was woodsy. 

Your eyes focused more as you continued to wake. You could feel your body aching. Your nerve endings on fire. You could feel your aching muscles with every tiny movement or breath you took. You scrunched your eyes shut then back open again.

“Welcome back,” you turned slowly, it was Hotch. 

He smiled at you, your eyes heavy. He could read the exhaustion and discomfort on your face.

You returned the smile, groaning a little as you tried to sit up, only to quickly be stopped by a warm hand placed on your arm.

“You should stay still,” Hotch said gently, “Let me go tell a nurse you’re awake.”

You swallowed, nodding. Your throat was scratchy from the tubes. 

Hotch stepped out for a moment, returning with the older nurse. He took his seat back next to you as the nurse walked beside you, chart in hand. 

“Good morning, beautiful,” the older woman said, her voice so comforting. It reminded you of your grandmother. 

“Hi,” Your voice hoarse, “What happened?”

“Well honey, you had a pretty bad gunshot wound to your lower abdomen.” She looked apologetic, “You lose a lot of blood due to your blood thinners and your condition.”

Your heart sank,  _ shit _ . 

“They were able to repair the wound and you should heal just fine sweetie,” The nurse reassured, “Doctor Logan switched your medications too, no more blood thinners in your line of work,” she winked, “I’ll be back with that water and some more meds in a sec!”

The nurse walked out of the door, leaving you with Hotch alone. You sighed, feeling the ache in your stomach. You didn’t look at him, you just crossed your arms. Not in anger, almost in a protective manner. Like you were hugging yourself, comforting yourself.

“You know,” You weren’t sure if it was a question or a statement. Your voice low and eyes still avoiding Hotch. You didn’t want to see the look in his eyes. You would either see one or two things. Pity or doubt. 

“I know,” Hotch said,  _ Y/N, _ ” he said your name almost like a plea. 

You still didn’t turn. You  _ couldn’t _ . If he gave you either of those looks, you would have your resignation papers on his desk the moment you were out of the hospital, that’s  _ if _ they didn’t let you go for being a liability. 

“Y/N, look at me.”

You closed your eyes in frustration, taking a deep breath. You slowly looked at him. 

“I want you to know that I don’t think anything different of you,” He said, his face showed no doubt, no pity. His face was soft, caring...but no pity or doubt, “None of us do, Y/N. We still have just as much respect and admiration for you as we did before, if not more.”

You the inside of your cheek listening to his words. “You shouldn’t have to walk around taking care of all of us all of the time and not expect us to want to return the gesture,” He tilted his head, “I’m sorry we haven’t shown that you could come to us. I’m sorry you are always the one picking up all of our pieces and I’m sorry we haven’t given you a chance to breathe and allow yourself to stop being so perfect for once,” He stifled a laugh, you knew he was serious about everything, but the last part. You were so far from perfect.

You continued to stare at him, waiting for the  _ but _ part to come. 

“I just didn’t want you guys to think I couldn’t do my job,” Your voice cracked, “I have let so many people down,” You shrugged, “Everyone except my family has run, looked at me differently, or used this as my weakness.”

“Y/N, as we all told the doctor in that waiting room, we  _ are  _ a family. We are a team, but a family. The only thing that’s changed is now everyone will think twice before asking for a sick day given you’ve never used one, even when you should and could have,” He joked, and you laughed this time. 

You opened your mouth to speak, words failing you. Unsure of what to say to express your gratitude. “Thank you,” Your voice almost above a whisper. 

_ Thank you for getting to me in time. _

_ Thank you for accepting me. _

_ Thank you for not looking at me any differently.  _

_ Thank you for being you.  _

Hotch reached up and wiped the tear that fell from your cheek with his thumb. Instinctively, your face leaned into his touch. Your cold cheek against his warm hand. He didn’t move it. You weren’t sure if it was the pain medicine or the effects of your injury, but you stayed like that for a few moments until the nurse returned. You couldn’t help but notice, Hotch’s soft eyes didn’t leave you for one moment the rest of the night. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: ahhhhh feeellllzzzzz. I hope you loved this chapter as much as I did writing it. Please let me know your thoughts, feedback is everything.


	8. Chapter Eight: Until we all fall, we all do, in the meantime, come and cover me up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, babes! I spent my new years eve writing this chapter, I read once that how you ring in the new year is a reflection of how your year will be. If my year is half as rewarding as writing this has been, I’ll be a happy camper! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter! The title is from Bullet Holes By Gregory Alan Isakov, it is in our playlist!

You drifted in and out of sleep for the remainder of the following day. The rest of the team came in all at once first, but then in shifts later on. It was nice having the company, but what was even better was having them here  _ knowing _ this part of your story. 

Rossi gave you this whole speech about an old friend of his who sustained a huge injury in the field, he forever lived with chronic pain but was one of the toughest people he worked with. He admired his perseverance every day, as he does with you now. 

Penelope kept on apologizing, wishing she could have been there for you. She said that you could come to her for  _ whatever _ . If she could help in any way...she would.

Derek kept calling you a badass and talked you up so much that you were laughing so hard, you thought you were going to bust a stitch.

JJ was loving, she reminded you of your sister and how she took it when she found out. There were no big gestures or words, but the little words of encouragement and sentiment meant the world. 

Emily asked you about three times, how you did it? How you could get up each morning even though you ached and hurt? How could you not just sit in bed and feel sorry for yourself, like any normal person would? You explained that you learned over the years that was wasted energy. She just sat with you astonished by your strength. 

When Spencer sat with you, he didn’t have to say much of anything. It was never brought up, but there was this silent understanding between the two of you. You could count on him to fully understand the complexities of your illness but still look at you like  _ you _ . Maybe it was because of all he went through with his mother or maybe it was because he was Spencer...either way, you felt comforted by that silent perception he had with you. 

Hotch was in and out. You knew where he stood, but he still made sure you knew one or two more times before the day was over. You were sure when visiting hours ended, he would have traded places with someone tonight. You knew tonight you had to make the dreaded call to your parents, you knew even asking them not to come, they would. So until they did, you assumed one of the other team members would sit with you. 

It wasn’t until Hotch came back in far more relaxed pants; joggers, and a t-shirt. He walked into the room not noticing your confused stare. 

“You’re not staying here tonight again, are you?”

“If you don’t want me to,” Hotch frowned, “I can have Emily or Spencer stay?”

“No, no,” You shook your head, “I just...feel bad. Don’t you have to see Jack?”

“Saw him earlier, he’s staying at Jess’ house.” He sat back in the chair he sat in the day and night, “Don’t feel bad.” 

You gave him a small smile, a silent  _ thank you _ . 

The smile he returned with a silent,  _ you’re welcome _ .

“I, uh, have to call my family.”

“Right,” Hotch said, sitting up from his comfortable position in the chair, “Let me step out to give you some privacy.”

He began getting up, your hand reached for his forearm. He looked down at it. 

“Stay,” You said, “If you leave, I’m pretty sure I won’t call. You can hold me accountable.” You chuckled and he nodded, sitting back down. 

He passed you your cell phone on your side table. 

“Thanks,” You swallowed, looking at the phone. Calling them made this all real. 

You were hurt. You were shot. You almost bled out. All of their silent worries came true. 

“You know my parents,” You shook your head looking up at him, “They never made my dreams seem unattainable, you know? I know they worry every day that something like this would happen. I know my mother doesn’t sleep well when I’m this far away.” 

“Are you close with your parents?” 

“Yeah,” You let out a shaky breath, “They’re my best friends. They never were like ‘ _ parents’ _ , if that makes sense. We were so close in age, they came to me with their problems and worries a lot of the time. I know they would never have if they knew the damage it would have done,” You let out a small laugh, “Their worries about my health though? They never made me think I was any less capable.”

Hotch listened closely to what you spoke, he could see more and more pieces being put together. Why sometimes you felt like a burden. Why you took on other people’s problems over your own. You were an empath. You were your parent’s cheerleader from a young age, the stability from who knows how long. 

“You should call them,” Hotch nodded towards the phone, “Think if roles were reversed.”

“You’re right.”

“Aren’t I always?” He joked and you just rolled your eyes. 

You dialed your house phone number, putting the phone to your ear, and quickly your mom picked it up.

“Y/N,” Her voice lit up, “I’m so happy you called, honey. I miss you.”

“Hi, mom,” You bit your inner cheek, “I miss you too, mom.”

“How was your day? Dad just got in, we’re about to watch reruns of the shows you were able to put on that DVD for us.”

You stalled. Hotch’s hand was felt on your arm, you looked down and he gave you an encouraging squeeze with his hand. You couldn’t help your lip twitch with half a smile.

“Mom,” You started, “I need to tell you and dad something but I need you both to stay calm.” 

“Honey, you’re scaring me. What is it?” 

“I was hurt at work,” You swallowed, “I was shot. I am okay now. They were able to fix it. I am okay. Please know I am okay. Doctor Logan has checked in on me and is working one on one - “ 

“Y/N,  _ oh my god _ ,” Her voice broken. You could hear her calling for your dad through the other end. 

“I’m okay, mom.”

“We are coming to see you, Y/N,” This time it was your dad, you threw your head back in frustration, feeling Hotch’s hand was still on your arm. He gave you another gentle squeeze. 

“Dad, you can’t take time off from work,” You argued, “Mom, do you have any PTO left?” 

“She’s right,” Your mom agreed, you knew she was talking to your father more than you, “I do, I can take the first flight I can get.”

You continued talking details with your mom, how she could stay with you at your studio. Actually, see it for the first time, you said. Trying to give her something positive to look forward to. 

Silently as Hotch listened, he thought that was so  _ you.  _

You asked your mom to tell your sister but not to worry about anyone else. You didn’t need everyone hopping on the flight. Having your mom here with you would ease her anxieties and just that gave you peace of mind. 

“Let me transfer some more money into your account for the flight,” You said. 

Hotch listening in closely. Of  _ course, _ you helped out with your parents now that you financially could. He often wondered with the salary you were now making - it was not great, but better than what you had in Boston by any means - why you lived in such a small apartment. 

He listened as you finished up the phone call, exchanging about a hundred, “I love you’s/love you too’s” between the two of you. His lips turned up in a smile. 

Hanging up, you let out a breath you felt like you were holding since you woke up, knowing you had to make this call. 

“Thank you,” You said laying back on your pillow, turned to look at Hotch. 

“No thanks needed.”

  
  


Your mother arrived quicker than you thought. By the next day, mid-morning, she was walking through the doors. You had been moved from an ICU room to a regular post-op recovery room. You were in silent relief, having to text her that you were in the ICU would have been the icing on the cake. You didn’t need to add more stress to her already full plate before she even got there. 

When she got there, Hotch was finally sleeping for you guessed the first time since this all happened by the bags under his eyes. He was your boss, _ of course, _ he was worried, you argued with yourself.

“Mom,” You said softly, lifting your arms to embrace her in a hug, gently to not hurt your wound. 

You couldn’t help but watch her gaze shifting back and forth from you to Hotch sleeping in the chair.

“Is that your -” 

_ Boyfriend?  _ You knew she would optimistically ask. No. 

“Boss,” You finished. 

“Ah, I see,” Your mom said, sitting by your feet, “Is it protocol for bosses to stay with their employees when injured?” 

She raised an eyebrow, you weren’t even going to try to decipher what she was implying. 

“Um, I don’t know,” You shrugged, looking at Hotch asleep. He looked so  _ peaceful _ . “I guess we are more than just his employees, we’re a team.”

“You are more than just his employee?” she corrected.

“I mean, yeah, he’s the one who makes the calls and stuff, but out in the field we are equals when it comes to protecting one another.”

She gave a nonconvincing nod. You changed the subject. The topic of your personal life when it came to dating, men, etc. was a sore subject for you, but an even sore-er subject when it came to discussing it with your mother. 

The two of you caught up, your voices remained low, to not wake Hotch. She asked about every five minutes if you were in pain. You said no the first few times, but the last few she could read you like a book. She knew all of your tells when it came to you being in a large amount of pain. 

You knew it was time for more pain medication, ringing the button signaling them to come in. The nurses less than silent coming in, changing IV bags and administering meds into your IV, disturbed Hotch from his slumber. 

Your gaze looked over to him making a small groan as he sat up. That chair can’t be comfortable, you thought. 

Hotch opened his eyes and saw a woman who looked almost exactly like you sitting on your bed. The resemblance was remarkable. If he didn’t know you, he would have guessed this was an older sister. 

Your mother’s face turned to him with a smile, sitting up from the bed to walk over to him, offering her hand.

“I’m Margaret, Y/N’s mom.” 

Hotch shook her hand giving her a warm smile. 

“I’m SSA Aaron Hotchner,” He offered, “I will go and let you two catch up,” He said looking in your direction. You couldn’t hide the hint of disappointment that spread on your face. Your mom picked up on it instantly,  _ of course,  _ she did. 

“No, stay, please,” Your mom shook her head, “I need a third party opinion, Y/N tends to downplay things.”

Hotch laughed, “You’re telling me, we have worked together for over a year and this is the first time I have seen her stop for once,” He shot you a smile. 

The three of you chatted about everything and nothing. That was one thing about your mom, she was one of the easiest people to talk to. You never worried about bringing friends or guys around your mom knowing she would embarrass you. The only thing you worried about was the  _ nagging  _ questions and comments after they weren’t in her presence. She was always a bit...blunt. Only with you though. 

Hotch got to know you more through your mother. Listening to her talk about you, he could tell she was more than proud of you. That she as well looked at you more like a friend than a daughter. The way she talked about your younger sister felt more like a mother-daughter relationship, but yours seemed like two friends who’d known each other forever. 

He tried not to think about the fact that the woman who birthed you was only a few years older than he was. He shook it out of his thoughts the few times he looked back and forth between your mother and you. Nothing was conventional about you or your relationships. He remembered when the Boston office sent over your recommendation, it came from the assistant chief. He thought it was odd at first, but reading into it, realizing the Unit Cheif at the task force was more than bias when it came to you. You and she had been good friends. Despite her being older than your mother, you came to learn the two of you were attached at the hip back in Boston. 

Even your friendships showed your true emotional age. You were far from twenty-three mentally, emotionally, and physically your body had been through more than any twenty-three year old would ever. 

That night the head doctor came back into your room, interrupting a conversation between your mother, Hotch, and you. It was entirely less than a conversation, mostly the two of them teasing and ragging on you, you couldn’t complain though. It felt nice to be understood. 

“When can I go home,” You asked. 

Being in and out of hospitals more than you like, you knew the ins and outs of how to wiggle your way into getting what you wanted,  _ especially _ when it meant leaving the stuffy place. 

Much to Hotch’s doubts, the doctor agreed to discharge you tonight with the promise that you wouldn’t lift a finger for the agreed amount of time. Hotch couldn’t help but wonder if your ways to get things out of unsubs was as good as it was because you had years and years of experience convincing people in white coats to give you what you want. 

  
  
  
  


“I keep telling her she needs to get a car,” Your mom protested, “You said this guy shot up a bus? Yeah, no more public transportation for you, honey.” 

The three of you were walking to Hotch’s car - well Hotch and your mother were walking, you, however, were being pushed in a wheelchair. Hotch offered to bring you both to your apartment given this whole situation was a wake-up call on the dangers of relying on a bus. 

“That’s what I tried to tell her,” Hotch laughed, opening the front door, extending his arm for you to grab and lean on as you got up. You inhaled sharply at the pain that shot instantly to the lower half of your body. Hotch’s grip on your hand tightened gently, You squeezed his hand back, giving him a small smile before he helped you sit in the passenger seat. Your mom and the bags took the back seat. 

The ride to your apartment was short, you couldn’t help but feel saddened by your time with Hotch ending. You knew after today - _ what day was it?  _ After today, Hotch would return to work, everything would return to normal. You would miss that time you had with him these past few days. 

Hotch helped the two of you up to your apartment, the three of you took the elevator instead of your usual choice of stairs. It was a control thing. You preferred the stairs. 

“That’s another thing,” Hotch said, pressing the button to the elevator door shut, “I told her she needs to live someplace with better security measures. Or at least better in her apartment.” 

You could practically  _ hear _ the thoughts in your mother’s head, burning through your own. 

_ He’s been to your apartment before?  _ You were taken out of listening to her internal dialogue by the ding of the third floor. 

Hotch was kind enough to help you get settled in your apartment. You figured you would give your mom the grand tour of your shoebox another time. She could figure out where most things were.

You sat up in your bed,  _ oh, how nice it is to be back in my bed _ . You thanked your past self for putting a clean pair of sheets on before you left for work last Monday. Clean sheets were the best feeling. 

You listened as Hotch explained to your mom the best way to help change a bandage on a healing wound like yours. You hated that he knew so much about the subject from personal experiences. 

“I don’t want to see you at the office until at least the beginning of next month,” Hotch said, now standing beside your bed. 

“B -”

“No, but’s, that’s an order.” 

You swallowed, words failing you. You just nodded.  _ Yes, sir. _

He softened his face, “Rest, please, Y/N.” 

“I will,” You smiled, “Thank you….for  _ everything _ .” 

“Stop thanking me,” Hotch patted your leg under the blankets, “I want to help you in whatever way I can.” 

“Okay,” you let out a content sigh, “Don’t have too much fun at work without me,” You teased.

“Oh, it will be no fun whatsoever without you there,” He smiled, patting your leg again, “I’ll check in soon.” 

Hotch wasn’t even fully out of your apartment before your mom hopped into the other side of your bed with you. A million questions began. Starting with, “has he been here before” and ending with, “Are you  _ blind”. _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: What did you all think? I was happy to show a little bit more of the responsibilities of Y/N’s life. Showing the weight her childhood had on her as well as her unconventional relationship with her mother, will come into play more later on! 
> 
> Please let me know in the comments what you all think! Feedback is so helpful and it is so enjoyable to talk with you all about this story! 
> 
> See you in the next chapter! < 3


	9. Chapter Nine: Look at the cards that we've been dealt, if you were anybody else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!! Here is another chapter for you all! Parts of this are kind of filler-y, but there are some sweet Hotch/Reader moments as well as a bit of a cliffhanger at the end! 

The time your mother spent with you was much needed. You didn’t realize how many muscles you used in your lower abdomen to do things until you got shot. Having her there with you for two and a half weeks was the biggest blessing. You gave her the money to get a rental car the time she was there. You needed someone to take you to your follow-ups and the whole car situation was still...well, a situation.

She helped cook your meals to freeze, scolding you that you shouldn’t eat so much take out. That she taught you better, you were a good cook. You had no excuse.

She cleaned, it was in her blood. She couldn’t just  _ not  _ pick up the little bits of clutter here and there. 

You two watched your favorite movies together, caught up on your favorite shows, and caught up on life. You couldn’t help the ache in your heart listening to her tell you how they still struggled, despite all you did to help financially. She made you promise you’d be home for the holidays, maybe even for the summer. You made a mental note when you were back to work to request the holidays off and maybe a weekend in July. 

You couldn’t help but sigh realizing Hotch still hadn’t reached out since he left you over a week ago. You got calls from Emily, Penelope, Spencer, and JJ. Derek and Rossi shot you a text every so often. But Hotch? Nothing. Radio silence. 

It was about time for your mom’s cab to the airport to come. You couldn’t help but feel a wave of emotions. It reminded you of how torn you felt the day you got on the plane to move to Virginia. Your mom half begging you to stay, half begging you to go live your dreams out bigger than she ever could. 

“Thank you for everything, mom,” You hugged her tightly. 

“Of course,” She squeezed you, “You take care of yourself, okay?” 

You nodded, breaking away from the hug. It never got easier. 

You told her to call you when she landed, to say hi to everyone, and send your love. She promised she would.

When she was halfway out the door, she turned, “Maybe give that boss of yours a call and check-in,” she smirked, you tilted your head and she just laughed, leaving. 

You walked back over to your couch, sinking onto it slowly. You picked up your phone, wondering if you should take your mom’s advice. Deciding against it, you sighed and put the phone down on your lap. 

You decided you needed a  _ long _ shower. To scrub the last few weeks figuratively off of you. You grabbed a few candles, and a glass of wine - thank god you were off the strong pain killers so you could finally have a glass. You lit the candles in the bathroom, placing your wine on the counter. You turned the shower on as hot as you could take it before returning to your room, you grabbed your laptop to put on some music. 

That was the nice part about living alone, you could play whatever you want and how loud you wanted it. 

Music playing and candles going, you undressed carefully to avoid your healing wound. Thank god for modern medicine, you thought. Not only was it healing well and small, but dissolvable stitches made it even better knowing you didn’t have to have them removed. 

You grabbed your glass of wine and hopped into the steam of the hot shower. You couldn’t help but sigh in relaxation as the hot water hit the back of your neck. You took a sip of wine, before putting it on the lip of the tub. 

Making work of washing your hair, shaving your legs for the first time in weeks, and exfoliating all of the stress and grime off of your body, you felt like a new woman. You continued to let the water hit the back of you, enjoying the pressure and the music you had blaring outside of the shower. 

You were instantly taken out of your thoughts by the sound of your phone ringing. You jumped in surprise, stepping out of the shower, reaching the counter for it. Not looking at the caller-ID, you answered.

“Hey,” You said casually, one foot still in the shower, instantly wanting to return to its heat.

“Y/N?”

It was Hotch, your heart skipped a beat. You couldn’t help but reach for your towel instantly covering yourself. Despite there being a phone between you two, you still felt the need to cover. You reached back and turned the shower off.

“Hotch, hey, how are ya?”

He heard the music blaring in the background of your call, “Are you having some sort of party, Y/N?”

You laughed, turning the music down on your laptop, “No, um, sorry,” You laughed nervously, “I was uh, taking a shower.”

Hotch involuntarily cleared his throat, you couldn’t help but notice. 

“Oh, uh, sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt.” 

“You didn’t interrupt,” You said, “You saved my water bill from being ridiculously high.”

He laughed a little, “How are you feeling? I remembered your mom left today.” 

“I’m feeling well,” You nodded, even though he couldn’t see you, “I have a feeling I’ll be cleared for work soon.”

“Well no coming in until so,” He sounded less stern than the words meant. 

“I’m going to look for a car tomorrow, you should be proud of me, no more public transportation for this lady,” You chuckled. 

“Are you sure you’re up for that?”

“Oh yeah, I was cleared to drive, despite hating driving in general,” You shrugged, walking towards your bed, holding your towel you laid down. 

“Well, that’s good, I think,” He laughed, he figured you weren’t the type who liked driving much, given you never fought him or anyone on the team to take the wheel on a case, “Do you know what you’re looking for?”

“No, I don’t, figured maybe the right one would stick out.” 

He smiled, you could hear it in his voice, “Do you even know anything about cars?”

“God, no,” You let out a laugh, “As long as it works, I’m good.”

He laughed again, “I could, uh, come with you if you wanted? I’m no expert but I have some knowledge,” He paused, “Sean was big into cars when he was a teenager.” 

Sean, his brother. You never heard him talk about him much. The little you knew was from JJ. Sean wasn’t too much older than you, about JJ’s age. JJ also threw in that he was attractive. You couldn’t help but think that it ran in the family, but kicked yourself for your thoughts. 

“You really don’t have to, Hotch.”

“I want to,” He said, “We have tomorrow off and Jack’s going to be at a friend’s house for most of the day playing video games,” you could feel his smile again through the phone, you always noticed he couldn’t help but smile when it came to talking about Jack. 

“Are you suurreee,” You stretched the last part out, in case he had any protests. 

“Of course, I’d be happy to help.”

“You’re always happy to help,” You joked. 

“Why wouldn’t I be,” He asked, confusion in his voice. 

“I’m sure you have better things to do than spend the day looking for cars with me,” You laughed, but he didn’t reciprocate the laugh at your self-depreciation. 

“Y/N, I enjoy our time together,” He said, his voice softer now, “Besides, we never got to hang out like we planned to.”

“Right,” You smiled, “Silly me getting shot,” You laughed, he joined this time. 

“I can pick you up around noon, is that alright?” 

“Perfect,” You said, “Have you guys been having fun at work without me?”

You teased, but his response was serious, “I told you, it’s no fun at work without you. Get better, you’re missed here.”

You weren’t sure if he meant missed by him or the whole team. Maybe both. Either way, you couldn’t help but smile, a small blush forming on your cheeks.

“I’d be there today if I cooulddd,” you tried. 

“You better not even  _ try _ that,” His voice now stern. You couldn’t help wanting to test him but decided against it. 

There was a pause before you cleared your throat to interrupt the silence, “I should let you get back to work,” You said, “But I am looking forward to tomorrow.” 

“I am too,” He said, “Rest up. Y/N.” 

You got up from your bed and sighed. Deciding it was best to get dressed, you did so and then spent the rest of your day on the couch with a book you have been dying to read. All of this time, your mother was there to keep your mind occupied, now it was your responsibility. You figured getting caught up in some fictional character’s life would be nothing but a cure for that. 

  
  
  


The next morning you woke up and got ready for the day. You opted for something different than you would wear to work, it was nice to get dressed for something that was not work. You opted for some skinny jeans, your old AC/DC shirt that you had since college, cheetah ballet flats, and a leather jacket. 

Locking up behind you, you walked downstairs to the lobby of your apartment to wait for Hotch. You were having a good day today, your pain levels were pretty low, and your incision didn’t hurt very much at all anymore. You were headed in the right direction. 

You saw Hotch pull up, right on time. You walked out of the lobby and shot him a smile before hopping up into the passenger seat. 

“Hi,” You smiled, closing the passenger door. 

“Hi,” He repeated, “How are you feeling.”

“Really good today,” You said as you buckled, “I feel like myself again, and I’m not just saying that ‘cause I’m itching to get back to work.”

He laughed, “That’s really great to hear, Y/N.”

The beginning of the drive was fairly quiet, but not uncomfortable silence. Hotch eventually broke the silence commenting on your t-shirt. 

“So you’re an AC/DC fan too,” He raised an eyebrow at you then returned his eyes to the road.

You laughed, “Yeah, who isn’t? Why?”

“You just have quite the diverse and impressive taste in music for someone in their twenties.” 

“What can I say? I have  _ amazing _ taste in music,” You said shamelessly.

“ _ That _ you do.”

  
  


The whole process of finding a car was fairly simple given your budget and your lack of pickiness when it came to choosing a car.

You had quite the impressive savings for someone who was paying student loans, bills and helping your parents out. You learned at a young age how to handle money and that was to do the  _ entire _ opposite of what your parents did with the money they had. 

The only tricky part about the whole thing was Hotch, he was the picky one. He found something wrong with every car you first looked at. 

“What’s wrong with this one,” You asked, pointing to the car. 

“You’ll be a pancake if you were to crash that thing,” He rolled his eyes, “It looks like a toaster on wheels.”

You snorted a laugh, rolled your eyes, and moved on the next.

“And this one?”

“Not great reviews on this one.”

“Aren’t  _ I  _ the one driving it?”

_ And  _ the next. 

“What about this one? The salesman said it’s great on gas.” You said optimistically. 

“They’re  _ paid _ to tell you that. It’s their job to convince you to buy something that’s not going to last.” He said, you sighed.

And finally the last. 

“I like this one,” finally it was Hotch giving his opinion first and it was a  _ positive  _ one.

His seal of approval was enough for you to sign the papers and drive it home that night. A new car of your own, it felt good. Your car at home was used, but you didn’t mind. As much as you hated driving, it was nice to have a place of your own. 

“Hotch, I can’t thank you enough,” You smiled up to him, “Who would’ve thought you would have been so opinionated on a car,” You laughed, pushing his shoulder playfully. 

“My bad that I want you to be in something safe and not a piece of garbage,” He laughed.

“Well... thank you.” You smiled again, you couldn’t help but feel the defeat that the day was over. You were about to ask him to grab a drink or something before his phone rang.

“It’s Jack,” He said, lifting the phone, “He probably wants to be picked up.”

“Ah, okay,” You nodded, “Well I’ll let you go, thank you again.”

“No thanks needed, Y/N,” He smiled, turning to walk towards his car, “I’m glad you’re back to yourself.”

“Me too,” You smiled, waving goodbye as he answered the phone and got into his own car. 

You drove your car home, happy with everything inside. You were glad you would have a ride to your doctor’s appointment on Monday, you were hoping you were cleared for work.

Arriving home, you looked down at your phone and decided to shoot Hotch a text, thanking him again. 

**_You [3:43PM]: Thanks again, Hotch. I had a nice day._ **

It took little to no time to receive a text back from him. 

**_Aaron Hotchner [3:45PM]: Stop thanking me. I wanted to._ **

**_Aaron Hotchner [3:46PM]: I had a nice day with you, too. Hope to see you back Monday if things go well._ **

You smiled at your phone before sending one last text.

**_You [3:50PM]: Cannot wait to be back._ **

You put your phone on the counter assuming the conversation was over, but when you went to the fridge to grab water, you heard your phone ding one last time. 

**_Aaron Hotchner[3:53PM]: Can’t wait to have you back._ **

You bit your lip holding back the stupid smile that threatened to appear. You couldn't help but feel…. _ something _ . You couldn’t identify  _ what _ it was but you felt something.

But he was your boss. He was your superior. He has a son. His wife died. He is almost twice your age. 

You sighed, putting the phone down, deciding against replying. You didn’t need to embarrass yourself. 

  
  
  


Come Monday, you were practically  _ skipping _ out of the doctor’s office, your paperwork to return to work “whenever you felt” in your hand. Little did the doctor know, you unlike most, felt like going back to work the moment you woke up from being shot. Well, maybe not the  _ moment _ you woke up, but soon after. 

You drove to Quantico with a smile on your face. You couldn’t wait to be back. You couldn’t wait to see the team, to thank them for their kind gestures over the last few weeks inperson. You also couldn’t wait to see Hotch. 

  
  


“Y/N!” 

Emily jumped out of her chair when you walked through the doors to the bullpen of the BAU. Wrapping you tightly in a hug, she asked, “Are you back?”

“Got cleared less than an hour ago,” You laughed as she pulled away.

“Of course you came straight here,” Morgan said behind her, “C’mere, kid,” He embraced you in a hug.

JJ and Reid joined, but you figured it would be best to go give Hotch your paperwork before you got too deep into conversation.

You knocked carefully before hearing, “Come in.”

“Oh, Y/N,” He perked up with a smile. 

“Hi,” You smiled ear-to-ear, walking into his office, “Here is my paperwork to come back.”

He took them and started looking through them, signing off where he needed to.

“Were you bombarded when you walked in,” He smirked. 

“Oohh yeah,” You laughed, “Boy did I miss this dysfunctional place.” 

He raised an eyebrow, “Dysfunctional?”

You rolled your eyes playfully, “Hotch, we’re like the land of misfit toys here,” you both laughed. 

You sat down and began signing all of the paperwork you needed to come back from injury in the field. You couldn’t believe the number of things you had to sign.

“Formalities,” Hotch sighed, taking what you signed back. 

A knock at the door had both of your heads up, it was Garcia. 

“Y/N,” She practically squealed, “I’m so happy you’re back, sunshine!”

“I’m happy to be back,” you smiled. 

“Bossman, we have a case,” Penelope announced, “We’re off to Los Angeles, we have two college students dead, and one missing.”

“We’ll brief on the plane,” Hotch said standing, “Y/N, are you ready?”

Los Angeles. Where you lived most of the time with your Ex when you weren’t home in Boston or he wasn’t home in Arizona. He went to college there and you lived with him during that period. You shivered thinking about it. You haven’t been there since he left you at the airport. Thoughts of marriage in your head. That’s what he did, he’d talk you up high before he let you down hard. 

“Y/N?”

Hotch interrupted your thoughts, “Oh, yeah, of course!”

“Wheels up in twenty.” 

  
  


You briefed on the plane, it felt good to be back, but what a test of fate it was that  _ this _ is where your first case back is. The students were from colleges in Los Angeles; USC and UCLA. You shuttered again. UCLA, where you spent more of your time than your university. 

You felt so small suddenly. Sometimes you would think of him and think of how he made you feel. You couldn’t help but feel like a small, scared puppy. 

Everyone split after briefing into their usual routines on the flight. Hotch joined you, taking his seat straight across from you. 

“I thought you were excited to be back,” He questioned you. 

“I am,” You said, “I just...it’s nothing.” You gave him a convincing smile. 

“I don’t believe a word you’re saying, but okay.” He gave you a sad smile. You almost gave in right then and there, you felt like you could tell him anything in the world and he would still look at you like you were  _ you.ˆ _

“Maybe later?” 

“Later.” 

  
  


  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A\N: Let me know what you all think! Will Y/N confide in Hotch or will she bottle it all up?
> 
> Would love to hear from you guys, you have no idea how much it means to me seeing your comments!! I love talking with you all <3
> 
> Until next time!


	10. Chapter Ten: But I'm desperate to connect, and you can't live like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I am here with another chapter. This chapter was one of the absolute most challenging for me to write. In a few comments I mentioned, the relationship Y/N has with her Ex is loosely based on a relationship I was in for many years. I have healed in some ways, and in many ways, I have not. I find writing about it very therapeutic and challenging at times, so please be gentle in the comments! < 3 
> 
> **Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Abuse, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of Suicide** 

The team hit the ground running when you arrived in LA. You were almost relieved; you didn’t have time to stress or worry about how triggering the whole thing was. Another body found while you were in the air. There was no time to hesitate. 

“They found the woman in her apartment like the others,” Emily stated, “Who noted her missing?”

“Her mother was visiting for parent weekend, and she wasn’t there,” Hotch said. 

“And the others,” You asked.

“The other missing students were found dead in their own apartments as well,” Hotch continued, “Either family or roommates reported them missing.”

Wheels were turning around in your head—both males and females, two different universities, and visually as an outsider no similarities. 

“Emily, I want you and Derek to go talk with the families and the roommates,” Hotch said, “Maybe you two can pick up on something we’re missing connecting them.” Hotch turned to Reid and JJ, “I want you two to go to both universities, see what you can get from that.” He turned to pick up his files, “Y/N, Dave, and I are going to the crime scene and see what we can get from that.”

In the car, you looked out the window admiring the Los Angeles skyline; you remember when you first visited here when you were just seventeen to see your ex. You had so much potential in your lungs with every breath. You were ambitious and wholesome. You looked at that skyline and thought of the world of opportunity out there. You figured if somebody could love you, you could accomplish anything.

You were taken out of your thoughts by Hotch shutting the car off. You hopped out of the SUV, and when you looked up at the building, you felt a hit to the gut. 

_ Of all places _ , you thought. 

You tried to move your legs, but they wouldn’t move. You were frozen. 

The apartment you lived in with your ex-boyfriend. The apartment where he tried to kill himself when you said you wanted to end things. Where he locked you out of and left you in your pajamas out in the streets for hours, and where he would leave you for hours on end, days sometimes, while he went out and lived his dreams. You sat in that apartment  _ waiting _ for him, wondering when he’d come home. 

“Kid, you coming,” Rossi asked, snapping you out of your paralysis. You swallowed, nodding, then followed him and Hotch inside. 

Hotch read the file from Garcia before tapping the elevator button. The three of you walked in. 

Mirrors held on the ceiling. You looked up at your reflection. You used to look up and think how pathetic you looked. Now you couldn’t help but look and not recognize the face looking back at you. 

When you arrived on the sixth floor, the three of you walked to the apartment. You couldn’t  _ believe  _ it. It couldn’t be. Was this a sick trick? Was this life laughing at your misfortune?

The same apartment. 

You knew he didn’t even live in this state anymore; he moved back home to Arizona. That was the last you heard. The thought of returning to a place where most of your abuse happened sent a shiver down your spine. 

Hotch led, walking through the front door. Rossi, then you followed. 

Stepping inside, the sight of a bloodied body on the floor was the least frightening thing you witnessed. What was more startling was the way the apartment looked—almost the same. 

University apartments supplied furniture for each unit; it was practically identical from when you left it last. You swallowed. 

The walls were still stark white. The floor, you could feel even with your shoes on. 

You began to tremble as you walked into the bedroom with Hotch, assessing the scene. 

The same wall your ex-boyfriend threw you against so hard one night, you swore you had a concussion. The bed was in the same place, where you would lay alone at night after he told you every reason why he didn’t want to have sex with you. Or when he did have sex with you, it was rough, not in a pleasurable way. You only ever did what  _ he  _ wanted. What pleased  _ him, _ You couldn’t think back to one time in the two years you were together that you finished during sex. 

Your breathing hitched when you reached the bathroom. The same bathroom where you would lean over the sink, panicking—or holding your head between your legs on the seat of the toilet because he touched you rough enough to give you a nose bleed that bled through your favorite shirt and sent you to the ER. 

You bit your bottom lip, trying to avoid the tears. You muted out whatever Hotch and Rossi were saying. You took a deep breath, trying to collect yourself, but it didn’t work. 

“I’m...I’m, uh, gonna get some air,” You said, your voice trembling with every syllable. You didn’t even wait to hear a response before you darted out and down the stairs of the apartment building. Your legs began to fail you by the bottom of the six flights. You pushed through the front door, catching your weight on a sidewalk bench.

You gasped two big breaths before you hurled into the shrub behind you. Your legs then failing you, you fell to your knees. Your body shook harder than it ever had. It was all too much. You could feel your still fresh wound ache as your body wavered. 

Breathing steadily was a task you couldn’t do. Your chest constricted, and your lungs burned for air. The tears flowed, a stream wetting your cheeks. 

You stayed like that for god knows how long. You were shaking and trembling until your body felt like it would give out. You finally got the courage to stand and sat on the park bench, trying desperately now to catch your breath. 

Your breathing was so labored; you didn’t even hear the footstep approaching you. You only noticed someone’s presence when they sat near beside you. You looked up, and it was Hotch. You couldn’t say anything from your breathlessness. 

The look on his face was nothing but concern. He didn’t have to say anything for you to know he knew. You reached for his hand, hoping the stability of him would calm you down. 

He laced his fingers with yours; his much larger hand engulfed yours in a comforting way. He held onto you tightly as you calmed yourself down. 

He had never seen you like this. He knew something prompted this reaction; he wishes he knew what it was to make it all go away. He would do anything to make it go away and not see you like this. 

Your breathing leveled, Hotch’s hand never leaving your own. You looked up to him with vulnerable eyes. Your eyes looked like they were asking something, but he couldn’t figure out what. He looked back to you with tenderness. You broke the gaze, too exhausted for words. 

You let out a shaky breath, and he squeezed your hand. You could feel ever callous against your small hand. You leaned your head against his shoulder; it felt like the perfect fit with your height difference. 

The two of you sat like that for moments, minutes, maybe even more. Hotch didn’t ask anything; he was just  _ Hotch. _

That was the thing about Aaron Hotchner; he didn’t pry. He listened. He didn’t judge. When you talked to him about an unassociated problem with work, he responded as your friend,  _ not _ your boss. 

You must have been there long enough that the street lights began to turn on. You didn’t even realize Rossi had taken the SUV to the next college apartment complex, and the scene had cleared. 

You lifted your head and unlaced your fingers with his. Exhaling, you brought your attention back to him. 

“I’m sorry,” Your voice hoarse and soft.

“Don’t apologize,” He offered you a small smile, “Do you want to talk about it?”

You looked away again, taking a deep breath before you began your story. You felt this was the least you could do to explain yourself. 

“The apartment,” You began, “I used to live here. I used to live in that exact unit.”

It clicked in Hotch’s head then. He remembered the conversations about your ex. The day you were in the interrogation room and bared yourself to the woman, you interrogated how he accused you of lying, how he felt horrible afterward.

Hotch didn’t respond, letting you continue to speak. 

“My ex-boyfriend, Matt. His name was Matt,” Your voice trembled as you said his name, “We lived here while he went to UCLA. I was seventeen at the time.” 

“Is he the one-”

“Yes.”

_ The one who hurt you? The one who took advantage of your kindness? The one who took away the last of your innocence? The one who gaslit you every moment of every day?  _

_ Yeah. Him. _

“Y/N,” Hotch’s voice sympathetic, he reached for your hand again. At that moment, if you hadn’t already cried what you had left in you, you would have let tears fall again. 

“The things he did to me,” You shook your head, looking up to the sky that turned several shades of pink as the sunset. Los Angeles sunsets were something else. “Walking in that apartment, it hit me like a bus.” 

“I can’t even imagine,” His voice gentle, allowing you to continue. 

“A part of me broke up there,” You looked down at your intertwined hands, “I’m not sure if I can ever repair it. I just wanted to be loved,” You let out a pathetic laugh at yourself, “I walked on eggshells for two years, cut everyone out of my life, including my family, because I didn’t believe their warning signs.”

Hotch stayed silent, looking at you; it pained him incredibly to see and hear this about you. You were one of the kindest, gentlest souls he had ever met. You were special. You were special  _ to him. _

“When I finally wanted to leave, after I was hit one too many times. After one too many names called. After I finally realized everyone was right,” You pinched the bridge of your nose with your free hand, “He tried to kill himself when I was in the other room before the words even left my mouth. He knew he was a master at reading me like a book.” 

“So, you stayed?” 

“Yeah,” You sighed, lifting your head, “We were together for another six months; he managed to let me believe his apologies enough to want to stay. It wasn’t until he finally opened up to the idea of marriage, the idea of even considering it. I wanted to be validated with that  _ so _ badly. I wanted to be enough. When he finally let me believe I was, he ended things  _ badly. _ ” You rolled your eyes at your past self, “I should have run as far away as I could when I first met him.”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” Hotch said, his words genuine, “I mean this when I say this,” You looked to him, “You are one of the strongest people I have met; nobody deserves to be treated that way... _ especially  _ not you.” 

“Thank you,” You said, removing your hand from his to wrap your arms around him while you both sat there. He reciprocated the embrace, holding you against him. Your face found the crook of his neck. You took in a deep breath against him, “Hotch?”

“Yeah,” He said, still holding onto you. 

“You’re one of the only good men I have ever met,” You smiled against him. You leaned your head back to look at him, “You’re a rare breed, Hotchner.” 

He let out a small laugh, arms still tangled around yours, your faces far apart enough to see each other now, “I could say the same thing about you, Y/N.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I figured after a heavy chapter, soft Hotch was needed. The chapter title is from Gotye’s song, Hearts a Mess. 
> 
> What did you guys think? I love all of your feedback; it is encouraging and helpful while also motivating me to write! 


	11. Chapter Eleven: Tonight we'll fly awhile, just give me the word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was too excited to share this chapter with you all after the last chapter’s pain, so here is chapter eleven! 
> 
> I also wanted to THANK YOU for 1k views on Wattpad, 1k hits on Ao3, and too many notes to count on Tumblr! Your support and feedback are so kind and uplifting. You all have encouraged me to write, which was a passion of mine for so long, so thank you.
> 
> I have been uploading some more CM edits on my Tiktok if you don’t follow already! I am under sss.ki99 

The rest of the case went by seemingly fast. Your moment with Hotch helped you recollect your thoughts, and you were able to focus solely on the case. Hotch spoke no word about what went down; nobody noted it, except Rossi, who made a note to Hotch that he’d never seen you like that before. You were ever the pillar of strength and positivity; he knew something had to be up. 

When you all returned to the jet, you sat in your usual spot, Hotch across from you. You reached into your bag, deciding you should study for your upcoming exam. For the first time, you were grateful that midterm studying was a distraction. 

“Studying,” Hotch asked.

You looked up from your notes and nodded, “Pretty good distraction from what’s running in my head.” 

Hotch saw what he believed to be your thesis sitting next to your pile of notes, “May I?”

You nodded, “It’s just a rough draft.”

He picked up the paper, “Isn’t it a little early for your thesis to be done?”

You shrugged, “I wanted a head start; who knows what cases will look like here in the spring.” 

“I don’t know how you do it, Y/L/N.”   
  


“Somedays,” You laughed, “I don’t either.”

  
  


The next weeks passed quickly. You were feeling more and more like yourself. Your injury was now completely healed, your mental health on that hand? Not great, but you were not sure how you would be doing if it were not for work and your exams - which you aced, by the way. 

After a long case, you spent the night chained to your desk, knee-deep in paperwork. The day had been so busy; you had almost forgotten the date. Today was your twenty-fourth birthday.

Birthday’s use to be your favorite thing. You always felt magical on your birthday, like there were endless possibilities. Anything could happen if you just made a wish. Sadly, given this job, you thought it was wrong to be celebrating while so many struggled. Knowing this ahead of time, you baked double-chocolate cupcakes and brought them into Garcia,  _ bribing _ her to keep your birthday under wraps. 

She sighed, wishing there was something she could do to make you feel special; you just reassured her, telling her you already felt special.

The night had arrived, and you were the last person in the office, apart from Hotch, who was always late. Working at your desk, you sifted through all of your paperwork. You felt a little frazzled but were glad to have at least  _ something _ to do. 

You threw your hair back into a loose twist with your clip as you leaned over your paperwork. You chewed on the end of your pen as you looked through the files displayed across your desk. 

“Y/N Y/L/N?”

You jumped, turning to see a man in a uniform holding a vase of sunflowers. 

“Ah, yeah, that’s me.”

“Special delivery,” He smiled, “Could you just sign here,” he handed you a slip, which you signed quickly.

He handed you the vase, and you smiled, looking at the bright floral arrangement. Sunflowers were your favorite flowers of all time. Only a few people knew that. You bit your lip, trying to hold back the stupid grin on your face as you looked at the note. 

**_Happy Birthday, Aunt Y/N._ **

**_Love, Patrick._ **

You smiled bigger; your sister always sent you flowers on your birthday. You thought it was the sweetest thing that she signed it from your nephew. 

Hotch heard some commotion in the bullpen; standing up, he looked out the window of his office. He found you standing there with your hair pulled back, exposing your neck. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen you without your hair down around your face. You turned, your back now facing him. He couldn’t help but notice the tiny tattoo behind your ear. He wouldn’t have seen it if he wasn’t paying such close attention.

You turned again, Hotch’s eyes catching the sunflowers in your hands. You had an adorable grin on your face; he couldn’t help but feel how contagious it was. 

He knew today was your birthday, but he didn’t want to bring it up unless you did first, knowing how you were. He couldn’t blame you much; he hated his birthday. But something about the big smile on your face made him believe you didn’t so much  _ hate _ your birthday as you hated spending it alone. 

He decided to wrap up his paperwork, sliding it into his briefcase. He threw it over his shoulder as he walked out of his office, shutting the light and door behind him. 

He approached your desk; you looked up, a smile still plastered on your face, “Happy Birthday, Y/N.”

The smile disappeared, and you furrowed your brows in confusion, “How’d you-”

“If I remember correctly, I am the one who does most of the paperwork on the team,” He laughed, “But I also recently had to look for it during your injury while you were in the hospital.”

“Ah,” You nodded, looking back at the flowers on your desk. 

“Sunflowers,” He hummed, “Aren’t roses more the typical birthday flower?”

“I hate roses,” You scrunched your nose. He couldn’t help but laugh again. 

“Any birthday plans,” Hotch asked, curiosity filled his voice. 

“Oh, no,” You shook your head, “Just another day, ya know.”

Hotch nodded, watching you twist some of the leaves in the bouquet. 

“Humor me.” 

“Hm,” You looked back up at him, unsure what he meant.

“Humor me,” He repeated, “Let me take you out for a birthday drink.” 

“Hotch, you don’t have to.”

“I want to,” He offered a small smile, “Plus, you’re only twenty-four once.” 

You shot him a bashful smile while you contemplated whether or not you should take his offer. 

“C’mon,” He said, gesturing towards the exit of the bullpen. You sighed, throwing your head back, giving in. 

The two of you decided on a quaint bar while you walked out to the parking garage. Hotch insisted he drove, and you could just catch a ride from him in the morning to work. You gave in,  _ again _ . He just had that convincing effect on you. 

The car ride from Quantico to the bar was short but filled with conversation. Anything from the case to Hotch casually asking who sent you the flowers. He couldn’t hide the relief when you told him it was from your nephew. That got you two talking about your nephew and how he likes to video-chat with you on the weekends. It reminded Hotch of Jack at that age; he always loved getting videos from Haley while he was away on a case. He knew it was not the same, but still. 

The two of you sat side by side at the bar. You ordered a martini while he ordered a beer. The bar’s music was at a comfortable volume, loud enough to hear it but not too loud that you couldn’t listen to each other. 

“So,” You said, bringing the martini to your lips, “Humor me.” 

He laughed at you repeating his line from earlier, raising an eyebrow inviting you to shoot. 

“What was twenty-four year old Aaron Hotchner like?”

He laughed, taking a sip of his beer while he tried to think what happened, “Well, for starters, I had recently graduated from the academy. Newly married.” 

“God,” You groaned, taking another sip of your drink, “It seems like everyone has their life together by this age.”

“You have your life together more than most people I know, Y/N.”

“No, I mean, married. Families. You know, that stuff,” You shrugged.

“I’m probably the last person you should compare your life to,” He scoffed a laugh, “As I’m sure you’ve heard, given the rest of the team gossips more than I’d  _ like _ , Haley and I’s marriage was pretty rough after Jack was born and I became unit chief.”

“Gossip,” You let out a sarcastic gasp, “I don’t _ know _ what you mean?!” 

He laughed, rolling his eyes at you playfully, “What I’m trying to say is that with what we do, there  _ is _ no normal timeline or right way to go about things. Granted, look at how things ended for Haley,  _ not _ the best.” 

You weren’t sure if there was a standard timeline after your wife’s (ex-wife’s?) death to be making jokes or sarcasm.

“I suppose you’re right.”

Hotch and you had a comfortable conversation for the next drink (and a half, for you). You felt relaxed with him; you didn’t have to analyze every word before letting your mouth speak it. You felt the warm effects of the alcohol in your system; you were thoroughly enjoying your time. Despite Hotch only having two drinks, given he was the driver, he seemed to be as well. 

The two of you were in mid-conversation, something about the officer during your last case. The two of you caught onto his weird idiosyncrasies and couldn’t help but bring it up and laugh about it. You were mid laughter, poking fun at the man when Hotch’s phone began to ring.

“It’s Jack,” He lifted his phone, “He’s with his aunt tonight, just calling to say goodnight.” 

“Go right ahead; I’ll be good here if you want to step out.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, go, go!” 

Hotch stepped out of the bar to answer the phone. You sat there, bringing your martini glass to your lips. You were zoned out looking down at the grain of the wood in the bartop. 

You felt a firm hand on your shoulder; you were startled, looking over to see a guy with what he probably thought was a flirtatious smile on his face.

“How’re you doing tonight,” The guy asked, his words slurred a bit. If you were the bartender, you would’ve gotten ready to cut him off. He was about your age, but per usual, you felt like you were ages apart just by listening to him. 

“I’m fine,” You said politely, looking back down at your drink, hoping he’d get the picture.

_ He didn’t. _

“Can I at least buy you another drink, beautiful?”

You couldn’t help scrunching your face, “No, thank you.”

“C’mon, sweetheart, lemme buy you one.”

“ _ Seriously _ ,” Your tone sterner, and your eyes narrowed, “I’m good.” You turned back to your drink, your back more towards him now, if the picture  _ wasn’t  _ already clear. 

You felt him grip your shoulder and try to turn you back to him; your instincts quickly had you grabbing his arm backward in a way you  _ knew  _ that hurt, but no damage. At least not  _ yet _ . 

“ _ I said no,”  _ Your voice could cut. Part of you was panicking while the other part of you knew Hotch was right outside the door. He’d be back any second. You thought quick on your feet, “My boyfriend is _ right  _ outside of that door; I  _ suggest _ you save yourself the humiliation.” 

The guy looked at you dumbfounded, your grip still on his arm until he decided he was calling a loss. 

Hotch walked back in; seeing you gripping the man’s arm tightly, he walked quickly over to you. 

“Everything alright,” Hotch asked, his eyes focused on the man who you had your grip tightly around. He picked up on the situation by the look on your face. 

“He was just leaving,” Your voice stone cold as you let go of his arm. Red spreading across the guy’s face, he put his drink on the bartop and exited the bar. 

You watched him leave and didn’t take your eyes off of the door. Hotch gently put his hand on your arm. Your gaze turned back to his. His was soft and warm. 

“What happened,” He asked, still standing next to you, his hand still atop of your arm. 

“He wouldn’t leave me alone,” You rolled your eyes, “He asked me if I wanted a drink. I said no. When I turned around to let him, you know, get the picture, he put his hands on me, and I was  _ not _ having that,” You scoffed, “I lied and said my boyfriend, who was an FBI agent, was right outside and he was scared shitless between that and the grip I had on his arm.” 

  
  


Hotch couldn’t tell if he was more impressed by your handling of yourself or gripped by your lie. He shot you a smile, squeezing your arm. Opening his wallet, he left cash on the bartop.

“Let’s get out of here,” He said; you raised an eyebrow at him. He knew this was so far from professional, but it was harmless...right? 

“Where,” You laughed, stepping off of the barstool. 

“I have a whole bar cart of liquor,” He looked to his watch, “And it’s still your birthday; I suggest we at least  _ try  _ to celebrate it without you having to fend boys off by twisting their arms.” 

You let out a loud laugh that surprised you, “Alright,” You agreed. 

Once in the car, you looked to him driving, “After Matt, my ex, I spent a lot of time in the gym,” You said, “I didn’t want to allow another person to put their hands on me that way again without me being able to defend myself fully.” 

Hotch shot you a sympathetic look before returning his eyes to the road, “I saw the grip you had on him,” He raised an eyebrow, “I wouldn’t even  _ try _ to cross you.” 

You laughed at his joke, “Hotch, you are probably the only man out there that I don’t question or worry about being around.” 

Hotch didn’t reply; he just nodded as he continued to the house. 

There was a silence that filled the air, comfortable as always. Hotch began to think about his actions; he hoped you knew they were genuine; he was trying to celebrate you tonight. Nobody should spend their birthday alone, nevermind someone like you, someone as  _ remarkable _ as you. 

He didn’t know when, whether it was the first night you opened up to him or any of the times you let him in after, but the two of you formed this bond—drawn to you from the beginning, Hotch felt like you were a puzzle he needed to solve. Beginning to learn your pieces, the connection formed. 

You considered Hotch a friend, also someone you trusted with more than just your physical life in the field, but your _ emotional _ life too. You felt safe in his presence, which said a lot. There wasn’t a person with who you felt that way in your life. Anyone else you were always on your toes or looking over your shoulder, attempting to control uncontrollable situations. 

So Hotch asking you over his house; you knew he didn’t have any ulterior motives. You knew he was a genuine man to who you could say almost anything, and he wouldn’t run. 

It felt nice allowing someone to celebrate you on this special day. It brought the magic back into it that you hadn’t felt in a long time. 

Arriving at Hotch’s house, you took in your surroundings. Hotch had decorated his place excellent for a guy, but you weren’t surprised given the way he presented himself. You allowed him to take your coat, and you made yourself comfortable sitting on the  _ very  _ comfortable and probably expensive couch. Around Hotch had framed pictures of Jack and him. 

You smiled at an incredibly goofy one as he walked into the other room to fix you both a drink.

He returned and handing you your glass before sitting next to you.

“Cheers,” he said, holding his glass up, “To the birthday girl.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: What did you guys think? We are finally getting somewhere with these two!! Let me hear your comments below, and my fellow writer friends, if any of you don’t mind spoilers, I would love to privately ask your opinions on some ideas I have for the direction of the remainder of the story. 
> 
> Chapter Song: Baby, that’s not all by Josh Ritter
> 
> As always, feedback is everything!  
> 
> 
> Until next time! 


	12. Chapter Twelve: Endless distraction, you worry me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies < 3 
> 
> Here is another chapter!! I wanted to thank you all for all of the wonderful support! The comments mean the world to me!
> 
> If you haven’t already, connect with me on TikTok, (ssa.ki99) and Tumblr (thesmileykiley). 
> 
> Enjoy!!!

  
  


“Hotch, you’re so serious,” You laughed, bringing your second, maybe a third drink to your lips. The two of you were comfortably sitting on his couch, enjoying each other’s company. 

“Me? Serious,” he scoffed sarcastically, “Never heard that one before.”

You playfully rolled your eyes at him, “Have you always been like that,” You asked, looking over the glass that was at your lips.

You usually didn’t pry into Hotch’s personal life; knowing the whole dead wife thing, you felt it wasn’t your business. The drinks in you inhibited your filter, though. 

“Um,” He took a moment to think, remembering one of the last things Haley said to him, telling him Jack needed to know he wasn’t always so serious, “Yes and no,” He shrugged.

You nodded, waiting to see if he opened the conversation up more, which he did.

“The age difference between my brother and I,” He sighed, “I had to take care of him from a young age. My father was a drunk, never afraid to use his belt on either of us, nevermind what he did to my mother. It broke her, seeing him like that. He failed her miserably. Nevermind his children, but my mother? She was never the same after he started drinking. I practically begged to go to boarding school, just to get out of that house.”

You looked at him sympathetically; in some ways, he knew the same pain you knew. Someone you both trusted took advantage of that innocence and trust. 

“Moving out was the best thing that happened to me,” He continued, “He died when I was in college; I hate saying I felt some relief, but then there was always my brother I had to look out for, not like my mother would.”

You just listened as he spoke, you knew you could add your own story and make him feel less alone, but you also didn’t want to diminish his pain. Sometimes people just want to be heard. 

You knew you could understand the responsibility of taking a sibling under your wings. You tried for years to get her to apply herself. You wanted the best for her. Not that you weren’t happy for her and her choices, because that’s what they were, her choices. You just wished she didn’t have to struggle the way you watched your parents for the past twenty-four years. 

“Are you and your brother close?”

“God, no,” He scoffed, taking another sip of his drink, “He dropped out of school; all I wanted him to do was be able to support himself. He was bartending, but the last time I saw him, he was being taken out in a police car.” 

“Jeez, I’m sorry,” You said; you didn’t know what else to say. 

“Are you close to your sister, right,” He questioned, making sure he remembered correctly? 

“Yes and no,” You shrugged, “Growing up, we were best friends, even as teenagers, but when she met her husband, that’s where all of her time went. Any hope of going to college and having a career went out the window then,” You sighed, “Then when I met Matt, she was the first to try and talk me out of being with him, I think not trusting her instincts and then coming home with unexplained bruises with lies, really rifted us.”

“It seems we have a lot more in common than we thought, huh,” He asked, raising an eyebrow 

at you. 

“Seems to me,” You hummed in content, “It’s nice to hear someone who gets it.” 

The night wrapped up smoothly, both of you feeling very content in each other’s company. 

“You’re welcome to stay in the guest room here,” Hotch offered, gesturing down the hall.

“It’s alright,” You smiled, “I don’t have my go-bag since  _ you _ insisted on driving,” You teased.

“Alright,” He laughed, “I’ll call you a cab.”

You finished your drink and waited for him to return. The two of you filled the room with conversation before the cab finally arrived. 

“Thank you for tonight,” You smiled up to him as you both stood in the doorway, letting the driver know you were coming. 

“You’re welcome,” He returned the smile, “Happy Birthday, Y/N.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” You said, “Hopefully, bossman doesn’t show up with  _ too  _ bad of a hangover.” 

He laughed, rolling his eyes, “Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Hotch. Sleep well.” 

  
  


The next few weeks were much of the same, case after case. The few times where cases were more challenging than others, you and Hotch would meet for a drink. Sometimes the team would join, but other times it would just be you and Hotch venting to each other about god knows what. 

Having someone who  _ got it _ , who you could speak freely to without fear of invalidation, was pleasant for both of you. 

You both had known loss different than any other person on the team. You both had felt pain more physically and emotionally than any other person on the team. You both dealt with things similarly, in a way where you didn’t want to burden the world with your baggage.

It was an incredibly long Friday; it felt like the day filled with paperwork dragged on more than anything. You walked into the kitchen area where Emily and Derek were, each with a cup of coffee in hand. You knew you all would be here hours longer, so you took it upon yourself to grab yourself a cup of shitty government-issued coffee.

After pouring it, you decided to take a seat next to them. 

“Any big Friday night plans, sweet thang,” Derek said playfully. You laughed, rolling your eyes. 

“Um, I dunno,” You took a sip of your bitter coffee, “Hotch mentioned, maybe grabbing a drink later. Then studying for final exams this weekend.”

Both Emily and Derek looked at you like they knew something you didn’t. You weren’t picking up on what their stares meant. 

“What?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Emily laughed, “Remember my first two years here, Derek,” Emily asked, you frowned confused. 

“Hotch wanted her reassigned from the moment she walked into his office,” Derek stifled a laugh, “He argued with me on every decision I made for my first  _ three _ years here. Hell, he still questions my loyalties.”

“I don’t get what you guys are saying,” You shook your head, trying to pick up on what that had to do with your weekend plans.

“Hotch doesn’t just warm up to  _ anyone _ ,” Emily said, “I think I’ve seen him give you shit once, and even then he admitted he was wrong and walked around like a kicked puppy for the next day.”

You raised your eyebrows, “I dunno, maybe it’s cause I’m the youngest.”

  
“What about you being the youngest,” Spencer walked in, overhearing the last part of your sentence. 

“Kid doesn’t realize Hotch has a soft spot for her,” Derek smiled at you while speaking to Spencer. 

“And I said it’s probably cause I am the youngest,” You shrugged, looking up to Spencer. 

Spencer frowned, “Well, when I started, I was the same age as you. Hotch made me on my toes trying to earn his respect,” Spencer leaned against the chair across from you, “There was even this time when I first started, we both were held hostage by the unsub, he had to kind of fake this rapport with the unsub, he was completely tearing me apart. At first, I thought he was serious. It wasn’t until he was kicking me repeatedly and for me to catch onto his plan that I eventually earned it.”

You tried to soak in Spencer’s words; there wasn’t much you  _ did _ to earn that with Hotch. On your first day, you were strictly business; it wasn’t until recently you opened up. Maybe it was the mutual respect of each other’s pasts? Or perhaps it was the way you could always turn “life off” and get the job done. 

“Just admit it, Y/N, Hotchner’s got a soft spot for you,” Emily chimed in, “It’s not the worst thing in the world; I think everyone here could say they are a little envious of you.” You blushed a little.

  
“Well, I have to agree with most of that, but c’mon who  _ wouldn’t _ have a soft spot for someone who looked like this,” Derek gestured to you up and down. 

You rolled your eyes. In your head, you felt like nothing special. 

Before you could say anything back,  _ speak of the devil,  _ Hotch stepped in, “We’ve got a case, wheels up in twenty. We’ll brief on the plane.”

“So much for that bottle of wine calling my name,” Emily groaned; you watched them all exit as you sat there sipping the remainder of your now cold coffee. You tried to interpret the words they spoke to you about you and Hotch. What the two of you had was different from his relationships with any other team member, but then again, you might’ve been the only person on the team who understood how he operated because you did the same. 

  
  


You didn’t think much about it until there were those small moments between you and him, whether it was on the jet or arriving at the station. It really made you wonder what it was you did that got you in his good graces considering nobody else received the same side of Hotch you did.

  
  
  
  


The case was draining already; the team was out to find a woman, Amelia Decay, who took out women in affairs. You all had a solid lead on where her whereabouts were. Her father had a warehouse he used for business, it was empty, but all leads led to her staying there. 

“We’re going in on three,” Hotch said quietly to you and Derek. You both nodded and followed his lead, “Y/N, you go left, Derek, you go right, I’ll go upstairs.”

Derek kicked the door down, “FBI, Amelia Decay, put your hands up,” You shouted, walking in towards the left. You briefly made eye contact with her for one moment before she sprinted towards the back of the warehouse. 

“She’s making a run for it,” You said into your earpiece, cursing under your breath. 

“Shit,” You said, sprinting as fast as you could, catching up to her; you put your weapon back in its holster, you were able to grab onto her by her hoodie, yanking her back. You didn’t even realize how far ahead of Hotch and Morgan you were now.

She retaliated with an elbow to your chest, which you quickly followed with a kick to the ribs. She used all of her force and knocked you to the ground. Using your for, you tripped her to her knees; you tried getting up, but she pulled you back down, reaching for your gun.

Despite your defenses, she got her hands on it, you were able to physically haul into her and nail her to the cemented wall. The gun dropped; you kicked it to the side. She fought by shoving her elbow and jabbing her way out of your restraint. You backed off, feeling your strength wearing out.

You could taste the metallic taste of blood in your mouth as well as the warm sting above your eyebrow. You hit her back again; your breathing intensified as you saw her get up quickly and lunge towards you. She pushed you against the other wall, her hands tight around your throat; you tried to wiggle your way out of her grasp but failed. 

Both of her hands were squeezing the breath out of your throat. You immediately, out of instinct, dropped your elbow against the middle of her arm, weakening her grip so you could escape the choke. 

She fell but looked up to you, smiling with a maniacal grin. As she began to get up from the ground, you quickly swung your leg, kicking the side of her head, knocking her out. 

You took a deep breath, walking over to the cold, cement wall and sliding down it. 

You lifted your mic to your mouth, “We need a medic,” You were still panting; you knew she was  _ out _ ; she wouldn’t be moving out of this warehouse without a gurney. Your training and your defense lessons worked to your advances today. After Matt, you never wanted to fear for your life again; you wanted to be able to fight for yourself. 

“Y/N,” You looked up, and it was Hotch, walking towards you and not Amelia, who laid possibly cold on the ground. He knelt down beside you, putting his gun back in its holster. 

“I’m okay,” You gasped for air, answering the question you knew he would ask, “Really. I’m okay.”

“We need to get you checked out,” He said, standing back up, offering you a hand up. You accepted, feeling him pull you off the floor. Exhaustion and pain filling your body. You knew you felt pain differently than others due to your illness, but right at this moment, you were so over-sensitized you weren’t sure what was from what. You knew you’d feel it later. 

Hotch walked you out to the ambulance, where the EMT’s began swarming you. 

“What happened here,” The woman said, reaching for your neck that had hand-shaped bruises around; she gestured for you to sit on the back lip of the ambulance. 

“You know, just an average day almost getting choked out by a sociopath,” You said sarcastically, looking up at Hotch, hoping to get a smile out of him. You got nothing but a frown in return. 

“She must’ve had her hands pretty tightly around you; how were you able to break out of that,” The woman said, placing some ice against your throat. 

“Self-defense, I guess,” You sighed, your eyes still connected with Hotch’s, who hadn’t lifted his frown. “She got ahold of my gun; I kicked it to the side,” You said to Hotch. 

“Morgan’s got it,” He said shortly.

“We’re gonna have to stitch this one here,” The woman patted the blood off of your forehead, “It will be liquid stitches, so no scarring, hopefully.

Your gaze with Hotch didn’t break. His face was still downward; you were unsure if it was a disappointment, anger, or what. 

“How you holding up, kid,” Morgan walked up to the ambulance where you sat on the edge. 

“I feel thoroughly beaten,” You scoffed a laugh, “I’ll live.”

“By her injuries, you put up one  _ hell _ of a fight,” Morgan said, his voice filled with pride, “Who would’ve thought the five-foot-tall agent would beat unsubs up with her bare hands better than the two of us combined,” he elbowed Hotch, getting no response from him, as Hotch was still staring at you as the EMT worked on you. Morgan shrugged, confused by Hotch as well, and walked away.

  
  


Hotch didn’t say anything to you the whole way to the jet. You sat, reached into your bag, and took one of your as-needed pain medications as a precautionary. Sighing, you looked out the window. 

Hotch wasn’t sitting in his usual seat across from you, instead alone with files spread out across the table at the back of the jet. 

Deciding enough was enough, you got up from your seat and sat across from him, staring at him until he lifted his head up, giving you a ‘ _ what?’ _ look.

“What’s your problem?”

Your voice was even, not angry, but not your usual positive self. 

He didn’t respond, just looked back down at his paperwork, unsure what to say. Or  _ how _ to say it. 

“ _ Answer  _ me,” You demanded; you swore you saw his eyes darken as he looked up. 

His lips narrowed, “ _ Not now,”  _ he hissed at you. 

You shook your head, standing up to walk back to your seat. “ _ Unbelievable _ ,” you cursed under your breath.

Hotch spoke nothing to you the rest of the night, even back at the BAU. If he wanted to act like a child, the ball was in his court to explain himself, so be it. 

You packed up your things, not even saying your usual goodbye to him. He watched as you left with disappointment written all over your face. He sighed, placing his face in his hand. 

Something about today provoked something in him he wasn’t sure how to describe why. He was proud of you, how you handled yourself. He wasn’t surprised, he’s seen the way you shoot a gun and deal with unsubs, but that level of self-defense was something he was impressed with. There was something else though, he felt fear shoot through his veins. Anger that he put you in that situation. He tried to rationalize, it could have been any of them. But it was  _ you. _ And something about you being at the hands of someone that dangerous didn’t sit well with him. 

Normally he would continue to rationalize; he would tell himself a million reasons why he would feel that way.

But protective? He couldn’t deny what he was feeling anymore.

To him, you were more than just a member of the team. To him, you were different. You were special to him—the thread that pulled him to you from the beginning and the undeniable bond you two shared. 

He lifted his head and let out a deep sigh,  _ “Christ.” _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: what did you all think? I have some tricks up my sleeve for the next few chapters ;) 
> 
> Comments are everything, so please share your thoughts! <3
> 
> Until the next chapter...


	13. Chapter Thirteen: The shadows of your heart are hanging in the sweet, sweet air

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii! So this chapter, I have been dying to write. I am actually a little nervous about sharing because I have hyped this one up in my head for so long.
> 
> Please let me know what you all think! 

Weeks passed, and what happened between Hotch and you were not brought up again. The two of you worked similarly to when you first started working with the BAU, strictly business. 

A deep part of you missed the friendship the two of you had grown. The part of you that you couldn’t dive deep enough to analyze craved that time back. 

Luckily your last finals consumed most of your time not chasing violent criminals. Graduation was quickly approaching, and you  _ knew _ the team wanted to go, despite your protests. Given you had an unlimited amount of tickets you could get your hands on, you got enough for the team.

You were grateful your parents were flying in, you wished your sister could, but you understood being a parent was a huge responsibility. 

The whole team, aside from Hotch, was in the bullpen chatting about who knows what. You sighed, putting your bag on your desk, holding the tickets in your other hand. 

“Alright, guys,” You announced, walking over to where they were chatting, “I have something for you all. I don’t like it, but I know how much you all will.”

You flashed them the tickets, and all of their faces lit up.

“For your graduation,” Emily asked with excitement, her eyebrows pulled up.

“Yep,” You nodded, handing her one, “It’s this Saturday; I totally understand if you already have plans or god forbid we have a case; I have already had my day cleared so long ago, _ please _ don’t worry about it.” 

“Y/N, are you kidding,” Penelope squealed enthusiastically, “We  _ would _ not miss this.”

“We’ll be there,” Derek promised, “There’s always going to be a case, work, or something going on, but there will only be one day with you graduating with your master’s, kid.”

You smiled as Spencer began, “Maybe only one master’s, but you still have some catching up to do when it comes to doctorates.” You elbowed him playfully, handing him his ticket. “Thank you,” He smiled back. 

  
  


“I can’t wait to see you in your cap and gown,” JJ reached to hug you, “I feel like a proud big sister.” You smiled against her before pulling away, giving her the ticket. 

“I’ll make sure Aaron knows where our priorities lie this weekend,” Rossi smirked, taking his ticket from you. 

“Speaking of which, I probably should go remind him and give him his ticket,” You bit the inside of your cheek; you had practically avoided the man since what went down. 

You walked up to his office, knocking before you heard a soft, “Come in.” 

“Sorry to interrupt, sir,” You walked in; he looked up from his paperwork, “I just wanted to remind you of my graduation this weekend, so I will be unable to work if there are any cases. The day was cleared by Strauss months ago.”

“I remembered,” He said, his voice flat. 

“Well, I just wanted to double-check,” You fidgeted the ticket in your hand, “I also, uh, wanted to give you this,” You handed him the ticket, “The rest of the team is going if it permits, and no pressure, you really, don’t have to go. I just got enough for everyone.”

A small smile appeared on his face as you rambled on with your excuses, “I’ll be there, Y/N. I wouldn’t miss it.”

You returned the smile, shrugging, “Well, okay then.” 

You turned to leave the office, “Y/N,” Hotch asked, and you turned back around. “I’m not saying there will be and not saying this  _ won’t _ happen, but Penelope may or may not have been planning a graduation party for you.” 

You huffed a laugh, “Of course she is.”

“Would you have expected anything less from Penelope?”

“No, I guess not,” You laughed again, “Will you be there, so at least I don’t have to suffer in silence,” You raised an eyebrow.

He laughed, “As much as I would hate to be in your shoes being celebrated, I happen to like celebrating the people I care about. So suffering, you’ll be alone in.”

The smile slowly slid off of your face; you found a moment of bravery and figured you’d use it to your advantage. 

“Is that why you acted like that, that day,” You swallowed, “Because… because you care?”

You were unable to read emotions from Hotch’s face as the silence filled the room.

“Yes,” he said, his tone short. 

“I care about you, too,” You sighed, “But this is our job, and it requires defending ourselves at some points.”

Hotch pursed his lips, nodding. He knew this, but it didn’t change how he felt. You took it as your cue to leave the office, returning to your desk. 

  
  
  


Your graduation day came sooner than expected. You looked in the mirror and took a deep breath at the sight in front of you, taking it in, tam and gown on. 

You turned to see your mother with proud eyes, reaching for you. You embraced her until your dad reminded you it was time to go. 

Sitting in your assigned seat, you tapped your foot nervously. What if you tripped on the stage? How embarrassing it would be. What if you looked petrified for your life up there? All these thoughts running around in your head. Knowing your team was out in the audience, too, made it all the worse. 

Your row of seats was next, rising; you walked towards the stage in a straight line. You could physically feel your body vibrating with nerves. You took a deep breath to calm yourself. 

“Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N,” The dean called, and you walked up on the stage. 

Taking your degree in one hand and shaking his hand with the other, you smiled. Turning to the audience as your mother requested for a photo, you heard the hooting and hollering from a section. You squinted against the bright lights, and it was your parents and the entire team down there cheering you on. You grinned ear to ear, waving to them before you exited the stage. 

For what felt like hours, you waited for the remainder of your class to be called to the stage before you could leave.

Forgoing your tam and unzipping the gown to reveal the dress you bought for this exact occasion, you entered the building’s central area where the team and your parents awaited. 

You hadn’t even approached them before Derek lifted you in his arms, spinning you like you were light as a feather, in a hug. 

“Congrats, kid,” Rossi said, as Derek put you down, you were a fit of laughter. 

“Thank you,” You smiled before you were wrapped in a group hug between JJ and Penelope. 

“We’re so proud of you,” Penelope practically chanted.

JJ pressed a kiss to your cheek, “ _ So  _ proud.”

“C’mon share, ladies,” Emily interrupted, allowing her access to wrap her arms tightly around you. 

“What about me,” Spencer asked; you raised an eyebrow, breaking from the hug with Emily. 

“Spencer, you don’t  _ do _ hugs,” You laughed before he wrapped his arms around you as well. The hug was short but sweet. 

“Can’t forget us,” Your mom interrupted, you laughed, and she and your dad wrapped their arms around you. “We are so, so proud of you, Y/N.”

“So proud,” Your dad repeated.

“I couldn’t have done it without you guys,” You smiled at them both.

“We were going to head back to the hotel so you could enjoy your time with your friends,” Your mom said, “We still on for celebratory brunch tomorrow?”

You smiled, “Of course, I know the perfect place for mimosas.”

“Perfect,” Your dad said before both parents bid their goodbyes. 

You walked back to the team, realizing Hotch was no longer with them. 

“Where’s Hotch,” You asked Emily. 

“He went to put the finishing touches on the party, I’m sure he told you about,” She raised an eyebrow. 

“It was just a warning,” You laughed. 

“I see; let’s go celebrate.” 

  
  


The team took separate cars; you were surprised when Derek began driving in the opposite direction of Quantico; you figured your party would’ve been held there. Pulling up to a  _ huge _ house, your eyes grew, which you assumed to be Rossi’s. House was the wrong word; this was a mansion. 

You exited the car, brushing off your white lace dress. You being you,  _ had _ to add a little bit of color and opted for baby blue heels. 

  
  


The team walked you out to the back of the house, where the party was being held. Twinkling lights strung across the yard—sunflowers on each table, little touches of  _ you _ everywhere. 

You felt speechless, looking around. Nobody had ever done something  _ this _ grand for you before. 

Rossi walked up beside you, putting his arm around you. “This is all for you, kiddo.” 

“It’s so beautiful; your house is beautiful,” You shook your head in disbelief, “This is too much; you guys seriously didn’t have to.”

“While it was mostly a team effort, we can’t take full credit,” Rossi said, “Aaron is the one who helped point everyone in the right direction since he knows you the most.” 

You bit the inside of your cheek, looking around still not finding him; you were about to go see him before JJ pulled your hand, “Let’s eat! Rossi had the same company cater when he hosted my wedding here; it’s  _ incredible _ .” 

Hotch eventually emerged halfway through diving into the delicious meal; he apologized to the group, saying Jack had been calling him on and off all night. Little was said between the two of you throughout the night, not that you made much effort. 

“Present time,” Penelope said joyfully, standing to grab a wrapped box in gold foil, “This one’s from me.”

“Thank you, P,” You smiled, taking the box and began unwrapping. Inside was your  _ favorite _ perfume. You looked up to her with happily surprised eyes. 

“I can  _ smell _ Chanel from a while away, honey,” She laughed. 

“Thank you,” You smiled, putting the box on the table. 

Spencer got you a book; he remembered one day you told him you loved poetry, so he got you a collection that he thought you would enjoy. 

JJ made a basket up filled with candles, fuzzy socks, and a blanket. She said it was your ‘chill-ax’ basket. 

Derek got you a  _ nice _ pair of headphones, not the ones you had been wearing since college, all tangled in wires. Bluetooth headphones for the plane, that sounded fantastic. 

Emily got you oil paints and brushes, saying she saw you one day after being called in onto a case with colors all over your hands. You didn’t have time to wash it off, she assumed but remembered and took a wild guess that you enjoyed painting. 

Rossi gave you a bottle of red wine, which you assumed just by looking at was expensive, along with an envelope that held a check. You  _ insisted _ it was too much. He wouldn’t let you win that fight. 

Last was Hotch’s; you felt your surroundings grow quiet as you opened the small box. Inside were a pair of amethyst earrings. They were beautiful, 100% your style of jewelry too. 

You looked back up from the earrings; you were beaming, “Thank you, they’re beautiful.”

He smiled back at you; the gaze didn’t break until Emily interrupted. “I think it’s time we open another bottle of champagne.” 

“I agree,” JJ said, standing up, pulling you with her. 

While grabbing the bottle from where it was being chilled, you saw in the corner of your eyes Hotch excusing himself again; you frowned and returned to passing JJ your empty flute. 

Taking a sip for liquid courage, you decided to follow him. “I’ll be right back,” You said to the girls, putting your drink down as you walked towards the inside of the house. 

Inside you looked around, he was nowhere to be found. You sighed, walking towards the front of the house, where you found him in the hallway, one hand in his pocket, the other holding his drink, looking at some piece of artwork Rossi had hanging. 

“Hey,” You said softly; he smiled. 

“Hey.”

“Thank you,” You gave a small smile, “For all of it,” You let out a shaky breath, “I feel really… special.” You shrugged, unsure how to put how you felt, the gratefulness into words. 

You had never had friends or loved ones who showed this amount of appreciation for you. You never felt this cared for and appreciated. These gestures, maybe simple to them, were so much more to you. 

“You are special,” Hotch smiled, his eyes locked with yours. There was a long pause between the two of you before he continued, “I want to say I’m sorry for how I have acted lately.”

“You don’t need to apologize. It’s okay, honestly,” You tried to laugh it off; you  _ really _ didn’t want this conversation right now. 

“No, it’s not,” he corrected, “Y/N, I don’t know how to describe it.” 

You furrowed your brows confused. 

“You and I are alike in so many ways,” He said, “But you? You don’t let it turn you cold. You don’t frown at the world and ask  _ why _ every day.”

You took a deep breath as he continued, unsure where he was going with his thoughts. 

“There’s just something about you,” He took a step closer to you, now almost invading your personal space. You looked up with confused eyes, “You’re an enigma, Y/N. I feel pulled to you. I just don’t know how, or why, or what to do about it.” He let out a breath as he was holding onto this secret for that long. 

“What do you mean,” Your voice just above a whisper now. 

“I mean, what I feel for you is more than just a member of this team,” He said, stepping even closer now, but you didn’t back away.

He was so close you could practically hear his breathing. You felt frozen, unsure of what to say because what you wanted to say was false; he could read you like a book. If you lied about how you felt, he’d know. Quiet was your best bet. 

Until all bets were off.

Time moved slowly, but so quickly at the same time. One moment he was there looking at you,  _ looking _ at you like he does. The next moment, you were breathless; his lips landed on yours. The kiss was soft but passionate. His hand cupped your cheek; you swore you could  _ hear _ your heartbeat in your ears. 

It was like your brain shut off; you could only focus on the feeling of his lips against yours. As quickly as it started, it ended. He pulled away, looking at you. You both were breathless.

Your eyes searched his for answers but also filled with fear. The last time you felt this way and let someone change your life forever. You promised yourself you would never ever let anyone in your life like that and allow them the power to hurt you.

Hotch was  _ nothing _ like that, but you were  _ you _ , and sometimes you did agree with the things Matt said. Sometimes you felt your baggage was excessive. That your health was the weight of a ton of bricks or your personality was all too much. 

  
  


Hotch’s hands still rested on each side of your face; you allowed yourself to touch one of them with your own before looking down, letting out a shuttering breath. 

“I can’t,” You shook your head, pulling his hand off your face, “I have to go.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a kiss. I went so back and forth with this one, whether or not I should allow a kiss to happen or not, but we all know how dominant Hotch is, and despite slowly realizing his feelings, he’s a take action kinda guy. 
> 
> Chapter Song is I Know You by Skylar Grey
> 
> Please comment below with your thoughts!!! <3 
> 
> Until next time.


	14. Chapter Fourteen: I don't want wanna be nobody's fool; I’ve played that part so many times before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, babes. This one kind of goes everywhere with the emotions!! Trust me, the next chapter after this one will make it worth it!!
> 
> As always, follow me on TikTok if you have not already (ssa.ki99) and Tumblr (thesmileykiley).

"Agent Y/L/N, can I speak with you in my office," Hotch said over the rails of the bullpen to you.

Your breath hitched, nervousness filled you.

After the events of your graduation party, you begged Emily to bring you home. By the look on your face, she knew not to pry or ask any questions. It wasn't until you couldn't get yourself to walk up to your apartment; anxiety took full control of your thoughts. Emily parked the car and walked with you up there.

You never had many friends, nevermind friends that you could confide in. You were always who others confided in. But you felt this weight on your chest; you needed relief. You spoke to Emily about everything from your illness to your years with Matt. She just listened; it was precisely what you needed.

So when she asked you about what happened with Hotch, you explained. You told her how you both had grown close over the last five months. Emily listened as you spoke about Hotch being the only person in the world who had looked at you, not even an ounce differently, when you finally opened up. You shared that you felt he truly understood your pain, all of it. Physical and Mental. Between his childhood and inability to open up to others, or the way he compartmentalized everything until he felt numb... you could relate to.

When you finally finished sharing everything, tears shed and all, Emily sat there. You asked her what she thought. Being the perfect person Emily was, she just said it was not up to her to tell you how to feel one way or another, and you shouldn't leave your heart guarded forever, but you needed to do what was right for you, nobody else.

So you knew at some point, you would have to face the music. You had thought in your head what you would say over and over again. You were going to apologize to Hotch for running. You were going, being _honest_. Your response was solid; you walked up confidently to Hotch's office on this Monday morning.

Shutting the door behind you, you swallowed, walking to sit in the chair in front of his desk.

He looked up from his paperwork with no emotion. Your face softened, tilting your head, "Hotch?"

"Agent Y/L/N, what happened the other night was entirely unprofessional," He began; your eyes grew wide, "I want to apologize for my actions and promise you it will not happen again."

You opened your mouth to say something, but nothing came out. You shut it, opened it again, but nothing.

"That was all I needed to say," Hotch said, coldly, "I wanted to make sure this doesn't affect our work."

You were angry now, _furious_ , actually. You stood up from your chair, your face pinched. You cannot believe you were going to share a piece of yourself with this man. You couldn't think that your previous intentions of coming up here were to reconcile and agree on what was said Friday. 

"You are my _boss,"_ You spat, "You made me think you were my friend and _used_ me. When my response wasn't that of what you hoped it to be, you do this?" You were yelling now, finger-pointing in his face practically.

"Agent Y/L/N, lower your volume," He said under his breath.

"No, I won't," You said, "Because I don't know what's worse? You confessing those things to me and them being _true_ , but getting butt-hurt that I wasn't ready to even _talk_ about that. Or is it that you said that as some manipulation tactic for god knows why?"

"I misread the situation entirely."

"Did you," You asked, like it was a brainless question?

If looks could kill, you were Ted Bundy.

"This conversation is over," Hotch said, standing up and walking towards the door, gesturing for you to leave.

You stood there with your arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed so tense; you thought you might have an '11' in between your eyebrows permanently.

"You can go now."

You shook your head at him, "Unbelievable." Then you stormed out of his office, him shutting the door behind him. You picked up your bag and coat, then stormed out of the bullpen. Eyes lingered on you the whole time.

"Someone fucked up big time," Derek said, looking up to Hotch's office where he sat in his desk, pinching the bridge of his nose. Unsure, trying to figure out when it all went wrong.

On your ride home, you shed tears. Deciding to pull over, you put your hands in your face and allowed it to all come out.

You called out the rest of that week. You knew nobody could give you shit for calling out because Hotch would have a bigger HR problem on his hands if he wanted to play _that_ game. You sat in bed or on your couch; on your third day off, you finally forced yourself to shower and change. You couldn't help but repeatedly ask yourself; I _thought he was different_.

Hotch became his distant, cold self. Derek and Rossi both agreed; it reminded them of the divorce with Haley. How lifeless the man was. Neither of them said anything.

When you finally returned to work, everyone couldn't help but notice that you as well had retreated to your old ways—strictly business. No going out for drinks after a case. No bonding on the plane ride back. When it wasn't relating to a case, you just slipped into your own little world, like you used to do initially.

"They really are alike," Emily said one day, "It's eerie."

"Too much for their own good," Rossi said, "You think it wouldn't make them so blind."

About two months had passed since the initial fight. At work, it was Agent Y/L/N and Agent Hotchner, nothing personal. The team was growing exhausted from watching the two of you in so much pain, but anytime one of them brought it up, you both instantly shut them down.

You had lost weight, you spent all of your free time at the gym and found a new trainer here, deciding to take up boxing. It was an excellent way to get your negative energy out.

It was a victorious day; the team had successfully saved five children who were abducted. The odds worked against you all day, but you all managed to put your heads together and work harder than ever. It felt so rewarding to see all of those children reunited with their families.

"Drinks on me, guys," Rossi said, "Let us celebrate."

"I'm down," Derek said, "A day where I can look at this depressing job as an accomplished, uplifting one is one I'll drink to."

"A glass of wine sounds like _heaven_ right now," JJ groaned, "Y/N, are you gonna join?"

You looked over to her, shrugging, "Not sure, maybe after?"

"If you change your mind, you know where we'll be," Emily offered a smile. You knew you most likely wouldn't join, but you hated rejecting them every time. Could you give them a little hope, you thought?

Walking into your front door, you sighed, putting your bags down. It was a hot July day in Virginia, and your rinky-dink apartment didn't have an air conditioner. You opted for a cold shower, throwing your hair back so it didn't get wet; you hopped in, cooling yourself off.

You couldn't help but catch your reflection in the mirror when hopping out. You had been working out for a little under two months now, every day if your schedule allowed it. You were shocked in that short amount of time, the dedication you put into your fitness paid off, you looked _good._

You weren't sure if it was the extra boost of confidence or the stifling apartment, but you decided to throw on your best pair of jeans and a sleeveless blouse. Meeting the team for a drink didn't seem like a bad idea now. Considering Hotch never went anyways, you didn't have anything to worry about.

You called a cab, not feeling like driving, and also wanting to enjoy yourself. Giving the driver the address, you reached in your bag and applied some lip gloss.

Strutting into the bar, you looked around, trying to find a familiar face. You spotted Emily, her dark brown hair contrasting against her bright red shirt. You waved, walking towards her.

You wouldn't say she didn't look happy to see you, but she looked a little uncomfortable. She met you halfway, grabbing your arm.

"Hotch is here," She whispered in your ear; your breathing stopped, "And his ex-girlfriend is with him, Beth."

She looked back at you sadly, and you just shook your head. "I'm fine; I'll be fine. Just stick by my side, okay?"

"Of course," She smiled, the two of you walking over to the team. You spotted Beth immediately; she stuck out, kind of like a sore thumb being the only face you hadn't seen. Hotch hadn't noticed you there until Rossi announced.

"Bellisima," He walked over, wrapping his arms around you, "I didn't know she was back in the picture," He whispered in your ear as he embraced you.

You gave him a forced smile as you separated. You were fine. Right. No. Well, you had to fake being fine.

Derek walked over, throwing his arm around you and pressing a kiss to the top of your head; you understood why the team was being so affectionate. It didn't take a group of profilers to understand what happened between Hotch and you. It was easy to connect the dots.

"Hi, I'm Beth," She reached an arm out to shake your hand; you felt Derek's grip around you tighten reassuringly.

"I'm Y/N; nice to meet you," You were polite, but that's all you would be.

"Can I get you a drink," Rossi asked.

"No, I think I'll go up and get one," You said, turning to go to the bar.

"Put it on our tab," Rossi replied; you smiled before walking up to the bar.

Waiting for the bartender to take your order, you sighed, looking down at the bar top.

"Hey," It was Spencer; he walked up next to you.

"Hey," You offered him a sad smile.

"I can't imagine this is easy for you," He said, "I'm not really great with this whole stuff, but we're all here for you, Y/N, whether you want us to be or not. We know how harsh Hotch can be."

"Yeah," You breathed; that's all you could reply without getting into a fit of some emotions you couldn't control. Spencer patted you on the back and walked back to the group as the bartender arrived; you asked for a tequila shot and a vodka soda.

The bartender quickly poured the tequila; before he even had the bottle upright, you had thrown the tequila back. Not needing salt or lime or anything. You swallowed, feeling the burn of the alcohol in you. The bartender continued to make your drink as you leaned against the bar, your gaze drifted back to the team.

Hotch had his arm around Beth; they were close. Beth wasn't what you would expect Hotch's type would be. She was closer to his age, yes, but looked nothing like Haley, from the few photos you had seen of his late wife. She was very soft looking; she gave off teacher vibes with her soft cardigan and how she had her hair done.

You couldn't help but notice she was nothing like you either. You were taken out of your thoughts by the bartender sliding you your drink.

  
"I threw a couple of extra limes in there for ya," He smiled, "Enjoy."

You smiled, taking your drink and walking back to the group. Several conversations were happening when you stepped back, but you sat next to Emily at the table, as far away from Hotch as you could.

You were taking in your surroundings, sipping your drink.

"So, Y/N, you must be new; I don't remember you from before I left for Hong Kong," Beth smiled.

You bit the inside of your cheek; of course, she had to be sweet.

"I've been with the BAU for about a year and a half now," You nodded, the corner of your lip lifting, trying your hardest.

"Ah, I see," Beth nodded, bringing her red wine to her lips. You couldn't help but feel Hotch's eyes on you the whole time the two of you spoke.

You moved your gaze to meet his, unsure what he was saying, but even a blind person could read that you were hurting just by your eyes.

The gaze didn't falter; the two of you peered at each other for moments longer before you broke it, looking down to your lap, shaking your head.

"I think I'm probably going to get going," You shrugged.

"Aw, so early," Penelope asked, sadly.

"Yeah, I'll talk with you guys later, though," You offered, knowing you probably wouldn't.

"It was wonderful meeting you, Y/N," Beth said.

"You too," Lied again.

"Let me walk you out," Rossi offered, you smiled accepting, waving goodbye to the team.

Outside, you stopped, exhaling the breath you were holding for the last hour.

"I think you should say something to him," Rossi offered, "It can't hurt."

"I tried to two months ago. After my graduation. Hotch was an ass and wouldn't let me get a word out."

"You need to make him listen," Rossi said, lifting his cell to his ear to call you a car from the car service he sometimes used.

You thought about Rossi's words; you just felt exhausted. These last months have cost you all of the hurt and pain you didn't even have time to translate what you actually felt for Hotch that was causing you this pain. The twinge of jealousy you felt tonight was fueled by something in you as well. You felt this undying connection, pulling you back to him. It just hurt too much.

The car arrived, and Rossi kissed the top of your head, bidding you goodnight.

You took the drive home to think thoroughly about what this all truly meant and why it hurt _so_ badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: What’d you think? Let me know, lovelies <3


	15. Chapter Fifteen: I'm drowning in the sea where I found you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii! I literally am SOOOOO goddamn excited to share this chapter with you all. I hope you all forgive me for the last chapter!!!!
> 
> If you haven’t followed me on TikTok, please do! I have been spending all of my time, not writing creating content there. (ssa.ki99) If you have any requests for there too, don’t hesitate. 
> 
> Chapter Song: Black Bear by Andrew Belle
> 
> TW: Mentions of sex in italics. 

_ “What do you want?” _

_ “You,” You said breathlessly as he whispered softly into your ear. Goosebumps rising as his fingers traced up your bare side, “I want you. Now,” You practically begged. Your hands clutching the shirt that you wished he would forgo.  _

_ His right hand, cradling your cheek as you lay on the bed, his left leaving teasing touches on all areas of visible skin. Just in your bra and panties, you laid there restless. You ached to touch him in all of the places you had fantasized about.  _

_ He knew what he was teasing; he wanted to hear you beg for it. He was unbelievable, even in bed. He peppered kisses along your jaw, nipping right at your pulse-point. You couldn’t hold back the noise that you whined. _

_ “Please,” You practically whimpered, “Aaron, please. I want you inside of me, now.” _

_ “Good girl,” His voice was stern and owning. His voice alone could just send you over the edge. _

  
  
  


You jumped awake, your heart beating fast in your chest. You felt the beads of sweat on your forehead. Between the lack of air conditioning and the sex-crazed dream you just had about Hotch, you were quite literally a hot mess. 

You took a deep breath, looking over to the clock beside your bed - 3:31 AM. You knew you couldn’t start your day, but you were also too worked up just to lay there. You huffed a sigh, getting out of bed, and walking to the shower. A cold shower would do you right. 

You let the cold water hit you, and you exhaled. You couldn’t say that this was the first time that you had thought of Hotch that way. You would be lying if you were trying to fool yourself with that one. 

The cold shower did you well by calming down your sexual thoughts, but you couldn’t stop your mind from racing furthermore. You threw on your bathrobe and sat in your bed where the covers had already been pulled back. 

Staring out the window at the dark sky, you thought. And you thought. And thought.

You came to the realization that  _ nobody _ could hurt you as severely as Matt did. If this was something Hotch actually meant the night of your graduation, what would this mean for you? He was your boss. He had a son. He had  _ duties _ for this team. 

You came to the conclusion that the worst pain you could feel was how you felt now. Bottling up these emotions that sat on your chest like a ton of bricks. 

The tears began to well in your eyes. You thought about Hotch, how he was the one man in the world you felt you could trust with entirely anything; your physical, emotional life, and everything in between. He was the only person in the world who understood why one would retreat. Although your pains in life had been different, you felt on levels of comparison, they were relatively equal. 

He knew all of your tells; you knew his. It was easy to figure out. He’d fidget with his fingers when he was nervous or deep in thought, where you would tug on your ear unintentionally. 

The weight of family and responsibility loomed over both of you from the beginning of your earliest childhood memories. 

He was the only person on this green earth that you felt safe enough to open up; you could let your guard down and not be taken as weak. Your illness didn’t make him pity you, nor did your past; he showed genuine respect and admiration time and time again for you anytime the subjects were brought up. 

You sniffled, wiping the tears from your eyes, but they kept flowing. You shook your head, trying to make yourself stop, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t. You felt like you had lost control, and you were grasping for a lifeline. 

You reached over to your bedside and picked up your cellphone. Before you could even realize what you were doing, breathlessly, gasping for air as your emotions continued to overwhelm you, you called Hotch.

It rang twice before he picked up. 

“Hotchner,” He answered, his voice gruff; you didn’t even consider the hour. 

You sniffled, “It’s me.”

“Y/N, it’s 4 in the morning,” You heard him moving around through the phone. 

You realized the time, your actions becoming real, “Oh god,” You sighed with frustration, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called,” You sniffled again, wiping the tear that slipped again. 

“Y/N,” He cleared his voice, “Are you… are you okay?”

There was a long pause; there was no denying you were crying on your end, between your breathing and sniffling. 

“No,” You breathed, almost a whisper into the phone, “I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay.”

“What’s the matter,” He asked, his tone leveled but soft. Inviting. 

“You.”

“Me,” He asked, his voice hitching in question. You could just  _ picture _ the eyebrow raised and the stupid look on his perfect face.  _ Goddamn him _ , you thought.

“Yeah,” You paused again; your lip began to tremble. You bit down on it so hard, you thought you might draw blood, hoping to hold back the inevitable sob. You couldn’t hold back anymore; your throat felt tight as your breath hitched. You let out the cry, the painful ache that sat within you for so many months. The pain that was worse than any illness, any heartbreak you’d ever had—the pain of yearning for someone you needed. 

“ _ Y/N _ ,” Hotch breathed into the phone; he said your name like a desperate sigh. 

You took deep breaths in and out, trying to calm yourself. You pursed your lips holding back the rest of the tears, bringing your legs to your chest. 

“It hurt so much tonight seeing you with her,” You trembled, “I felt sick. It was sickening seeing her with you.”

He stayed quiet on the other line, listening. This all being news to him. He tried to open his mouth for words, but nothing came out. 

“And it hurts not talking to you. It hurts not having my  _ only _ best friend there,” Your breath now shaky, you exhaled, “I need you, Aaron.”

His end stayed radio silent; you knew he was listening, though.

“You are the only person in the world,” You started, “You were my one exception to everything I rebuilt for myself.” You bit your lip again, feeling the shake of tears begin within you once more, “I feel like….I can’t breathe around you anymore,” You said, “You are everywhere. I can’t sleep. I can’t go to work without  _ hurting _ .” 

On the other line, Hotch was utterly speechless. Truly believing since the night he kissed you that your feelings were not the same. Now, he felt like an ass. He didn’t fully understand just the amount of pain he’d caused you until now. He didn’t imagine the connection you two had built all those months ago. 

All of those late nights at work or after work, when you’d stay back with him or the two of you would go out and talk about everything under the sun - nothing and everything.

There was a long pause; you looked out the window again, the sky so dark and clear. You could see each star from your window. You picked at your sheets, fidgeting for some sort of response. 

Hearing nothing, you swallowed your rejection, “I’m sorry I called.”

“No,” Hotch responded quickly, “Y/N, don’t you see?”

You stopped, frozen in your tracks, waiting for him to continue. 

“I have wanted you...for so long,” He said, “I clearly was too blind to see that you felt the same,” He gave a small laugh, which you returned.

“Yeah, you are,” You sighed, “I was going to come to tell you that Monday after my graduation. I wanted to apologize for running because you’re the only person I  _ don’t _ want to run from. I was going to say to you that you were the most important person in my life and that I trusted you more than anyone else.” You bit your cheek, scared and unsure.

“I’m  _ so _ sorry,” Hotch pled, “This whole thing…”

“Is a mess,” You laughed through the tears, “But it doesn’t have to be.”

“No, it doesn’t,” He agreed.

“So now what,” You sighed, your eyes puffy and heavy from the tears and the late hour. 

“Now it is late,” He said, “I think you should get back to sleep.” 

You sighed, laying down under the blankets, phone still to your ear.

“I wish you were here,” Your voice whispered; you felt spent—so many emotions. The relief was a top one. 

“I know,” He also said, just above a whisper, “Me too.” 

“I don’t want to hang up,” You said, “I’m afraid I’ll wake up, and this will be all a dream.” You thought about the dream that commenced this whole evening. Maybe you’d tell him about it another time. 

“Close your eyes,” Hotch said, “I won’t hang up.”

Sleep took over you quickly, the phone clutched to your ear. You slept more peacefully in those next few hours before your alarm than you did in years. 

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Hotch whispered softly, hearing your breathing even out before he hung up the phone, feeling a sense of relief himself. 

The morning crept up quickly. You blinked your eyes open, the memories resurfacing from last night’s (this morning’s?) call to Hotch. 

You looked and saw your phone sitting on your pillow. You sighed, looking up to the ceiling, unsure of what was to come next. You took a deep breath before deciding to get out of bed and start your day. 

You got ready, as usual, before your phone lit up—a text from Hotch.

**_Aaron Hotchner [8:02AM]: We’ve got a case. Wheels up in thirty. Debriefing on the jet._ **

You sighed, looking at your phone, before rushing to grab your to-go mug and bags, before your phone lit up again.

**_Aaron Hotchner [8:05AM]: Talk later._ **

**_You [8:06AM]: On my way now._ **

**_You [8:06AM]: Later sounds good._ **

You drove to Quantico, not even entering the bullpen, meeting the team straight to the jet. You were one of the last to enter. 

“There she is,” Derek scoffed a laugh; you raised an eyebrow at him and his teasing.

“Only took you so long,” Emily joined in, “What did you forget to turn your volume on?”

Confused, but you chose to play along, unsure where they were going, “Yeah, must’ve,” You shrugged, walking to your usual seat.

Hotch was back in the chair across from yours, his eyes looking through the files, not looking up as you sat.

“What was that about,” You asked him quietly. 

He didn’t look up, continued to sift through the thick file in front of him, “You were up late; I figured you could use the sleep.”

The little gesture brought warmth to your belly. You smiled as Hotch finally looked up.

“They’ll get over it,” He smirked before closing his file. The jet began its departure, and Hotch spoke up for everyone to hear, starting to debrief another gruesome case. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: AHHHHHHJHHfheuijwaosnbhgeuwbefhsji, I am so excited to finally get to the core of this story! The fluff, the smut, the occasional angst that will lead to smut and fluff. 
> 
> As a heads up, when smut does happen, I will TW at the beginning of the chapter. I will not tolerate any comments that may or may not make other readers uncomfortable, as I have seen in others’ stories. This should be a safe place for everyone to enjoy a story, so please respect that. 
> 
> Also, I cannot even remember the last time I wrote smut. I am pretty sure I was still a virgin, so maybe my writing has improved since, HA. Although my smut back then was fire from what I remember hearing from the 45-year-old women in the last fandom I was in, haha. 
> 
> Lastly, I am curious about what you all enjoy as the reader; of course, I have a plan, but everyone has their own preferences in relationships, whether it be smut or fluff or the in-between. What are you hoping to see, considering you are Y/N? 
> 
> As always, leave your thoughts and until next time, babes.


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Nobody does it like you do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we have finally made it to what some of you all have been waiting for. With a little wine, I was able to write this. I hope you all enjoy! 
> 
> As always, follow me on TIkTok if you haven’t already! (ssa.ki99)
> 
> TW: s m u t 

You sat at the table in the local police department. You were picking at your nails as you tried to focus on the files ahead; the keyword was trying. You were trying to find a serial arsonist who set fire to churches, but in your mind, the only thing you could think of was Hotch. 

You were afraid if you had too much time to think, you would possibly regret opening yourself up. You  _ knew _ you couldn’t do that, though. You had to trust. Letting go of that control was like learning to calm a storm that had been brewing inside of you. For years, you felt like you were drowning, unable to swim from the weight of your past. Now, you realize that Hotch could be someone who truly made you feel lighter. 

“You still thinking of what happened at the bar last night, kid?” 

Morgan’s hushed voice took you out of your thoughts. You shook your head, no.   
  


“If it makes you feel any better, I heard Rossi ask him about Beth,” You tried to seem uninterested;  _ play it cool,  _ you thought, “Apparently, they aren’t getting back together. She’s just in town for the week before she moves to Italy, I guess.”

You looked back at your files, pretending to seem invested, “That’s too bad,” You lied, “You know, for Hotch.”

Morgan shrugged, “Nah,” He laughed, “I’m pretty sure she was just one of those stepping stones to move on, ya know?”

“Yeah,” You laughed, “I have had a few of those.”

You thought about the first time after Matt, the guy you went on a few dates with. He was head over heels for you; the two of you were introduced through a co-worker back in Boston. He was kind, funny, and checked all of the boxes, but that feeling of trust and being able to  _ be _ yourself was not apparent. All you did was go on a few dates, but you remember the last date where he kissed you goodnight outside of your cars; you played it cool until you got into your vehicle and the sobs wracked over you. You were not ready.

“We’ve all got ‘em,” Morgan said, picking up his file, leaving you in the small room. You sighed, putting your head in your hands. You wished you could get out of your own head, sometimes. 

“Got a lot on your mind?”   
  
You looked up at the ever-familiar voice - Hotch. You let out a shaky laugh; he knew you too well. 

“How’d you know,” You raised an eyebrow. 

He walked over to the table and sat across from you; he gave you an empathetic smile. 

“Because,” He shrugged, the smile fading, his face now serious, “I know you.”

“Yeah,” You looked back down at the table, “You do.”

“And I knew last night that took a lot for you. I know it wasn’t an easy thing.” 

You looked back up, biting your inner cheek. God, did he know you? Your face was confirmation enough of what he said was true. 

“I hope you know that I’m happy you did,” He gave you a small smile.

You gave him the best smile you could despite the anxiety filling you, “I am too, even though I’m terrified,” You let out a nervous laugh. 

“I know,” he nodded. Before he could talk further, JJ entered, panic-stricken. 

“There’s been another fire,” She said through the doorway. 

“Alright, let’s go,” He said, back to business, standing from the table, leaving as quickly as he walked in.

  
  
  
  


No leads. Nothing new. Nothing to go on. The team trudged to the hotel. You could see the frustration on Rossi’s face, the exhaustion over Emily’s, or the anger on Morgan’s. All JJ could talk about was the glass of wine she needed five hours ago, while Spencer continued to rant about the case’s technicalities. You couldn’t help but notice Hotch’s face looked less tense. You chose to ignore that before everyone separated into their individual rooms. 

You walked into yours, sighing as you placed your go-bag on the floor. You did your usual room sweep, making sure everything was orderly. When you confirmed, you walked straight into the bathroom, turning the shower on as hot as you could take it. You clipped your hair back and hopped in, exhaling as the pressure of the water hit your back.

You closed your eyes, instantly images from your dream the night before crept over you. Your body rose with heat. Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, you shut the water off, wrapped yourself in the complimentary robe, and sat on the edge of the bed. 

At once, you felt like a horny teenager who couldn’t get the thoughts out of your mind. You groaned, pinching the bridge of your nose.

Three knocks at your door, you got up, cursing under your breath. You were assuming it was JJ wanting to grab a drink at the bar, as she had mentioned earlier; you just couldn’t even think about that right now. 

You had an itch that needed to be scratched twenty hours ago, and you were going to need to do  _ something _ about it. At this point, you didn’t care that this was a hotel room surrounded by your co-workers or that your hands were not his. It wouldn’t stop you from imagining them. It’s not like this was the first time your mind jumped to him, trying to reach your own release. 

Ripping the door open, you swallowed, seeing it was  _ not _ JJ. It was Hotch.

He had forgone the tie and jacket for his suit. You felt speechless, just him looking at you. You couldn’t believe one person could make you feel so weak in the knees. You had been satisfied for so long, only on your own. No need for a man if you had a vibrator that could achieve the same thing; for the first time, you felt that statement was entirely  _ false. _

“Hi,” You breathed, leaning against the door, not even noticing your lack of dress. 

He raised an eyebrow, “Is this a bad time,” 

“No,” You shook your head, “No.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, yeah, come in,” You gestured, letting him walk into your hotel room. He walked past you, you shut the door, still facing it.

“Y/N?”

You turned, facing him now. You would bet money what you were feeling written on your face. 

“I wanted to see you so we could talk,” Hotch said, clearly not realizing your state. 

“I  _ can’t _ ,” You practically groaned, “Not right now, not like this.” 

He raised an eyebrow, confused. “We can do this another time,” he said, “I don’t want you getting in your own head.”

“No,” You interrupted, “I’m not.” 

You could barely make eye-contact with him at this moment. You felt you were visibly coming undone at the seams. 

“What is it then?”

You looked at him, your eyes wide, “ _ You,”  _ He frowned; you shook your head, “I called you last night because I had this dream.” 

You put your hand over your face, shielding yourself in whatever blush appearing on your face. Hotch remained silent, making you nervous, so you looked back up to him with distressed eyes. 

“The dream was like the last straw,” You laughed at yourself, “And I can’t stop thinking about this  _ stupid  _ dream,” You shook your head, “Yeah, sure, I want to talk, but right now all I can think of is you fucking me right here on this bed.”

You wouldn’t say he was taken back by your brazen words, but you also would not say he was used to that coming out of your mouth either. He continued to just stare at you - Stare through you. You suddenly felt so small. 

You sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed where you sat before he knocked. 

“I’m sorry,” You said in a shaky voice, “I shouldn’t have said that.” You squeezed your eyes closed, wishing you could just take back everything you said. 

You were never this forward when it came to sex. Sure, what you liked was far from vanilla, but you were more submissive than anything. You felt your life was out of control at times, being controlled in other aspects made you feel sane. It had been so long, though, and here you were  _ so _ desperate, you felt humiliated. 

You looked up through your eyelashes, feeling him now close. He had a look on his face you hadn’t seen before. You looked up, surrendering to your humility. 

Softly, he reached down and cupped your cheeks. His hand felt like fire against your skin.

“Don’t  _ ever _ apologize for that,” He said, his voice coarse. You blinked, completely feeling at his mercy now.

Hotch dipped his head down, kissing you with a hunger that hadn’t been present the first time he kissed you. You brought your hand to the back of his head, combing through the soft, gelled locks. Pulling him closer, you moaned softly through the kiss in a needy way. 

You could smell the same cologne that awakened you the day you woke up in the hospital after being shot before your mind instantly processed his tongue, fighting for dominance in your mouth. You carefully bit his bottom lip, another small but desperate moan spoken between your mouths. 

Tugging on his hair, you knew at this moment you needed more, already feeling like you were about to fall apart the second he put his hands on you. 

He immediately moved his mouth, kissing your cheek, trailing behind to your ear. Your neck stretched, allowing him the perfect access to that sweet spot behind your ear. You closed your eyes in satisfaction. 

You shifted under him, needing to feel more. He nibbled on your ear before pulling away. Breathlessly, you looked up to him. His eyes were darker than you’d ever seen them. 

“Are you sure,” He asked breathlessly. You felt you couldn’t find the words; you just nodded keenly.  _ “Good,”  _ He said before crashing his lips back to yours.

You continued to rake your hands through his hair, the other hand moving to the buttons of his shirt, shakily unbuttoning each. Both hands then slid the shirt off of him, revealing his bare chest. You slid your hands up the planes of his muscular chest—years of scars under your fingers. Stories to be told, you thought in the back of your mind.

Once your hands reached his back again, you pulled him on top of you, pushing you both to lay atop the bed. Continuing to kiss you deeply, you whimpered against his lips. Him, taking the hint, pushed himself off of you.

You breathed heavily, looking at him hanging over you. You pushed yourself up, leaning back on your elbows. You bit your lip as you gazed at his hungry stare.

“Take the robe off,” His voice rough; the dark look on his face sent heat right between your legs before you could even process what he said, “Now,” His voice more resonant than before.

You swallowed, your eyes not breaking his. You stood, reaching for the tie on the robe beside you. Untieing the robe, you then slipped it off of your shoulders. Your eyes narrowed with need as it landed on the floor. You watched as he licked his lips, deciding what to do with you next. You felt like putty under his gaze.

He looked over your naked body, trailing over every part of you with his eyes. You felt nervous suddenly, standing there under his gaze. Like he knew what you were thinking, he met you once more, grabbing your jaw roughly, pressing his lips firmly against you. 

“ _ Beautiful,” _ Hotch said between kisses. 

Your hands reached for the back of him, nails digging into his shoulder blades. His kisses trailed along your jaw to your neck. Gently, he laid you back on the bed, his lips not leaving the crook in your neck. Your body twitched in anticipation. He continued to kiss down your neck to your collarbone, then to your chest.

His lips dragging along your skin, you then felt him near your breasts. You inhaled quickly as his tongue flicked your left nipple. You couldn’t hide the breathy moan that fell from your lips. You could feel him smile against your breast as you couldn’t contain your reaction. 

“ _ Aaron,”  _ You said his name like your life depended on it, looking down at you as his lips moved over to your left breast. His hand now replacing his mouth on the left. He pinched your left nipple gently, allowing another soft breath from your mouth; you quickly bit your lip.

His right hand, moving from your breast, now trailed down your stomach softly, gently brushing your own scar from months ago, then creeping to the part where you needed him most. You bit hard on your bottom lip as his fingers trailed down to your core. 

You couldn’t hold back the gasp as he swiped his fingers between your folds. He was now holding himself up on his other arm, hovering over you, releasing your nipple from his mouth; Hotch moved to your neck, where he nipped as he circled your clit. 

“Must’ve been an excellent dream,” he chuckled against your neck as he felt how wet you were against his fingers. You were too drunk by his actions to respond.

He began kissing down your chest, to your stomach. Heading south towards your core, you couldn’t help but buck your hips as his fingers circled you in the perfect motion. 

Suddenly you felt nervous; you had never gotten off by oral sex before. The few times you experience it, you sat there awkwardly as your partner would sloppily think he was achieving ecstasy. 

Hotch must have felt you tense; he looked up, his head by your lower abdomen, “If you want me to stop, tell me.” The look you gave him was telling enough. Whether it was the nerves or awkwardness that painted your face, he knew. “You’ve never come like this before, have you?”

You swallowed, suddenly feeling exposed. You shook your head, “No,” You bit your lip nervously. 

“Clearly, they must’ve not known what they’re doing,” Hotch said with a smirk before giving you a ‘ _ can I?’  _ look. 

You swallowed again, nodding, yes, feverishly. Before you could even process it, Hotch was slipping a finger into you, all the way to the knuckle. You clenched around his finger as he began to pull towards you. You exhaled, gripping the comforter that you were lying atop of. He worked you up, squirming against his one finger before he added a second. 

You threw your head back, pressing your skull into the mattress firmly. He pecked his way to the bundle of nerves that sat between your legs. It was slow at first; you were prepared for the reality that this might not be anything more than as enjoyable as it was now. 

He began flicking his tongue against you, and you couldn’t believe the pleasure that warmed within you. Your legs began to thrash around his head. He firmly pressed his free hand against your hip, holding down so tightly you knew there might be finger marks left behind. 

You bit your lip, holding back a chant of moans as he continued to lap against you with his tongue, his two fingers working just at the right pace within you. He slowly slid his third finger in, and you couldn’t believe you almost came right there and then. 

  
He must have felt the flutter against his finger because his pace continued. He hummed against your clit. You couldn’t help but realize how incredible at this he was, most men would quicken their speed when they realized you were close, but he knew to keep going just the way he was. Not changing. He had it down to a science. Were you any bit surprised? 

“Oh god,” You breathed, feeling the tightening of nerves begin. You could feel Hotch’s smile against you as Hotch continued, “How are you so good at this,” You gasped, reaching again for the blankets under you with your grip. His smile grew more prominent against you as he continued his work. 

Quickly the wave of pleasure took over you, hitting you like a ton of bricks. The quakes of your body began, “Aaron, oh my god,” You gasped, eyes closing tightly as he continued. 

Your pleasure rang, and he didn’t relent. He felt your trembling slow, so did his movements. Slowly removing his fingers from you and releasing his mouth from your clit, he slowly snaked his way up to meet you face to face. Your lips parted in complete satisfaction; he parted them furthermore with his fingers that were just inside you.

Your eyes, hooded, looked at him as you traced your tongue around his fingers, not breaking eye contact. 

_ “Fuck,”  _ He whispered, as your tongue worked along with his fingers, giving him an idea of what you could do to him in return. Your hand reached for the belt around his pants, his hips jerking backward. You furrowed your eyes, worried about being rejected. “Next time,” he promised, taking his fingers out of your mouth, moving to his belt, undoing it swiftly. 

Your eyes never left his as he undid his pants, quickly stepping out of them. You couldn’t help but look at his size as he then stepped out of his boxers, baring himself just as much as you were. 

You swallowed, leaning on your elbows to look at him more closely. Inching yourself up to a sitting position, you bit your lip. The tense gaze between you two not breaking. He leaned his head down, planting a gentle kiss upon your lips. You could taste yourself on his lips; he tasted bitter and salty against your mouth. You moved your hands to now cup his jaw. He pushed you both back onto the bed, him between your thighs now. 

You whimpered against his lips, immediately breaking the kiss. He looked at you with darkened eyes, “What do you want?” 

Heat flooded your body as you remembered the same question from the dream the night before. However, dream-you was far more confident with her words than you were. You bit your lip, feeling unable to respond to his question. 

“I said,” His voice deeper, “What do you  _ want? _ Use your words, Y/N.”

You let out a shaky breath, “You,” You breathed, one hand now around his neck, fingernails showing your need against his skin. 

“I need you to be more specific, baby,” He let out a cocky laugh. You returned a frown as his lips moved to your jaw, the pressure he gave against it, you knew there would be a mark, “What do you want,” He repeated. 

“I want you,” Your voice shook, “I need you inside of me.” 

He removed his lips from your neck, looking at you with an almost satisfied stare. 

_ “Please,”  _ You practically cried as you felt the need for him. The look he gave you in return, partially animalistic, had you clenching around nothing. 

“Since you asked so nicely,” He nipped at your neck again; you moaned a little louder now, immediately biting your lip in fear that you embarrassed yourself. “As much as I love hearing you, we will have to save that for when we are not in a hotel room,” he continued, parting your legs more with his knee now. 

You gripped onto him like a lifeline, like if you were to let go, he would slip into nothing. Your fingers pressed into his firm muscles as he continued to kiss you, now moving back to your lips. 

“Do we need to-”

“No,” You shook your head, your foreheads pressed against each other, “I’m on birth control, I’m clean.” 

“Okay,” he gave you a soft smile before returning to your lips. His fingers found their way back to your core, spreading you open, rubbing your clit once more. Your hips lifted, meeting his touch. He took his other hand and slowly guided his cock towards you, rubbing it against you. You moaned, almost drawing blood, trying to suppress it with your teeth against your lips. 

He slowly slid in, seating himself within you. Neither of you moved for a moment, you adjusting to his size.  _ “Fuck,  _ you’re so tight,” He breathed into your ear. You pulled him closer to you, bringing your hips up further, encouraging him to move. 

The two of you moved in sync, your hips meeting his with every thrust. You usually could never get off on just internal stimulation alone, but there had been a lot of firsts tonight. You felt him hit your g-spot with every thrust, setting the rhythm that caused the pit of you to tighten. Hotch gripped your thigh, raising it higher. You wrapped your legs around him, allowing him to reach a new depth. 

Your nails began to scratch against his back, trying to hold on. He could feel that you were close, the fluttering around him, as you could tell he was. 

“ _ Please _ ,” You begged,  _ needing _ release. Hotch continued pumping in and out of you with force, the obscene sounds filling the room along with his labored breathing. The noises alone could send you over the edge. 

You felt yourself come undone without warning, your head pushed into the crook of his neck, teeth bearing down against him. He continued to ride you through your orgasm, but not long before, he twitched within you. He let out a soft groan into your hair. 

The two of you stayed like that for a moment, minutes maybe. You felt him grow soft within you. He kissed your temple as he pulled out; you couldn’t help but let a small cry leave your lips as you felt him leave you. He heard, pressing another kiss to your lips. 

Hotch pushed himself off the bed, walking to the bathroom. You heard the sink run as he returned with a warm cloth, cleaning you. Biting your lip, feeling a little uncomfortable by the action, usually, you would just walk to the bathroom and take care of things yourself. You were not used to this level of care, nevermind sex that passionate. He had this tender look on his face.

He brought the cloth back to the bathroom before returning. You hadn’t moved your position, sitting up on the still made bed. He reached down, grabbing his boxers, pulling them up, before walking over to the side of the bed.

He nodded, gesturing for you to move from the middle so he could pull the blankets down. You hadn’t even thought of this. Would he stay? 

You shifted, him crawling under the layers of blankets, looking at you. His eyes telling you to do the same. You lifted yourself, slipping under the covers. You were entirely quiet, worried if you said anything, it would be all too real, this feeling. Your head also was spinning from the energy you just exerted. You turned to face him, looking up through your hooded eyes. 

“Hi,” He whispered to you; he was also now on his side, facing you. 

“Hi,” You said in the same tone, “That was…” You swallowed, trying to find the words.

“Better than your dream, I hope?”

You laughed, “Yeah,” Your eyes pinched in laughter, “I’ve never been able to…”

“Come,” He raised an eyebrow at you.

“Yeah,” You said, “I always thought it was just me.”

“That’s because you’ve only ever slept with boys, Y/N.”

Your stomach flipped; if exhaustion weren’t already pulling over you, you would have felt turned on all over again.  _ Save it for later _ , you thought.

“Come here,” He said, opening his arms so you could rest against his chest. You moved, and he hugged his arms around you. Your ear pressed against his bare chest; you could hear his steady heartbeat. Your fingers traced the scars on his chest before placing a kiss right where you could reach. He returned the kiss by placing one against the top of your hair, holding you closer. 

You let out a deep exhale; he felt it, squeezing you once more against him. You nuzzled your head against his chest, getting comfortable as your eyes began to feel heavy. 

“Goodnight, Y/N,” He whispered into the top of your head.

“Goodnight, Aaron,” You said softly, sleep taking over you. For the first time in your life, it felt nice not to feel like you had a grasp on everything and anything. You could just  _ be. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, y’all. How was it? I will come back with filthier smut at a later time, more dom!Hotch and other stuff I have planned up my sleeve, but I wanted their first time together to be a little tamer, lol. 
> 
> So let me know what you all thought! Comments from you all make my day <3


	17.  Chapter Seventeen: Feel our bodies grow, and our souls they play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am with a late chapter!!! Thank you for all of the support on the last chapter! I was so nervous about sharing. I had not written smut since I was sixteen years old (I am twenty-one, twenty-two in a few weeks), so it’s been a while! 
> 
> As always, follow me on Tumblr (thesmileykiley) and TikTok (ssa.ki99)! I need suggestions on what to post on both, lol!
> 
> TW: s m u t…. Hair pulling, ass-smacking, the beginnings of Dom!Hotch and Sub!Y/N.

You woke up, and the room was still dark. The memories were rushing back to you quickly. Nestled in Hotch’s arms, you looked up at his sleeping face. The most relaxed you had ever seen the man look. The sound of soft snores filled the dim room. 

You bit your lip, holding back the smile that was appearing on your face. You felt...happy. You traced your free arm up to Hotch’s bicep, feeling the muscles move in his sleep. You moved up, closer to his neck, placing soft kisses along his jaw to the crook of it. A sleepy murmur comes from his lips as you continue. You added more pressure with your mouth around his neck. You could already see the darkened spot from last night, even here in the unlit room, from where you bit down on him as you came against him. 

You felt him harden against your thigh that was intertwined with his. Slowly your actions roused him from his slumber. He was still not fully awake, but his body indeed was. You trailed your mouth down his chest, his hips unintentionally bucking as you kissed each scar on your way south. 

Biting your lip, your hand grasped the elastic of his boxers, pulling them down. You ran your hand up and down his almost fully hard cock. A moan escaped his lips, his eyes still shut from sleep. You threw your hair over your right shoulder out of your way before bringing him to your mouth. 

The moment you licked the head of his cock, his eyes shot open,  _ “Fuck,”  _ he cursed; you engulfed his head with your mouth, sucking lightly. He threw his head back in pleasure, reaching a hand to your hair, entangling his large fingers in it. 

You took more of his cock into your mouth, hollowing your cheeks as you took him inch by inch. A ragged breath drew from his lips; you felt him tighten his fingers in your hair. Using your hands and lips together, you began to bob up and down at a quicker pace. Your eyes looked up to meet his. The direct eye-contact as you moved your head caused him to tighten his fingers in your hair even more. You clenched your thighs together, feeling incredibly turned on by the twinge of pain with him tugging on your scalp.

You began to taste the salty pre-come in your mouth, feeling that he was close. Instantly, he tugged at your hair, removing you from his mouth. You gasped. 

“Enough, baby,” he growled, hands still tangled in your hair; he pulled you to his mouth, aggressively kissing you. The kiss felt like an act of sex in itself, his mouth fucking yours. You gasped into him, he pulled you back again by your hair, you moaned. It wasn’t difficult to see how much you liked having him pull your hair, “I want to come inside of you.” 

You bit your lip, straddling his waist immediately. His hands moved from your hair to your hips, pulling your wet center against him, teasing you. You began grinding your hips against his lower abdomen, teasing his cock with every movement. His fingers began digging deep into your hip bones, showing his need. You reached between the two of you, lifting yourself slightly, lining his cock up to your wet center. You teased him, rubbing him through your wet folds before you teased him more at your core. The look on his face wasn’t amused.

With dark eyes, you could see that he had enough with the teasing. He didn’t even  _ wait _ for you to sink down before he grabbed your hips with all of his force, thrusting himself into you. You couldn’t help the  _ embarrassingly _ loud moan that escaped your lips.

“ _ Fuck,  _ Aaron, _ fuck.” _

“That’s what you get for teasing me like that,” He grunted, lifting his hips away from you, then pumped back into you, “I don’t like being teased.” He stopped, fully seated in you. You  _ needed _ him to move. Now.

You began to move your hips atop of him, and he gripped them still.

“Let’s not forget who’s in charge here,” He said sternly, your face filled with desperation, and he knew it.

“I’m sorry, sir,” You practically pouted. He responded by slapping your ass,  _ hard _ . You gasped.

_ “Good girl.”  _

You almost came apart just hearing him call you that. You had never been with anyone who used dirty talk, but it was one of the  _ hottest _ things. In your mind, Aaron’s words alone could make you come undone. 

Moving his hands from your hips, he brought you down to his lips, your chest flush against him. He began to raise his hips relentlessly. He sucked on your lower lip as he moved to a sitting position, you still pressed against him. Moving his hands to your hips again, he lifted them for you with force, bringing them back down.

“Fuck me, baby,” His lips now by your ear, nipping at your sweet spot. You obliged, bringing your hips up and down at a steady rhythm that satisfied both you and him. 

His hand brought another slap to your ass; the stinging sensation went right to your pulsating pussy

You threw your head back, your hair cascading down your back, as you rode him. One hand gripped on your hips, the other massaging your bouncing tits. 

“ _ Fuck, _ you’re so good,” He groaned, his lips now nipping at your collarbone. You steadied yourself on his shoulders as you continued to rock against him. Your breathing was now ragged. You moaned, louder than you usually would’ve allowed yourself. It was the middle of the night; who would’ve heard anyways. 

“I’m so close, Aaron,” You rasped, your fingernails digging further into his skin. He nipped harder onto your chest. 

“Let go,” He said, moving his hand from your breast to your clit. He knew the right rhythm and motion to have you fall apart beneath him. You could feel the spring coiling tightly at your core. Your moans almost sobs as your pace pumping on him faltered.

He guided you through the orgasm, his hand on your clit and the other driving you by the hand at your hip.

“Aaron,” You practically screamed, dropping your head into his chest, “Jesus,  _ fuck _ .” You slowed as you felt the static of your orgasm taking complete control of you. He lifted his hips now, quickening. The sound of hips slapping together and heavy breathing filled the darkroom. 

“ _ Goddamn,  _ Y/N,” He choked, as you felt him fill you. His movements slowed; you laid heavily against him. Aaron gripped your back, holding you to him tightly. 

He remained inside of you, both of your breathing evenings out. You began to lift yourself off of him, and he clutched you closer, kissing lazy kissed behind your ear. His lips found the small tattoo he found ages ago when your hair was pulled back. 

Aaron laid back, taking you with him atop his chest. The two of you still connected, even though he remained soft inside of you. You could feel come dripping between the two of you, typically something you would feel the need to get up and clean immediately, but the grip against you was so tight and comfortable, you didn’t want to move. Your body felt heavy and limp on him. 

The two of you fell asleep like that; you were wrapped around him like a koala. You slept soundly against his chest before the sounds of your alarm woke you both. It stopped; you assumed he shut it off, as your eyes were too heavy to open. 

He traced his fingers up and down your back. Goosebumps appeared across your naked skin. Somewhere in your sleep, the two of you disconnected, but the sticky feeling around your thighs, reminding you of your middle of the night activities. 

“We have to get up,” Hotch said, his voice ruff with sleep. 

“ _ No _ ,” You groaned, clutching onto him tighter, “I wanna stay here all day.”

“As nice as having you on top of me like this all day sounds, we have to work,” He kissed the top of your hair, “C’mon, let’s shower.”

You looked up to him, raising an eyebrow, wondering what a shower together would look like. He laughed.

“As much as having my way with you in the shower sounds like the perfect way to wake up, we’ll have to save that for later,” You pouted at his response before getting off of him. You had to catch your balance as you stood up from the bed. Your legs felt wobbly. He looked at you with a raised eyebrow now himself.

“What,” you frowned. 

“You just look  _ thoroughly _ fucked.”

You crossed your arms, “Sorry, my balance is  _ never _ perfect in the morning.”

“It’s not your balance I’m talking about, baby,” he pointed to your neck. You immediately clutched it, running to the bathroom. You audibly gasped. 

“Aaron Hotchner!”

He followed you into the bathroom; standing behind you, he brought his lips to your shoulder, kissing it as you looked in the mirror. You couldn’t help but feel like putty in his hands. 

“Let’s shower,” He said, lifting his head, moving to turn the shower on—steam filling the room.

You turned away from the mirror, done examining the many marks he left for you. You looked at him and began cracking up.

“What,” He practically groaned, entering the shower. You followed, walking into the shower. Placing your hand atop his chest, you looked up at him, still with an amused grin. Aaron looked down with a frown.

Your hand trailed to the purple marks near his neck and shoulder. “It’s a good thing you were a tie and button your shirt all the way up,” You bit back a smile. 

He rolled his eyes, burying his face into your neck, adding more marks with his mouth as the water flooded over you two. You squirmed beneath him, mentally noting to pack more concealer with you in your go-bag. 

“You’re gonna pay for that later, baby,” He smiled against you. You sighed, wishing you had more time so he could fuck you right here and now, against the cool shower wall.

Aaron could feel your thoughts change as if he read your mind. He pulled away, reaching for the complimentary shampoo. Gesturing for you to turn around, you did. He combed his fingers through your hair, shampooing your locks. You bit your lip, holding back a moan, the feeling too good. He must’ve known you enjoyed it; he let out a small laugh.

“You like my hands in your hair, don’t you?” 

“How could I not,” You replied, rolling your head back as he washed the shampoo out of your hair. 

“Good,” He replied, reaching for the conditioner, combing that through the ends of your hair. You turned as the conditioner sat and grabbed the shampoo. 

“Turn around,” You said; he raised an eyebrow, you smiled, “ _ please _ ?” 

“Good girl,” He smirked, turning, “You sure you’ll be able to reach,” he teased, commenting on how short you were compared to him. 

You rolled your eyes, wanting to say something snarky back but settling to save it for later, assuming the outcome would be you begging his name. You returned the favor, massaging the shampoo into his hair before washing it out. 

The two of you spent the next moments washing each other. The gestures were more intimate than you were ever used to. Aaron held you against him before reaching to shut the water off. You sighed; he pressed a kiss against your wet hair before exiting, grabbing a towel. He wrapped it around you, your eyes not leaving his. You had never felt so taken care of. It was like you didn’t have to  _ think _ , something you anxiously did all day.

He then wrapped himself in a towel, walking back into the room. He put his suit back on from yesterday; you couldn’t help but feel the pit of disappointment, realizing he’d have to part ways to go back to his room and adequately change. You worked with a team of profilers; of course, they’d notice if he wore the same suit. 

You bent down to your bag, looking through your clothes in your go-bag. You made sure you took out your medications so you wouldn’t forget them. You couldn’t help but feel Aaron’s eyes on you. 

Aaron leaned down, placing a kiss goodbye to your head, “I need to change back in my room,” He said against your head, “Wear the blue top,” He said, standing back up. Could he tell you couldn’t even make a decision on what to wear? You looked up at him as he began to slide through the door, “I like you in blue,” He smirked, before winking, the door shutting behind him.

You were left speechless, finally alone to comprehend the events that happened within the last twelve hours. You sighed, a smile you couldn’t stop formed on your face. Reaching into your bag, you grabbed your blue blouse and dress pants. 

You used your whole tube of concealer, cursing Aaron with each blending motion on your neck. 

  
  


You closed the hotel behind you; the cleaning service had their hands full today trying to clean that disaster of a room. You locked up, Aaron walking from his room as well. 

The two of you drove back to the station together; since it was just the two of you, he didn’t mind placing his hand on your thigh. You both had the unspoken understanding of not mentioning anything to the team. 

  
  


The day was filled with stolen glances that nobody picked up on, luckily. He sat next to you in the conference room as you all looked over your files. You couldn’t help but jerk slightly as his hand trailed your thigh under the table. 

The case was finally coming to a head; the arsonist was found; the only trouble was the profile led you to believe he was about to set fire to this final location. 

It was Hotch’s orders to stand back until the fire marshalls came. Your heart began to race as you heard inside screams of what sounded like a child. 

You furrowed your brows; panic was written all over your face, “Hotch, there’s a child in there.”

“Why would he have a child,” Emily asked, confused as well, but not denying.

Smoke began to fill the air. You felt helpless, hearing the screams start to quicken. 

“We cannot just let a child  _ burn _ to death,” Your voice rose. 

“The fire department will be here any moment, Y/N,” Hotch said, his voice lacking emotion. 

“Help me, please, help me!” 

The small child’s voice cut through you, your bottom lip trembled. You couldn’t just stand there anymore. 

“I’m going in,” You said, walking forward. 

“Agent Y/L/N,” Hotch’s voice just below a yell now, “Stand back, that is an order.” 

“That little kid has a whole life ahead of her,” You snapped back, “I am not going to let this sick bastard steal that from her.” 

Hotch let out a deep sigh. You all felt the rest of the team’s eyes on you. You snapped your head back to the burning church, sprinting towards the smoke. 

You felt the smoke through your nostrils the moment you walked through the front doors. You removed your blazer, placing it over your face as a filter for the smoke. 

  
The cries led you to a little girl, about seven years old, huddled on the floor. 

You approached her, coughing as you spoke, “Hi, sweetie, my name is Y/N; I work for the FBI.” You said against your blazer, “I am gonna get you out of here, okay?” 

The girl nodded, reaching up for you. You lifted her, taking your blazer and placing it over her face. “Here, this will help protect you from the smoke.” 

You trudged out of the burning building, grasping onto the light little girl, who felt heavier with each step; you inhaled the dark smoke surrounding you. 

You pushed through the front door, your team still waiting there—regardless, no fire department. 

You coughed hard as the EMT’s surrounded both of you, taking the young girl from your arms. You bent down, leaning against your knees, coughing harder than you ever had. You felt a hand on your back as your head was between your knees, trying to regain steady breathing. You both jumped at the sound of crashing walls behind you. 

Standing up, you felt weak; you looked to the person holding you steady; it was Hotch. 

“We need to get you checked out,” He demanded, his voice stern—the sirens of the fire department surrounding the scene.

You listened, the all too familiar feeling of sitting on the lip of the ambulance bay as Hotch’s eyes watched you like a hawk. 

“The unsub burned in the building,” Derek said, walking over to the two of you, “But the little girl’s going to be fine; she apparently attended Sunday school here; that’s how he found her.” 

“Good,” Hotch said, his eyes never leaving yours, though. You looked back at him, nervous for disapproval. 

“Feel better, kid,” Derek said, before turning away, “That was a brave thing you did.”

You offered him a weak smile as the EMT listened to your lungs. Derek walked away; you turned back to Hotch, whose gaze never left you. 

  
  


“I understand why you did what you did,” He said, his voice showing little to no emotion, “As your boss, I commend you for stepping up to the plate.” There was a pause; you were waiting on a _ but _ .

“But,” You asked, your voice raspy from the smoke. The EMT moved back into the ambulance, typing into his tablet. 

“But,” He said, “As someone who cares  _ deeply _ for you, that was incredibly stupid.” You heard a trace of pain in his voice as his voice trembled at the last part. You pinched your brows, feeling incredibly guilty now. Hearing him hurt like this about you broke a part of you. 

“I’m sorry,” You said, just above a whisper. The EMT returning with oxygen, placing the nose cannula around you. You instantly felt relief from your breathlessness, but your heart ached to see Aaron this distraught. 

“We’ll deal with this later,” He said, beginning to turn. 

“Later?”

“After work,” He confirmed. Whatever he had planned was to be spoken of  _ after  _ work,  _ not _ as your boss.

You let out a shaky breath as you saw him walk away back to the team. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Alright, what did you all think? Let me know in the comments! Suggestions for storylines that you hope to see, also always helpful! I love to add a little for everyone! Can’t promise I will make it fit, but I will try my hardest <3
> 
> Also...side-note. I feel like I never really introduced myself, which is kinda funny. My name is Kiley, but you can call me Ki! I am a 21-year-old senior in college studying business administration. I am also a writer for a magazine and a few websites! In my free time, I like to ogle over Aaron Hotchner ; ) I’d love to get to know you all more; feel free to PM or comment : )


	18. Chapter Eighteen: Have you no idea that you're in deep? I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! I just wanted to say THANK YOU for 3k, now almost 4k overnight!!
> 
> I am SO grateful for you all. I went through a tough year last year; I am immunocompromised, so COVID is really scary and dangerous for someone compromised like me; I have been in almost total isolation since last March. Besides writing for the magazine and websites I work for, I work part-time as a florist when I am not in school. It was such a meaningful part of my life, and I had to quit my job due to the risk of catching COVID. All of 2020, up until I found the CM fandom, I was kind of moping around miserably. I missed my friends; I missed my life. I had to come to the terms that I needed a new ‘life’ or routine until things got safe. So having the fandom and being able to write has been quite literally a sanity/lifesaver. I am so grateful for you all and your support. 
> 
> It has also been so lovely to share part of my story as a victim of emotional and physical abuse in a romantic relationship through this fic; it means a lot to have the support on that, too! I have had years of therapy trying to cope with it, but living with PTSD from a relationship, many little things ‘trigger’ you, and I feel like that is a very REAL thing people go through. I want Y/N to be able to show sides of a character that are not always seen. Trauma, health problems, etc. 
> 
> Anywho! Thank YOU! <3 Here is 18!

The weight of the actions that had happened in the last  _ twenty-four? Forty-eight _ ? Hours laid heavy on you as you sat in your standard set on the jet back. You picked at your fingers anxiously. 

Hotch sat across from you in his typical seat, deep in paperwork. The sigh you couldn’t strain from escaping your lips lifted his head to look at you. 

“We’ll talk when we get back,” He whispered, the rest of the team asleep or headphones on. It was like he could  _ read _ your mind. You exhaled, feeling lighter as you did.

“Are we there yet,” You said playfully, reaching a smile from him. 

“Soon enough,” He said, looking back down to his paperwork. You noted the file’s size, knowing the two of you couldn’t talk until he finished all of it.

“Here,” You reached your hand out, “Let me help.” He frowned, which you replied with a  _ ‘come on _ ’ look. 

He handed you a stack of paperwork, sighing. You smirked as you began filling out all of it. The two of you worked diligently through the remainder of the flight. You both were practically finished with all of it when you landed. 

Entering the bullpen, everyone split to their desks and offices. You walked over to yours, sighing as you sat down. You looked up to see Hotch do the same in his office. You figured now was as good of a time as any; standing up, you started walking towards his office. 

“Gonna give him shit for what happened with Beth,” JJ smirked at you, the team having no hint of anything that happened after the night at the bar. 

You scoffed a laugh, “Something like that,” You smiled. 

“Well, good luck,” She smiled, picking up her bags. 

“Have a good night, Jayje,” You waved, walking up the stairs. 

“Night, Y/N.”

You walked to his door, which was slightly open. You knocked before entering. 

“Y/N,” Hotch’s voice perked, seeing you walk in. 

“Hey,” You smiled softly, walking to sit across from his desk, “I figured now’s as good of a time as ever,” You let out a nervous laugh.

“You’re right,” Hotch said, closing his file; a soft look peered on his face. There was a tense pause, waiting for someone to open up first. 

You picked again at your nails; the cuticles around your nailbeds were raw from your nervous habit. You opened your mouth to speak, then immediately shut it. 

“Okay,” You breathed, your eyes focused on your hands, now folded, on your lap.

“Okay,” He repeated; your eyes were too busy avoiding contact, you didn’t notice the small smirk on his face. 

“If we do this,” You looked up, “Whatever that may be,” You gestured between the two of you, “I can’t have you trying to be some white knight saving me from my problems, okay?” 

He continued to listen, seeing you the speech you had was not over. 

“My health issues are quite literally and physically... _ a pain _ ,” You said, “And the last time I let someone in, they used that as a weakness against me. I made it my mission never to tell anyone I dated again about it. I haven’t changed the way I live my life, nor should I have to.”

“I understand,” Hotch said, his voice was gentle - encouraging you to continue. 

Your hands fidgeted more, “And that’s the other thing,” You took a deep breath, “I promised I would never let myself get involved with someone with the chance of getting hurt like that again.”

Hotch’s heart pinched; he  _ never _ , ever wanted to hurt you. Never.

“I am absolutely terrified,” Your voice cracked with emotion, “I am so terrified, but I want you. And wanting you outweighs being terrified of the whole thing.”

“I don’t want you to be terrified,” He began, “I-”

“You can’t promise me that you won’t hurt me,” You interrupted, “You can’t promise that there will come a day and you will be uninterested, or my stubborn personality is too much to handle,” You let out a breath, “You can’t promise anything.”

“Okay,” He nodded, “But I can promise that I will never hurt you like he did,” He said, his face stern, his words bled with guarantee, “And I can also promise to make sure I show you that every day`, whenever you need it.” 

You felt like the wind was taken out of your sails. How did Hotch know how to say all of the right things at once? How did he know?

“And I would bet money that there will  _ never _ come a day where I find you uninteresting,” A small smile appearing on his lips, “And luckily, I know a thing or two about stubborn personalities, being one myself.” 

You bit your cheek nervously; you were not sure why, maybe it was because it was  _ him _ , but you believed him. You knew Aaron was nothing...absolutely  _ nothing _ like Matt. You knew he was nothing like anyone you’d ever dated. 

Your eyebrows were furrowed, the emotion was written all over your face, and your eyes were glassy. 

“Come here,” Hotch said, pushing his chair back, noting your emotions; he opened his arms for you to embrace him. You got up from your chair and rounded his desk to sit on his lap, wrapping your arms around him. You buried your face in his neck. He squeezed you tightly; you nestled yourself in his touch. 

“I trust you, okay,” You whispered softly into his neck, “It’s just me I don’t trust. I don’t want to mess this up.”   
  


He kissed the side of your head; you brought your head back to look at him now. 

“You’re not going to mess this up, Y/N,” Hotch reassured, “But, for this to work, we need to come to each other, not run?”

Your heart sank, thinking of the night of your graduation, the night you bolted. 

“Okay,” You exhaled, “You have me,” You smiled at him. 

“I do?”

“All of me, okay?”

“Alright,” He hummed, “Good.”

You nestled yourself back into his embrace before reality struck you. You pushed back to look at him again. His hands were still wrapped around you, despite your quick push-back. 

“What about the team,” You stuttered, “Work?”

“Well, nothing’s really going to change,” He said; you frowned at him. “Sure, we will go to Strauss eventually, but I think we should keep this between us for now.” There was a pause as you thought, “Y/N, it’s not like we haven’t been sneaking around stealing glances at each other for the last year; I doubt they will notice anything different; with their antics, it’s probably best to keep it low key with them for now.”

You practically pouted them, “Well, you know what,” You said, his expression quizzical now, “I’m going to make it so difficult for you to get work done, Agent Hotchner,” You laughed, “It will be fun pushing your buttons.” 

You immediately felt his grip tighten on your hip. You swallowed thickly, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, baby.” 

A warmth filled you, shooting straight to between your thighs. Hotch could see your eyes darken; deciding to play with fire, he leaned up and passionately kissed your lips. You practically gasped against his lips, which he returned with a smirk against yours. 

“As much as I would like to have my way with you  _ right _ here against this desk,” He growled; you bit your lip, holding back the shutter you felt beneath your skin, you squeezed your thighs tightly at the thought, “I promised Jack I would drive him to his Aunt’s house.”

You couldn’t help but the twinge of disappointment you felt. Already not wanting to separate, things were so new. 

“Then after,” He said, “I figured you could come to my place or I to your place?” 

You gave a small smile, which he returned, “We can do my place,” you said casually. Hotch couldn’t help but the surprised look on his face, knowing you he assumed you probably were not ready to share your most private and personal space. He remembered each personal touch that he wanted to ask you about the night he was there. 

“Alright,” He nodded, tapping your hip, “Let’s get moving,” he said, pressing one last kiss to your cheek. You hopped off of his lap, rounding around his desk, “Besides,” You paused, turning to look at him with a confused face. “We never went over what happened today at the church.”

He could see the confusion on your face, you knew what you did concerned him, it would bother anyone running into a burning building, but he said things were fine as your boss.

“You acted like a brat today.”

Your eyes grew wide, your breath caught in your throat. You coughed in surprise.

“You did something even knowing it would piss me off,” He said, throwing the words around almost casually in second nature as he packed up his desk. You were still standing there, a little dumbfounded. “Go.” He nodded towards the door, “I’ll meet you at your apartment in about an hour; we’ll deal with this, then.”

You stuttered for a second before closing your mouth, letting out a shaky breath; you turned and left his office.    
  


On your drive home, you didn’t even turn the radio on; you just thought about what ‘dealing’ with it meant. You felt yourself instantly grow wetter thinking about the possibilities if your mind was right. 

Walking up to your apartment, you put yourself down before quickly cleaning up the small amounts of the clutter lying around. Looking at the time, deciding you had enough time to quickly wash the day off of you, you walked to the bathroom throwing your hair up. You figured a cold shower would do you right, anyway, given the thoughts on your car ride home. You hopped in and out of the shower, just in time for Hotch to arrive. You threw on leggings and t-shit.

Hotch knocked on your apartment door, mentally noting how easy it was to get up to your apartment. He would have to remind you of that at a later time. You opened the door, and he took sight of you. He’d never seen you look so  _ relaxed _ . In comfortable clothes, your hair pulled back, showing off your face more than usual. 

“Hi,” You smiled, inviting him in. He made your apartment feel so small. He was so broad and tall, you took a deep breath. 

“Hi,” He said, smiling at you as he walked in, his go-bag in hand, figuring he’d be spending the night here. You shut the door behind him; turning around before you could even say something else, he had you pinned against the door. 

His lips attacked yours, claiming dominance right off the bat. You immediately reached to run your fingers through his hair. You were caught off guard when his hands gripped your wrists, pinning them above your head. 

He nipped at your bottom lip, “Don’t move,” He whispered; you nodded. He raised an eyebrow, waiting for a verbal response. 

  
“Yes,” You swallowed; he raised an eyebrow again, “Yes...yes, _ sir _ .” You felt almost  _ shy _ saying it, but by the satisfied look on his face, that’s precisely what he was aiming for. 

“Good girl,” he said before nipping at your neck. You moaned as he sucked at the sweet spot behind your ear. He stopped immediately. “You were not very good today,” He said, his eyes dark. You gulped, feeling him now tightening the grip on your arms. “You were a brat today, weren’t you?”   
  


You bit your lip, nodding again, “I...I was,” You weren’t sure if you couldn’t get the words out because you were feeling sheepish, or you were incredibly turned on by him taking full control like this. Probably a little bit of both, you thought. 

He removed the grip from your wrists, you not daring to move them from above your head. “Walk over to the bed; I want you to take your clothes off,” His face  _ so  _ serious. 

At first, you couldn’t tell if he was serious or not, wanting to immediately laugh at the uncomfortable new territory, but when his stern glance didn’t falter, you didn’t even try allowing a laugh to slip from your lips. 

You walked over towards your bed; he stayed staring at you by your studio apartment’s entrance. You didn’t break eye contact as you slid your t-shirt over your head,  _ slowly _ . Then you shimmied out of your leggings, which by the way, did leave little to the imagination for starters. You were left in your bra and panties. You decided on the cobalt blue set you had after your shower remembering Aaron’s comment about liking you in blue.

If it were not for the tent in his dress pants, you wouldn’t have notice anything changed in his face as it remained ever so stern. He nodded towards you, motioning to take the rest off. Your eyes never left his as you unclasped the blue bra, revealing your breasts. You then slid your panties down, flicking them to the side with your toe.

Aaron’s jaw tightened; you bit your lip, choosing to reach for the messy bun your hair was pulled too, to take your hair out. 

“Don’t.”

You raised an eyebrow at him and moved your hand from your hair. 

“Keep your hair pulled back.”

Feeling rather imprudent, “Yes, _ sir _ ,” You smirked at him.

“ _ Watch it _ ,” He warned, walking closer to the bed, yet still so far away. You took back your earlier statement about your apartment being small with him in it; it felt much too big with him this far from you. “Lay down,” He ordered. 

You laid atop of your comforter against your pillows, keeping the contact between your eyes. You crossed your legs tightly, needing to feel  _ some _ friction.

He walked to the end of the bed now, looking down at you. He was  _ far _ too overdressed, you thought. 

“Y/N,” His voice husked, “Have you ever touched yourself thinking about me...us together?”

You swallowed thickly, feeling small under his gaze. 

“Answer me.”

“Y-yes.” You stuttered, “Yeah, I have.”

You noticed the satisfied look on his face. “Show me,” He said, “Show me how you touched yourself thinking about us.” 

He  _ knew _ this would be more of a challenge for you than anything, getting out of your own ways to let go and show one of your most vulnerable sides. 

“ _ Aaron,”  _ You said, maybe a plea? Maybe a statement?

“That wasn’t a question,” He snapped, “Touch yourself.”

You let out a shaky exhale as your uncrossed your legs, opening yourself for all of his eyes to see. He broke his stern demeanor when he reached for your knee, slowly caressing it. It was almost a reassurance. He immediately returned to his serious manner, removing his hand from your knee. 

You moved your hands down to your center, you bit your lip hard as you slid your fingers through your slit. You knew you were wet back on your way home. A cocky smirk appeared on his face that you chose to ignore for your own sake. 

You brought your fingers up to your clit; you began circling it in the way you knew worked every time. The only difference from every time, not only were you  _ thinking _ of Aaron, but he was also standing over you watching. 

You shut your eyes as your rhythm increased. A small moan escaped your lips as you continued. It didn’t take long for you to begin to feel the bundle of electricity inside of you. 

“You’re gonna come, aren’t you,” He asked, his voice low but still as steady as ever. You were amazed at his restraint. 

“Y-yeah,” You breathed; your body slowly began twitching the closer you got. 

“Stop,” he ordered, your eyes shot open. He began to undress at an average pace; your chest rose and fell quickly in heavy breathing. After stepping out of his boxers, he hovered over you on the bed, his knees resting between your spread legs. “You’re not going to come until I tell you to, is that clear?”

“Yes, sir,” You nodded quickly, hoping if you obliged that he would let you come sooner than later, given how close you were. 

“Good girl,” He said, pumping his cock a few times; your hand reached for him before he snapped, “Don’t move. Hands above your head.” 

You looked at him, your mouth open; he reached above your head, grasping your wrists with his one, _ large _ hand. With his other hand, he lined himself up to your dripping core. 

“You’re soaked,” He breathed before pushing in slowly, “All for me.” 

“All for you,” You said, more like a moan. 

He took his hand off of your wrists,  _ “Don’t  _ move, or I’ll have to grab my tie, and I won’t tie it lightly,” he warned. You nodded quickly. He then hooked your legs over his hips; your hips were slightly elevated from the mattress, reaching a newfound depth with the angle. You practically sobbed in pleasure as his cock hit your g-spot perfectly. 

He began sliding in and out of you with the perfect tempo. Your hands remained above your head, but you ached to touch him. One of his hands held onto your thigh in a bruising touch, the other moving to your breasts, pleasuring you more. 

You  _ needed _ to touch him; you craved contact,  _ “Please,”  _ You whimpered, his breathing beginning to get rough; he nodded. You quickly leaned forward, tangling your fingers through his gelled locks. He moved his hand from your breast to your jaw. The contact was enough to set you over the edge, “I’m close, Aaron,” You rasped.

“Not yet,” He growled, moving his lips to yours. You moaned into his mouth, trying to hold your orgasm at bay the best you could. You bit on his bottom lip hard, causing a small groan from him. 

The sweat began forming on his forehead; you could tell he was close too. How could he not be after spending fifteen minutes watching someone get themselves off...or almost? You brushed his hair that was matted to his forehead with sweat away, pressing your forehead against his.

His grip tightened on your thigh, you let out a small screech at the painful pleasure. You were  _ sure _ there would be marks there and all over your neck - on top of the ones that were already there. 

You could feel your climax building to the point of no return; there was going to be no holding it back if he continued, “ _ Aaron,”  _ You plead. 

His fingers moved from your face to your clit, circling it in  _ just _ the right way. “Come,” He said, “Let go, baby.” 

And you did.  _ Hard.  _ You let out a loud gasp. Your orgasm blossomed through every nerve in your body, sending electricity through all of your limbs. You had never had an orgasm so powerful in your life, feeling like you honestly might pass out from pure ecstasy. 

The fluttering around him caused him to follow quickly behind you. Groaning into your ear, he let go, filling you. His grip on your thigh loosened, and he practically collapsed on top of you. He stayed there, his weight on top of you for a moment, before he began to push himself off you. 

You gripped his shoulder blade, encouraging him to stay. The weight of him on top of you was comforting. As  _ dead _ as you felt, you drew lazy lines on his back, feeling goosebumps rise on his skin. He kissed the side of your head softly before then getting up, walking to the bathroom.

He brought back a warm washcloth, cleaning you of both of your messes. It wasn’t less awkward than it was the first time he did it; you still blushed at the gesture. He threw the cloth in the hamper before walking over to his bag that he dropped somewhere between walking in and pushing you against the door. 

He slid into pajama bottoms, carrying a white t-shirt with him as he walked back to the bed. You were still lying limp on top of the blankets. 

“Here,” he passed you the shirt, “your apartments freezing; you should put this on.”

You smiled, taking the shirt, “I like it cold; I sleep better when it’s freezing.” You threw the t-shirt on over your head, and you couldn’t help but notice the tiny smirk on his lips, seeing you in his shirt. 

You then moved back, pulling down the covers before sliding under. You pulled back Aaron’s side; he turned off the light and then got in, tugging you close the moment his body laid beside you. 

You nuzzled your head into his chest, much like the two of you slept last night. You kissing his bare chest, humming in content. 

“That was….really good,” You let out a small laugh, “Like really good.” 

He laughed against your hair, kissing it before speaking, “It was for me too,” He smiled against your head. 

You hummed again, beginning to feel sleep weigh heavy against you. You smiled; you never thought you would find something like this. From this moment on, you were determined to just  _ trust _ .

“Hey,” You whispered, hearing Aaron’s breathing even out, sleep beginning to take over him too.

“Hm?”

“I’m really happy.” You whispered to him, “I never thought I could feel like this again.”

He hummed contently against your hair, kissing the top of your head twice before squeezing you tightly against him. 

“Good,” He said, “I never thought I could feel like this again, either.” He admitted. You had never thought about that, all that he went through losing his wife, the mother of his child. His high school sweetheart, that he could have hesitations too. “I’m really happy, too, Y/N.”

That night the two of you slept soundly against each other; the only sound filling the room was the even breathing between the both of you. You were starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, things would go right this time for you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ahhhhhhh Dom!Hotch Dom!Hotch Dom!Hotch! What’d you think? I can’t wait to show more dom!Hotch and sub!y/n. 
> 
> As always leave your thoughts below! And follow me on TikTok if you haven’t already! (ssa.ki99)


	19. Chapter Nineteen: Can I be close to you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I am back with Chapter Nineteen. I was so anxious about writing this one because there is no angst, there is no smut, just fluff. Something my love-deprived heart worried about writing, nevermind, I feared it would bore you guys. With the help of a few of my awesome friends on here, I was able to get my act together and write a chapter I actually really love. It is sweet, but not in a way that’s unrealistic, ya know? 
> 
> Someone said in the comments that Hotch and Y/N’s love-language is touch. I couldn’t agree more. They speak a lot to each other, but at the end of the say when one or the other is hurting or struggling, it’s the hand to be held or soft touches that really settle them! I’m so happy you guys are picking up on that.
> 
> Lastly, I kinda had an epiphany with this story while writing the end; I have a CLEAR direction on where this story is going and ends. All I’m going to say is it doesn’t sound like anything I have read in a fic before! 
> 
> TW: Mentions of sexual activities; no smut, sorry lovelies. Next chapter. 

There are little things in life that make you feel so alive. This morning, it was the sun glaring in, blanketing you in its warmth. You hummed, feeling the strong arms around you. You sighed, stretching your legs. Aaron was still sound asleep around you; you had about fifteen minutes until your alarms went off. 

You closed your eyes, feeling content. You could stay like this all day. Somewhere between then and the next fifteen minutes, you drifted off again, only to be woken by the sound of an alarm, followed by a pair of lips trailing over your jaw. 

“Good Morning,” You let out a small laugh as his morning stubble tickles your neck. 

“A good morning indeed,” He said, pulling away to look at you. He looked cute like this - his hair a little disheveled, the beginnings of facial hair appearing on his face. You smiled, reaching up to caress his cheek.

“Do we have to go,” You dramatically pouted; he laughed. Aaron pushed himself off the bed and started walking towards the bathroom; you sat up and asked again, “You’re the boss; can’t we just skip today?” 

He ignored your question; you could hear him fumbling around in your bathroom. “Do you have an extra toothbrush?”

“Bottom drawer,” You called towards him, “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Thanks,” He said, “And no, we can’t miss today.” You pouted again, but he couldn’t see it as he was in the bathroom. You heard the sink running, so you sighed and decided you better get up and start your day too. 

You walked into the bathroom, reaching over for your toothbrush, you began brushing. The two of you standing there, side-by-side, toothbrushes in hand, it felt very…. _ domestic _ . You cringed in your mind at the cheesy thought and pushed it aside. 

Aaron turned to you after putting his brush down. You could feel his eyes on you as you finished brushing. You turned, raising an eyebrow at him, “What,” You mumbled with the toothbrush in your mouth.

“I just like you in my shirt, that’s all,” He shrugged, beginning to walk out of the bathroom. You let out a content sigh, “And the marks I left for you on your neck doesn’t look half bad with it either,” He peered his head back into the bathroom, and you almost threw your toothbrush at him before turning to the mirror, pushing yourself up on your toes more to see. You were met with several purple and red marks all-around your neck. They looked strikingly dark cast against the white t-shirt you were wearing. 

“Goddammit,” You cursed before leaning down to your sink, washing your face.

You reached for the moisturizer sitting on the shelf next to the mirror. You looked back in the mirror as you applied the moisturizer to your face, shaking your head. You reached for your makeup bag and squeezed out as much concealer as you could, covering all of the dark spots. You fixed your face as well, applying a little blush, lipgloss, and mascara. You brushed out your hair, pulling it out of the bun. Having it twisted back all night gave you bouncy waves that looked like you spent an hour on. 

You exited the bathroom to find Aaron almost fully dressed; dress pants and shirt were on. 

“You look nice,” You smiled, walking to your closet, pulling out a blouse and black jeans. 

“I wear this every day,” He laughed. 

You threw his t-shirt over your head, baring yourself in front of him. You couldn’t help but notice his jaw tighten. You pursed your lips, avoiding a cocky smile as you put your bra and underwear on.

“Yeah, well, I never got to say it before,” You shrugged, slipping into your jeans. 

He nodded, “Might’ve saved some time if you did.”

“I suppose,” You laughed, buttoning your blouse, “I normally would say leave the tie off, keep these unbuttoned,” You gestured to his chest, walking towards him, “ _ But _ , you don’t look much better than I do,  _ sir _ ,” You couldn’t help but giggle. Still, the giggling was cut short by him firmly gripping you and pulling you into a kiss. 

“If we had more time, we’d be dealing with this now,” He breathed in your ear. It instantly sent goosebumps across your skin. He could feel your body tense under his touch. Deciding not to start something neither of you could finish, he placed a soft kiss on your lips before letting go, “Coffee?”

You let out a disappointed sigh, returning a small chuckle from him, “C’mon,” You said, both of you walking towards the kitchen. “You can help yourself to anything if you’re hungry,” You gestured to the cabinets and fridge before turning the coffee pot on, “If we had more time,  _ not only _ would I have asked for a repeat of last night, but I would have shown you one of my famous omelets for breakfast.” 

He laughed at the first part of your statement, “I have to agree with you on the first part, but now I’m  _ intrigued  _ about this famous omelet.” 

“Mhm,” You said, taking down two to-go cups from your cabinet, “I don’t mean to pat myself on the back or anything, but I  _ am _ an excellent cook.”

“Are _ you _ ,” He raised an eyebrow at you, “I wouldn’t have guessed that about you,” he said, opening your fridge, “Especially considering how little you have here,” He laughed. 

You laughed, pouring both of your coffees, “Well, my boss has me busy ninety percent of the time, the other ten percent I usually am too tired to cook, nevermind a whole meal for one person.” 

“Your boss sounds like a jerk,” Aaron teased; you laughed, passing him his cup. 

“He’s pretty hot; good to look at, so can’t complain too much,” You shrugged, reaching in the fridge for milk. He laughed, taking a sip of his coffee. 

You reached for yours and sipped, your eyes not leaving his. It wasn’t a heated glare, more a tender one. You smiled over the lip of your cup. Realizing you almost forgot to take your medication, you put the cup down, “You’re a distraction, you know that, don’t you?”

He laughed, watching you walk back over to your bedside table. You reached in the drawer pulling out numerous amounts of bottles, “I don’t know  _ what _ you’re talking about.” He watched as you walked back over with about a half dozen pills in your hand. He knew they were all for your health, sometimes watching you function so well, he forgot that there was this internal struggle you were always battling. 

You threw back the pills with your coffee like it was nothing. Aaron gave you a soft smile; you frowned, “ _ Don’t.”  _

“What?”

“Don’t give me that pity look,” You shook your head, “I don’t want that,” You swallowed, “This is my regular, and if you’re gonna be around me, it has to be yours too. I take medication daily to keep me functioning. And I work pretty well.”

“I’m not pitying you,” He shook his head, walking towards you, wrapping his arms around your waist, “Quite the opposite, actually.” Your face softened; he leaned down and kissed the top of your forehead, “You just amaze me, that’s all.” He kissed you once more. You smiled, reaching up to kiss him on the lips tenderly. 

“We have to get going,” You sighed. Aaron nodded, breaking the embrace to put his tie on. You watched as he looped it on with such ease. You came from a family where the only times you saw people in a suit and tie was at a funeral. It was still not something you were used to seeing on the regular.

He threw on his jacket as well, walking back over to you as you sip your coffee. 

“I think if we leave now, we can drive in together, and nobody will notice,” He said, “If you want, of course.”

As someone who  _ hated _ driving, your face practically lit up, “Thank god, I hate driving. I would  _ love _ to.”

“I know you do,” He laughed, throwing his arm around you, “Good, I am happy to.”

You grabbed the rest of your things, as did he, and you both made it out the door. He drove with one hand on the wheel and one on your lap. You couldn’t help but trace his large knuckles with your finger. 

“I was thinking,” He said; you looked up from your lazy circles on his hand, watching him speak as his eyes scanned the road ahead, “Maybe tonight we could go out? Jack’s still with Jessica, his aunt. His grandfather, Haley’s dad, recently moved in with Jess; Jack’s been liking spending time with him.” 

“That’s nice,” You smiled, “I was really close with my grandparents growing up, it meant a lot to me, and I know it meant five times more to them.” He looked over quickly with a smile before returning to the road. “As for tonight,” You said, “As nice as going out sounds, I was thinking…”

He raised an eyebrow at you, taking his eyes off the road again for a split second. 

“I could make us dinner,” You suggested, “I don’t know,” You stumbled, “Like not in a weird fifties housewife way, cause I’m so far from that, don’t even get me started on that-”

“That sounds nice,” Aaron interrupted your ramblings, “And of course I wouldn’t think it’s some fifties housewife thing, Y/N.” He chuckled, “You’re like the definition of a strong, independent woman.”

You blushed, “Okay,” you smiled. Aaron squeezed your thigh reassuringly. 

“Besides,” he said, pulling into Quantico’s parking garage, “You had me hooked earlier, hearing you talk about how much of an incredible cook you were.”

“And baker, I must add,” You teased. He laughed. He was smiling ear to ear. You could see the little lines that appeared near his eyes when he smiled that big from your angle. You felt privileged, knowing there were far and few people who have seen Aaron like that. 

He parked, the two of you got out. Not recognizing any of your coworker’s cars, you knew you both were in the clear. You had a few more moments before  _ Aaron  _ became  _ Hotch _ again. 

  
  


Your day with the BAU was pretty uneventful. Hotch was pulled in and out of meetings periodically throughout the day, where the team caught up on paperwork. It was probably for the best given how new this thing was between the two of you that you had some space. You were not sure you could hide the looks on your face today otherwise.

Whatever this was… you thought long and hard. There was no label? The thought of one made it scary. The idea of it being  _ real _ made your heart skip a beat. Things were fun now; without a label, you didn’t have to worry about heartbreak, right? 

You sighed, leaning back in your chair, your mind getting the best of you. 

“Oh my god,” Emily gasped; you practically jumped. You turned to her desk with furrowed brows. 

“What?”

“Y/N, what’s that on your neck!”

Instinctively your reached for your neck, confused. You were sure you covered all of the marks, Aaron -  _ Hotch, he is Hotch at work, don’t slip up _ , you thought to yourself. You thought you were in the clear.

“Are those hickeys,” Emily walked over, brushing your hair aside examining the marks. You pulled back from her touch. “These  _ are _ hickeys.” 

Just the  _ word _ hickey had Morgan’s ears pointing up. He jumped out of his chair, walking over to Emily and you. 

“Did I hear hickey?” 

“Yeah, Y/N, has one,” Emily scoffed, “And by the weird color on her neck, she covered more with makeup,” she laughed. 

You looked annoyed at both of them, rolling your eyes at their prodding.

“What’d Hotch finally give up that hard-ass act he’s been giving you ever since your graduation,” Morgan asked. 

“No,” You said, almost too quickly, “No, I met someone.”

“You met someone,” Emily asked.

“Yeah, my neighbor, she’s got a son not too much older than me,” You lied through your teeth, “We went on a date, then he came back to my place, and you know,” You gestured to your neck. 

“It must’ve been good; I haven’t seen you throw Hotch one death look all day,” Morgan laughed, “You two almost seemed cordial towards one another this morning before his meeting.” 

“It is what it is,”  _ It really was what it was, _ you thought, “We have to work together,” You shrugged, “Besides, it seems he still has something for Beth from what I’ve heard,” You lied, _ again _ . Beth was halfway across the world, not a thought in either of your minds the last three days. 

“Well, I’m happy for you, kid,” Morgan patted your back, “Hope this thing works out for you and this guy. Either way, I’m just happy you and Hotch can maybe get back to whatever you had before. It will be nice not to see you both walk on eggshells wanting to scream at one another.” 

You laughed; you were undoubtedly grateful for that as well. 

“I hope if things work out more, we can get the girls together and hear  _ all _ the details,” Emily winked, “Clearly, it had to be good to leave that much evidence.” 

“Yeah,” You smiled bashfully, “It was.”

“What was good?”

Your conversation was interrupted by Hotch, who had just returned from his meeting - files in hand. You immediately blushed, mentally giving Derek and Emily an inch because in their true fashion, you give them that inch, and they take it a mile. 

“Y/N’s dating this new guy,” Emily said casually, trying to hold back the laugh you could so see she wanted to let out.  _ Oh, you have no idea, Em,  _ you thought.

“Really,” Hotch raised an eyebrow, bowing his head towards you in your seat, “That’s good, Y/N. I’m happy for you.” 

“Thank you, sir,” You were playing with fire now, but this whole conversation had you as tense as an elastic band about to snap. Emily and Derek clearly were not looking at him as he sent you a glare that you  _ knew _ was for you and you only. 

“Well, I need to go file this paperwork,” Hotch gestured to his office, “Next time, you might want to cover your neck, Y/N. Just a suggestion from a coworker to a coworker.”  _ The smug bastard _ , you thought. 

Derek scoffed a laugh; Hotch retreated to his office. “I’m surprised he didn’t have a fit,” Derek sighed, “I thought the guy had it bad for you.” He shrugged, picking up his belongings. 

Emily, doing the same at her desk, chimed in, “Yeah, I would’ve thought the same thing, honestly, Y/N.” 

“You guys are crazy,” You laughed, opening up another file. Knowing Hotch was your ride, you didn’t want him to feel you were waiting around for him. 

“You’re not leaving,” Emily asked, walking past your desk. 

“Uh,” You shook your head, no, “Not yet, I have some stuff still to go over about the case the other day. Running into burning buildings adds up the extra files, ya know?” 

“Well, I suppose I’ll see you Monday then?”

“See you Monday, Em,” You smiled, “Night, Derek.”

“Night, kid,” He pats your back once more as he and Emily walked out for the night. The rest of the team following slowly behind them. JJ next, quickly running out saying she had a big movie night with the kids. Rossi, not far behind, left, saying he had a big weekend planned with one of his ex-wives. It sounded more unconventional than it was; it was  _ Rossi,  _ to be fair. Finally, Penelope and Spencer had some show recording tonight about something you had  _ zero _ ideas about.

When the coast was clear, you pushed yourself out of your chair and walked up to Hotch’s office. The door was still open, but you knocked anyway to get his attention. 

“There she is,” he perked, “You ready to get out of here?”

You smiled, “Yeah, that sounds great,” You nodded, “For what I have planned tonight to wow you with my cooking skills, I’m gonna need to stop at a grocery store.” 

He laughed, standing up from his chair, placing his file in his briefcase, “You  _ already  _ wow me in more ways than just one.” 

“You just always know the right things to say, don’t you, Hotchner?”

He winked at you, then picked up his briefcase, walking over towards you. He wrapped his arm around you, and you both walked out of the building to his car. 

Hotch drove to the nearest grocery store, the two of you walked in.  _ Again _ , you couldn’t help but feel your heart skip at the thought of how domestic this whole thing felt. 

You grabbed a cart and began perusing the grocery store together. You had the recipe memorized by heart. It was one of your favorite meals, nevermind anyone you ever served it to tended to fall in love with the meal as well.

“How can you just remember all of this,” Hotch asked; you continued to throw grocery after grocery into the cart. 

“Just one of my many powers,” You joked, “Shoot, I need wine for the recipe.”

“I have wine,” He said, “Besides, looking at your kitchen, it doesn’t seem like an ideal space to cook a meal,” laughing, you rolled your eyes. 

“Leave my shoebox alone,” You said, “Fine, then I’m all set; let’s check out.” 

Hotch  _ insisted _ on paying for the groceries, despite your protests. He kept saying if you were cooking, he was paying.

The drive to his house was short; you did enjoy him caressing your thigh the entire ride. It was soothing; you couldn’t think about anything but that when he did it. 

Your dinner was reasonably straightforward, to you, maybe not to others. It didn’t take too long to make; Hotch sat at his island, watching you with a glass of wine. You, sipping yours between every few steps. 

“So  _ what  _ are you making,” Hotch asked, “It smells incredible.”

You smiled, turning around from the pan you were cooking the dredged chicken in. “Chicken Francaise, it’s an Italian-American pasta dish, witch chicken, topped with a white wine sauce.” 

He looked at you quite impressed already, “You’ve already wowed me.” 

You chuckled, turning back to mix the pasta, “My dad’s a chef,” You said, “It didn’t pay the bills, but it was something he was passionate about.” You shrugged, turning the stove off. You took the pasta to drain the water in the sink. 

“I didn’t know that,” Hotch said, watching you. 

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Aaron,” You smiled. It wasn’t a bad thing, but just some more opening up to do—layer by layer. 

You began plating the food; Hotch moved to the table, where he had set two place settings for you both. 

You brought both plates over; his eyes lit up at how delicious it looked. 

“Thank you,” He smiled up to you; you sat across from him. “I hope I’ll be able to know more about you, Y/N.” 

You smiled, “I hope so too,” You said too. Hotch lifted his wine glass, and you both clinked your glasses together.

“This is  _ incredible,”  _ He said through bites. 

You laughed, “So, I’ve wowed you?” 

“Beyond wowed.” 

“Good,” You nodded, taking a sip of your wine, “I take requests, too.” 

He laughed, “Good to know.” 

After dinner was cleaned, the two of you moved to the couch. Both of you were on your third glass of wine, feeling the warm comfort from its effects. 

You were snuggled into his side, your shoes now kicked off, tucked under you on the couch. You hummed in content. 

“This is nice,” You said, “Really nice.”

He chuckled, pressing a kiss to your head, “Yeah, it is.” There was a short pause, the two of you just enjoying each other’s company in the dimly lit living room. “Y/N?”

“Hm?” 

“I want to know you,” Hotch said, “Every little thing.” 

You looked up to him with a smile, you pressed a soft kiss onto his lips, pulling away, “You will. With whatever we have going on here,” You gestured between you two, “Of course you will.”

“What  _ is _ it we have going on here?” 

Your heart sank in your stomach. You knew the moment it was labeled, it was  _ real _ . 

“I’m sure in your mind the moment we put some sort of definition on what this is, it gets scary,”  _ Damn, him,  _ you thought. Was he a mind reader? 

You let out a shaky breath, sitting up before putting the glass of wine to your lips, downing it in one gulp. That caused a chuckle to come out of Hotch’s mouth. You placed your empty glass on the table next to his full one. 

Hotch caressed your arm, sitting up now as well. You turned to look at him; the look in his eyes was gentle and trusting. It was so... _ him _ . Of course, he was gentle. Of course, you could trust him. And you knew he meant everything he said. He was not a man to go back on his word. 

“I want to be with you, Y/N,” He said, “Like really be with you.” He paused, his eyes grabbing ahold of yours with his tender gaze. “I know you’re scared, no matter how much I tell you not to be,” He grabbed ahold of both of your hands, “But I want you to know that I want this. I want to be with you...and only you. But I also understand if you need time.”

You swallowed, your gaze never breaking his. Tears began to well in your eyes. You suddenly felt emotional. He saw the glassiness in your sight, squeezing your hands earnestly. 

“I understand if you need time to decide if this is something you  _ really _ want. I understand if this is something you don’t want. But know, I want you more than anything.” He gave you a small smile, “I want you to make the right choice for you. I want you to be happy.”

A tear finally broke the damn, sliding down your cheek, you rushed to wipe it away. How did he know how to say all of the right things? 

And then you had this thought; was this all normal? Is this what a relationship is supposed to be like? No pain. No worry. Trust, understanding, love.

_ Love? _

_ Love. _

_ Love.  _

You swallowed at your realization, not ready to speak those words yet, but knowing and accepting it was confirmation enough. 

You stood, taking his hands in yours, “I want to be with you too,” You sniffled, looking down at him on the couch. You nodded, “I want to do this.” 

The biggest grin appeared on his face - the lines by his eyes that only you saw, and his dimples more prominent than ever. He pulled you down to his lap and kissed you eagerly. Your hands went to the side of his face, holding it as you kissed him back with just as much passion.

Everything felt  _ right _ . 

  
The only thought you had left in your brain was,  _ where has he been all my life?  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: AHHHH, what’d you guys think? I live for all of your exciting comments; my face lights up every time I see a notification from you guys. 
> 
> As always, follow me on Tumblr (thesmileykiley) and/or TikTok (ssa.ki99) if you haven’t already! 
> 
> Love you guys! Until the next chapter. 


	20. Chapter Twenty: Give me shelter, or show me heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, loves! Here is chapter twenty!!! Starting to get somewhere with these two; I am just warning, though, there will be some angst soon. But as I keep saying: HAPPY ENDING! 
> 
> THANK YOU for 4k on this story on Wattpad and 3k on Ao3! I love talking to you all on here, tik tok, and Tumblr!
> 
> Enjoy Chapter 20!
> 
> TW: Sexual Content; blow job, fingering, choking, kinda fluffy smut (don’t worry, we’ll get to more kinky stuff soon ;) ) 

_ You stood, taking his hands in yours, “I want to be with you too,” You sniffled, looking down at him on the couch. You nodded, “I want to do this.”  _

_ The biggest grin appeared on his face - the lines by his eyes that only you saw, and his dimples more prominent than ever. He pulled you down to his lap and kissed you eagerly. Your hands went to the side of his face, holding it as you kissed him back with just as much passion. _

_ Everything felt right.  _

_   
_ _ The only thought you had left in your brain was, where has he been all my life?  _

  
  


You sat down on his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck. The kiss was passionate—more than passionate. It was _ intense _ . Your lips were telling a story of love to one another. The kiss became more heated over time. Your tongues clashing together in passion. 

You could feel Hotch’s fingers gripping your jaw like his life depended on it -Like you would slip through his fingers. You could feel the want beneath every touch. Your grip against him tightened. 

“Take me to bed, Aaron,” You whispered against his lips. It didn’t take long before he had you lifted swiftly in his arms, carrying you bridal-style towards the bedroom. 

Your mind wandered to thinking about how he carried up those stairs with such ease. Your lips not leaving one another until he laid you gently on the bed. 

Hovering above you, your teeth both clashed through the kiss. You both pulled back laughing. You felt so joyful - So free. You threw your head back into the mattress, laughing gleefully. His lips attacked your jaw, nipping their way down to the crook of your neck. Your playful laughing quickly turned into soft moans as he kissed all of the right spots on your neck. 

Your fingers reached down under his shirt. You could feel his muscles tighten as your cold hands touched his warm skin. You pulled at the hem of his shirt, signaling him to take it off. 

Pulling back from the kiss, you knelt on your elbows, watching him take his shirt off. Your legs wrapped around his hips, tugging him back down to you. You moaned again as his mouth attacked yours once more. You couldn’t help but grind into him, which caused a small groan from him.

You separated from the kiss, Aaron’s eyes furrowing, wondering what you were doing. You reached for your blouse, taking it off as well. 

“We’re wearing far too many clothes,” You laughed, reaching for your bra. You unsnapped the clasps, revealing your chest to him.

His fingers reached to the hem of your pants, tugging them down your legs, leaving you only in your panties. He didn’t waste any time ripping those off too. 

You pushed yourself off of the bed before his lips reached yours again. You knelt on the floor, him turning to face you. You looked up through your eyelashes at him. A look that he captured for memory. A look that could make him fall apart right then right now if he really let himself. 

You bit your lip, reaching for the buckle of his belt. You swiftly undid it, then the button of his pants, dragging them down his muscular legs. Leaving him in his boxers, you caressed him through them. He groaned, which made you bite down on your lip harder. Slowly, at an agonizing pace, you dragged his boxers down, revealing his  _ very  _ hard cock. 

It didn’t take long for you to stroke it with one hand, your gaze never leaving his. He threw his head back, entirely at your mercy. You pushed yourself up, your mouth at level with his cock. Teasingly, you pressed a kiss to the tip of him. You heard a hiss come from his lips. 

You couldn’t help but smile as you then trailed your tongue up the shaft of his cock, feeling him literally shutter beneath you. You then wrapped your mouth around him, slowly taking him inch by inch, as far as you could. 

. 

_ “Fuck _ ,” He hissed between his teeth as you practically had him in the back of your throat. Tears began to form in your eyes as you suppress your gag reflex. You bobbed your head up and down, hollowing your cheeks as you did. His hands made it to your hair, tightening with each movement. 

You brought him  _ really _ far in your mouth, practically hitting the back of your throat. He moaned, tightening your hair so hard that you whimpered against his cock. The vibrations of your noise almost setting him over the edge. He pulled back harshly, removing your mouth from his cock. 

You rubbed your pussy against your legs as you knelt there in arousal. Swollen lips, you looked up to Aaron with tear-filled eyes, watching. 

“I want you to come in my mouth,” You said, licking your lips. Aaron’s eyes grew wide; before he could even process what you said, you had him engulfed by your mouth and tongue once more. 

You pulled back, your tongue just swirling the tip of his cock, your eyes stuck with his. You worked him with your mouth and hand. Your hand trailed to his balls, caressing him softly, which practically sent him over the edge as you slowly brought him to the back of your throat. 

You could feel his cock begin to twitch inside of your mouth, quickly filling it with a salty, bitter taste. He groaned, finishing inside of your mouth, before falling back to sit on the bed behind him. 

He looked spent; you looked up, hooded eyes and darkened lips. Swallowing, you didn’t break eye-contact with him. 

Aaron’s eyes grew darker again; he stood quickly, lifting you up by the sides of your arms, practically throwing you onto the bed beside where he was just sitting. 

He stood at the end of the bed where your legs dangled off of. Aaron’s knee pushed your legs apart, then he began trailing his lips against your inner thigh. You couldn’t help but squirm underneath his touch.

“ _ Aaron,”  _ Your voice whispered; his lips got closer and closer to your core before his fingers parted your wet folds. You waited for him to say something smug about how wet you were for him, but he didn’t. He just looked up to you with something in his eyes. 

  
_ Adoration?  _

You were unsure. 

You squirmed again under his stare; his fingers began to move through your folds, catching more wetness at your core. He teasingly dipped the tip of his finger into you. You arched your back, him getting the picture, he slid the rest in. Aaron added a second...then a third finger - Filling you completely. 

You moaned loudly, your hand reaching up to hold your mouth shut. 

He reached up with his free hand, removing your hand from your mouth, “I want to hear you, baby,” He husked. 

You rocked against his fingers; he began curling them in the most pleasuring motion. You were close already. Letting go of your emotions, the build-up, the foreplay...all of it becoming too much. You quickly felt yourself tightening within. 

“Don’t hold back, Y/N.”

He quickened his pace, curling his fingers with more pressure against the bundle of nerves internally. 

Your hands instinctively reached for the sheets, white-knuckled, you gripped them. Aaron seeing you about to come undone, he clasped his mouth against your clit, receiving….a sob from your lips. You threw your head back as that set you over the edge. Your orgasm began rippling over you, each limb becoming spaghetti as it took over you.

Your eyes were pinched shut, the overwhelming sensation happing within you. You felt Aaron’s hand brushing your hair from your forehead, kissing your nose as he did so. You looked up to him with hooded, spent eyes before reaching for a kiss. 

You hooked your leg around his hip, bringing him closer to you again. 

“You’re  _ insatiable _ ,” Aaron laughed against your lips. You reached down, stroking him, getting him fully hard again. 

You bit his bottom lip as he settled between your legs on the bed. You lined him up with your wet center, which caused him to harden fully. He groaned as he slowly began to slide in. 

“I don’t hear you complaining,” You teased, grinding your hips forward. 

He took a shaky breath in at the movement, “Nope,” He said tightly, “No complaining here.” 

“Good,” You reached up, wrapping your arm around his neck, the other hand around his back, pulling him down for a kiss.

It took no time for him to fall into the rhythm, pumping in and out of you quickly. You gripped the back of his neck tightly, your nails clawing his back with your other hand. Your moans filled the room. The pleasure too immense; you didn’t even bother trying to stop it. 

“Are you gonna come again,” He breathed, pulling away. His gaze dark but never faltering. 

You moaned again, your eyes closed tight. 

“Look at me,” Aaron demanded, “Look.”

Your eyes popped open, meeting his darkened stare. You bit your lip. The sweat formed on his forehead as he breathed heavily, in and out of you. 

His hand reached up to your throat, your eyes grew wide. He leaned down, kissing your forehead before tightening his grip around your throat. You moaned…. _ loudly. _ He squeezed it not too tight, but enough that the pressure constricting you was enough to have your orgasm alone.

It wasn’t far behind that you tumbled over the edge once more. You gripped Aaron like your line of life. You came quickly and hard. His hand never leaving your throat, only loosening. 

  
  


He let go of your neck, quickly burying his face into your neck, nipping as he spilled inside of you. 

The two of you laid there for minutes as you both caught your breath. You lazily drew lines up and down Aaron’s back as you both came to. He kissed your neck once more before looking you in the eyes. His eyes were tired but soft. Tender.

“I feel...sticky,” You laughed, he smiled. 

“Let’s get up and shower,” He kissed you once more before pulling out of you and pushing himself up. He got off the bed; you did the same. 

You followed him into the master bathroom. Your eyes wide, almost gawking, at the vast jacuzzi bathtub that sat beside the shower. 

“We should take a bath instead,” Your voice perked. He looked back to you with almost a frown, which you returned with a pout. 

“A bath?”

“Yeah,” You smiled softly, “It will be...romantic.” 

“Romantic,” He repeated, sighing, “Do I really come off as a guy who takes baths,” he chuckled.

“ _ Pleaaasssee,”  _ You begged with your best puppy dog expression, which he replied with a forfeiting one. 

“Fine,” He huffed, walking towards the tub, running it. 

“It will be nice,” You smiled, “Trust me.” 

He looked at you with a smirk as the faucet filled the large tub. He left it running as he walked out of the room.

“Where are you going?”

“You said you wanted romance,” He said like it was apparent, “I’m going to give you romance.”

You furrowed your brows, listening to him dress and then walk downstairs. 

You shrugged to yourself before made work of quickly cleaning yourself with a tissue as you felt it drip down your legs. 

You threw it in the trashcan before Aaron returned with several candles in hand.

You raised an eyebrow at him as he placed them around the rim of the bathtub, lighting them. 

“You’re really a softie, aren’t you, Hotchner,” You teased, and he threw you a  _ ‘come on _ ’ glare. “Just admit it. You are.”

He stood, walking towards you. Aaron leaned down, his lips brushed against yours like you were glass. He pulled away and smiled down at you with sincerity. 

“Let’s go,” he said, turning back to the bathtub, turning the faucet off. 

You toed the water, feeling the perfect temperature; you slid in, sighing at the comfortable feeling against your muscles. 

Aaron walked towards the bathroom light, turning it off, leaving only the candles’ dim light to surround you both. He sighed, giving up whatever control he felt he had, slipping in behind you in the bath.

You looked back, a soft smile on your lips. Aaron couldn’t help but notice the light in your eyes; he leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to your lips before you leaned back, resting your head against his chest. 

Aaron sighed, feeling content. He caressed your arm under the water. The two of you feeling tranquil. 

Nothing was spoken in the next hour. The only words were touches that said more than anything could. There was a gentle nature between the two of you, one that could only be there when two people trusted each other willingly. 

“Let’s go to bed,” Aaron said, tapping your arm; you hummed, already half asleep in his arms there. He stood up first, stepping out of the bath, reaching for a towel. Aaron then reached down to you, helping you up and out of the tub. He wrapped the towel around you, kissing the top of your head before grabbing one of his own. 

He drained the tub and put out all of the candles. You both walked back towards the bedroom. He opened the dresser, taking out pajamas for himself. 

“Can I have one of your shirts,” You asked, softly.

Aaron looked back and smiled, “Here,” He handed you a soft t-shirt. You could tell the t-shirt was old worn it was. You slipped it over your head, placing the towel in the hamper. You hummed at the coziness around you, feeling surrounded by his t-shirt. Though large on you, it was more than comfortable. 

After he was dressed in a t-shirt and boxers, the two of you crawled into bed. The smell of the clean linen sheets filled your nostrils. You inhaled deeply as you snuggled into his arms. 

“I’m really happy that you want this,” Aaron hummed. 

You chuckled softly, squeezing the arm you had around him tighter, “I am too, Aaron.” There was a short pause before your never-ending mind went running, “We have to talk about work. Strauss. The Team.” 

“Mhm,” Aaron said sleepily; you could tell he was half-listening as slumber began to take over him; you looked up and saw how peaceful his face looked. “T’morrow,” He said, the words falling off his lips slowly as he dozed. 

You smiled, closing your eyes, but sleep not taking over you. You reviewed the night’s events, feeling happy. Content. There was one thing you were stuck on. The realization you had when you realized you wanted this. 

_ Love. _

You loved him.   
  


You  _ loved  _ him.

How could you not? He was everything. He was strong, safe, caring... _ great _ in bed. Everything and anything in between, he was. 

You exhaled, your inner demon’s voices, quiet, but still there. In your head, you realized that if you admitted this love, if it was reciprocated, then it would hurt all the more when it ended. 

You wished you believed good things like this wouldn’t come to an end, but you always felt they did in some way or another. But with Aaron? For some reason, you couldn’t picture life without him. 

He’d been a constant for almost two years now. For months he’d been the first thought in your head in the morning and the last at night. You ached, thinking something like that would end. 

Maybe it would be your health that would drive him away? Would it become too much? 

But no. You argued with yourself. The battle between the back and forth continued in your head. A small tear slipped through your eye. You were glad you could hear the even breathing from him; you knew he’d question your every thought. He knew you too well. He probably would already know what you were fighting yourself with. 

You sniffled, shifting so you could look at his face. You smiled as another tear or two dropped. Your heart pinched; you didn’t want to imagine a night or day without him. You didn’t want to sabotage yourself in this relationship. You  _ loved _ him. 

At that moment, you realized  _ loving _ him was better than any fear. Loving was more confirmation than doubts of failure.  _ Loving _ was greater than pain. It outweighed it all... _ Love _ outweighed it all.

You were not ready to speak those words in the bright daylight where he could hear and respond. That was a mission for another time, but while he laid there peacefully sleeping. There was no worry on his face. You looked up, leaning your chin on his chest.

“Aaron, I think I love you.”

You whispered the words into the night, his breathing and posture never changing. Despite the signs, Aaron laid there awake, eyes closed. He felt you sigh and sniffle at your own thoughts. Aaron listened to you battle through them, your thoughts so loud it kept him awake, notwithstanding his best efforts. He listened to you whisper the secret into the darkroom. 

_ I love you, too, _ he wanted to say. He knew you weren’t ready for that, and he respected that. 

He wanted to say all of these things...all of these promises, but he knew with you the simple, one step at a time approach was best. And for that, he was grateful. He was grateful you allowed yourself to be open with him. He never would have thought in a million years, especially after your graduation party, that you would be here with him. Nevermind saying those three words that touched him so. 

The two of you dozed off peacefully. Morning came soon, the sunlight blaring into the room, basking you in its glow. You yawned before realizing the bed was empty beside you. Your hand felt beside you, feeling it was cold. 

You got up, walking out of the bedroom, hearing noise downstairs. The smell of food filled your nostrils, you hummed. 

You walked to the bathroom finding the spare toothbrush he left out for you, and brushed your teeth. You washed your face with water and combed your hair lightly. Making yourself look the best you can for just waking up, you threw on a pair of his sweatpants you found in his room, even though  _ far _ too large, you tightened the drawstring before walking downstairs. 

He looked over to you from the stove, where you saw him scrambling eggs. 

“Good morning,” Aaron smiled, “I figured I’d make breakfast.”

You smiled, “It smells yummy,” you walked over to him, wrapping your arms around his waist as he continued to cook. He hugged you with his free arm as he continued to cook with the other. 

The two of you ate eggs, bacon, and toast together, along with coffee at the table. It was Saturday, so you both were thrilled that there was  _ no _ rush to get back to the BAU. 

  
  


You brought your coffee to your lips, sipping the delicious warmth before you were interrupted.

“Favorite color,” Aaron said out of nowhere. 

You raised an eyebrow at him, “Um, blue probably,” You put your coffee down, “Why?”

He took a bite of his breakfast, “I told you I wanted to know you better, figured that was a start.” 

You laughed, “What about you?”

“I’d have to say blue or red.”

“Of course,” You nodded, “The  _ only _ colors of ties you own.”

“Not true,” He argued, tilting his head towards you. 

“Okay, fine,” You said, “The only colors of ties I  _ see _ you wear. You must save the pink ones for when I’m not there or special meetings with Stauss or something.” 

He laughed, “Yeah, I’ll be sure to wear the one with red hearts on it the day we go in and break the news to her about us someday,” He teased; you just rolled your eyes.

“How do you think she’ll take it?” 

“Like she always takes news,” He scoffed, taking a sip of his coffee, “She’ll probably throw in her opinion on how it’s bad for the team, how it’s bad for both of our careers, but on a professional level really not have a problem with it. She just adds her unnecessary comments.” 

You laughed, “Yeah, that sounds like her.” 

“You know the originally hired Prentiss so Strauss could get dirt on me,” He said, you furrowed your brows, “The woman and I have never gotten along.” 

“That’s cause she probably knows you could do her job better than anyone. Even herself.”

He gave you a half-smile before changing the subject, asking you many other random questions. The two of you went back and forth from favorite TV Show to favorite food. 

“Aaron, what is this twenty question?”

“C’mon, favorite book?” 

Breakfast was long over at this point, the two of you sitting there finishing the remains of your coffee.

You sighed, “The Great Gatsby,” You said, “Honestly anything by Fitzgerald.” 

“Hm,” Aaron said.

“What,” You raised an eyebrow. 

“Nothing,” He said, “You just had a lot of nonfiction I noticed when I was in your apartment. Poetry...biographies. I am just surprised, that’s all.”

You shrugged, looking down to your now empty cup, “I dunno, I think it’s an important message for life. I read it when I was a teenager for the first time, it stuck with me ever since. Money can’t buy love or happiness and your past never really leaves you, does it?”

Aaron watched as you grew passionate, talking about the book. One he probably read through once as a chore in High School, many moons ago. Much before you read it. He watched the light in your eyes as you really cared about what you were saying.

“Gatsby is the definition of ‘fake it till you make it,’ and even then, he gets killed,” You laughed, rolling your eyes, “It’s this charming story that ends in tragedy. Shows us that even the most beautiful things aren’t perfect.” 

“I suppose that’s true,” Aaron Hummed, “You’re pretty close to perfect, I would say though, as you are one of the most beautiful things,” He shrugged. 

“Aren’t you the charmer?”

“I try,” He laughed, standing up, grabbing both of your plates, walking towards the dishwasher, “So, I was thinking…”

“Yeah,” You looked up; he put the plates in the dishwasher before returning to his seat. 

“I have to pick Jack up from his aunt’s at noon,” He said; you felt a tad sad that your day would have to end, “But I don’t really want you to leave, so I thought you could spend the day with us.”    
  


If you were  _ not _ a kid’s person, you would have run for the hills. A widowed, single-father asking his new girlfriend to spend the day with him and his son? Terrifying to most. But compared to all of your commitment and abandonment issues? It was easy-peasy. 

“Of course, only if you wanted,” He added, a little hesitant, asking.

“I’d love to,” You smiled, “I’m not sure he’ll remember me from that Christmas party at the BAU almost a year ago, but either way, it will be fun.” 

“Yeah,” He asked, a surprised look on his face; he almost looked excited. 

“Yeah,” You smiled, reaching for his hand across the table, giving it a squeeze. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: What did you guys think!? I felt we needed some soft smut, given they kinda just bared themselves to each other a little bit last chapter. But as I said above, more dom!hotch soon. Smut takes up a considerable chunk of chapters, so I am trying to balance development with smut! 
> 
> Comment what you thought!! 
> 
> As always, check out my TikTok (ssa.ki99) and Tumblr (thesmileykiley)


	21. Chapter Twenty-One: You made me lose my self-control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you all so, so much for 5k! This is just so wild to me that this story that I have been writing in my free time for my enjoyment has been viewed over 5 thousand times. It’s just mindblowing! So, thank you. Thank you for opening this story and believing in it. 
> 
> TW: SMUT. Hand Restraints, blindfolds, Dom!Hotch, Sub!Y/N, sad aftercare, mentions of sexual abuse. 

After breakfast, Hotch dropped you off at your apartment on his way to pick up Jack. You had a few things you needed to get done and figured getting ready for your day wouldn’t be too bad of an idea either. 

You took your medication, noting to yourself to refill your go-bags supply. You had been so distracted the last week by Hotch that you were off your game. 

You opted for a soft cardigan with a blouse and jeans. Simple makeup and hair. Given, you wanted to make sure you have Hotch time with his son; you decided baking your favorite recipe wouldn’t be such a bad idea. What kid didn’t like chocolate chip cookies? 

Quickly, you whipped up a batch of cookies from scratch. You took the last sheet out of the oven, inhaling the comforting smell of fresh baked goods in your apartment. You plated them once they were cooked and made your way out the door. 

You decided to stop for coffee, picking up an extra one for Hotch. Just the way he liked it - Black. 

Returning to their house, you knocked three times at the door. Hotch opened with a smile on his face. The TV’s sound from the other room was blaring with some cartoon; you smiled, raising handing him his coffee. He took the coffee, “Thank you,” he said, then eyed the cookies wrapped in your hands. 

“Who doesn’t like cookies?”

He smiled, gesturing for you to come in, placing a kiss on your head as you slid by him. 

“You look nice,” Hotch smiled, “You smell good too,” He breathed your hair, walking behind you, placing another kiss on your head. You turned to face him.

“Thank you,” You smiled, “Where can I put the cookies?”

“Here,” he took the cookies, “You didn’t have to.” He brought them to the kitchen, and you followed. 

“I wanted to.”

“Well,  _ thank you _ ,” He smiled, “Jack’s in the living room,” he said, walking towards the other room; you followed. 

“Hey, Jack,” Hotch said, “You remember, Y/N, right?”

Jack’s eyes peered up from the floor where he was sitting in front of the TV, “Yes, you brought those really yummy cupcakes to the Christmas party at dad’s work, right?”

You chuckled, “Yeah, that was me,” You said, “It’s nice to see you again, Jack.”

Hotch took a seat on the couch behind Jack; you sat next to him. Jack turned around to face you both. You were sitting comfortably close, closer than coworkers would sit. You figured Hotch must’ve given Jack a head’s up.

“So you’re gonna spend the day with us,” Jack asked. 

“Yeah,” You smiled, “If that’s okay with you, of course.”

“It will be fun,” Jack smiled, “Dad and I had plans to build this model airplane my grandpa got me. Maybe you could help?” 

“I’d love to.”

“You ever built a model airplane before,” Hotch asked, wrapping his arm around you behind the couch. 

“No,” You laughed softly, “I was more of an art and coloring type of kid growing up.” 

“Really,” Jack asked, “I love sketching! I want to make a comic book someday!”

“Wow, that sound’s incredible,” You said, grinning at Jack, “I love drawing; I was able to draw my nephew a book with cartoons for his last birthday. Had it printed in hardcover and everything, I’d be happy to help you make one someday.”

“That would be so cool,” Jack said with excitement, “Dad, can we do that today instead?”

Hotch laughed, nodded, “Sure,” he smiled, taking his arm off your shoulders, looking towards you, “Only if that’s okay with Y/N.”

“Of course,” You nodded, “I haven’t been able to draw in so long; this will be fun.”   
  


“Let’s go,” Jack rushed up, walking to the other room. Hotch managed to sneak a quick kiss on your lips before tapping your leg, getting up. 

The three of you settled at their kitchen table. Jack didn’t have a lot of art supplies, just essential markers and pencils. You noted next time you’d bring over some of your stuff. You and Jack dove right into drawing up this superhero comic. Hotch watched, claiming multiple times he was not good at drawing.

You made sure to put in a quick dig about how you figured because there were times you could barely read his handwriting on reports; he rolled his eyes. Jack laughed. 

Jack told you the storyline; you wrote out the outline. You planned scenes; he would draw one page, you the next. 

Hotch watched you draw with ease, seeing this second hand natured talent he’d never seen before with you come alive. You drew with such grace, and he couldn’t help but notice how intrigued and entertained Jack was. 

“What’s the best way to draw a skyscraper,” Jack asked you. You stopped your drawing, looking at him. 

“Here,” you gestured for a blank piece of paper, “Start with a rectangle. Then add windows, which can be smaller rectangles and squares. Add some detail at the top; they’re not always squared at the top. Sometimes some have points or are angled kinda like a triangle.” You drew an example for Jack to see; he nodded, “I bet  _ even _ your dad could draw that.” 

Hotch raised an eyebrow at you; you passed him a piece of paper, “Here, make yourself useful. Draw some skyscrapers for our superhero to fly off of.” 

He rolled his eyes, taking the pencil and paper. Despite his protests, he gave in and drew the best he could. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, complimenting him on his efforts. 

The three of you had a fun-filled day of laughs and smiles. Hotch couldn’t remember the last time he saw Jack have  _ such  _ a fun day at home. He sometimes wondered if Jack always wanted to go to his friend’s house or his aunt’s because of the feeling he got in this big, empty house? The place that Haley’s laugh used to fill long ago? The home where they returned despite the trauma. 

The house didn’t seem so empty when it was filled with you and Jack’s laughs. It didn’t feel so cold when there was someone there to make jokes. It was nice to make new memories. 

Hotch walked you to the door at the end of the night. He offered you to stay, but you figured being the first day you had with Jack, maybe to wait. Hotch understood. 

“I had a nice day,” You smiled up to him, “You raised a really great kid, Aaron.”

Hotch smiled, “Thank you,” he leaned down, kissing you softly, “I had a really great day, too.”   
  


“Good,” You smiled, “I’ll talk to you later?”

“Sure,” He nodded, opening the door for you, “I’ll call you once Jack is in bed.”

“Sounds like a plan, Hotchner.”

You drove home with a smile on your face; as you thought about your day, it was possibly the first day filled without doubts. You felt confident about your relationship; you felt comfortable.

Your night ended with the promised phone call from Hotch, the two of you talking till the late hours of the night. 

“Favorite movie,” he asked, continuing his game from this morning. 

You laughed, “Little Miss Sunshine.” 

“Never seen it.” 

“It’s a movie about this dysfunctional family. The mom; overworked, the dad’s in denial, the uncle is suicidal, the brother is mute, the grandfather dies of a drug overdose, and the daughter has dreams bigger than all of them.” 

“Sound’s like a charmer,” He joked, laughing through the phone.

“It’s hilarious, sad at times, but just... _ real _ , ya know?”

“I suppose,” Hotch hummed; the two of you went back and forth with questions. You eventually moved to your bed, yawning. 

“My turn,” You said, looking up to your ceiling as you suddenly felt brazen with a phone between your ears. 

“Hm?”

“Favorite sexual position,” You swore you heard him choke through the line. You laughed. “Kidding.”

“Don’t start something you can’t finish, Y/N.”

“Who said I couldn’t finish,” You continued to tease. You could just  _ picture _ Aaron’s jaw tightening on the other end. 

“Come over,” He said, his tone stern, but you thought he was teasing.

“Yeah, yeah,” You laughed. 

“No,” He demanded, “Come over. Now.”

“Aaron, it’s,” You pulled your phone back, looking at the time, “Two in the morning.”

  
“I don’t care,” He said, “You want to start something, finish it.”

“Fine,” You sighed, getting up, “I’ll be over in a few.”

“See you then.”

You drove in your pajamas on the empty streets to Hotch’s house. You tried to stop yourself from yawning the whole way, knowing he was most likely going to tire you out in other ways. 

Arriving, you then stepped out of the car. Hotch was already at the door when you arrived, drawing you in swiftly, closing the door behind you. He immediately pressed you against the door, his lips attacking yours. He slid his tongue in your mouth eagerly, flicking yours along the way. 

_ “Aaron,”  _ You moaned, suddenly you were more awake than ever. 

“I won’t tolerate being teased,” He growled, nipping now at your neck, “Especially through a phone where I can’t see you myself.”

Deciding to play with fire, you moaned, “You never answered my question.”

He stretched your t-shirt’s collar down your shoulder, biting it  _ hard _ , letting out a tiny screech from you.

“I want to know, Aaron,” You breathed, almost a whisper. His mouth was continuing to bite and trail from your shoulder to your collarbone. He left marks everywhere he touched, some darker than others. 

“You on top of me, under me,  _ anything  _ with you around me,” He husked against your skin, his voice sending vibrations over your skin. Your nerves felt like they were on fire. 

That alone could’ve sent you over the edge, “ _ Fuck, _ Aaron, please.”

He lifted you, his lips returning to yours, you wrapped your legs around his waist. He walked you both up the stairs to his bedroom. You saw the sheets were already pulled back in the corner of your eyes, realizing he was probably ready for bed when your insatiable self questioned him. 

He unceremoniously dropped you to the bed, you gasping from the quick fall. He made work of your clothes, ripping your shirt and shorts off, leaving you in just your panties, which he  _ quite literally  _ ripped. 

“Aaron,” Your voice almost scolding as he threw the torn fabric to the floor. 

“That’s what you get for teasing,” He said, his lips returning to yours. You moaned against his mouth, his tongue dancing with yours. 

He pulled away; you couldn’t  _ help _ but gasp at the loss of contact. He smirked, walking away from the bed to his closet. You furrowed your brows, leaning up on your elbows. 

You heard him shuffling around in the walk-in closet for a moment before he returned with two of his ties, a mischievous look on his face as he walked back towards the bed. 

“Sit up,” He said; you listened. He dropped one tie on the bed, taking the other and wrapping it around your head, covering your eyes. 

Suddenly your sight was dark, leaving you with only four other senses to feel. You felt your body become more and more ridged. You felt Hotch’s breath on your skin more so than before, leaving trailing goosebumps. 

“Lay down,” Hotch said, the deepness in his voice rippling through you. You heard and felt him join you on the bed. He reached for both of your wrists with each hand, stretching them above your head. 

Your breathing began to race as you felt him tie your wrists together with the other tie. You felt him get off the bed and shuffle around, leaving you there laying, feeling very  _ exposed.  _

So caught up in the overwhelming feeling of senses around you, you gasped, feeling his touch, which felt like fire against your skin, pushing your legs apart. He grabbed you by your legs and pulled you, so your ass was at the end of the bed. 

“You’re so wet, and I haven’t even touched you yet,” He hummed; you could feel his breath against your hot center. Hotch teasingly drew his thick finger up your slit; you bit your lip down on your lip, knowing his son was just down the hall. “As much as I love to hear you, baby, keep it down, or I’ll grab another scarf and stick it in your mouth.”

You swallowed, nodding. You know you couldn’t see Hotch, but he could see you. 

He slid his thick finger into you; you almost drew blood, biting down on your lip. He began to pump the singular finger in and out of you, feeling your body vibrate around him. He slowly added a second, stretching you for him. 

“You don’t get to come till I let you, okay?”

“Okay,” You nodded breathlessly. 

He quickened his pace, knowing all too well that you were about to come undone around his fingers; he stopped quickly. 

You couldn’t help but hear the little chuckle that drew from his lips as he removed his fingers, and you cried a small protest. 

Your senses were all on high alert, more so now, being this aroused. Every touch felt like a mark across your skin. Your hearing felt supersonic; you could hear him move up the bed close to where your head laid. He parted your lips with his wet fingers, encouraging you to lick them. 

You twirled your tongue across the tip of his finger, tasting your bitter self. Even though you couldn’t  _ see _ Hotch’s face, you had a good guess what type of expression would be on it from the soft groan that came from his lips as you sucked. 

  
  


_ “Fuck,”  _ Hotch groaned, a small smirk appeared on your lips. He quickly removed his fingers from your mouth, gripping your jaw, “Do you think this is funny?”   
  


You swallowed, shaking your head, “No,” You stuttered, “No, sir.”

“Good,” He lightened his touch; you then felt his soft lips on yours. The kiss was gentle, teasing almost. 

You weren’t sure how, but you sensed him very close to your body. It only made you want him more. He traced up your stomach across your left breast, then your right. You trembled under the light touch. 

_ “Aaron _ ,” You breathed, “Please,” practically begging, squirming under each soft brush across your skin. You pulled against the knot tying your wrists together—the pressure, sure to leave marks. You moaned softly, biting your bottom lip again. You tasted a metallic taste in your mouth; it was about time; you’d been biting your lip all night trying to avoid being loud. 

“What do you want?”

Your favorite question. You had so many answers to it, for all different occasions. 

You opened your mouth, shutting it fast, trying to catch yourself. 

“You,” you moaned; you thought about the dream you had the night before this whole thing started. You writhed more, needing his touch now. Things were past wanting. 

“Well, you have me, baby,” He was by your ear now, nipping at your lobe. You squirmed again, pulling more at the tie on your wrists. You wished you could see him right now. You sighed, “Come on, what do you want?”

He wanted you to use your words, get over that hump of embarrassment, pride. You felt so small under the gaze you knew was there, but you couldn’t see it. There didn’t need to be any of that here. You sighed again, giving up all control at once. 

“I want you to fuck me,” You said, “I want you inside of me, Aaron.  _ Please. _ ” You felt if he didn’t fuck you right then and now, you might spontaneously combust. The tension was becoming too much—all of it becoming too much; the restraints, the blindfold, the teasing. You needed him right now. 

He kissed your jaw, trailing to your lips, “Good girl,” he kissed again, “Wasn’t so hard, was it?”

It wasn’t long until he helped move you more on the bed, placing himself between your thighs. You felt yourself vibrating with anticipation. You inhaled sharply, feeling him line himself up with your core. You must have missed him taking his clothes off from the time he blindfolded you to now. 

You thought he was going to tease you like that for who knows how achingly long? Instead, he instantly entered you, you gasping for air that he took from your lungs. He covered your mouth with his and kissed you deeply as he stayed seated inside of you. Wrapping your legs around his hips, you pushed him even further into you, feeling a rumble from his chest—a small groan. 

He began moving with ease, you practically throwing your head back in bliss. Your wrists felt raw as they rubbed against the tie over and over. It didn’t take long for you to feel close to the edge of pleasure. The buildup was foreplay enough, turning you on to no end. 

“I’m close,” You breathed against his lips, though the tie was blocking your sight, you could feel the sting of tears in your eyes, pure pleasure and need, “Can I come?”

He didn’t respond, just continued to thrust in and out of you, breathing heavily. You felt one of his hands lift from where it held him on each side of your head to the tie covering your eyes. He swiftly ripped the tie from your face, wide-eyed you looked at him. 

“There,” he breathed heavily, caressing your cheek, “I want to see you.”   
  


You nodded, your breath hitching with every movement. “I’m...I’m-”

  
You couldn’t even get the words out. Words? What words. You couldn’t even form them at the moment. 

  
Hotch cupped your jaw, leaning in for a messy kiss, “Come, Y/N,” and he didn’t have to tell you twice. You tumbled over the edge of ecstasy. You shut your eyes, hard. “No, look at me,” He demanded; you opened, locking eyes with him. The eye contact made the orgasm that more intense. 

You felt the tie around your wrists tighten as you pulled against them as you fell apart. Arguably, the most intense orgasm you’d ever had, Hotch, drove you through your high, not taking long to come behind you. He filled you, huffing a groan as he did. His head collapsed between your breasts, laying there like dead weight. 

You looked down to your chest; you wanted to run your fingers through those dark locks. Hotch must have felt you squirm under him, pulling against the tie subconsciously. He got off of you, reaching up to the tie on your wrists. His eyes didn’t leave yours. He looked  _ tired _ but soft.

Gently, he untied your wrists, his tender touch grazing over each of them before throwing the tie on the floor. His hands returned to one of your wrists, bringing the reddened skin to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to it. You bit your lip again, not in desire, but to hold back the emotions you felt. 

Nobody had ever treated you this  _ gently. _ Your lip began to tremble, thinking of all the times you felt so  _ used _ after you and Matt had sex. Never once did you come. Your wants or needs were not a priority to you. Nevermind if he hurt you during it. He didn’t bother to care. Matt would finish, get up, and walk out of the room, leaving you there feeling empty. 

You couldn’t help it; a small tear trailed down the side of your face. Hotch’s eyes widened at sight in worry. Catching it with his finger, he looked at you with grave concern. 

“Y/N,” He said softly, “What’s wrong, are you hurt?” 

You shook your head, your now free hands reaching to your face to wipe your eyes as more tears fell. Hotch had a sad frown on his face, watching you. He ran his fingers through the hair near your forehead soothingly. 

“Sweetheart,” His voice sounded pained, “What is it?”

You looked away from his gentle gaze, “I’m just not used to...nobody ever,” You shook your head, “Matt never stayed after. He wasn’t easy with me. For the longest time, I just thought it was normal to feel that way.” You took a deep breath, all of this stuff you had never shared with  _ anyone. _ A tremored hand reached for his arm, holding onto it for salvation. “He would get whatever was good out of it, whether that meant him slapping me in the face while he used me, or what.” You rambled, letting out a shaky breath, “He was rough,” You looked back to him, “Not in a good way, not in a way where he ever showed or meant he cared.” 

Hotch’s eyes looked sad as they peered into yours; he had no words. There were no words to make this right. There were no words to excuse or reason why something like that would happen to someone so deserving as you. 

He placed his other hand over yours on his arm. Softly he caressed it, along with the reddened marks on your wrist.

It was then you felt your dam break; you reached up and wrapped your arms around his neck tightly. You didn’t cry anymore; you had cried enough tears for a lifetime over Matt and your traumas. You held onto him, feeling him hold onto you with the same strength. He drew circles on your back, calming you down with every trace. 

The two of you sat there holding each other for a while; it was more meaningful to you than he would ever know. You pulled back and looked him in the eyes. You weren’t ready to say the words, but your eyes said it all  _ \- Love _ . 

He gave you a kind smile, “C’mon, let’s clean you up.” 

The two of you got ready for bed; you put on one of his soft t-shirts again, enjoying the feeling of the soft fabric over your skin. He crawled into bed right after you, shutting the light off right as he did. 

Hotch pulled you closer; you laid your head on his chest. The sound of his heartbeat calmed you against your ear. He combed his fingers through your hair, the sensation sending goosebumps over your skin. 

“Thank you,” You didn’t look up to him, just laid there against him, “Thank you for being you.”

He leaned down, pressing a kiss to the top of your head where he was just running his hands through. He smiled, exhaling as he tried to find the words. 

How to say,  _ ‘I love you,’  _ without saying  _ ‘I love you,’ _ was a tricky thing. 

“Y/N,” Hotch whispered, “What I feel for you,” He sighed, careful with his words, “What I feel for you, Y/N is... _ a lot _ all at once. It’s everything and anything.” He continued to rake through your hair, “It’s fast and consuming at some moments, but others...other’s it’s comfortable and second nature.” 

You lifted your head, looking up at him. You were about to say it all at once. 

_ I love you.  _

_ I love you. _

  1. _Love. You._



_ \-  _ But he interrupted, “The thought of anyone treating you like that makes my blood boil. It makes me….unimaginably angry.” He shook his head, “You deserve to be treated well; you deserve all of the good in the world. I just want to see you happy.” 

Someday’s the deep breath you took, reminding you that love shouldn’t be painful, was more profound than others. Sometimes you needed to convince yourself more than others that what happened to you doesn’t define you. 

You beamed up at him; he returned the smile. Somehow, he took the words right out of your mouth. 

If there was a more poetic way to say,  _ ‘I love you,’ _ he said it. 

“I’m really glad I found you, Hotchner,” You smiled up at him, feeling if you said any more, you’d be in a fit of tears again. 

“I’m really glad I found you, Y/L/N,” He smiled, leaning to kiss you on the lips once more before you settled into a peaceful sleep. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: What did you think!!!!?? Comments and feedback are always appreciated; I love talking with you guys. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Until next time!
> 
> Follow me on TikTok if you haven’t! (ssa.ki99)


	22. Chapter Twenty Two: Bad day, looking for a way home, looking for the great escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, lovelies! Here is fourteen pages of all of the feels. This correlates with the episode “Mr. Scratch”, some dialogue is taken from the episode and/or manipulated to fit featuring Y/N. Emily is there in place of Kate in my story because we love Emily, duh! 
> 
> As I think I mentioned before, this story takes place after Season 7. Y/N joins the BAU around Season 8/9. Being there almost two years now, it would make it around Season 10! 
> 
> This chapter is crucial to what will happen next in our storyline, not a lot of story/character development, but this chapter is vital for the next few!
> 
> Enjoy! Xx

Soft kisses woke you up the next morning. Your body told you it was far too early to be waking up, given how late the two of you were up last night. You blinked your eyes open, seeing Hotch looking down at you with matching tiredness. 

“Good Morning,” He said with a smile. 

“Morning,” You said, yawning. 

“Jack has a soccer game this morning,” He said, brushing the hair out of your face, “I was gonna let you sleep, but I wanted to see you before I left.” 

“That’s sweet,” You said, “I should get going anyway; I kinda forgot to bring anything with me. I rushed out the door so quickly last night.” Hotch laughed, “I keep telling myself I need to keep my medication with me.”

“What happens if you don’t take it?”

“I start to grow _ horns _ ,” You teased, him rolling his eyes at you, wanting you to be serious, “Honestly, I would just be uncomfortable. I usually develop a tremor or get shaky and dizzy. I could get sick in the long run if I continued to forget or not take it.”

“Jeez,” he said, “That’s not good.” 

“Eh,” You said, sitting up, “Is what it is, you know? I’ve learned to live a pretty good life despite all of it.”

You walked to the master bathroom to brush your teeth before changing to leave. You couldn’t help but overhear Hotch softly say, “ _ And, that’s what I love about you _ ,” to himself. Your stomach dropped. His voice was so quiet; he was only talking to himself. You froze, shutting the bathroom door behind you, clasping a hand over your mouth. 

You shook your head in disbelief; you probably heard wrong, you thought. Sighing, you walked to the sink and got ready to leave for the day. 

  
  
  


The next weeks were nothing but blissful. The two of you had a routine down; after work, Hotch would come to your place the nights Jack was with Jess, you would go to his house the nights Jack was home. 

Jack loved it; Hotch loved watching the two of you. He hated to say it, but he never realized how much his son loved drawing and sketching until you came along. He was _ really _ good at it; both you and Hotch mentally noted he must’ve gotten that from Haley, not him. 

Jack didn’t ask many questions about why you were around more. Kids do just know things, though. Jack could feel and see you made his dad happy; you made him happy too. 

Those three words you both knew you felt deeply had not been spoken to either of you, but there were points where it felt mutually understood. It went without saying. 

Everything was easy after work, but at work? The two of you kept slipping up; luckily, nobody noticed. There were days when you would walk in together a  _ little _ late; some of the team would already be there. Thanks to the routine you had, your mornings before work had been a little... _ preoccupied, _ to say the least. Hotch being the lawyer he once was, was able to convince them with ease that you had car trouble. 

To your luck, nobody asked or picked up on anything more. You’d tell them someday, but for now, it was best to keep things to the two of you. 

  
  
  
  


It was a horribly rainy day in Virginia; the thunder was loud and cracking. You always found thunderstorms comforting, but today you felt a little on edge, more anxious. 

Hotch was in the interrogation room with a man being accused of killing his wife. You watched from the one-way mirror as Hotch sat down across the man. 

“Take a deep breath,” Hotch said to the man, “I want you to tell me exactly what happened two nights ago. Don’t leave anything out. Can you do that?”

The man, looking distraught across from Hotch, began to tell detail by detail what happened the night he killed his wife, Tabatha. He told Hotch how everything was fine up until it wasn’t. The lights had gone out, and he smelled sage. 

“Sage,” Hotch asked. 

The man nodded, “Like burning...sage.”

He continued, telling Hotch about what he saw -what caused him to drop to his knees in physical and emotional pain. 

“A shadow monster,” Hotch frowned. 

“Yeah,” The man breathed quietly. 

“...with talons for hands?”

You looked to Rossi, who stood next to you behind the one-way window. He looked just as confused as you did. 

“It sounds just like the other two stories,” You shook your head, “no recollection of the murders.” 

The man described hearing his wife screaming upstairs, only to walk up and find her dead in their bed. The man then talked about how he passed out, and when he woke up, he was in custody. 

“I swear to god, that’s exactly what happened,” He pleaded with Hotch.

“No, it’s not,” Hotch said, not sounding so convinced. 

Hotch began to retell the details of how the man murdered his wife, not without protests from him claiming the scratches on him and a knife found in his hands were from the ‘shadow monster.’ Hotch asked if he had known the other two people with almost identical stories. He showed him the file of the other man and woman who saw a shadowy figure. The man knew neither. 

“Wh-what does this mean,” The man shuddered in disbelief.

“It means that someone found a way to induce a psychotic break in all three of you,” Hotch said, closing the file in front of him. 

The team then met at the round table, throwing around ideas of what this could be. Penelope confirmed nothing tied any of them together, all different economic, racial, and social standings. 

“So if he’s an unsub, he’s not killing, but creating killers. Murder by proxy, if you will,” Rossi said. 

“It’s got to be drugs,” You chimed in, looking up to Hotch. 

“It’s got to be; his story just sounds like a bad trip,” Morgan chimed in. 

“According to the police reports, all three tox screenings came back negative,” Penelope said. 

“They only screen for known compounds; this could be a compound we’ve never seen before,” JJ added. 

“Every drug affects every person differently,” Reid said next, “Somehow this unsub is able to make this drug affect three completely dissimilar people in exactly the same way.” 

“Maybe they’re not dissimilar at all,” Hotch said, looking at you, not Reid, “Maybe the drugs are just the tipping point, and these three share some sort of preexisting mental condition he knows  _ he _ can tap into to induce them to kill.” He paused, looking away from you, looking around the room, “We find that... we find him.”

It was then you all split up to interrogate each suspect with a cognitive interview—JJ and Morgan with the first unsub, Rossi, Emily, and Reid went to the crime scene, and you and Hotch with the woman, Christine. 

Christine looked unstable. Practically rocking in her chair, avoiding direct eye contact. She tapped her temple repeatedly. 

“Christine,” You asked softly, nothing. You looked to Hotch with confusion, then back, “Can you, uh, blink if you understand what I’m saying?”

“Georgia police say that she started being attacked by a...dark figure,” Hotch said quietly to you, “And then stopped and started doing this.” 

“Can you blame her,” You said softly, feeling pained watching the woman. 

The door then opened; Penelope peeked her head in, “Sir, I’m sorry, it’s urgent.” 

“No,” He looked to her, then back to Christine, “It’s alright.” He turned to you, placing the files on the table, “Do what you can.” 

You looked at him helplessly, “Yeah, uh, sure, I’ll just, uh,” You threw your hands out, slightly shrugging. He gave you an apologetic smile then snuck out of the room. 

You really got nowhere with Christine as she just sat there, empty, shaking. It was probably one of the shortest interviews you’d done in your career so far. You couldn’t imagine going through something  _ that _ traumatic that it causes you to act so uncontrollably. 

It wasn’t long until Reid, Emily, and Rossi returned. They, along with Hotch, had more information to bring forth. Garcia told Hotch that all three of the people had been adopted around the same time. Reid, Emily, and Rossi found plastic tubing in the vents. 

“The plastic tested positive for Sevoflurane and Scopolamine, both powerful dissociates,” Reid said, holding up the evidence bag of what they found in the vents, “The first is used to put you into a waking dream; dentists often use it during oral surgery. The second, in high doses, makes you completely suggestible.” 

“And the unsub uses the first to make the victim hallucinate their worst fear,” You said, arms crossed. Cases like these where the unsub attacks giving the victim no control whatsoever made you nervous.

“And he makes the second to make them attack that fear when it’s really the person next to them,” Morgan chimed in, “They don’t realize they’re actually killing someone they love.” 

“And once they do,” Emily started.

“Their lives are ruined forever,” Rossi finished, “Even if they plead insanity, we’ve got three victims who ain’t ever going back to Mayberry.” 

“Let’s go back to the part about hallucinating your worst fear,” Hotch said, “Y/N, what’s your earliest fear from childhood?”

You bit your cheek, “Uh, probably being abandoned by loved ones. Separated from them.” 

Hotch’s eyes lingered on you a moment longer before breaking, “Dave?”

“Lon Chaney, ‘Phantom of the Opera,’ she takes off that mask, forget about it,” Rossi said in a very  _ Rossi _ manner. 

“Emily?” 

“Heights, I guess.” Emily shrugged.

“And yet, each of these victims saw exactly the same thing,” Hotch said; you could see the gears turning in his head. 

You all discussed how each person described the same figure in exact detail. Despite all three of them being from different states, the team suggested maybe they were in a group home at one time together, before their adoption. 

Hotch was deep in thought; you could see that just by knowing him. He thought back to you with Jack; the two of you would draw in such sync. He perked, walking out of the room. 

Hotch instructed each person to draw what they saw. All three the same. The same figure. 

You were interrupted before even being able to continue - Another victim. Adopted around the same time as the others. The victim, Bill, slit his own throat. JJ suggested that maybe it wasn’t the unsub; it was Bill who did that. Paternal instincts kicked in; his son only asleep down the hall; instead of being forced to kill his son, he killed himself. 

After all going back and forth, verbalizing each fact and piece of evidence, you came to a conclusion. Relating the timing back to the day-care sex-abuse hysteria back in the eighties, the team assumed these victims had claims against this unsub when they were three or four. The only way to find out  _ where _ he was, was Christine, who still sat in the same position; rocking and tapping. 

  
  
  
  


“What are you going to do,” You asked before he walked into the room with Christine. 

“The drug the unsub used was scentless; he made it smell like sage,” he said, “I’m going to see if the smell will trigger any memories.”

“Why her, not the others?” 

“The others have it already made up in their mind what happened, the process of believing it is done, but her? She hasn’t processed any of it.”

“Who would’ve thought Penelope’s hippy-dippy stuff would come in handy,” You scoffed a laugh before he walked into the room. You stayed back and watched him through the one-way window. 

It was like she instantaneously snapped out of the trance with the smell of sage. She reverted back to her four-year-old self, almost immediately. Her breathing picked up, despite Hotch’s efforts to comfort her.

“He’s coming,” Christine gasped, “He’s coming!”

The lights began to flicker; you looked up at it confused and then exited, walking instinctively into where Hotch was. 

Christine was uncontrollable. Screaming and clawing her eyes. You looked at her in horror, then looked to Hotch. You jumped as the light above you burst, leaving you in complete darkness. You thought quick, taking your cellphone out and began recording, considering the power was out, and you all needed this evidence. 

Hotch grabbed her arms, trying to console her and keep her from continuing to claw her already bloodied face. “Where’s home, Christine?”

“I can’t,” She cried, “I can’t. He’s coming. He’s coming.” 

“Who is coming,” Hotch repeatedly asked, trying to get something…. _ anything _ . 

“Mr. Scratch,” She sobbed, “He’s already here,” she gasped, looking at Hotch with an almost possessed look in her eyes. 

  
  
  


After calming down Christine to the best of both of you and Hotch’s abilities, the two of you began to walk back. He used the light of his phone to guide you both towards the bullpen, given Quantico was dark, even the generators weren’t working. 

“That was,” You shook your head. 

“I know,” He said, placing a hand on the small of your back as you guys walked further to the bullpen where everyone was. 

Hotch removed his arm when you walked in. Emily was lighting candles; the rest were sitting or pacing helplessly. Hotch filled them in on the interview with Christine; you showed the video you got while Hotch contacted maintenance to see if they could do something about the power. 

“That was something else,” You shook your head, walking over to Reid, “It was like watching a real-life person being possessed.” 

Before he could respond with some fact about possessions or exorcisms, Hotch returned. “Power’s out in the whole building, backup generator too.” 

“This guy’s got some mojo,” Rossi said, sitting on the desk, “He knocked us out right when we got our best lead.” 

“We could cross-reference the name Mr. Scratch over old statements,” Reid suggested. “It would have to be paper files.” 

“We don’t have that kind of time,” You sighed, pacing in a circle. 

“We need to find this guy soon, or we’re looking at more dead bodies and more drugged victims,” Morgan said; no _ shit _ , you thought. 

“Guy’s it’s going to be a lot harder to get online than we think,” Garcia ran out. 

This guy did a really great job of hacking into the systems, wiping out witness protection first and foremost. He was good.  _ Really good _ . Better than Garcia,  _ good _ .

“He’s looking for every kid who’s made an accusation,” Emily said; you nodded. 

With Reid’s brains, you were able to single it down. Someone good enough to work for the NSA would have been recruited because of how  _ dangerously _ good, but too unstable for them to hire. Like a flash, Hotch was walking out of the room, phone to his ear. By the look on his face, you knew this was more serious than you could’ve imagined. 

Peter Lewis, the name Hotch called back with. Garcia was already on it. Peter Lewis’s parents ran the foster home; it was shut down because the father would dress up as the devil and force them to follow suit. You all quickly narrowed down that Lewis was going after Dr. Susannah Regan, who led the trial against his father. She was in Witsec. She was the perfect high-profile target. 

“This could be bad if he gets to her before we do,” You said, standing over Garcia’s phone. Hotch on the other line.

“Could be a murder-suicide, who knows what he’ll do next,” Rossi said. 

“Where is she now,” Hotch asked from the car. 

“Currently residing in Columbia, Maryland,” Garcia said.

“I’m closest; send me the address,” Hotch said; you couldn’t help but feel anxious about him going there without back up. You took a shaky inhale. 

“Sent,” Garcia said; he then hung up. 

  
  
  
  


You were all in limbo now, waiting for Hotch to call you with an update; it had been too long - Nothing from Hotch. He had to have gotten her, right? 

You dialed his phone— _ no answer. _

Your everyday motto was to not panic until there was something to panic about, but right now...you were past panicked. 

“Hotch isn’t answering,” You announced to the team, “We gotta go to her house.” 

“Let’s go,” Rossi said, rounding everyone up, “Keep calling.” 

The car ride to Doctor Regan’s house was achingly long. Your fingers trembled as you continued to press his number on your phone—still, no answer. You were biting your inner cheek raw, the feeling of nerves overcoming you. 

Reid was sitting next to you in the back, Rossi, and Morgan in the front. He looked over to you, and it was like he  _ knew _ . 

He grabbed your hand and squeezed it, “We’ll get him, okay?” 

You weren’t even sure how to respond; Reid wasn’t one for much physical contact, so you knew you were spiraling in front of them. You just nodded before looking back at your phone. 

Your car pulled up behind Hotch’s in the driveway, you all quickly got out, guns were drawn. You took the lead, entering first. You didn’t care about orderly protocols. The house was dark, and your gut feeling  _ knew _ something was wrong. It’s not often your gut feeling is off.

You entered swiftly; before you could even lay eyes on him, Hotch was on the floor shooting at what you assumed was Lewis escaping through the side door. He fell immediately from his kneel. 

“Aaron,” You gasped, running towards him, the others passing you to chase Lewis. You put your gun back in its holster as you knelt down next to him, instantly putting your hands at his sides, steadying him, “We need a medic in here,” you yelled loudly into your earpiece. 

“Take it,” Hotch said to you, shakily passing you his gun, “Take it.” 

His breathing was erratic, his face was bloody, and he was sweating uncontrollably. He looked on the verge of tears or a panic attack. Possibly both. You took the gun and put it in the back of your pants before sitting down closer to him. 

He reached for your hand and gripped it so tightly. You wrapped your arms around him, needing to comfort him in some way. You didn’t care who saw. 

“He...he made me see things,” Hotch trembled; you just hugged him tighter, your hands caressing the back of him, trying to soothe him, “He made me see things.” 

“Okay,” You said softly, “It’s okay.” His breathing quickened more. You just held him from the floor, doing your best. You continued to whisper, “It’s okay, you’re okay.” 

“He’s gone,” Reid rushed in; you didn’t even pull back to look at him, but after those words fell from his mouth, Hotch’s arms instantly wrapped around you so tightly, holding you to him. 

Reid must’ve got the picture and left the room. You two sat there for a moment, “Here, let’s get you up, okay?” 

He let go of you, nodding. You got up, reaching for him by his arm, pulling him up. You walked him over to the chair, and he practically fell in it, his face falling into his hand. You stood beside him, your fingers combing through the back of his hair. 

“He surrendered,” Reid came back with Rossi; your fingers left his hair. 

“Ambulance is on its way,” Rossi said. 

“Good,” you said, entirely missing what Reid said. 

“He surrendered? That doesn’t make sense,” Hotch lifted his head, face in disbelief.

“We need to get you looked at,” Rossi said, and you couldn’t have agreed more.

Hotch stood, “I’m fine,” walking out of the room. 

“No, you’re not; you need to be looked at,” You argued, but your words falling on deaf ears. 

Opening the front door, Hotch walked out. “Hey! This is not a suggestion,” Rossi walked after him. 

You stood there feeling and probably looking like a mess. You looked to Reid, “I’m sorry…” you shook your head, not finding the words.

_ I’m sorry that I am so clearly sleeping with our boss.  _

“You don’t need to apologize,” Reid shrugged, “For what it’s worth? I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who’s picked up on it.” He smiled before walking out as well. 

You walked outside, finding Hotch standing in a trance as he watched the bright lights of the police car drive away. The rest of the team was regrouped by the vehicles; you just stood there next to him. 

“Let’s get you checked out,” You said, but his gaze never left the now empty road where Peter Lewis left from, “Please, for me?”

He looked at you, sighed, and then walked towards the ambulance. You decided to give him his space as they checked him out. Walking back over to the group, you heard some of them asking if they should stay and wait or better to go back and do paperwork with the rest. You understood why because Hotch was not the kind of guy who liked to be hovered over, nevermind worried about by his team. 

“Crazy night, huh, kid,” Morgan said to you as you joined them. 

“Yeah,” You let out an exhausted sigh, “It has been.” 

“I can’t even imagine what he’s going through,” Morgan nodded towards Hotch, who was now sitting in the back of the ambulance. 

“In all my years of knowing Aaron, I’ve never seen him look that disturbed,” Rossi said, shaking his head, “Given all he’s been through, you think nothing would phase him anymore.” 

“Psychological trauma can be far worse to a person than physical trauma,” Reid added. 

“We’ve gotta find out what he knows on Lewis; you knew he has something up his sleeve if he just surrendered that easily,” Morgan said, everyone’s eyes still on Hotch. You couldn’t help but notice the annoyed look on his face as the EMT worked on the cuts on his face. 

“You know he’s not gonna want to talk,” You looked to Morgan. 

“Morgan’s right; we need to know,” Rossi said, “I might be able to talk to him.”

“I have a feeling Y/N might be able to get something out of him,” Reid said subtly. 

“Give it your best shot, kid,” Rossi said, giving you a reassuring pat on the back.

“You guys can head back if you’re all set here. I’ll drive him back in his car,” You nodded towards the vehicle parked in front of theirs.

“Alright,” Morgan nodded, “Good luck.” 

“Thanks,” You smiled. 

The three of them got into the car and drove off. You still held back a moment before walking over to Hotch. You were happy to see he was sipping a bottle of water; at least they were hydrating him. 

You took a deep breath then walked over towards him; he looked up, eyes meeting yours. You’d never seen him look like this before. He looked... _ broken _ . The EMT continued to check out his cuts and lacerations. 

“I’m fine, really,” Hotch argued; the EMT nodded, “Thank you.” 

You walked closer and sat next to him in the back of the ambulance; the two of you just sat there for a moment in silence. You watched as they took out Doctor Reagan’s body in a black bag. You watched the police and detectives move in and out of the house. You saw most of the cars leave, just leaving a few now. 

You got up and walked to the EMT who was standing at the front of the ambulance now, “Is he alright to take home,” You asked.

“Yeah, I’d say so,” The EMT said, “Just a few cuts and bruises, but nothing physically serious. Whatever happened in there seems to have him pretty shaken up, though.” 

You nodded, looking back to Hotch, whose head was down now. “Yeah, I’ll take good care of him,” You offered a soft smile, “Thank you.” 

“Have a good night, Agent.” 

You walked back over to Hotch, softly rubbing his bicep, “Hey, why don’t we head out of here?”

He looked up to you and just nodded, standing up. Your hand protectively went to his elbow to steady him. You knew that he would argue and say he’s fine any other day, but today he was silent. 

The two of you walked to the car, him not even fighting you for driving; he just got into the passenger’s side without protest. You just drove straight to his house, not a word spoken between either of you. He looked lifeless as he watched the lights pass out the window. 

You pulled into his driveway, parking the car. You both got out, and he unlocked the door using the alarm code. You followed him inside, turning on a light in his dark, quiet house. You saw as he dragged himself towards the couch, you stopped him before he sat, softly grabbing his arm. 

“Hey, why don’t we get you cleaned up, okay?”

You figured you would wait to ask him all of these questions you needed on a professional level after he wasn’t sitting in a sweat-soaked shirt with dried blood on his face. 

Upstairs, you ran the shower for him; you dipped your hand behind the curtain to feel the temperature, making sure it was hot enough. You walked back over to Hotch, who was kicking off his shoes. You reached for his tie and started unknotting it for him. He let you make work of the buttons on his shirt before sliding it off, then his dress pants, leaving him there in just his boxers. 

“Do you want me to come in with you,” You looked up to him softly. 

“Yeah,” he breathed, walking towards the shower, taking his boxers off, then stepping in. You stripped out of your clothes that felt like a second skin after the day you’d had. You sometimes used the way you dressed as a shield of armor, picking carefully what you’d wear. Today, none of it felt like enough to protect you from this cruel day. 

You walked into the shower, sliding in behind him, his face up towards the showerhead, letting the water hit him. You wrapped your arms around him from behind, laying your head flat against his back. You kissed the skin where your face pressed. 

He slowly turned, holding your arms as he did so you didn’t break the embrace; he was just facing you now. His arms held you around your waist. He dipped his head low, resting his forehead on your shoulder. Your hand reached up to the back of his neck, running your hands through his short hair. 

There was nothing sexual about the two of you holding each other in the shower. It was emotionally needed; comfort for both of you.

“We’re going to have to talk about it tonight,” You said sadly, “I wish we didn’t, but we have to while it’s still fresh.” 

He looked up, arms still around you. “Not tonight,” he said. 

“We have to,” You nodded, “It was either Rossi or me; we need to be five steps ahead of Lewis. You can start anywhere. The beginning. The end. I don’t care; we just need to know.” 

Hotch sighed, reaching behind him to shut the water off; the two of you walked out of the shower, wrapping yourselves each in a towel. 

You stole one of his shirts and boxers before climbing on the bed, watching as he slid boxers and a t-shirt on as well. 

You pulled his side of the bed’s sheets down, he got in. You leaned on your arm to look at him on your side. You reached to caress his face softly. He just looked up and stared at the ceiling blankly. 

“He,” Hotch started, sighing, “He made me see things.” 

Your touch didn’t let up, continuing to caress the side of his cheek. He reached up, grabbing your hand, and clutched it to his chest tightly. You scooted over, closer to him. 

“I walked in the house, and Doctor Regan was in the study; she slit her throat the second I stepped in,” He said, “All I know is that next I was knocked out, and he sprayed the compound in my face. I woke up and had a good grip on him first. The room was spinning; he sat there in a chair, staring down at me.” He let out a deep sigh, “That was when it started to get worse; I got into his head, I pissed him off. He had the barrel of my gun pressed to my forehead. I showed him no fear, but that seemed to antagonize him more.” 

Your eyes not leaving his face the whole time, even though his eyes were trained on the ceiling, you held your gaze on him. 

“What happened next,” You asked gently. 

“He made me think you guys were there. Reid entered, and I...I saw him shoot him in the head. Then Rossi in the neck. Then Derek. You walked in, and he hid, he let me see you,” He paused, his voice becoming thick with emotion, “Before.” he swallowed, “Before he shot you right in front of me, your blood splattered all over me. You bled out  _ right _ in front of me, and there was nothing,” he stopped, taking in a shaky breath, “nothing I could do.” 

You saw a small tear slip from his eyes. You realized it then, Peter Lewis found his greatest fear. Losing his team... _ losing you _ . He made Hotch live that nightmare.

“Oh, Aaron,” You said softly, “Come here,” you opened your arms, him turning to his side to face you. You wrapped him in your arms, his head on your shoulders; you could feel his breathing against your skin. You kissed him softly on his cheek. “I’m so sorry.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry about, Y/N,” He said quietly, partly muffled by being pressed into you, “I’m just glad it wasn’t real. That you’re real and here and okay.” 

“I’m glad, too,” you said, kissing him once more against his cheek. 

The two of you held each other closer than usual that night, confiding in each other’s touch. You had hoped that this whole case was one you could put behind you. You begged that you could but little did you know, this was just the beginning.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: So…..what’d y’all think?! Feel free to leave comments as always! I love talking with you guys! <3 


	23. Chapter Twenty Three: I keep feeling smaller and smaller, I need my girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all! I am back with my lucky number, 23! I wanted to thank you all again for 6k! I was having a tough day today and it really meant a lot to me to feel so supported by you all. 
> 
> I wanted to just give you guys a heads up that yes, I am incorporating the Mr. Scratch storyline, but the scenes/way things happen might be slightly altered, provided I have different character orders and/or may or may not fit my story. 
> 
> TW: Smut, restraints, orgasm denial, male and female oral sex.   
> Enjoy, lovelies!

You woke up the next morning; Hotch was still sound asleep beside you. You smiled, carefully untangling yourself from him. You unplugged your phone and walked downstairs to give Rossi a call. You knew Hotch needed his rest; work could wait. 

You patted downstairs, feeling the cold hardwood beneath your feet. You made your way to the coffee pot you were now very familiar with, having stayed here enough times over the last short months. Huh, it really has been months, hasn’t it? You thought back to the night of your graduation back in May.  _ June, July, August...wow _ . Isn’t it funny that days bleed into weeks, weeks into months? 

After beginning to brew the coffee, you dialed Rossi’s number.

“Rossi,” He answered, by looking at the time; 8:45, you knew he would have already been at Quantico, if not on his way. 

“Hey, Rossi, it’s me,” You said.

“Hey, Y/N,” Rossi said, “You’re not here; everything alright?” 

“Yeah,” You nodded, though he couldn’t see through the phone, “I stayed with Hotch last night to make sure he was alright; I have a feeling he won’t be in until later.”

Your morning brain began stumbling.  _ Shoot _ . You hoped that came out as platonic and coworkerly as staying with your drugged boss could, but at this point, who cared.

“You’re with Hotch?” 

“Uh, yeah,” You stuttered, “You know, he was pretty shaken up last night. I wanted to get the information from him, but he wasn’t ready when I was gonna leave him last night, so I stayed,” kind of a lie, “On the couch,” definitely a lie. 

You heard Rossi hum.

“What,” You panicked.

“Oh, nothing,” He said, “It was nice of you to stay, that’s all.” 

“O-of course,” You said, “He’s our boss, plus we needed that information.” 

“ _ Plus _ , you needed to know he was okay.”

You paused. Rossi was too smart of a profiler for his good. You bit feverishly at your bottom lip. You had such good intentions calling; you just got so ahead of yourself before you could even process what you were saying. Pre-coffee Y/N should  _ not _ be trusted. The fog of your brain to blame. 

“Y/N, you don’t have to do this whole song and dance,” Rossi said with humor in his tone, “You and I both know that you didn’t sleep on the couch or that this wasn’t the first, nor last, the time you stay with him.” 

_ Caught. Red handed, caught. _

“The whole team has had bets of how long it’d take for the two of you to get together since,” He paused, “God, I don’t know, last spring?” 

“A bet?”

“Yeah,” he laughed, “It’s about time. How long has this been going on anyway?”

“The night he brought Beth to the bar,” You practically sighed, feeling defeated. 

“That was what,” Rossi paused, “Three months ago?”

“Yeah, I guess it was.” 

“Well, I applaud you two for being able to hide it for this long,” He scoffed a laugh, “Anyways, I will let the team know neither of you will be in until later. Let them draw their own conclusions from that in itself.” 

“Thanks, Rossi.”

“I’m happy for you, kiddo.”

“Thanks,” you smiled - the call ending. 

You let out a deep exhale, your little secret not so secretive anymore. You walked over to the coffee pot again, ready to pour a cup. You watched the hot liquid fill your mug as your phone dinged with a text message. 

Looking down, you saw it was not a number you had saved on your phone. You furrowed your brows, unlocking the screen.

**_Unknown Number [8:55AM]: Hi, Y/N. This is Jessica, Jack’s aunt. Aaron gave me your number not too long ago in case of emergencies. I haven’t heard from him; Jack and I are starting to worry a bit. Please let me know. Thanks._ **

In all that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, you hadn’t even asked Hotch if he had contacted her or Jack. 

**_You [8:57AM]: Hi, Jessica! I am so sorry I didn’t think to ask Aaron if he contacted either of you last night. Had a bit of a messy case; Aaron’s fine, but he had a pretty bad night, to say the least. I’ll let him explain more when you both talk. We are both off for the day; I’m sure Aaron will want to get him from school._ **

**_Jessica [9:00AM]: Jack actually has the day off. Teacher workshops. He’s itching to see his dad._ **

**_You [9:01AM]: Bring him on over! Aaron’s still dead asleep, but I was just about to make breakfast._ **

**_Jessica [9:03AM]: You sure?_ **

**_You [9:03AM]: Positive! It will be a good surprise for Aaron, too, when he wakes up. : )_ **

It wasn’t long before Jessica brought Jack home. Jessica was lovely; in the back of your mind, you thought about Hotch giving her your number. Not that you were mad or uncomfortable, but it just seemed... _ permanent. _ Not that you doubted it wasn’t, you merely lived day by day, one moment at a time. 

You pushed your thoughts aside for another time; both you and Jack were assembling breakfast- Eggs, bacon, and french toast. You noticed how self-sufficient Jack was at only eight going on nine years old. 

“You’re pretty good at scrambling those eggs, Jack,” You said, impressed, “I was like you when I was a kid, too.” 

Jack looked up from his bowl, “You were?”

“Yeah,” You smiled at him before looking back to the bacon you were cooking on the stove, “My parents worked a lot, too. I had to take care of my sister and me a lot.” 

“It’s not so bad sometimes,” Jack said, looking back to the eggs he was scrambling with ease for an eight-year-old, “But other times, like last night when I didn’t hear from him, I was really worried.” 

You gave him a sad smile, “Yeah, me too, bud.” 

“What happened? Did one of the bad guys hurt dad?”

You sighed, placing the tongs you were using to flip the bacon on the plate. You turned to Jack, “I’m sure your dad will explain to you more, but yes. He’s okay now, and that’s  _ all _ that matters, okay?”

“Okay,” Jack said, looking back to the eggs, “I think these are ready.” 

“Perfect,” You took the bowl and poured the eggs into the pan. 

Jack and you continued to finish breakfast. Jack set the table, you made more coffee. The french toast was finishing up, and you were leaning your back against the counter, deep in conversation with Jack about his upcoming project at school.

“Hey,” A sleepy voice interrupted your conversations.

“Dad,” Jack said joyfully, running into his Hotch’s arms. 

“Hey, buddy,” He hugged Jack tightly before pulling away and looking down at him, “When did you get here?”

“Aunt Jess messaged Y/N this morning; we were scared cause we didn’t hear from you,” Jack said, “Y/N said you were home for the day.”

Hotch looked up to you with  _ thank you _ in his eyes, then back to Jack, “Yeah, buddy,” Hotch said, “I’m sorry I didn’t call.”

“It’s okay,” Jack said, “Y/N told me that the bad guys were pretty bad last night, but you’re okay, and that’s all that matters.”

Hotch looked back to you again with a small smile, then back to Jack, “Yeah, that’s right.”

“Well, Jack and I have been working really hard on this  _ delicious  _ breakfast,” You smiled to Hotch, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him to the kitchen table, “Sit.” 

“It smells great,” Hotch said, managing to steal a kiss to your temple before he sat. 

The three of you ate breakfast, idle chatter between all of you. It felt so... _ normal _ . Like you’d all done it a dozen times. You could tell Hotch enjoyed it, too. Not only by the look on his face but the eager game of footsy he played under the table. 

  
  


“Would you mind if I used your car to run to my apartment for a bit,” You asked, placing a dish into the dishwasher, “I’ll be back later,” You said, “I have to talk to you about something, but figured it could wait?” 

You smiled, Hotch picking up that it was not a ‘Jack-necessary’ conversation. 

“Okay,” he nodded, “Sounds good.”

“Thank you,” You smiled, closing the dishwasher. You walked over to where Hotch was leaning against the counter. Jack had retreated to the living room, enjoying his day off from school with some television. You wrapped your arms around his neck, leaning in for a kiss. Pulling away, “How are you doing,” You whispered, wanting it to be only you and him who heard it.    
  


He nodded, “I’m alright,” He kissed you softly again, “I’ll be fine.”

“And if you’re not alright, you’d tell me, right?”

“Yes,” he said, giving you a tender smile. He pulled away, “Go, so you can get back.”

You laughed, walking to grab his keys and your shoes. Despite being only dressed in his t-shirt and sweatpants, as comfortable as it was, you knew you should go home and get some real clothes on. He followed you as you made your way towards the door, bidding Jack goodbye, promising to see him later. You couldn’t help but feel it pull at your heartstrings at how eager Jack was for you to come back. Nevermind, how eager _Hotch_ was. 

“You’re not sick of me already, Hotchner,” You smirked, standing in front of the door. 

“I could never get sick of you, Y/N,” he said with sincerity. 

“Good,” You winked, “The feeling’s mutual. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Okay,” He smiled, opening the door for you, letting you out. 

You spent a few hours at home, cleaning yourself and your apartment up. You took your medication feeling how  _ run down _ your body felt. Your muscles ached. Stress always tended to flare your symptoms up. What you felt last night was _ beyond _ stress. You sighed, taking one of your as-needed pain medications, before packing yourself an extra go-bag. 

The number of times this had happened in the last three months, having to leave in the clothes you came in or his. Nevermind always having to run back for your medication. You figured it wouldn’t do you any harm to leave a small bag at Hotch’s. He’d never even know. 

It was late afternoon as you made your way back to Hotch’s. You were surprised you didn’t receive any  _ prodding _ text messages from your eager team. Maybe they didn’t catch on? If not, Hotch may need to reconsider their placements as profilers. 

“You’re back,” Jack said with excitement as you entered the house. You had texted Hotch that you were on your way and you’d be there in two; he said the door was unlocked and come right in. You smiled, nodding, “Dad just went up to his office; I think he was on the phone with Uncle Dave.” 

_ Beat you to the punch...again. _

“Thanks,” You smiled at him, your secondary ‘go-bag’ in your hand, “I’m gonna go see him; I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okay, can we work more on the comic book after?”   
  


“Of course, bud,” You smiled, “We’re almost done.” 

“Yay, I’m excited,” He grinned; _ god _ , he looked just like Hotch when he smiled. The irony of the seldom smiler that Hotch was. Unlike the rest, you knew his smile like the back of your hand. 

  
  


You walked upstairs, making a pit stop in Hotch’s bedroom, placing your bag in his closet. Walking down the hall, you heard the end of a phone conversation.

“Thanks, Dave,” Hotch said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know,” He laughed, “Bye, Dave.”

You knocked, peeking your head into the spare bedroom turned office, “Hi,” you smiled. 

“Hey,” he smiled. You walked closer, and he pushed himself back in his desk chair, gesturing for you to sit with him. You wrapped your arms around his neck before sitting on his lap. “So,” he smiled. 

“You talked with Rossi,” You couldn’t help the guilty look on your face. 

“Mhm,” he nodded. 

“Listen,” You started, “I can explain. You needed your sleep. I had all intentions of going in after you got up, but then Jessica texted me, but Rossi already knew. How could he not know? He’s like, what? One of the most legendary profilers ever.” 

“Honey,” He interrupted you, you paused, biting your lip, “You’re rambling.”

“Sorry,” You sighed.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad,” Hotch brought his hand up to brush the hair out of your face, “As much as I would have liked to do it on our own terms, maybe we needed the push.”

“Yeah,” You said, “You’re probably right.”

“When am I not?’

You playfully slapped him on the arm, he laughed. 

“You know they have a bet right,” You raised your eyes, “Like when we were going to get together? Since like...last spring.”

“Are you surprised,” Hotch chuckled, “Who do you think guessed the closest?”

“I normally would have said Garcia or Emily, but I would have to say Reid had a pretty unfair advantage last night on,” You laughed. 

“True,” He sighed, leaning up for a kiss. You moved your arms from around his neck to your hands, cradling his face. He deepened the kiss. You moaned into his mouth, allowing him to slide his tongue in. You nipped at his bottom lip, involuntarily wiggling your hips on his laps. 

Instantaneously, Hotch gripped your hips _ firmly. _ You pulled away from the kiss breathless. 

_ “Later _ ,” he said, “Not now.”

You let out a disappointed sigh, standing up, not without hearing the soft groan that left Hotch’s lips as you moved off of him. 

“Is that a promise,” You gave him a dramatic pout. 

He cleared his throat, standing up from the chair, “Only if you’re good.” His tone had changed entirely. You felt the rush of warmth within you, shaking your head at him. He knew what he was doing exactly. 

You sent him a teasing smile before leaving the office, making sure to sway your hips just a little extra to get his attention and to seal that promise.

For the rest of the day, you did that—little things, here and there. You knew it was getting to him by the looks he threw at you all-day. You couldn’t help but feel a little satisfied knowing a small touch or movement of your body affected him that easily. 

Hotch was putting Jack to bed, you waited for him on the couch with your glass of wine, which was halfway gone. You put your drink on the coffee table, tapping your leg impatiently as he took his time saying goodnight to Jack. You thought he may have been doing it on purpose, teasing you further—a way to get back at your small...uh,  _ gestures. _

Your eyes lit when he walked back down the stairs, walking towards where you sat on the couch. He didn’t waste any time, reaching down he pulled you up by your waist and  _ threw _ you over his shoulder. 

You gasped, wiggling in protest, “Aaron!”

He didn’t respond, only walked you up the stairs like that. You felt the blood rush to your head, you slapped his ass, from where you hung upside down, you had the perfect view, you couldn’t argue that. 

Reaching his bedroom, he abruptly tossed you onto the bed; you let out another gasp, catching your grounding, leaving you lying across the mattress.

“You thought you were funny, didn’t you,” He said, undoing his shirt, “You thought it was funny being  _ that _ shameless, didn’t you?”

You lifted yourself up on your elbows to get a better view of him, “Funny wouldn’t be the word I would use, _ sir _ .”

He gave you a dissatisfied look, shaking his head as his shirt landed on the ground. 

“Amusing might be a better word.”

Swiftly, he pulled your legs, slipping your jeans and underwear off in one movement. You breathed loudly. He wasted no time, swiping his fingers through your already wet folds. Your breath hitched more. 

“You’re not gonna come tonight, baby,” He said smugly, “I’m gonna have you begging to come.” 

You bit your lip as he teasingly trailed his fingers up and down your core,  _ just _ missing your clit every time. You writhed under his touch, he let out a knowing chuckle, removing his finger from you. 

He brought his wet finger to his mouth; your eyes couldn’t help but grow wide, watching him lick it. 

“Take your shirt and bra off,” He said, unbuckling his belt. You couldn’t help but notice the loud clank from the metal buckle hit the floor. You were so on edge; the noise made you jump. 

You slipped your top over your head, tossing it to the floor - Your bra next. You watched Hotch step out of his pants; he reached down and took his belt in his hands. He walked to the edge of the bed next to your head. 

“Put your hands above your head,” He said, you followed. He knotted the belt around your wrists. Tightening it tight enough that the pressure was there, but not too tight that it hurt. “Keep yourself still.” 

He walked to the lamp that dimly lit the room, turning it off, leaving you in the dark. It was almost like being blindfolded, but you could sense him more, movements in the unlit bedroom. 

He walked back towards the bed, getting on by the end of your legs. He pushed your legs apart and sat between them. 

“You remember what I said, right?”

“Don’t move,” You nodded. 

“And?”   
  


“I can’t come,” You said disappointedly. 

“Good girl,” It didn’t take long for his head to snake down between your thighs. His tongue eagerly beginning to make work between your folds. You sucked in air quickly; he didn’t let up. The pattern his tongue made against your clit had you squirming. His hands grasped your hips tightly, leaving finger-shaped bruises there, you knew. 

“Aaron,” You panted, “Aaron.”

He didn’t stop, only adding more pressure with his mouth. One of his hands left your hip, and as quickly as you could take a breath, his thick finger entered you. You thrashed your head back, arching your back off the bed. 

“Aaron, I’m gonna come if you don’t stop,” You moaned, your wrists very much now tugging against the belt tied around them.

“No,” He said against you, the vibrations of his words only further adding pleasure to your core, “Not until your begging.”

Your legs began to twitch, you could feel the build-up of nerves inside of you. You opened your mouth to speak, but only a breathy moan left your lips, 

“I need to hear you,” He said, slowly lifting his mouth from you. You raised your hips in response, needing him back. You were so close. 

“Aaron,  _ please _ ,” You practically cried, “ _ Please _ , I was so close. Please.”

He sighed, “Well, I don’t know.”

“ _ Please _ ,” You were full-on begging; you didn’t care if you needed to get up on your knees now, pleading for him. Sweat began to form on your forehead, and your eyes began to well with need. You wished the lights were on so you could  _ see  _ just how much you needed to, “ _ Please,  _ I’ll do anything. Just let me come.”

“Anything, he asked; you nodded eagerly. That must have been enough for him because without blinking, his lips were back on you. His finger began to move within you again, curling just the right way. Your hips met his fingers and mouth with every movement. He slowly added a second finger, then a third, filling you completely. His third finger hadn’t even entered you fully when you felt your orgasm take over you. 

“Oh my god,” You gasped, throwing your head back in pleasure, the hand still at your hip, holding you down. He finished you through each ripple of your orgasm, not changing or stopping a thing. 

Your breathing heavy, your eyes pressed shut. The belt had reddened your wrists; you could already feel it. Coming to, you felt Hotch’s mouth left you, his fingers still inside of you, you could feel yourself lightly pulsing around them. He kissed his way up to you, kissing your breast as he did before making his way to your mouth. He kissed you, sloppily; you could taste yourself on his lips. He slowly retracted his fingers from you, you let out a small whimper into his mouth as he did. 

He brought his fingers up to you, breaking the kiss away, replacing his lips with his fingers. You swirled your tongue around it, sucking tightly on them. He let out a breathly groan, removing them from your mouth.

Reaching up, he undid the belt on your wrists, softly caressing the irritated skin. Leaning down, he kissed you. Softly and slowly, you grabbed his bottom lip with your teeth. He let out another low grown. 

“Can I touch you,” You asked, breaking the kiss, wanting to know if it was okay to move. Hotch nodded, returning his lips to yours. 

Your hands were everywhere and anywhere on him at once. You caressed his back, then his chest, feeling every raised part from all of those scars. Your hand trailed down to his cock, you pumped it slowly, he let out a loud breath. 

He flipped you, so you were on top of him now, instead of him you. You kissed your way down his jaw to his chest to his hips to the right where he needed you most. You moved your tongue slowly up his shaft, licking it with painstakingly, slow movements. 

You swirled your tongue over his head, licking the small amount of precome that began dripping from the tip. You slowly engulfed him inch by inch, hollowing your cheeks as you went. You heard a growl like breath leave his mouth, encouraging you to continue. 

You began moving your mouth up and down his cock, with the help of your hands caressing as you went. You took him deeply, feeling him hit the back of your throat, your eyes began to water. You moved back, coming up for air, and felt his hips rise and meet your throat again. You continued the pattern until you felt him grow rigid. 

“Fuck, Y/N,” He breathed, “I’m gonna come,” he said almost as a warning. You didn’t mind. You wanted all of him. You continued to move up and down him with your mouth, hollowing your cheeks in a sucking motion more so. He quickly began to twitch inside of your mouth, filling you with his come. 

When you felt him stop, you slowly took your mouth off of him, filled with him. You made what little eye contact you could make with him in the dark and swallowed completely. You couldn’t help but see the impressed but satisfied look on Hotch’s face. 

“Come here,” He said softly, opening his arms to you. You crawled towards him, resting your head against his bare chest. You heard his heartbeat begin to settle to a regular rhythm. You snuggled closer to him, feeling utterly content. 

Though groaning, the two of you moved enough that you could pull back the blankets of the made bed and get under. You got back into the same position, only this time not only wrapped in Hotch’s warmth but blankets too. 

This was the best part of your relationship... the part that the two of you didn’t have to say much to  _ know _ how the other felt. 

You were almost entirely dozed off in his arms, thinking about  _ just _ how much you loved the man wrapped around you. As badly as you wanted to say it, despite not being one for grand gestures, you thought you would  _ know _ and  _ feel _ when the timing was right to say it. 

“I saw you put a bag in my closet,” Hotch said softly, your eyes darted open. You should’ve known you couldn’t let something like that slide against the ever-attentive Aaron Hotchner. “I hung up your clothes, put your medication and makeup bag in the bathroom drawer to the right.” 

He said it like it was nothing...like after only three months,  _ here’s some of my closet, and you get a drawer in the bathroom too.  _

“Are you mad,” you whispered, hoping the darkness of the room would hide some of your sheer embarrassment and anxiety. 

He laughed... _ he laughed _ at you, “Why would I be mad, Y/N?” 

“I don’t know, we’ve only been together, what, like three months?” 

“And,” he asked, “I think you can agree it has felt like much longer. Plus,” He said, squeezing you closer to him, placing his lips against your head for a kiss before lifting to rest his chin on your head, “It will be nice you not having to leave every time we get stuck in a situation where you don’t have your meds or a change of clothes.” 

“I suppose you’re right,” you sighed, “thank you.”

He closed his eyes, ready to drift into sleep, “No need to thank me,” he said, “And what did I tell you? I’m always right.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” You laughed before sleep took over the both of you.

It did feel like the two of you had been together for longer than three months. It had felt like you’d known each other longer than two years. Years and years more, it felt like. 

You were never a sappy person; you actually kind of despised hearing that corny nonsense, especially after Matt. For your first love, it’s okay, but then realism hits. 

But with Hotch? It almost felt like your two souls had known each other longer than either of you physically did. The two of you knew each other better than anyone. As if you both were so alike yet  _ so _ different at the same time. 

Morning came quicker than expected, with Hotch’s phone going off. You groaned, looking at the time; it wasn’t even right to justify it as morning yet; it was only 3:45 AM. 

“Hotchner,” Hotch said gruffly, “Penelope,” he mouthed to you. 

“So this is her way of payback from finding out about us,” You joked, “Calling us at three in the morning?” 

Despite the darkness, you could see Hotch’s face change abruptly with the dim light from his phone shadowing his face. You frowned, wondering what it was about. 

“Alright, we’ll be there as soon as we can,” Hotch said, “Call the others.” 

He hung up, his face already looking drained. 

“What’s the matter?” 

“About a dozen inmates escaped a prison. About half of them murderers,” Hotch sighed, “And one being Peter Lewis.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: What did you guys think?! As always, I love hearing from you all.


	24. Chapter Twenty Four: Know that when you leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Here is Chapter Twenty Four. I just want to...um apologize in advance. You’ll realize why later. 
> 
> In this story, I kept Erin Stauss alive because I like the tension she brings to the team as an opposing force over Cruz. She lives! As I said previously, the Mr. Scratch plot is a bit altered to fit this story’s parameters! 
> 
> TW: Smut, Semi-Public Sex, Choking.

You were partially in shock but yet panicked with the news of Peter Lewis’s escape. Hotch was quickly throwing on his suit as you buttoned up your blouse. You reminded yourself to thank him again later for hanging your things; there’s nothing worse than arriving someplace with a wrinkled top. 

“What about Jack,” You asked, bending down putting your shoe on. Hotch looked up from tying his tie; there was a flash of sadness on his face. 

_ “Dammit,”  _ He cursed under his breath, “I promised him I’d bring him to school in the morning,” he sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I’m gonna have to call Jess.” 

“Let me call her,” You offered, suddenly worried you overstepped, “Only if you want, I figured you could go tell Jack yourself.”

Hotch nodded, “Yeah, that would be great,” he said, “You don’t mind, do you?” 

“No,” You said, “Of course not. Go,” You gestured out of the bedroom. 

It didn’t take long for Jess to come, for being so early in the morning, you were surprised she was here so quickly. It must’ve been a usual thing, sadly, with this job. Driving, Hotch’s face looked filled with emotion. You couldn’t put a finger on it, if he was sad or anxious. You also didn’t want to push. 

“Jack’s angry with me,” Hotch interrupted the thick silence in the car, “He’s mad. I broke yet  _ another  _ promise.” 

You reached over and took his hand on his lap that was not gripping the steering wheel, “I  _ know _ he will forgive you, Aaron,” You said, “You’re an amazing dad. You are his hero,” He squeezed your hand, eyes not leaving the road, but you knew he needed to hear that. 

Given the secret was technically out, you didn’t mind or try to hide the fact you two carpooled this morning. You walked in, bags in hand, side by side. The rest of the team already there; lucky for them, they didn’t have to wait for someone to come stay with their kid, so tardiness was never an excuse. 

Your breathing paused, seeing Erin Stauss standing in the middle of the bullpen with the rest of the team. 

“Shit,” You said, “What is she doing here?” 

“I don’t know,” Hotch sighed, exiting the elevator to enter the BAU. “I’ll handle it.”

You both pushed through the double glass doors to enter the bullpen; you noticed the team’s eyes lingering on the two of you as you entered. Strauss’s head snapped towards the two of you; she had a pretty dissatisfied look. 

  
“Agent Hotchner, Agent Y/N,” Strauss said coldly. You gave her a curt smile.

“Erin,” Hotch nodded towards her, “I had to wait for someone to stay with Jack.”

“We have lots to talk about, Aaron,” Strauss said; you almost felt she was suggesting she knew about you and Hotch as well, although you hoped maybe someone covered for the two of you saying you two carpooled or something. “Business first, I need to make you aware of something vital.” 

“What is it,” Hotch frowned. 

“Peter Lewis escaped, as you know, but what you don’t know is he testified against you before the escape,” Strauss said. You and your fellow team member’s eyes grew; Hotch’s face remained unphased. 

“Testified?”

“He said you were a danger to the team, your family, and society,” Strauss continued, “He said you laughed during your hallucinations after drugged you, claiming you laughed watching your team members being killed.” 

“Erin, you and I both know that’s false,” Rossi interrupted now, the frustration written all over his face. 

You disliked Stauss, but right now, you were waiting where she and her ridiculous antics were getting. 

“Yes, I do, which is why I called off the SWAT from bombarding your house this morning, accusing you of conspiracy,” Strauss firmly said, “With that being said, Lewis is clearly out to get you, Agent Hotchner, I believe it would be best if I ran this investigation.” 

“Erin, I believe my team and I have proven ourselves time and time again to not get personal interferences in the way of our judgments,” Hotch responded, “And we also know when to step back when we do.”

You thought back to the time Emily told you when Hotch’s wife and Jack went into WITSEC, Hotch felt it would be best to step back; for the time being, Morgan took his place. You thought about how weird that must have felt. 

“We can work collaboratively,” Erin said, “That’s not something I will be argued on.” Hotch just pursed his lips. “I think it will be best to head to the prison and see what we can gather there.

“Alright,” Hotch nodded, “Dave, Prentiss, Morgan, I want you to go with Erin to the prison. See what you can get.” They nodded. “Reid, I want you to look over all the case files. Come up with a preliminary profile; where is he heading first?” 

“Alright,” Reid nodded. 

“JJ, I want you to contact local law enforcement. I don’t want him getting further out than he already is,” Hotch said; JJ nodded, “Y/N and I are going to go over everything in more detail; I’m going to have her do a cognitive interview with me, see if I missed anything when he drugged me.” 

“That sounds good, Agent Hotchner,” Strauss said, “Let’s go.” 

The team split up; Rossi, Morgan, and Emily had left with Strauss. JJ had retreated to her office to make her calls, leaving you, Hotch, Reid, and Garcia in the bullpen.

Garcia walked over with her knowing face on; you just rolled your eyes. 

“So, I hear things here are... _ official,”  _ She squealed, playfully poking your arm. 

Hotch laughed, “As much as I think this is an  _ important _ conversation to have, I believe we have bigger problems at hand,” Hotch said with a smile, “Nothing has changed between Y/N and I at work, nor will it. Strauss will know the first thing when this ends.”

“I am just happy for you two,” Garcia smiled brightly, “You deserve to be happy,” she turned to you, then to Hotch, “You too, sir.” 

“I’m happy for you guys too,” Reid chimed in. 

“Thank you,” You chuckled, “If you guys don’t mind, I think we’re gonna go do that cognitive interview.” 

They both nodded, walking off to their own assignments. You followed Hotch up to his office, the two of you finally putting down your bags. Hotch chose to sit on his couch versus his desk chair. You sat beside him.

“Lay down, put your head in my lap,” You said; he frowned, “If we are gonna do this, you having to relive witnessing me being killed by this freak, I want you to at least feel comfortable.”

He smiled, listening to you, laying down in your lap. His eyes still open, looking up at you, you slowly raked your hand through his hair before leaning down for a soft kiss. 

“Do you do this for all of your cognitive interviews, Agent Y/L/N?”

You laughed, “Only for the really good looking ones,” which earned a laugh out of him. “Are you ready,” You asked, and he nodded, closing his eyes. “Let’s start from the beginning, okay?” 

He nodded again, taking a deep breath. You continued to slowly rake your fingers through his short hair. 

“You got to Dr. Regan’s house,” You started, “Tell me what it looked like, what did it feel like? Smell like?” 

“The house was dim,” He swallowed, “I didn’t think anything about it; I walked in gun drawn. The house was cold like nobody had been home all day. A light was on in the room where she was. She stood there barefoot, in pajamas. Her computer was open. It was like she had just got home and settled.”

“Good, good,” You said, “What happened next?” 

“She lifted the knife in her hand, never blinking, and slit her throat the second I stepped in. I began to go towards her, but Lewis had knocked me over the head with a vase before I could. I tried shooting, once or twice, missing. He sprayed the compound in my face, I took the water sitting on her desk and splashed myself in the face, before he did it again, worse,” He said, taking a deep breath, “The next thing I remember is sitting back, propped on the floor. My phone was out of my pocket.”

“Where was he?” 

“He pulled the desk chair out, he sat close in front of me, looking down. He had my gun.” 

“What happened next,” You asked softly, knowing the more challenging stuff was about to come out. 

“My phone kept lighting up, ringing,” He shook his head, “I swore it was actually ringing, but thinking back, the screen said BAU. I don’t have any of you on my phone as BAU.” 

“He was trying to get in your head,” You said, “Tease you that we were coming, then we weren’t there.” You watched as Hotch’s face grew tense, “What happened next? We’re almost done.”

“I got into his head,” He said, “He was mad. Held my gun to my head, and the next thing I know...I thought you all were there. I thought you walked through the door. I thought he killed you all.”

You felt Hotch’s breath began to race, his voice tense with anxiety. You figured you knew the rest. That night he told you the rest, you didn’t need anything more.    
  
“Alright,” You said, moving your hand to caress his cheek, “I think that’s a good place to stop.”

He exhaled, pinching his eyes shut before opening. He was blinking; you saw the well of tears in his eyes. You leaned down and kissed his forehead. 

“This just feels like a nightmare,” He sighed, bringing his hand up to pinch his brow. 

“Which part? Mr. Scratch or the fact that we’re  _ blessed _ with Strauss’s presence,” You joked, he looked at you with his famous, ‘ _ come on,’ _ look. “Just admit I’m hilarious.”

“Ha. Ha,” Hotch exaggerated, lifting his head up from your lap. He sighed, looking at his watch. It hadn’t been as much time as it had felt. The rest of the team hadn’t come back nor finished their part. Looking around the room, then to you, “I have a pretty good idea of how to pass the time.”

You frowned, not picking up on what he was saying, “What?” 

He stood, walking to the windows that faced the bullpen, twisting the blinds shut. “You’re telling me you’ve never thought about me bending you over this desk and having my way with you?” 

Your breath caught in your throat, not expecting that. “ _ Aaron,”  _ You blushed. 

“Don’t act shy now.” 

“I’m not  _ shy _ ,” You laughed, “We’re at work...Strauss will be back at some point.” 

“Isn’t that the exciting part,” He raised an eyebrow at you as he walked towards the door, locking it. 

“Yes,” You sighed. Hotch looked at you confused now, “Yes, I have thought about it,” You chuckled to yourself, “Probably more than I  _ should _ .” 

Hotch walked over to you, reaching for your hands, pulling you up from his couch. Quickly, he wrapped you in his arms, hastily kissing your breath away. The kiss was aggressive and forceful; that alone had you squirming underneath his touch. 

You caught his bottom lip between yours, tugging a bit before his tongue prodded your mouth. You let out a breathly gasp as your mouths danced. 

“ _ Aaron, _ ” You moaned, “I want you to fuck me.” 

He chuckled, vibrating against your mouth, “Already begging, huh, baby?” 

You looked back at him, biting your lip. He shook his head, giving in. Kissing you emphatically, he swiftly lifted you, wrapping your legs around his waist. Carrying you with ease, he brought you to the back of his desk, sitting you on top.

Hotch sat between your legs while you sat on his desk, his kisses trailed from your lips to your jaw, you let out another small moan as he nipped at the sensitive skin of your neck. His hand snaked its way to between your thighs, right where you needed him most.

He pressed his hand against your pants, the layers feeling too thick the more aroused you got. You needed to be closer to him. 

Getting the picture, he unbuttoned your pants, slipping his hand in and under your panties. You could already  _ feel _ how wet you were at the thought of this. You moaned when his fingers swiped through your dripping slit. Throwing your head back, you bucked your hips at his touch. 

“Tell me,” Hotch breathed, “Is this something you’ve gotten yourself off thinking about,” He slipped a finger in, causing you to bite down on your lip harshly, “Me fucking you good and hard on my desk?” 

You nodded eagerly, “Yes,” you swallowed, “ _ fuck _ .” 

He slid another finger in, you feeling already full from just two of his thick fingers, “Tell me.” 

“Yes,” You groaned, “I thought about you fucking me on your desk.”

“What did you think about?” 

Feeling more confident than usual, you leaned forward to his ear, nibbling on the lobe. “I thought about you and me like this, but instead of your fingers,” He quicked his pace, pumping his fingers hard and fast into you. You wished the restriction of your pants were not there, “It was your huge,” You breathed, feeling close as he continued, “Ah,  _ cock. _ ” 

Swallowing, you threw your head back as your orgasm took over you. You ground your hips against his hand as you rode your high. 

As quickly as he entered you with his fingers, they left you; you whimpered a bit but knew that this wasn’t the end of your little adventure as you saw him reach for his belt, undoing it and his pants. 

You lifted your hips, your legs still quivering from your orgasm, removing your pants and panties, allowing him better access. His lips returned to yours; your hand reached down between you two and rubbed his already hard cock in your hands, feeling his chest rumble against you from his groan.

You guided him to your core, biting your lip as you lined him up. He clearly did not want to waste any more time as he swiftly pounded into you. You started to moan  _ too _ loudly. His hand came up, covering your mouth. The thought of his hand over your mouth just turned you on more. 

“What else,” He breathed through his movements, “What else did you think about?”

He moved his hand from your mouth to let you talk, “You. This,” you swallowed thickly as he continued to his your g-spot  _ just _ right, over and over again, “One hand around my throat, the other wrapping my leg around your hip  _ so,”  _ You pinched your eyes shut, trying to get a grip, “ _ so _ tightly.” 

Hotch shot you a wicked smile, bringing his hand to your throat, closing it slightly around you. You hiked your leg around his hip, him gripping it with his other hand  _ so _ tightly that you  _ knew _ there would be bruising. You almost shrieked at the pleasurable pain, but you could only focus on his hands on your throat and the coil of pleasure beginning inside of you. 

“ _ Fuck,”  _ He said breathless, “You’re so good,” he continued, tightening his hand lightly against your throat, “So good.” He moved his hand from your hip, finding your clit quickly. Your body twitched at the touch. He began moving in circular motions, at just the right speed. “Come, baby.” 

You didn’t have to be told twice; you threw your head back, “Fuck,  _ Aaron _ . You feel so good.” Your second orgasm taking over you completely. It only took Hotch a few more quick thrusts inside of you before he was twitching and spilling inside of you. His face found the crook of your neck, taking his hand from your throat, as he came. You felt his hot breath against your collarbone. 

You closed your eyes, feeling spent, before opening them. You leaned down to kiss Hotch’s head, where it still rested in between your neck and shoulder. 

He moved his head back to kiss you for real on the lips. The kiss was soft and tender; you couldn’t help but smile against his lips. He returned the smile, feeling joyed seeing you happy. Nothing made him happier than seeing you happy and content. 

“Was it everything you expected,” He asked, slowly pulling out of you. You sighed, missing the feeling of him already. He reached on his desk for a few tissues.

“Better than expected,” You laughed as he cleaned both of your mess. 

He leaned forward, pressing another gentle kiss on your lips, before pulling back, “Good. It was for me too.” 

“You never cease to amaze me, Hotchner,” You laughed, hopping off his desk, pulling your pants and underwear back on. Hotch followed suit, buckling his belt. You leaned forward, pressing yourself against his chest, “Here, let me help,” you said, reaching for his tie that was very disheveled. 

“The feeling is mutual, sweetheart,” He leaned down for a kiss. You felt warm at his pet name. It was sweet,  _ ironically.  _ Nobody,  _ not even Matt _ when you first met him, made you feel this way. He pulled away from the kiss and cupped your jaw, tilting your head back. 

He looked at you deeply, in a way that took your breath away. You weren’t sure what it was for or why, but you felt yourself become a sappy puddle under his gaze. 

Little did you know, Hotch just needed to take in your beauty. He wanted to say those three words to you. He never felt it more than he did now. The way you  _ always _ supported him, Jack and the team. He just felt  _ so _ lucky to have you.

“Y/N?”

You tilted your head in response. 

“I-” 

_ Ring, Ring.  _

He let out the world’s loudest sighs, reaching behind you to his desk for his phone. 

“Hotchner,” He couldn’t help but sound grumpy, considering this call just interrupted what  _ was _ supposed to be him confessing his love to you. 

You sighed, not aware of what he was going to say, and made your way back to the couch. 

“Jess, slow down,” Hotch said, your eyes perked up to him, frowning, “Someone tried to dismiss Jack from school?” 

You stood immediately feeling panicked. 

“You’re with him,” Hotch asked, “Good, good. I’m going to meet you guys at the house, okay? I’ll see you then,” he hung up, looking at you, the emotion previously filling his face before the call drained. “Someone tried to dismiss Jack from school. I’m going to go home and see them.”

“Oh my god,” You breathed, “Who do you think it was?” 

“I don’t even want to verbalize who I  _ think _ it was,” He hissed, grabbing his bags; he walked over to you quickly, kissing you softly before leaving his office. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” 

“See you then,” You said, waving him goodbye. The kiss felt like a habit, like a good habit—something so natural like a  _ ‘hello’  _ or a  _ ‘goodbye’ _ . You could see yourself kissing him like that for a long time. 

You smiled, looking down at the floor before leaving the office to meet up with Spencer and JJ in the bullpen. 

It wasn’t long until the rest of the team regrouped, Strauss included. Hotch was still not back, but you tried not to worry. You chose not to alarm the team yet until it was necessary. You told Strauss and the team Jack was sick and needed to be picked up from school. There were no leads on Peter Lewis nor any of the inmates that escaped. The day winded up quickly. Strauss encouraged the rest of you to finish paperwork and loose ends. 

You were going through files when your phone buzzed with a text message.

**_Aaron Hotchner [3:02PM]: Everything seems ok. Jack has a soccer game after school; I’m going to go just to be sure everything’s alright. Talk with you soon._ **

**_You [3:04PM]: Keep me updated. Tell Jack good luck at his soccer game._ **

**_Aaron Hotchner [3:05PM]: Will do._ **

You sighed, closing your phone, getting back to the rest of the day’s paperwork. The rest of the day was very dull compared to your morning. You were just happy Strauss got a call and had to abruptly leave. It felt like a weight off your shoulders. 

The clock approached around five o’clock, you checked your phone. 

**_0 Calls_ **

**_0 Voicemails_ **

**_0 Texts_ **

“Hmm,” You said to yourself. Deciding to send Hotch a text saying you were heading home, hopping a ride with either JJ or Morgan. 

**_You [5:01PM]: Hey - Hope everything is okay. I’m heading home soon. JJ or Morgan’s going to drop me off at my apartment since we carpooled this morning. Text me when you can. <3 _ **

**_Aaron Hotchner [5:01PM]: ***MESSAGE NOT DELIVERED****_ **

You frowned, really beginning to panic now. Either Hotch’s phone was off, or something seriously was off. You steadied yourself by sitting back in your chair, leaning on your knees, trying to dial Hotch’s number. Straight to voicemail. 

“Y/n?” 

You jumped at Rossi’s touch, tapping you on the shoulder from behind. 

“Sorry, Rossi,” You laughed at your skittish behavior, “You scared me.” You smiled, “Have you heard from Hotch? I can’t get in touch with him. He was my ride this morning.” Rossi’s face was filled with seriousness. You furrowed your brows, “What’s wrong?” You felt your stomach sink, your instincts being right per usual. Something was wrong.

Rossi pulled a chair next to yours, “I need to tell you something,” Rossi began, you frowned more, “Erin was going to, but I figured it might be easier to hear from me.”

“Rossi, what is it? Spit it out, your starting to scare me.” 

“Peter Lewis was at Jack’s school today,”  _ No, _ you thought, “And at Jack’s soccer game tonight, he was in the crowd too,”  _ No, no, no, _ you swallowed, “Hotch called Erin, and it was a joint decision by the bureau to put him into immediate protective custody.” 

Your jaw practically dropped; the air was stolen from your lungs. With a shaky hand, you put your phone on your desk and steadied yourself by gripping the arm of your chair. 

“ _ He what,”  _ A whisper, like verbalizing it would make it real. 

“Until we find Peter Lewis, he is in Witness Protection. We can’t know where he is or have any contact with him or Jack,” Rossi continued, “I’m  _ so _ sorry, Y/N.” 

Your bottom lip trembled. The tears were already flowing, and you didn’t even realize it until a large drop fell and hit your pant leg, leaving a penny-sized wet circle on your thigh. You felt as the world stopped spinning. Time had paused. 

“I...I,” You tried to form words but couldn’t. This _ couldn’t _ be real. He was  _ just  _ here. Hotch was  _ just _ here. Your Hotch…. _ Aaron. _

  
  


“What can I do, Y/N,” Rossi asked; you barely heard him because you were so lost. You felt like you didn’t know how to  _ think _ . 

“Take me home, please,” You whispered, barely making eye-contact. 

“Of course.” 

One moment you were in the BAU, the next in Rossi’s car. It smelt new. Then you were home. You thought Rossi offered to come up and stay. You must’ve said no or ignored him. You can’t remember. 

Everything was moving like a dream...a nightmare. You felt numb. 

Standing in the middle of your apartment, you looked around, feeling the walls close in on you. You dropped your bag to the floor as your bottom lip began to shake, the tears flowing freely now. 

He was gone.

He was  _ gone. _

He  _ was gone _ .

_ He was gone. _

And you had no idea when he would be back. Or if ever. He could move on with a new life. Wherever he may be in the world. He didn’t even say  _ goodbye. _ You didn’t get a goodbye—an explanation. You didn’t get to tell him that you  _ loved him _ . 

It was that, those words that broke the dam. Your legs wobbling before they weakened, and you fell to your knees. You had never sobbed this hard in your life. Pain washed over you. Everything  _ hurt. _

  
Everything hurt, and he was  _ gone. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: OKAY I AM THE WORST I AM SO SORRY! BUT I PROMISE THERE WILL BE A GOOD ENDiNG! WE ARE JUST GETTING STARTED FOLKS! <3 FORGIVE ME BABES!


	25. Chapter Twenty Five: When you lose something, you can't replace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! I just wanted to say THANK YOU so much for all of the support. A few of you keep apologizing for the spam comments; please don't! It puts a massive smile on my face. Spam away!
> 
> I was feeling really down tonight; I miss my friends so much. It's tough when you see your friends out, living life, and you wish you were with them? As I said before, with my health, I can't risk getting COVID, my friends understand that, but it doesn't make me miss them any less! I'm sure some of you can relate, which is why I'm sharing, cause we all have each other <3
> 
> This chapter is going to skip around a bit timeline-wise and between Y/N and Hotch. Also, there are some possibly really triggering subjects in this chapter. I will post the TW below, but I understand if you can't read it due to this chapter's nature! I also understand
> 
> TW: Health Problems, Fertility Issues including talk of Miscarriage,

"So, what happens next?"

The nurse stood from the stool she was sitting in. You couldn't help but notice the look of pity on her face. A look you could detect a mile away.

"The doctor will come in and administer local anesthesia before the procedure," The nurse said,   
And you're sure you don't want to wait and be put under general anesthesia for this?"

You shook your head quickly, "No," you swallowed, "I want to get it done with today," You could feel the tightness in your throat, but you would suppress those emotions for as long as you can, as long as you needed, to get through this.

"Alright," The nurse said, "And there's nobody I can call? This can be a pretty... _traumatizing_ experience. No boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancee, husband?"

"Just me."

"Well, I'll go grab the doctor," The nurse opened the door, "I'll be right back."

You let out a shaky breath, smoothing out the blanket and gown that covered your bare legs and thighs. Replaying the last forty-eight hours, you thought about Hotch being gone. Only two days ago, you were living in joyful bliss; the next thing you know, he's _gone_. You remember passing out after you calmed yourself that night, entirely spent with exhaustion. The next thing you knew, you were in a hospital bed.

JJ came to check in on you after nobody hearing from you in almost a day. No answer to your phone or door. She let herself in, being FBI, you all have your ways.

That's where she found you. You were lying in a small pool of your own blood in your bed. JJ tried everything to wake you, but you had lost a lot. After IV fluids, rest, and a blood transfusion at the hospital, you were told that you were pregnant. Only three weeks, but still, you were pregnant.

 _Were_ pregnant.

The stress on your body caused you to have a miscarriage. With your health issues, it was a recurring question of whether or not you could get pregnant. Your doctors always suggested _planning_ if you ever got pregnant. To supply a healthy space for you and a fetus, you would need to be on higher doses of your medications and would have to change a lot of your lifestyle.

So between your health and mental state, you miscarried. The miscarriage was incomplete, causing uterine bleeding; that is how you lost all of that blood. To complete the miscarriage, you had to go through dilation and curettage.

You asked for no visitors in the hospital, although the team meant well, you couldn't put on a brave face for them right now. Besides, you wanted them to work on finding Peter Lewis; the sooner he's seen; hopefully, the sooner Hotch would return.

You were taken out of your thoughts when the doctor and nurse returned. The doctor introduced himself, but you were in such a blur, you wouldn't be able to recite his name. The procedure started reasonably quickly; it wasn't bad...until it was. You laid back in excruciating pain, biting your inner cheek as it went on. You pinched your eyes shut, feeling a small tear pour out.

"All done, Ms. Y/N," The doctor said, standing up and walking over to the sink, "You'll need at least two to three days of rest, then slow-moving to your regular schedule, okay?"

"Okay," You nodded, "Thank you," You gave the best smile you could, as the left leaving you to change. The second the door shut, grabbed your clothes, putting them back on. The second you got to your car, you just broke down. Tears spilling freely now.

Growing up, you were taught that everything happens for a reason. You lived by that motto your whole life that these things would not be handed to you if you could not handle them. Your illness, your rocky childhood, the abuse you took from Matt...but _this?_ This seemed reasonless. This seemed like a cruel joke.

You had opened your heart to a man who was...well, he was just _wonderful_. He was kind, compassionate, empathetic...all of it. He would be the type of man you would've wanted to have a child with someday; three months into dating might've been inconvenient timing, but still...everything happens? If he stayed? If the baby lived, it would have occurred all for a reason. Him leaving? You miscarrying? You _all_ alone to deal with the emotional and physical baggage afterward? No reason for that.

"Dad, are we starting over again?"

Hotch sighed, looking at Jack sitting at the coffee table coloring. "Yeah, buddy. Just like you did with Mom a few years ago."

The house they were in was small, well decorated, but small. The right size for two people, he supposed.

"This doesn't feel like the vacation she said we were on then; this seems bad," Jack said; Hotch remembered telling Jack to think of him and Haley going away when Foyet was out there that it was a vacation.

"It's getting late, bud," Hotch said, gesturing for Jack to get up, "Why don't you get ready for bed?"

"I'm not tired yet, dad," Jack groaned in protest. This had been the routine for the last two days here; Jack was stubborn when doing anything. He was quiet, and at times cold towards Hotch, a mini version of himself at his worst, he supposed.

Hotch walked over to the couch where Jack sat coloring. Jack did not acknowledge Hotch sitting next to him, just continued to color.

"Jack, I know this is hard," Hotch said, "And I am sorry that we had to do this."

Jack looked back to Hotch with a look he'd never seen his son have before; he couldn't put his finger on what it was. "We didn't even get to say goodbye."

"I know, and I'm sorry you couldn't say goodbye to your friends."

"No," Jack snapped, "Not my friends, dad. We didn't get to say goodbye to Y/N."

 _Oh,_ Hotch thought. Hotch was struggling more than he ever had with this whole situation. He at least got to say goodbye to Haley when she left, his last good memory of her. They were with Jessica when he got the call that he needed to be put into protection, so they got to at least say their goodbyes. But you? They confiscated his phone and logged him out of all emails and passwords so there would be no way to contact you.

Contacting you would ultimately put you in danger. Hotch had seen this all too well before; he would _not_ be risking that. Hotch concluded these past few days that it was you he wanted to spend a long, happy life with. You were it. You were everything.

"She was really cool, Dad," Jack spoke again. "She's so good at drawing. And she likes the same things I do. She's so much more fun than Beth was, I really miss her already."

Kid's brutal honesty always something Hotch admired in children. The ability to be able to talk so freely without hesitation.

Hotch sighed, giving Jack a sad smile, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her too, Jack."

That night was more challenging than the first for Hotch; he thought about you so much that night. He thought about how great you were with Jack. How great you were...just in general. Through all you had been through, the world didn't make you hard. You took obstacles as lessons and grew from your mistakes with grace. The two of you were so alike in so many ways, but Hotch wished at times he was as strong as you were to put on that brave smile every day because most days he could not.

The small two-bedroom house Jack and Hotch stayed in felt far too big, far too empty. He was placed in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. A cozy little ski town that anyone would have loved as a vacation, but as he laid in the half-empty, cold bed that night, he thought about you. He missed you more than anything. He just hoped you were okay.

About a month after your procedure, you were back at work full-time. The days were exhausting as finding Peter Lewis was the top agenda. The most draining part was every lead feeling as if it always came to an end. You were grateful nobody ever brought up your absence or the miscarriage again, but you knew they talked about it. How could they not?

You tried to move on, you tried not to be _that_ girl who stopped her life because of being alone, but you couldn't. This wasn't a breakup; this wasn't something either of you wanted. It was forced upon you. There was absolutely no closure about this situation. You just _couldn't_ move on.

It was easy to move on from Matt; part of you hated him for what he put you through. Part of you will always hate him. The work after Matt was rebuilding yourself, it still is rebuilding yourself.

You couldn't help but feel this whole situation was stunting you. Even if Hotch did come back, would you always be looking over your shoulder? Or would you two move on? What if this whole thing changes you?

The world was just too _fucked up_. You couldn't look at dead bodies all day knowing Peter Lewis was out there searching for Hotch. You couldn't be reuniting families when you knew there was someone out there you needed to be reunited with; two people actually. Jack. Your new little friend, someone you had grown to love over the last few months. He was such an old soul who was every bit of Hotch you loved, and the parts you knew were Haley, just confirmed she was a wonderful mother.

"A leave of absence?"

You nodded to Derek, the interim Unit Cheif.

"Y/N," Derek sighed, "You sure this is what you want to do?"

"I feel I am unable to do my job to the best of its abilities given my current circumstances," You said as formally and distant as you could get, "I hope to return to the team someday if a spot is still available. As of right now, I feel it is best if I step back."

"Y/N, you know we are all here for you, right," Derek asked, "None of us knew how close you and Hotch were until all of this, we are supportive of you two being together, and we can't imagine how hard it must be with him gone."

Your face remained cold, unphased as Derek spoke, "If it's alright with you, today will be my last day. I have a flight to catch."

"A flight?"

"Yes, is that alright, Agent Morgan?"

Hurt displayed all over Derek's face, your words like a slap across the cheek. He pursed his lips, nodding, "I will let Strauss know immediately."

"Thank you," You said before walking out of the office, walking quickly to your desk, picking up the small box you filled, and left without a word to anyone. You knew it was cold; it was wrong. It was not _you_ , but right now, you weren't _you_. You were sad, angry, hurt, and pain.

Your health hadn't declined so fast in all of the years living with your chronic pain. The stress of all of the loss combined, causing you to flare up into pain that made it unbearable to get out of bed some days.

You felt like you did when you first got diagnosed, the days where it hurt to take a shower because the water pressure felt like fire against your skin. Or the days when you felt so nauseous you didn't eat for hours on end. There were the days where you just didn't move at all because your muscles and nerves felt like they were at their highest capacity of pain threshold.

After calling out for so many days, you decided a leave of absence would probably be best. So you wrote your formal letter, crying as you did. Tears hit the keyboard freely as you typed each word you wished you didn't mean. You hit print, then opened up the airline's page, booking a one-way ticket home to your family.

Feeling _stuck_ on the plane, just mentally stuck, you wished Hotch was there more than ever; he was the one person in the world you learned not to bottle your emotions up to, right now as these feelings held down, felt like they were going to overflow, you needed him. You wanted to confide in him more than anything.

You let out a shuttered breath as you looked out to the clouds in your window seat, wondering where Hotch was in the world right now.

Weeks turned into months, and Hotch couldn't stand to see his _now_ nine-year-old son continue to mope around.

Hotch did everything he could to try and make the birthday special for Jack. Despite it being the two of them, he wanted him to remember this birthday as much as he remembered all of the rest, but that didn't hide the sad look on the boy's face as he blew out the candles on his cake.

"Dad, this is gross," Jack said, cringing at the taste of the homemade birthday cake Hotch attempted to make for him, "You aren't very good at baking."

Hotch sighed, "Yeah," He let out a shaky laugh, "Definitely not one of my strong suits." He cleaned up the cake, throwing it away, settling on ice cream from the freezer instead. "It's not homemade ice cream, but it'll have to do." He said, passing Jack his bowl.

The two of them ate their small bowls of ice cream in silence, Hotch turning to look at the boy every few minutes, hurting as he saw the sad face.

"What do you say I color with you tonight?"

Jack raised an eyebrow, "Dad, you can't color."

"Not well, no," Hotch laughed, "But we could try." he shrugged, "Hey, we could even attempt to finish that comic book you and Y/N were working on."

"No, I want to save that for when we're back," Hotch sighed again; he hoped that day would be soon. He hoped you'd be there too, but knowing in the back of his mind, he'd never want you to wait for him. He wanted you to live your life to the fullest extent. He wanted nothing more than happiness for you. Even if that meant heartache for him.

"We can still draw though, we could even save our drawings for when we're back. It will give Y/N a good laugh to look at mine," Hotch suggested, taking it was a good idea by the perk in Jack's expression.

"Yeah," He said with excitement, "We could draw stuff for her, so when we get back, she has like a whole book of our drawings!"

"That's a great idea, buddy."

"Let's go," Jack got up, ditching the rest of his ice cream, heading straight for his coloring supplies.

Hotch and Jack drew anything from flowers and trees to superheroes and funny faces. Hotch's drawings could be defined as cringeworthy, but the smile on Jack's face made up for everything. All he had to do was bring you up, the light at the end of _both_ of their tunnels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: What did you guys think? As always, I love hearing from you guys!
> 
> Thanks, babes! Love you all! xx


	26. Chapter Twenty-Six: You're planted it in my mind, but I don't wanna be okay without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! I am back with 26! Some more time jumps since you guys liked the POV switches. There are no trigger warnings for this chapter, but I will keep this short to leaving you all to see the chapter for yourself! 
> 
> Enjoy <3 

“It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?” 

Your mom looked over to you with a sad smile. The snow began to fall around the two of you as you sat on a bench in downtown Boston. October and November have passed, and somedays, you woke up wondering if it could get any worse? 

The stress on your body caused a relapse in your progress in fighting your illness. You had more bad pain days than good. But this pain was none like you’d ever known. It was all-consuming. Not only were you pained by your illness, but your heart ached.

“Hard to believe what,” Your mom asked you. You continued to watch people walk past you, shopping bags in hands, cars driving with Christmas trees strapped to the roof, young children smiling at Christmas lights. 

“That life just...goes on,” You shrugged, still looking at the people around you, “Your life could be completely and utterly falling apart, and the world just doesn’t stop. People get married, people are born, someone could get a promotion, or get the best news of their life all the while your life is crumbling around you.” 

Your mom reached for your gloved hand, squeezing it. “It will be okay, Y/N.” 

“Yeah,” You gave your most convincing tone. You were grateful for your family, but there was part of you that felt even more torn down being back in those four walls where you grew up—seeing your parents time after time making the same financial mistakes and seeing your sister fall in their footsteps crushed you. 

  
  
  
  
  


“Jack, did you get everything you wanted for Christmas,” Hotch asked, sitting back on the couch as he watched Jack play with his new toy airplane. Hotch tried to do all that he could to make this Christmas special for Jack, especially given the circumstances. 

Jack brushed off Hotch’s comments, not responding.

“Jack?”

“I would have rathered no toys if it meant we could have our life back, dad.”

Hotch would have been lying if that comment didn’t feel like a punch to the chest. He tried to put on a brave front for his son these last few months, but the moment Jack’s head hit the pillow, Hotch felt every emotion rush through. 

He felt useless, not being able to help his team find Peter Lewis. Hotch was not a man who did well with downtime. He was not the relaxation or vacation kind of guy. His mind always seemed to wander. Whether that be work or now you. He couldn’t keep his mind off of it. 

It was comforting at night when sleep finally took over; he could see you. You were always there in his dreams, holding him together. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“What are you going to do about your apartment,” Your mother asked, sipping against a glass of cheap prosecco you bought for the two of you. It was New Year’s Eve, part of you just wanted to go to bed like you always did at nine o’clock, but tonight you promised your mom you would stay up to watch the ball drop with her. 

“I’m subleasing it currently; the movers put my things in storage,” You sipped your glass, “I didn’t have much in that tiny shoebox,” You shrugged, putting your drink on the coffee table, “I’m not sure I need anything in it anytime soon.” 

Nevermind, nobody, could  _ pay _ you to go back to Virginia right now.

All of the team continuously sent texts and emails in the beginning. Some you would respond with a quick, ‘ _ thanks,’  _ or others you would just not open at all. You finally got through to Emily, told her you were going on an extended vacation to Aruba and weren’t planning on using your phone much. The texts slowed after that. Just  _ talking _ to the team pained you and reminded you of Hotch. 

Your little lie reminded you of a conversation you and Hotch had one of your many nights together.

_ “I could never, ever enjoy myself on one of those vacations,” You laughed, “Nevermind a Honeymoon? C’mon, Aruba seems like the last place I could ever, ever imagine you.”  _

_ Hotch laughed, turning from his back to lean himself on his hand, facing you. The two of you had thoroughly enjoyed yourself and were in your usual routine of talking until one person fell asleep.  _

_ “It was Haley’s choice,” Hotch laughed, “I just wanted her to be happy, you know?” _

_ You smiled; it didn’t bother you talking about Haley with Hotch at all. He clearly had some wounds that would never be healed, but the love and admiration he had for his ex-wife, the mother of his son, was just a summary of what an amazing man he was.  _

_ “You do that very often,” He frowned, unsure of what you meant, “Always making the people in your life happy before your own.”  _

_ He sighed, “Guess it’s just my personality, but hey, you’re one to talk, Miss. People-Pleaser.”  _

_ You rolled your eyes, playfully pushing him against his chest, “You seemed pretty  _ pleased _ about ten minutes ago,  _ sir _.”  _

_ His face, serious now. “If I wasn’t so spent, I would be making you pay for those words, sweetheart.”  _

_ You smiled, leaning over on the bed, placing a soft kiss against his cheek. He enveloped you in his arms, pulling you close to his chest. Lazily, he drew circles up and down your bareback, goosebumps trailing across your skin. _

_ “So, not a tropical vacation person, I see,” Hotch hummed; you chuckled softly against his chest.  _

_ “No, definitely not,” You said, “I am not the type of person who can get their mind to turn off and lay in the hot sun for hours on end.”  _

_ “I understand that,” Hotch laughed, “What type of vacation person are you, if, let’s to say your jerk of a boss decided to approve some vacation time at the end of this year?” _

_ “You’re doing it again,” You laughed, “Asking me. When have you ever gone on a vacation YOU wanted to?” Silence. “See, I got you there.” _

_ “Uh, I guess I have never really thought about it. Probably somewhere European, I guess.”  _

_ “Good,” You murmured, “Because my dream vacation is Italy. Drinking delicious wine and eating delicious pasta sounds like the perfect vacation to me.”  _

_ “That just sounds like a regular night at Rossi’s,” You both laughed, “But, I know that you mean. Italy would be nice.”  _

_ “It does, doesn’t it,” You smiled up to him before tucking your head back against his chest, “I’ll meet you in Italy, Hotchner.”  _

_ “Sounds like a date.”  _

  
  
  


You sighed, being taken out of your thoughts by your mom counting down from 10. The ball was about to drop, and the new year about to be rung in. You sighed, downing the last of your prosecco, hoping for a better year to come. 

  
  
  
  


February rolled around; Hotch couldn’t help but hurt  _ just _ a little more on your birthday. Jack was busy doing his homeschooling from the computer; it was too dangerous for him to be at school. It was too risky to do much of anything, really. Being the FBI, it was no surprise that, sadly, there were enough children in WITSEC that needed to be schooled that they had things in place for these types of circumstances. 

“Dad, dad,” Jack ran up to him with excitement, Hotch snapped out of his thoughts, looking to Jack with a smile. “At school today, we had to talk about a time we were helpful, and guess what I wrote about?”   


Hotch smiled at his sweet boy, “What did you write about?” 

“The time I helped Y/N make breakfast for the three of us, it was so much fun,” He exclaimed. Hotch couldn’t help but feel his heart being torn in two directions. He was proud... _ happy _ that his son recalled the memories with you fondly. But that’s all they were,  _ memories _ . At this point, who knew when he’d see you again.

  
  
  
  
  


“Are you sure traveling  _ by yourself _ to another country is a good idea, honey?” 

“Mom,” You smiled, “I need this; besides, at only seventeen years old, you let me get on a plane and go see  _ Matt _ every few weeks despite knowing he was the spawn of satan. It seriously  _ can’t  _ get worse than that or what I do at work.” 

Your mom sighed, “Okay, honey, if you think this will help you feel better, I am all for it.” 

“Perfect,” You gave her a hug, “It’s only a month, and besides, with the way technology is? We can talk every day. It will be like I never left.” 

“Alright,” She smiled, “You have all of your medications,” You nodded, “And call me when you land, okay? And then I want to know when you get to where you’re staying.” 

“Yes, yes, of course, mom.” 

“Have fun,” She kissed your cheek, “Find the Y/N I know is still inside of you.” 

“I’ll try my best.” 

Saying your final goodbyes, you walked through the airport with a breath of opportunity in your lungs. Ever since you were a little girl, you wanted to visit Italy. The romance of the city, the architecture, the food...just the beauty of it all fascinated you for as long as you could remember.

The long flight awaited you. You tapped your pen against your paper, feeling so much within you you were not sure what you would get out on paper first. It was your birthday present to yourself to travel to Italy in the spring. Your only promise to yourself was that you would force yourself to document and write about your time, emotions, and everything in between. If you were  _ really _ going to make a change, you needed to confront the source. 

Sighing, looking back to the paper sitting on the tray in front of your seat, you decided, what better way to confront the ultimate source than write a letter to Hotch. You knew he most likely would not get it, but that wasn’t the point. It was for you. By chance, he could receive it, read it, you’d send it to his desk at work. You knew it would be in safe hands there. 

You began writing, your pen moving with grace across the paper as if words were tumbling straight from your mind onto the paper. 

  
  


**_Aaron,_ **

**_You’ve been gone over half of a year. The minute I found out you left - had to leave- my world completely stopped and has not picked up motion since. So much and so little has happened. So much that I can’t write on paper. So little has happened that these months have felt like centuries dragging on endlessly._ **

**_I want to write that I miss you, but the word ‘miss’ doesn’t feel like enough to encompass what I have felt since you left._ **

**_When I met you, I was so terrified. I had been hurt and let down so often that I did not want to allow myself to even venture the opportunity that things could end badly. But you...you’re so, you. And it’s you. You’re the one that I trust with every fiber of my being. You’re the one that I wanted to run to all these months when something new happened. You make me feel so special...all of the time. It’s you. I thought you were it for me._ **

**_If you had asked me the day before you left if I thought you would ever go. I would have gambled that you would have stayed because that’s just who you are. You fight for the ones you care about so fiercely. I don’t blame or fault you for leaving, I know you had no choice in the matter, but I do wish I was more open with my heart before you left._ **

**_I wish I told you; you had my heart. You have my every thought. Everything. You are everything to me. So know, as I don’t say this lightly, but I mean it with such sincerity - I love you. I have loved you for as long as I can remember; I just didn’t know it then. And a part of me will always love and wait for you._ **

**_As my favorite author, Fitzgerald, says,_ **

**_“I’ll be here just waiting and hoping for every long dream of you to come true.”_ **

**_You know where to find me, Hotchner._ **

**_Love, Y/N._ **

  
  


After signing and sealing the envelope, you placed it in your backpack, zipping it, feeling content the rest of your flight. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Jack, do you think you could help me with these dishes?” 

“Sure,” Jack sighed, hopping off the seat he was on at the table.

It was mid-spring, the fresh air was inviting in their stuffy house. It was nice; the sun wasn’t setting right away, so the days seemed longer. Hotch and Jack had fallen into a routine finally. It wasn’t ideal, and it wasn’t what either of them wanted, but they were finally beginning to come to terms with making it work to the best of their abilities. 

“You dry, I wash, okay,” Hotch said, his phone then ringing, “Hold that thought, okay, buddy?” 

Hotch dried his hands with the dishrag, walking towards his cell phone across the kitchen; it was his disclosed number from the FBI; he cleared his throat, hitting accept. 

“Agent Hotchner,” He said, throwing the rag on the counter. 

“Hotch?” 

The familiar voice causing Hotch’s eyebrows to raise, “Dave?” 

“Aaron, you have no idea how good it is to hear your voice,” Rossi chuckled.

“That feeling’s mutual,” Hotch laughed, “W-Why are you calling? Is everything okay? Is Y/N-”

“Yes, everything is fine,” Rossi said, “I wanted to call and formally be the one to tell you there will be a car arriving in an hour to bring you to the airstrip. The BAU jet will be waiting there for you and Jack. It’s over.” 

Hotch felt speechless.  _ It was over. _ He could go home. He could see  _ you _ .

“You caught Lewis?” 

“That’s a story to talk about over some expensive scotch,” Rossi let out a shaky laugh, “But there is no need to worry about Mr. Scratch anymore; he is no longer... _ among the living _ , let’s say.”

Hotch laughed, “Wow, that’s...wow.” 

“We are all looking forward to having you back, Aaron - whenever you’re ready to come back, that is. 

“Does Y/N know? I’m sure she has to with Lewis being done with,” Hotch assumed.

“Your ride should be arriving in any second, Aaron. Why don’t you go talk to Jack and pack up what little belongings you two have,” Rossi swerved around the question. 

  
  
  
  
  


Your month in Italy was almost over. You had a week left; it was such a beautiful place. You could not doubt that whatsoever. You just felt you were still left hanging, waiting for the mind-opening experience you thought you would have here. 

You sat on the balcony of the small apartment that you were leasing for the month; looking out, you saw all of the people down in the city. You brought your glass of wine to your lips, sighing—the music you had playing through your speaker filling the air around you. 

Sinatra always felt like a fitting choice to play as you sat here, trying to pretend this was your life. This had been your routine every night after sightseeing through the day. You would come back to the apartment, slip your shoes off, and pop open a bottle of some of the finest wine you had ever tasted. 

You had just gotten over another delicious meal. Eating alone in a restaurant was far less weird than it sounded in concept. It was something you got used to, not your ideal choice, but it worked. 

The next week was low key; you had already done everything you had initially planned to see. You felt your trip was accomplished from a traveler’s perspective, but for the spiritual side? Not so much.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“What do you mean, she’s gone?” 

“Hotch, I’m sorry,” Morgan said, “It’s really not my place to say why or what happened, but you leaving was harder than anyone ever would have thought it would be.” 

Hotch was in disbelief, “W-Where is she? She’s still in Virginia, right?” 

“The last thing she said to me was that she had a flight to catch,” Morgan said, his face apologetic, “We all tried reaching out, none of us really got anything from her.” 

“The last I heard, she was in Aruba. Taking an extended vacation, she said,” Emily chimed in. 

“Hotch, there was a letter sent here almost a month ago,” Spencer said, “From my memory, it’s her handwriting. It’s addressed to you.” 

Hotch beelined for his office, not even bothering shutting the door behind him. There he found stacks of files, but on top of it was a letter addressed to him in the loopy writing he  _ knew _ was yours. 

He could not believe you were gone. He knew leaving would hurt you. He knew that coming back would take even more to regain that trust after this type of abandonment. He never imagined you would resign from the team, nevermind leave altogether.

With shaky hands, he slipped the envelope open, revealing pages filled with that font of yours. His eyes welled as he read each carefully written line; he could almost hear you saying all of it. You always put every little piece of you in the things you did. 

For months he kicked and kicked himself for not saying those three words to you, but now so, more than ever, he couldn’t believe he didn’t. Reading you writing those words, he knew it took  _ a lot _ for you to say it. He knew it was a big thing for you.

He wiped his eyes, flipping to the final page. 

_ “You know where to find me, Hotchner.” _

He thought back to what Emily said,  _ Aruba. _ You  _ hated _ Aruba; you would never go there. He remembers the night like it was yesterday _ —Italy, _ where you wanted to go. At the time, he couldn’t think of a better place to bring you. But now? All he wanted to do was get you home. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


You threw your hair back in a messy twist, clipping it off your neck. The wine, heating up your skin. You turned the volume up on your music, wanting to hear it from your usual seat on the balcony, basking in the sunset you grew to love this month. 

Looking out at the beauty this city had to offer, you couldn’t believe you only had one more night here. 

Audrey Hepburn’s  _ Moon River _ filled the air; you took in a deep breath through your nose before exhaling. You so badly didn’t want to go back to the sad reality you left. At least here, you could pretend none of it was real. 

A knock at your door caused you to sigh. You knew your landlord would be around today or tomorrow to transfer everything back before your flight back. You put your wine on the table before walking back in from the balcony. 

Unlocking the door, you swung it open and almost fell flat on your face. Your breath caught in your throat, you shook your head before shutting the door again, leaning your head against the back of it. 

It couldn’t be real. You were seriously  _ losing _ it. You took a moment, needing to collect yourself. Whoever was  _ actually  _ behind the door, probably assuming you were mentally ill or drunk. 

You breathed in and out, then opened the door. 

Nothing had changed. 

Your mouth hung open in surprise. You couldn’t  _ believe  _ it. 

It was  _ him _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: AHHH!!! I was a MESS writing this one! What did you guys think?! As always, love hearing from you all! 


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven: But, I Promise You This. I’ll Always Look Out For You.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I am back with the chapter you all waited so patiently for today. This chapter’s name is based on the song this story is named after! Sparks by Coldplay, one of my all-time favorite songs. Listen to it through this chapter; you won’t be let down! 
> 
> This chapter is sponsored by Cape Cod Cellar’s 2018 Rose. They didn’t pay me, but I drank the entire bottle of wine, and this is what came from it!
> 
> TW: ANGST, Emotions, FEELS, Smut, and mentions of the miscarriage in chapter 25. 

**_“And I know I was wrong._ **

**_But I won't let you down,”_ **

  
  
  


Frozen, you stood there, overwhelmed with emotion. You blinked, wondering if the figure standing in front of you would go away. Your eyes, wide, could not believe who was in front of you. 

“ _ A-Aaron,”  _ You whispered, afraid if you said it too loud, he would disappear. In a flash, he pulled you against his chest so tightly; you  _ knew _ he was real. 

You let out a shaky breath as your face pressed against his chest, a breath you had been holding in for...you didn’t know how long. Your arms, stuck straight like pencils by your side, unable to wrap them around him. 

Hotch pulled back, holding you by your arms. His eyes welled with tears. 

He looked... _ different. _ He was thinner and his face covered in a beard. With a shaky hand, you lifted your hand and cupped his cheek. 

You opened your mouth to speak, but so overstruck with emotion, nothing came out. Hotch leaned forward, placing his forehead against yours. Suddenly then, you felt grounded. 

“What...I mean, how-” 

“Can I come in,” He asked, letting go of you. You swallowed thickly, nodding. 

You stepped aside, your head tilting, watching him walk into the apartment you were vacationing in. Part of you wasn’t still entirely convinced this was any bit real, whatsoever. 

You shut the door before walking over to him. You watched as he absorbed his surroundings, checking out the place you had been living in for almost a month. 

He faced you then, with pursed lips. 

“What are you doing here,” You asked, chewing the side of your cheek. Fidgeting your hands, you slowly paced in a circle, trying to digest all of this. 

“The team, they caught Peter Lewis,” Hotch said, frowning, “Y/N, sit down,” he walked over to you and guided you to the couch. Clearly, you were acting more of a mess than you had hoped to let on. 

Taking a seat beside you, you looked over to him, “A-And you’re...you’re alright? J-Jack’s alright? You’re both safe?” 

You felt his thumb brush the tears you did not realize were falling away, “I really should be the one asking you that,” He said with an apologetic smile. 

You looked around the room as if somewhere there were answers of what to say on the walls. Hotch’s warm hand gently cupped your jaw again, turning you to face him. 

“Uh,” You stuttered, “I...uh, made it to Italy,” You said, more as a summary of how you were doing, as if he could read between those lines. But there really wasn’t a poetic way to catch someone up on the worst eight months of your life. 

He chuckled, caressing your cheek with his thumb, “I see that, but really,” His eyes softened, “How are you?” 

You felt your bottom lip begin to wobble, biting down on it hard to stop the dramatic sounding gasp you knew would erupt. You swung your arms around Hotch then, burying your face in the crook of his neck. Your body shook with tears of the last eight months. 

The baby, leaving the BAU, moving in with your parents, your health spiraling, being reminded of the tragedies you suffered in that household, and feeling so out of control in life, that you thought you had to travel the world to get a grip. 

Hotch rubbed your back, holding you against him as you let out all of your tears. The tears were enough to show him how you really were; he just hoped that someday you would trust him enough again to tell him all about it. To let him make it all up to you. 

He carefully lifted your legs from where you sat beside him, shifting you, so you were now sitting across his lap, legs wrapped around his neck. Little did you know, there were even a few tears that slipped out from Hotch’s eyes too. 

Sniffling, you finally looked back to him with reddened eyes. You gave him a sad smile, “You’re back...you’re really b-back?” 

Hotch nodded, too overcome himself with emotion to share much. Brushing the stray hair out of your eyes, “I’m back.” 

“If there is a word bigger than ‘ _ miss you _ ,’ that’s how I felt,” You nodded, “I missed you so much, Aaron.” 

“I missed you, too,” He said, “More than you’ll ever know.” 

You laid your head against his shoulder, relishing in the idea of it all.  _ He was back,  _ but so much had happened. You lived an entirely different life for the last eight months. What if you were somehow  _ different. _

“You smell good,” Hotch said, taking you out of your worries, “Different, but good.” 

“New perfume,” You said, “I bought it while I was here.” 

Hotch continued to look around over your head, “How long have you been here?” 

“Since the last week of April,” You lifted your head from his shoulder, looking back at him. His expression, almost amused. 

“You’ve been here for almost a month, by yourself?” 

“Yeah,” You let out a sad laugh, “I thought it might bring me some,” You stood up from his lap, feeling you had the strength to walk again, “Clarity, I guess.” You grabbed your wine and the bottle from the balcony, pouring him a glass. You figured if he was about to head down the road of catch-up, you would need a little liquid courage. 

You handed him his glass, “Thank you,” He said, patting the couch for you to sit back down next to him. 

You left the balcony door still open, a subtle breeze filling the apartment. The fresh air was grounding. 

You took your seat back again next to him, bringing your wine to your lips. There was a hint of a smile on his lips when you met eyes. 

“What,” You asked, smiling. 

“You just have no idea how good it is to be with you right now,” Hotch said, sipping his wine. 

“I know the feeling,” You smiled, putting your glass on the coffee table, “How did you find me here?”

“I know it’s been a while, but you remember that scarily talented technical analyst?”

You laughed, rolling your eyes, “Yeah, I know the one.”    
  


“Emily also told me you were in-”

“Aruba, I know.” 

“You hate Aruba,” He laughed, “Your letter said I would know where to find you. The envelope also had Italian postage stamps,” He shrugged, “I put the pieces together.” 

You stalled then, “You got...you got the letter?” 

“Yeah,” Hotch cleared his throat, “Uh, you were the first person I asked for when I got the call Jack, and I could come home. Everyone danced around the topic until I finally stood foot in the BAU.”    
  


You looked down at your lap, “I wrote that on my flight here,” You said quietly now, picking at your fingers. You used to have such nice nails, ones you could paint and decorate, but you would bite and pick at them as a nervous tick ever since Hotch left. You looked up, meeting his eyes; he knew you were about to say something profound, it was like it radiated off of you, and he could decipher it. “Aaron,” Your breathed, “I need you to know that  _ a lot _ has happened since you left.” 

A remorseful look on his face, “I know,” he reached, taking your hand in his. 

You squeezed his hand, “You’re really here.”

He smiled, “I’m really here.” 

“And you’re not...you’re not going anywhere?” 

“Come here,” He gestured with his free hand for you to move closer to him. You scooted across the couch, letting go of his hand before he pulled you to his side. “I’m not going anywhere,” he kissed the side of your head, “If I have to make it up to you every day for the rest of my life, I will.” You turned then, meeting his eyes, “I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

“It’s not your fault,” You said, knowing  _ realistically _ it wasn’t. You just wished none of it happened like that. You wished you could have at least gotten the justified goodbye you both deserved, but none of that mattered right now because Hotch was here, and that’s all that mattered. 

_ Always the empath, _ Hotch thought. You always  _ understood _ why someone did what they did, justified or not. 

“You should be mad at me,” Hotch said, “You should be angry that I left with nothing, not that I had a choice, but still. Any normal person would be.” 

You laughed, “You and I both know, you found out a long time ago that I was  _ far  _ from normal.”

Hotch laughed, pulling you closer to his side, “Yeah, yeah, I guess you’re right there.” 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” You laughed, “It’s just…” 

“What?”

“I don’t know; it sounds silly.”

“C’mon,” Hotch said, poking your side, which received a small squeal from you. 

“The whole reason I came out here,” You sighed, “Well, I promised myself and my family that this trip would be beneficial to my mental health. I told them I needed clarity, that I needed to find myself. It sounds so cheesy, but up until today, I kept asking myself if this was a waste of a trip.”

Hotch frowned, “Why?”

“Because I didn’t feel any better. I felt like I was still the same person who left Boston over a month ago.” 

“And now?” 

“You’re here,” You let out a breathy laugh, “I came here to feel better from all of the pain I felt; what are the odds that on my last full day here, you show up?” 

Hotch smiled, “The universe works in strange ways, Y/N.” 

“It really does,” You sighed, feeling content against him. 

The two of you sat there silent for a number of moments, both of you coming down to reality. 

Hotch rubbed his hand up your arm; between the cooler air now trailing through your apartment and his warm touch, goosebumps crawled across you. 

“I know we have a lot of catching up to do,” Hotch said, “But I have wanted to do this from the moment you opened that door.”

You looked up to him with a frown, confused. Quickly, you were interrupted by his kiss. As much as it was intense and long-awaited, it was tender. He kissed you like you were glass and would break beneath him. 

Hotch’s hands cradled your face softly as you leaned into the kiss. You pushed yourself up from where you were sitting to straddle his lap. Your lips never leaving his. Your hands immediately running through his hair, you deepened the kiss, but everything about it remained benevolent.

Though there was desire within the kiss, there was nothing but devotion written between your lips. 

Instinctively, you ground your hips against him, causing a breathy moan to leave his mouth. You drew back from his lips slightly, pulling on his bottom one. 

“Aaron,” You breathed against his lips, “I need you,  _ please _ .” 

You did not have to ask twice. Hotch told himself he’d make sure he’d give you whatever you wanted until things were right with you both. 

Carefully, Hotch lifted you. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he walked to the bed that laid across the room in the small apartment. He laid you down gently, his lips moved to your neck, kissing. Each kiss felt like an apology for everything that had happened. 

Hotch pulled back, taking you in for a moment. You quickly met his lips once more, pulling at the hem of his shirt, wanting it off of him. 

Between kisses, he slid the shirt off. Your hands wandered against his bare chest, feeling every line and plane of him for the first time in eight months: scars and all.

It didn’t take long for his hands to sneak under your shirt, sweeping the cotton off of your skin. His lips found your neck once more, causing you to let out a soft cry into the room.

You forcefully pulled him on top of you then,  _ needing _ to feel his weight against you. You could feel his arousal against your leg as you shifted under him. Kiss by kiss went by, there was still too many clothes on between the two of you. 

You both made work of your jeans, sliding them off with your panties in one motion. Skillfully, just like you remembered, with one hand, he unclasped your bra, leaving yourself bare to him, between your arousal and the cool air that continued to fill the apartment from the balcony. Your skin yearned to be touched.

Hotch found the spot behind your ear that made your toes curl. Nipping at it softly, your eyes shut tightly, feeling the need arise. Your senses so heightened, you practically gasped when his lips left yours. Hearing the sound of his belt hit the floor, he pulled his pants and boxers down before returning his weight above you, his lips upon yours. 

This time, his hand began to trace its way down between your legs where you ached for him the most. Feeling like this was the first time anyone had ever put their hands on you once more since it had been so long, you threw your head back as his finger swept through your folds. 

Your hips bucked against his hand, moaning at the feeling. “Aaron, I need you.” 

“What do you need,” he said against your lips. 

“I need you inside me, please.” 

Hotch moved his fingers from you and began stroking himself before he lined himself between your legs. You were embarrassingly wet, but the fact of the matter was that you did not care whatsoever. You needed him, and he needed you. Foreplay and games could wait for every other day he promised to spend with you, but right now, the two of you needed connection.

With slow motions, he entered you. The two of you reveling in the feeling of return. He stayed still, seated fully within you. 

Caressing your face, he looked at you with the most sincere look you’d ever seen. Your eyebrows pinched at the look he shot you. 

“Y/N,” He whispered, “I love you. I just...I love you. And I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner.” 

Your breath caught in your throat, between the immense pleasure you felt and the  _ intense _ emotion you felt from those words. You looked at Hotch, exhaling as if all of the weight you had been carrying since the day you realized you loved him was removed. 

You brought your hand up to rub it against his cheek, feeling the scratchiness against your hand from his newfound look. You tilted your head, your eyes welling with tears from everything all at once. 

“I have loved you for so long,” You said, then his lips crashed against yours. You whimpered into his mouth, wrapping your legs around his hips, pushing him even further into you.

Lifting your hips, feeling the need for friction, you snuck your hands to his back. You held onto him like your life depended on it as he slowly moved inside of you then. Each thrust was met with a soft kiss or pull between your lips. 

Your movements together, though languid, were rhythm enough to bring you to your edge. You felt the tension begin to build within you. Gripping Hotch’s back, you moaned against his mouth as you were met with your high, Hotch never faltering. 

It didn’t take long for him to follow suit, feeling you contract around him. He groaned softly against you before catching himself as his body gave out above you. 

You pulled him down further against you, needing his skin against yours. You felt him grow soft within you, but the two of you still connected. He turned, so the two of you were sideward facing. 

“Hi,” You said softly, smiling at him. His eyes tired, you were sure from the last eight months, the traveling, and now the passionate lovemaking. 

He chuckled, “Hi,” raking his hands through your hair. 

“I love you,” You said with confidence. Knowing you could say it, all you wanted to  _ do _ was say it. 

Ear to ear, a smile grew on his face, “I love you, too.” He pulled you close.

Starting to feel the cold air around you, you shivered. Hotch rubbed your back, warming you. 

“Here,” he got up, you softly sighing, feeling him leave you. He reached for a tissue on your nightstand, cleaning you before he ran for your hand. He pulled you up and helped you get up from where you laid at the end of the bed.

Pulling the sheets back, the two of you got under the heavy duvet. You wrapped yourself around Hotch like a koala, your head against his chest. He stroked your back endlessly. The feeling of him against you could lull you to sleep right then and there, but as always, your mind is your worst enemy.

You stayed like that for a moment before looking up to him, “Aaron?” 

“Hmm?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Anything,” He said, his eyes closed but fully listening. 

“There’s a reason I think this whole situation fucked me up worse than anyone ever thought it would,” You whispered against his skin. 

His eyes opened then, looking down at you, he frowned in confusion, waiting for you to continue. 

“When you left,” You started, “I didn’t know it at the time, but...but I was pregnant.” 

  
  
  


  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I have so so much to say. First off, THANK YOU for all of the wonderful comments. You all make my day. Secondly, I wanted to say I absolutely loved writing this chapter. Many of you wished for angst, but I felt these two needed some closure after everything. 
> 
> Also, the person ‘Matt’ is based on someone who wouldn’t ever have the will or need to travel that far to make someone feel bad. They got off on emotional manipulation best, but I will say, this is not the last we have seen/heard of Matt. 
> 
> Lastly, I just wanted to put in a little blurb about the intimacy between these two characters. I have only been in love once, it was very much a strong dom/sub relationship, and there were rare times where the sex was like how it was in this chapter. I found myself wishing for moments like this chapter so often! Not because of the sex entirely, but the little moments. The little touches, gestures, etc., are more intimate than the act of sex itself sometimes. As a writer, my experiences have led me to feel this is super important to incorporate and balance between the rough/hot sex. 
> 
> AND FINALLY!!! THANK YOU FOR READING!! I love you all so, so much! As always, comment what you thought!


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight : Kiss me, so I remember how

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Miscarriage, health issues, S M U T. Like DIRTY HOT SMUT.
> 
> Per usual, I have my little A/N about a topic in the story, just trying to cover my bases so nobody is hurt or offended in any way! 
> 
> I just wanted to be upfront and honest with you guys as I have always been through this story! As I had stated, I have never gone through the heartbreak or pain of having a miscarriage, but I do believe these things, very so real, are overlooked in stories and media. I have dealt with reproductive issues since I was twelve years old. Nothing steals the innocence of your childhood more than a man, a stranger, a doctor asking at only seventeen years old if they cannot preserve your reproductive health, what the plan is. I live with endometriosis; it is in the top 20 most painful things to live with. Surgically, I have had tissue burned and cut from me from a young age. I am super open with and comfortable talking about, but others are not as comfortable hearing. From the age of seventeen to twenty-one, I was on chemotherapy to try and stop further tissue growth. Obviously, I am not sharing this as a pity story. I am comfortable and confident despite my disease(s). But I do feel these things are so far and few between to read. Thank you for giving me the platform to shed some light on these issues: chronic Pain, Chronic Illness, Reproductive problems, and Domestic Abuse. 
> 
> I work with the governor here where I live and all around The United States as an advocate for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Illnesses in general. Please do not ever fear to use me as a resource or a shoulder to lean on. I run a website and business dedicated to these things, and it is my one passion in life to be the person I needed when I was suffering. 

_ You stayed like that for a moment before looking up to him, “Aaron?”  _

_ “Hmm?” _

_ “Can I tell you something?” _

_ “Anything,” He said, his eyes closed but fully listening.  _

_ “There’s a reason I think this whole situation fucked me up worse than anyone ever thought it would,” You whispered against his skin.  _

_ His eyes opened then, looking down at you, he frowned in confusion, waiting for you to continue.  _

_ “When you left,” You started, “I didn’t know it at the time, but...but I was pregnant.”  _

You sat up, not wanting to see his reaction. Knowing good, bad, or in between would just make this wound that was all too fresh worse.

You looked straight ahead to the now dark apartment. The apartment you were staying in on your trip to Italy felt so small when you got here a month ago. Looking out now, you felt  _ so _ small in it. 

“I-I…” 

Hotch’s stutters took you out of your thoughts; you couldn’t hide the curiosity anymore. You needed to see what look he had written on his face. 

There were very few things far and in between that shocked Aaron Hotchner, but here as he sat up against the pillow, he looked aghast. 

“Say something,” You whispered, needing to know what was in that mind of his. 

He let out a deep breath, shaking his head, “I just,” He paused, I’m so sorry.” 

He was sorry? Sorry was the last thing you would have expected. Angry? Maybe. Sad? Yeah. Uncomfortable? Probably. But sorry? Now you were shocked. 

“W-Why are you apologizing?”

Hotch frowned, “Because,” He said, “If all of this didn’t happen, you wouldn’t have had to go through that, nevermind alone.” 

You paused, looking away from him, trying to process his words. 

“Do you want to talk about it,” He asked, sitting up closer to you. You turned again to meet his eyes. You had cried enough tears about this situation; you had nothing left to shed. 

“No,” You sighed, “I mean, yes. I don’t know.” 

Hotch put his hand on your leg over the blankets, his touch steadying your thoughts. 

“Start from the beginning; what happened,” He asked, just the tenderness in his tone caused you to melt. You were so prepared to be hurt by his reaction, you never accounted for this. The thought of him being this way never crossed your mind. 

“I was at work when you left, Rossi told me,” You started, “He brought me home, and I just...I just fell apart. Which was reasonable, I guess,” You stopped seeing his jaw tighten, knowing the pain he caused you, hurt him. “I can stop; we don’t have to talk about this.”    
  


“No,” He insisted, “Continue.” 

“Well, I finally fell asleep, and the next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed,” You said quietly, somewhat still afraid to rock the boat on the situation, “JJ found me after not answering my cell. I had an incomplete miscarriage...so, uh, I lost a lot of blood.” 

Hotch let out a shaky breath, his face the most apologetic you had ever seen it look. Guilt and sadness wore on his sleeve, “Do they know why?”

“With my health condition, stress takes a larger toll on me physically,” You shrugged, “So I had to, um, have a procedure to finish the miscarriage.” 

“Did someone at least go with you,” Hotch asked, hoping you did not have to go through that alone.    
  


“No, I wanted to go by myself,” You said, looking away from him then once again, “The whole thing was traumatic enough, I really didn’t want to be looking over my shoulder wondering if someone was pitying me.” 

“ _ Y/N,” _ Hotch said, disappointment in his voice as he dragged your name, “Why can’t you ever just let someone help you?” 

You snapped your head towards him, furrowing your brows. Now here was the reaction you expected --  _ Anger. _

“Because Aaron,” Your words thin with irritation, “That was not an experience I wanted to  _ share _ . Not an experience I wanted to go through to be- _ fucking _ -gin with,” You shook your head, “Do you understand how they all looked at me afterward? After you left, they looked at me like I was this porcelain doll that would break.” 

Hotch didn’t respond, he just listened and tried to put himself in your shoes for a moment, but the grief of know what could have been and the guilt of knowing he wasn’t there was too powerful. 

“Adding this on top of it just confirmed that b-by  _ loving you _ , I am weak,” You said, your voice almost a whisper. Your earlier thought of being dried out from tears was proven wrong then as a tear slipped out from your eye.

You quickly wiped it away but then felt arms wrap around you, pulling you close. 

“ _ Nobody,”  _ Hotch said firmly, “Nobody thinks you are weak. Just the opposite. Especially me. You are...I just am in awe of you every day, Y/N.” 

You allowed yourself then to look up at him, “I really wish I could believe you?” 

“Do you trust me?”

“Yeah,” You nodded, “Yeah, I do.”

“Then believe me when I say that there are two types of people in the world. People like you who are handed horrible things in life but  _ choose _ every day to continue despite it. And people who choose to let it make them hard and cruel to the world.” 

You bit the inside of your cheek; you wanted to believe him. You  _ really _ did, but it is tough to retrain your thinking on yourself after years of being with someone who destroyed your self-esteem. 

“I’m just sorry you had to go through that alone,” Hotch said before kissing your head.

“Yeah,” You let out a shaky breath, “Me, too.” 

“What would you have done,” Hotch said, “If you knew you were pregnant before?” 

You hadn’t thought much further than the situation in its entirety. With Hotch gone, the thought of having his child or being pregnant with his child when he was gone was just too painful to think about. 

“I didn’t really think about that,” You said, leaning into his touch more now, your eyes feeling heavy from the eventful day, “It hurt too much to think about what would have happened since you were gone,” The two of you both remained silent, “But, I would have kept it,” You said softly. 

“Someday, maybe,” Hotch said, kissing you once more before pulling you both back to lay against the pillows. He drew slow lines up and down your back, pulling you further and further into relaxation. Before you knew it, you were fast asleep, not even able to unpack his last comment. 

  
  


The morning came slowly. The two of you basked in the sunlight streaming through the curtains. You were brought to reality by Hotch’s lazy kisses along your jawline. His beard, so stubbly, caused you to giggle from it tickling your neck. 

You felt him smile against your jaw as he continued to kiss, “You’re very ticklish.” 

“It’s your beard,” You laughed, continuing to squirm under him. 

“Do you not like it?” 

“No,” You protested, “I love it, I think you should keep it.” 

“You do,” He hummed against you before lifting his head to look at you, caging you in under him. You leaned up to reach him, kissing him on the lips. “What will we do with a whole day together in Italy? Not the ideal amount of time to spend here together, but _ anytime  _ with you, I am not complaining.” 

“I can think of one way to start the day,” You smirked, your hand trailing down between the both of you. The two of you were still naked from your intensely passionate night together. 

Grabbing your thigh, he wrapped it around his waist, pressing your center against his. You lifted your head, claiming his lips with your own. His touch was gentle, but you wanted more. You tried to push, bucking your hips further against him. 

Typically his would have been something that aggravated him. He would be pinning your hands back or claiming dominance somehow, but now? Now he just allowed you to push those buttons he usually would not allow. 

Your hands found their way, tugging at the back of his head, pulling on the short strands of his hair. Against you, you could  _ feel _ he was holding back. You knew why. After the confession about the miscarriage last night, he didn’t want to hurt you, but you knew deep down, he could never hurt you. 

“Aaron,” You breathed between kisses, trying to get his attention, but nothing, “Aaron,” nothing, “ _ Aaron!” _

He snapped, pushing himself back immediately, wide-eyed. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re touching me like I’m made of paper or glass,” You practically pouted, you normally would not be this dramatic, but you were turned on and wanted... _ no, _ needed, him to satisfy that. Hotch’s eyes softened, but he didn’t move any closer, “I need you to fuck me. Like  _ really  _ fuck me.” 

He let out an aggravated sigh, at war with his own mind. One part of him wanting to show you what he’s missed the last six months, but the other part hearing of all the hurt and pain you went through, just wanted to hold you and please you endlessly. 

“So,” You raised an eyebrow at him, “Are you going to fuck me, or should I just continue using my memory like I have been the last six months to please myself?” 

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Hotch’s eyes darkened, lurching himself back towards you. His lips were on you like magnets; this time, his were the ones claiming yours. Just how you liked it. 

“You’re going to regret talking to me that way,” Hotch growled in your ear as his lips marked their spot on your neck. Your whole body arched against his, his rough hands found your hips,  _ nailing  _ them to the bed. You practically grunted at the force he used, but you couldn’t help but feel the warmth inside of you begin to grow. “That’s what you’re  _ not _ going to do.” 

Hotch pulled back, and you frowned at him, half unsure what he meant, half wanting to play the innocent game, “What do you  _ mean _ ,” You shot him your best pout with innocent eyes. He got off the bed, distancing himself from you. You already craved his touch again. 

You watched his jaw tighten at that; you had to remember that it had been  _ six  _ months for him too since the two of you had sex like this. You were crossing a fine line. 

“ _ That _ ,” He shook his head, “You’re not going to do  _ that _ . Don’t be a brat.” 

You did your best to remove the pout but kept batting your eyelashes at him; you were seriously playing with fire by the narrowing of his lips. 

“You’re also not going to move,” Hotch said sternly, “And you’re not allowed to come.” 

Your eyes grew wide; you thought at  _ least _ he would let you come.

“Don’t give me that look,” He shook his head, “You got to come last night and right now? You’re not acting like someone who deserves to be pleased.” 

You swallowed thickly, nodding in response. Hotch raised an eyebrow waiting for you to confirm, “Yes,  _ sir,”  _ you dragged the line, wanting to continue this teasing game.

“Get up,” He demanded. You decide it’s best to start listening now if you want anything today. You push yourself up, kneeling now, “Off,” He gestured to get off the bed. With shaky legs, you practically stumbled.

Standing there across from him now, he chuckled, “You seriously want to be fucked  _ so _ badly you can’t even walk straight.” You gulped just at his words; you were dripping, clenching around nothing, “Knees, _ now. _ ” 

You stuttered, quickly kneeling in front of him, looking up through your lashes. He walked closer, now aligned right where you wanted him -- in your mouth. 

“Open.” 

Your eyes didn’t leave his, opening your mouth. He did not waste any time filling your mouth. The noise you make against him is obscene; there’s nothing graceful about it. 

“This is what you get for that  _ mouth _ of yours,” he groaned; he begins thrusting in and out of your mouth. He has a pace that you have enough time to catch your breath; he’s anything  _ but _ gentle. 

Your eyes not leaving him. Hands behind your back, not daring to touch him right now unless you’re told. Beginning to blink tears, he pretty much growls at you, removing himself from your mouth. 

“I forgot how good you were at that,” He says, hand on your chin now, tipping your head back. Examining your reddened lips and tear-stained face, you look  _ fucked _ . 

“I’ll make sure you don’t forget again,  _ sir _ ,” you practically purr at him, doing just about anything now to get in his good graces, and you’re almost positive you’ve left a stain on the rug from just  _ how _ wet you are. 

“Good girl,” Hotch says, “Now get up,” he grabs you by the elbow, pulling you up roughly. He pulls you in for an aggressive kiss. You’re still stumbling over everything, trying to process it all; you’re barely putting effort into the kiss, just lazily dancing against his forceful lips.

His lips trailed down back to the tender spots on your neck where he marked you earlier. This time, his teeth were now added into the mix. The pleasurable sting as they swiped across your sensitive skin. The marks you would have there would be like no other, but you couldn’t find a single reason to care. 

You practically jump as your phone rings; Hotch laughed as the interruption just adds to his satisfaction. 

You look practically pissed, “Answer it,” Hotch says, moving his mouth back to your neck, his laughter sending vibrations across your skin. 

“What, no.” 

“That wasn’t a question.” 

You sigh, reaching on the nightstand for your phone; it’s your doctor who had been checking up on you weekly in Italy since you had been so severely flared up before your trip. 

With a shaky hand, you hit answer, “H-Hello?” 

Hotch took that as an opportunity to continue playing the game, his hands trailing all over your body now. Cupping your breast, his fingers run over your nipple, you had all you could do to bite back a moan. 

“Hi, Y/N,” The doctor said, “Is this a good time?” 

“A-Actually no,” You stuttered, “Mind if I call you back?” 

Hotch pushed your legs apart before his other hand swiped across your wet folds. Your knees began to buckle, you moved the phone as far away from your ear as you could. 

Hotch continued to laugh at his doings as his fingers slowly made work against your clit, a slow and tantalizing flow. 

“Y/N,” You heard the doctor question through the phone. Your eyes rolled back in your head, feeling pleasure take over you with each swirl of his fingers. 

“Y-Yeah,” You said shakily, “Sorry, I’m here, I don’t have very good s-service here.” 

“Oh, my apologies,” The doctor said; you only half heard what he said next because Hotch was pushing you back onto the bed. You couldn’t help but gasp. “Y/N, is everything alright?” 

You swallowed, nodding, “Yes. Yes, everything is fine. I’m just,” Hotch pushed two fingers into you abruptly, you bit down on your lip with force, “I-I’m at a museum, the  _ artwork-- _ ”    
  


Hotch pumped his fingers in and out of you with force, licking your nipple. If your body could gravitate, you were sure it was doing it now with how far you were arching your back. 

“Ah, I see,” Your doctor said, “Choked up over the art. It must be beautiful. I know how much you love painting.”   


“Ye-eah,” You stuttered; Hotch’s mouth sucked the skin on your chest as he continued to fuck you with his fingers, “I have to g-go,” You swallowed, “No cell phones in here.” 

“Alright, Y/N,” The doctor said, “I’ll talk with you soon.” 

You didn’t even give the decency of saying goodbye before you threw your phone across the room. You pulled Hotch up by his jaw, needing his lips against yours. 

He pulled at your lip, erupting a moan from you as you felt so close. 

“I’m impressed,” Hotch whispered against your lips, “You were good.” 

“Do I get to come,” You panted, your hands finding his hair again, tugging at it lightly. 

Hotch began moving his fingers in and out of you with such force you thought you would break into a million pieces around him, you didn’t realize someone could fuck you so  _ hard _ with just their fingers. Then again, it was Hotch. Nothing surprised you with him.

“Come,” He said into your mouth between kissing, “ _ Now.”  _

You started seeing stars as your eyes rolled to the back of your head. Your breathing hitching, the whole world around you went white. Blooming, your orgasm took over you taking to you to a high _ higher _ than you ever knew you needed. 

Everything faded together, you were unsure when he stopped moving inside of you or when he removed his fingers, but when you opened your eyes, he was looking down at you gently now. Brushing the hair out of your face with his other hand, “There she is,” he leaned down and kissed your nose. 

You tugged against him, still wanting to feel him against you, around you, inside of you... _ all of it. _

“You’re not only a brat, but you’re a greedy one, I see, too?” 

As quick as he turned gentle, he was back with the fierceness that lit a different type of fire inside of you. Roughly, he took you by the hips, flipping you, so you were now on top of him. 

You couldn’t help but grind against him as your core sat atop of him. He groaned, closing his eyes tightly. 

“I want you inside of me,” You moaned as you continued to grind your hips into him. He nodded quickly, you lifted, lining him up with your core.

Sinking down slowly, you felt his hands grip your hips hard.  _ “Fuck,”  _ Hotch groaned, fully seated inside of you; you leaned down, so your chest laid flat against his. Arching your hips gave a new angle of him inside of you. 

He started lifting his hips, painfully slow. You groaned, wanting more. 

“What do you want,” He groaned, your favorite question, “Tell me.” 

“ _ Harder,” _ You panted, your lips finding him, “Harder, please,  _ fuck _ .” 

You did not have to ask twice; before you knew it, Hotch was lifting his hips, meeting yours with strength behind every thrust. Hotch moved a hand from your hip to your hair, pulling it back roughly, causing you to moan loudly. 

“Oh, you like that,” Hotch said with amusement, pulling your hair back again, this time even harder. You moaned so loudly, you would generally be embarrassed, but thankfully you left the country tonight. “I want you to come when I tell you to, okay?” 

You nodded, feeling his fingers tangled in your hair. He pushed your head back to meet his lips, you whimpered into his mouth, feeling the coil begin to tighten within you. 

“Aaron, I’m close.” 

“Not yet,” He grunted, not letting up on meeting you thrust by thrust. 

“Aaron, _ please,”  _ You begged, pulling his lip then with your teeth. He chuckled, pulling your hair again, removing you from his mouth. 

“I like to hear you beg.”

“ _ Please,”  _ You cried, “Aaron, please, I want to come.” 

Pushing your face back to his, kissing you with dominance, “Come,” He said against you. 

You felt your limbs grow limp as the rest of your body shocked with the electricity of your orgasm. What was even better is that he came while you were, the feeling of him spilling inside of you, adding even more to the pleasure as you squeezed around him. 

Your body collapsed against his, entirely out of breath and over-sensitized. You could feel every nerve ending. Being so out of it, you didn’t even feel Hotch running his fingers up and down your back or kissing your temple gently. 

“Welcome back to Earth,” Hotch laughed as you blinked your eyes open, “How are you feeling?”

“Completely. Utterly. Fucked.” 

A vibrating laugh drew from Hotch, “Yeah, I would have to say the same, that was --” 

“Incredible? Amazing? Hot? Great? Mind-blowing? There are many words could use.” 

He continued laughing, “Yeah,” He kissed your temple again, “Yeah, those would all work.” He continued to hold you against him, tracing different lines up and down your bare back. It felt incredible. You hummed against him, nestling your face against his chest. 

“What do you say we take a shower,” He said; you looked up to him and nodded before getting up off of him, already missing the feeling of him inside of you. 

Hotch got up, walking to the bathroom before you even had the chance to get your fatigued body off the bed. You heard the shower start in the other room before hearing him footstep back to the bed. 

Before you could even protest, he lifted you bridal-style. You gasped, not expecting that. Even if you were to protest, you were pretty sure your knees would buckle and give out on you entirely. 

In the bathroom, he sat you on the closed toilet seat while he checked the water. You reached for your toothbrush and tiredly brushed your teeth. Hotch walked out of the bathroom again, coming back with a small bag from his go-bag. His toothbrush, razor, and deodorant inside. 

“You better not be shaving that,” You said, not realizing how threatening your voice sounded until you saw the look on his face. 

Wide-eyed, he looked at you, “Alright then,” before laughing. 

“What can I say,” You shrugged, putting your toothbrush back before standing, “My boyfriend is incredibly hot without the beard, but with the beard? I’m pretty sure we could have sex like that every day if you kept it,” You smirked before opening the glass door of the standing shower, stepping in. 

Hotch brushed his teeth before joining you, sliding behind you. His lips went straight for all of the marks he left on you, soothing them with his tender kiss. His arms wrapped around your front, embracing you. You let out a content sigh. 

“I think I really love you, Hotchner,” You said, almost a whisper. You felt his lips turn into a smile against your skin. 

“I know I really love you, Y/L/N.” 

You swiftly turned in his arms to face him now, meeting his gaze, “It scares me how much I love you, Aaron. It means I have all that more to lose,” You couldn’t help it, your throat felt tight with emotion, but the look on his face was like a lifeline for you -- Reassuring you. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Y/N,” Hotch said softly, “Not without you. Never again without you.” 

“Do you promise,” You said; your voice was innocent, soft, and sincere, but there was also a timidness about it that made Hotch’s heart want to shatter into two, knowing someone was wrong enough to hurt that genuine soul of yours. 

“I promise you this,” He started, “My heart is yours.” 

You smiled, feeling overcome with a different type of emotion now,  _ real happiness _ . You wrapped your arms around Hotch’s neck, squeezing him so tightly against you. 

“I love you, Aaron.” 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: AHHHHHHH IM BACK BITCHES!!! Okay Okay Okay I had to include the title and a lyric from the song this story is based around!!
> 
> ALsooooo!! THANK YOU FOR almost 20k likes on TikTok, almost 12k on Wattpad, and 4.7k on Ao3! I feel so loved and special! You all don’t realize how far kindness goes; it means the world to have your support. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think! Until next time where you’ll see the last day in Italy and the trip back!


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine: Wants what it wants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! So a short chapter here but an important chapter! I’m sorry if it’s not the cleanest written chapter, but I tried my hardest with my resources. My laptop screen completely broke and I lost all of my data on there, including parts of this book and my edits. 
> 
> Luckily I was fortunate enough to be able to go out and buy a new MacBook today and I’m hoping to have it with my data restored on Sunday. We will see. Fingers crossed! 

After dressing for your final day in Italy, you and Hotch made your way out of the apartment to explore in the few hours you had left. The lights, the history, the art, and architecture…there were so many beautiful things to look at. 

It was as perfect of a day that you could ask for. The weather was mild, and there weren't too many tourists at the spots you visited, allowing you both to enjoy what the city had to offer thoroughly.

The day went by fairly quickly, the two of you deciding between where to eat for dinner. Hotch, being the person he was, stopped a local asking if they spoke English. They did, and he asked where they recommended a romantic last dinner in Italy. 

The gentleman recommended a rooftop restaurant not too far from where you asked. The two of you walked there hand-in-hand, chatting about everything and nothing all at once. 

Hotch told you all about Jack the last few months, how devastated he was without his favorite drawing buddy. You couldn’t help but laugh at Jack’s reaction to Hotch’s attempt at a birthday cake. You made a mental note to bake for Hotch again soon to remind him of what baking should taste like. 

At the restaurant, the two of you were two or three glasses of wine in, looking over the beautiful city eating your dinner on the rooftop. You had about three hours before you needed to be at the airport; Hotch insisted you both travel back on the BAU’s jet; you couldn’t protest with that. Plus, there was no rush like a regular flight home. Besides, the promised time Hotch told Jack and Jessica he’d be back was the only thing holding them back. 

In the back of your mind, you told yourself to make sure you call and update your family on what had happened the last twenty-four hours while on the jet. Your mother’s opinion on Hotch, despite it all, was still high. She never stopped talking about meeting him after you were shot back when you first became friends. That said a lot to you, your mother’s opinion because there had been not one person you had brought home your mother and father approved of or cared for. 

The wine began to warm you, causing you to be less and less careful with the front you always felt you had up, even at times with Hotch. You were thoroughly feeling the effects of the drink, between the alcohol spinning you into a comfortable state of relaxation and the drunk feeling you got being around Hotch. 

You stopped yourself many times throughout the day, reminding yourself that he had been gone for so long. The two of you seemed to pick up right where you left off. Sure, the pain of his absence, still raw, but thinking about it now, your wine-induced thoughts told you that you never wanted to have to live without him again. 

Finishing up the second bottle of wine you two ordered, Hotch paid the bill. You felt warmth in your cheeks as you stood. You were looking over the edge at the lit-up city at night. Leaning against the edge of the loft, you took in a deep breath, trying to capture the moment mentally. 

Slowly, you felt two arms wrap around you from behind, Hotch’s face burrowing its way between your neck and shoulder. Pulling your hair off of your shoulder, he kissed your neck from behind, causing goosebumps to rise over your skin. 

You let out a content sigh, “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?” 

“Mhm,” Hotch hummed against your skin, “Even more beautiful with you.” 

You couldn’t help but let out a breathy laugh, “But seriously,” You looked further down to the crowds below, “I have dreamed about coming here since I was a teenager. The fact I get to spend it with you,” You paused, though the wine was loosening your thoughts, you didn’t want to say too much that would hurt you later. You tended to overshare when under the influence; you had so much you always wanted to share, but your guard still not allowing you to. 

“I know the feeling,” You felt Hotch smile against your skin. The two of you stayed in the embrace for a few moments, just enjoying and taking in all that was around. With the “normal” lives you hoped to go back to at the BAU, you weren’t sure when you could do something this spontaneous again.

The dinging of bells below you startled you slightly, causing Hotch to chuckle softly, pulling you closer. You felt dazed on your comfortable cloud of post-wine. 

You laughed, looking below, “Look,” You pointed. The ringing of the bells continued to fill the air, creating a sing-songy tone in the streets. 

Below ran a couple out from an architectural masterpiece that was a church. The woman was dressed in a modern white dress, and the man wore a tan suit. You couldn’t help but feel envious of the woman for allowing herself to be that... _ free _ . The woman looked utterly effortless as she held hands with her groom, leaving the church below you.

The people on the streets cheered, throwing confetti at the two. You smiled; it looked so easy to be that carefree. To forget about all of the hurt and pain as if nothing in your life had ever happened to cause you to retreat from the instinct of loving someone. 

“They look happy,” Hotch said softly in your ear, his words sending a chill up your spine, taking you out of your deep thoughts, “Are you cold? We can head back now?” 

“N-No,” You shook your head, still looking down as the couple below kissed before entering a car, “What time is it?” 

Hotch looked at his Rolex, “Seven Forty-Three, why?”

“I have an idea,” You grinned, turning towards him; you blushed both from the rush of adrenaline you felt at your idea but also at the four glasses of wine you had consumed.

Hotch furrowed his brows, “What?”

You pulled out of his embrace and flagged down a waiter.

“Can we open a new tab at our table,” you asked; Hotch continued to look confused behind you as the waiter nodded. 

You took a seat back at the table they had already started clearing. Hotch continued to stand, looking out at the heavy traffic of people below. 

“What can I get for you, miss,” the waiter asked.

“I’ll take a tequila shot,” You looked up at Hotch, “Babe, do you want anything?”

“Uh, if I knew what you were doing, maybe,” he chuckled. 

“Trust me,” you smiled to Hotch, “Okay?”

He nodded, then looked at the waiter ordering whiskey you knew he was eyeing earlier on the menu. 

“Any particular tequila, miss?”

“Partòn,” you asked; the waiter nodded before walking away to put your orders in. 

Hotch walked around, sitting across from you once more, “So, are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

You smirked, “Maybe…” you teased.

The service was fast given your drinks' simplicity, placing the shot glass in front of you with lime and his Old Fashioned glass with Whiskey served neat. 

“Drink up,” you smiled, taking your shot glass in your hand and tapping it against his. 

You tossed the tequila shot back with no issue, the familiar taste reminding you of college where you would make rash decisions like the one you were about to suggest so often. 

Hotch lifted his glass to his lips, eyeing you over the rim. You couldn’t help but notice the little hint of amusement he had as he watched you down the shot like a champ. 

“My idea,” you started; Hotch put his glass back on the table, looking up at you to continue, “So, you love me?” 

He frowned, “Is that even a question?”

“So that is a yes?”

“Yes, I love you, more than you will ever know, Y/N.”

“Okay, good, because I love you.” 

Hotch laughed at the innocence of the conversation. The two of you sounded like two elementary school students confessing their love to each other with no worry or fear of what was in the outside world. 

“Where are you going with this?”

“I have a crazy idea,” you bit the inside of your cheek, “This idea is so spontaneous and so crazy, but I thought this whole past twenty-four hour had been nothing but surprises and spontaneity.”

Hotch smiled, nodding, “I suppose you are right.” 

“Good because what I am about to propose,” _ the irony of that _ , “is that,” You stopped yourself feeling his eyes dig into you. 

“Yes?”

“I think we should get married. Tonight.” 

You expected Hotch to react by opposing the ridiculous thought. You genuinely expected  _ some  _ reaction at all, but no. Hotch’s gaze did not falter. He continued to look at you as he would if you told him you wanted pizza for dinner instead of pasta. 

“You think we should get married,” Hotch repeated.

“Yeah,” you whispered, now picking at your fingernails. Your leg was tapping erratically fast in anticipation. Starting to feel stupid and reality coming back to you, you looked away from him down to your reddened nail beds, “ah, it was a stupid idea.”

“I don’t think it’s a stupid idea,” Hotch corrected, your eyes shot back up at him, “If that’s what you want, I couldn’t think of anyone better to marry in my last night in Italy,” he teased.

You blushed, again, partially from the alcohol and partly from the sheer butterflies this man always seemed to give you. 

“I’d be lying to you if I said it was not something I thought about,” Hotch’s teasing grin softened to a more sincere one, “And clearly, your subconscious says you have as well before seeing those two strangers run into the streets.” 

You gave him your best  _ ‘guilty as charged’  _ smile, “Don’t you think this is crazy?”

“There have been a lot of crazy things to happen to the both of us,” Hotch laughed, “But this is probably the least crazy in comparison. It may be the bottle of wine talking or the fact that I made a promise to myself to continue every day as long as you’d let me make it up to you for these last six months. Either way, I love you.” 

Your smile turned sincere; you looked at him glassy-eyed. Hotch reached across the table, taking your hand in his. 

“Y/N, you’re it for me,” He said with seriousness, “Okay?” 

“Okay,” you nodded, feeling breathless all of a sudden. 

Hotch let go of your hand, but not before giving it a quick squeeze. Reaching in his wallet, he laid down cash covering both drinks and a generous tip. Standing, he reached his hand out in front of you, offering you to take it. 

Taking his hand, you stood, and the two of you exited downstairs through the building. 

Your inhibited mind caused you to forget about all of your commitment issues. The promise you made to yourself to never get married so far outside of your conscious right now, all you could think about was the thrill the situation was giving you. 

Deep down, when you should have been thinking about the consequences of this decision, you were too caught up in the moment. 

_ Little did you know _ , that once sober this whole thing would hit you like a ton of bricks.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: hii! So what did you guys think? Gilmore girls is my favorite comfort show and I always think about how Lorelei proposed to Luke spontaneously or how she ran off with Christopher and got married. Lorelei is a character that reminds me SO much of myself and what Y/N did, is do something I could picture myself doing if I was in love and drunk! My drunk alter ego loves to do crazy things that I regret later on haha. *cue me dancing on a table at my work’s Christmas party trying to get my boss’ attention* 
> 
> Any whoooo
> 
> What did you guys think? Some angst coming up as a result of this chapter. Love you all!!


	30. Chapter Thirty: I'd never sing of love if it does not exist, but, darling, you are the only exception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back, lovelies!!! I am back with a brand new laptop, which I hope can encourage me to write more and better after all of the money I just spent on it, lol! But also….I SHIFTED for the first time into the Criminal Minds world, and OMG. Aaron Hotchner is better in the Desired Reality than I ever expected him to be!! 
> 
> Thank you guys for all of the support here, TikTok (SSA.ki99), and Tumblr (TheSmileyKiley)!! I love you all more than you’ll ever know! Xx

You could feel your head splitting before you even opened your eyes. The turbulence making your stomach do somersaults; you stood up, eyes flashing open, and ran to the bathroom.

You were never a big drinker, even in college. You had your nights when you had a few too many, but the next morning would be a reminder to not do it again for a long time. 

Holding your hair back, you heaved the contents of your stomach in the small jet’s bathroom. As if reality was moving slowly behind you, somewhere between placing your head in the toilet and catching your breath, Hotch came in behind you, taking your hair from you. 

You slumped back on the cool floor of the tiny bathroom. Hotch released your hair, “Are you alright?” 

“Please,” You shook your head, the room far too bright, so your eyes were pinched shut, “You don’t need to see me like this.” 

“I know I don’t _need_ to see you like this, but I want to be here for you,” Hotch said. 

You shook your head, “How are you even standing,” You laughed, squinting up at him, “The last thing I remember was asking the waitress for a tequila shot.” 

Hotch’s face grew long; he frowned, “You don’t remember anything after that?” 

Feeling the acid in your stomach rising, you leaned up and reached once more into the toilet before you could even answer. 

The two of you sat in the tiny bathroom for about half of an hour until you had nothing more to give. You felt the sweat dripping down your forehead every time you leaned forward to empty your stomach.

Reaching down for your hand, Hotch helped you off the floor, steadying you with his hands as you felt weak. 

“Easy,” He said, his hands on each of your forearms, keeping you upright, “Let’s go sit back on the couch, okay?” 

Hotch helped walk you to the couch, gently sitting you down before he sat. You leaned your head against his shoulder, closing your eyes against the bright inside of the jet. You tried to think back to the events that happened last night. You remembered the dinner and the flowing wine. You remember asking for another drink—a tequila shot. Probably not the best idea after four glasses of wine. You thought to the saying of wine or beer before liquor, never sicker. And you felt pretty ill.

Feeling Hotch’s fingers comb through your hair lulled you to a relaxed state. Continuing to rerun the night, you remembered the wedding you witnessed below you. You placed your first thought when you saw the happy look on the woman’s face. 

You wished you could be so free. The woman had looked like she had never known or compared the love she had to heartbreak. You used to be like that. There was a time when you were younger when you dreamed of what wedding dress you would wear. You thought love was a fairytale, and Mr. or Mrs. Right was supposed to make all of your pain go away. But that was long ago. Now you know the realities.

You know that people come and go. Some leave because they want to, or in Hotch’s case, they have no choice. Then there is someone like Matt who threatened to leave so many times to hear you beg him to stay. You never wanted ever to have to beg anyone to visit again. 

When things were good with Matt, you spilled your dreams to him. These dreams you had always feared that you’d be thought of as weak or unambitious. Out of anything, you wanted to be able to marry. You wanted to be a mother and have a stable family to come home to. As a child, you sometimes envied the households where the parents worked heavily and rarely saw their children. Even at a young age, you knew that those parents worked hard enough to provide for the best despite the lack of time. 

As a teen, you cried once, thinking about how all of your friends’ parents set aside money for them for college, but you had to pay out of your pocket. Beginning to work at the age of thirteen, you learned the definition of earning hard-earned money quickly. 

You just wanted to give your children and family everything that your parents wished they could have given you. But that all changed after Matt. 

You spent years working on yourself after Matt. You retreated to you and only you. Days, weeks, and months were spent alone finding who _you_ were. For so long, you felt defined by what Matt told you, you were. 

You look back on those times and feel nostalgic. You had never felt so free. Removing all negativity from your life made you the strong, independent woman you were today. So now the thought of marriage and children scared the living hell out of you.

You did not want to end up just somebody’s wife or mother. You wanted to be _you_. The thought of handing that all over without any reservation terrified you. Now marriage was a piece of paper that could ruin or destroy one’s life. 

Sure, you thought about what it would mean to give Hotch that part of you. You would be naive and not human if you did not think that far ahead. Hotch was your one rule breaker. For him, you felt you could change for the better, but giving up yourself? You weren’t even sure you could do that for him. 

You were not sure if love was something to exist up until getting to know Hotch. You were not sure if it was some delusion of trying to get a grasp of reality or if it was just something you never learned the true meaning of. 

Before Hotch, you were confident that people who fell in love were either people who did not have any grasp on reality or they were in denial—but meeting Hotch? You learned far too quickly what it meant to find your equal.

Not only in the sense that you found someone who experienced the same definitions of pain but understood the ones he did not go through. Hotch was someone who knew how you processed because he did the same way. You had never known someone to know your next step. 

Deep down, you always tried to keep that part of you private. You liked keeping people on their toes, but all bets were off when Hotch got to know you. He knew you better than yourself sometimes. 

“Y/N?” 

You hummed, looking up out of your thoughts, “Yeah?”

“You really don’t remember last night,” Hotch sounded disappointed; you squinted at him. 

You exhaled loudly, “I am trying to think,” you shook your head, “The last thing I remember was seeing that couple leaving the church below the restaurant.” 

“Do you remember _anything_ after?” 

“Well,” You thought, “I ordered another drink, “Cause I had this outrageous idea,” You laughed but quickly noticed Hotch was _not_ laughing. 

“Do you remember what the idea was,” Hotch said softly, feeling like he was now walking on eggshells here, unsure how you would react? Sure, he was all for the idea as well, but then again, the two of you were both heavily consumed by alcohol. 

“Yeah,” You let out a shaky breath, “I am pretty sure I suggested we got married in Italy,” you started to laugh before your face turned cold-- Realization covering over you. You stood immediately, feeling completely panicked. The plane suddenly felt _so_ small; you needed out. Where were the parachutes? 

Hotch wouldn’t lie if he said he did not feel guilty about what his drunk actions led them both to do. That was never the way he wanted to go about things. You deserved grand gestures and big statements, not spontaneous thoughts and agreements. 

“D-Did we,” You stuttered, trying to recall the events of the night before. Pacing between the aisle, your hands in your hair, very clearly freaking out. 

“Yeah.” 

  
  
  


_“Aaron, this is crazy,” You exclaimed; the two of you were walking down the cobblestoned streets trying to find any person certified available to marry you at a church at this short of notice._

_“Me being put into witness protection? That’s crazy. My son almost being killed by the person who killed my wife? That’s crazy. Penelope freaking Garcia? That’s crazy,” Hotch laughed; you playfully hit him on the last part. “Me meeting you? Beyond crazy. Why stop there?”_

_“You know I’m not the marrying type,” You said, nodding towards him, “But right now, I really could care less.”_

_Hotch laughed, reaching the church, “I made a promise to myself not to get married again after Haley; I know the feeling.”_

_“But now?”_

_“It may be the alcohol or the sheer fact that I have never loved anything as I love you,” He pulled you close into a passionate kiss, “But I plan on spending the rest of my life with you, what’s adding a piece of paper?”_

_You chuckled against his lips, “You are seriously crazy, Hotchner.”_

_“Let us remember who’s an idea this was?”_

_“What can I say,” You raised an eyebrow, “I am very into the modern woman-proposing-to-man idea,” you joked._

_Hotch laughed, “So, what do you say,” He looked up to the architectural art piece called a church. Stained glass windows and all. You never fought your gut, right now? Your gut felt right here._

_You let out a shaky breath with a wide grin on your face, “I want to do this right now.”_

_“Alright,” Hotch nodded, opening the front door to the church. Inside lay a beautiful church that was an art piece itself. Looking around, you tried to take in your surroundings. The red, green, and blues of the stained glass or the grand piano and organ you just_ knew _played incredible music._

_“Hello,” Your voice echoed across the tall ceilings in the dimly lit room._

_Out came a Priest, bible in hand, “_ _Ciao, come posso aiutarti?_

_“Inglese,” You asked, hoping the Priest would understand you only spoke the English language. You silently cursed yourself for never finishing learning Italian._

_“My apologies,” The priest said, “How can I help you?”_

_“We were wondering if there was any way you could officiate a wedding tonight?”_

_“Tonight,” The priest asked in surprise, “Any particular reason?”_

_“Father, it is a long story,” You shook your head, “But, I love this man,” You laughed, looking to Hotch, “That’s all I know. He was gone from me for so long,” You shook your head, “I don’t want to spend another day or night without him.”_

_Hotch watched you with full sincerity as you spoke so freely. He had never seen you speak so easily without a filter._

_The priest nodded, “Do you have, uh, what’s the word,” he paused, “A witness?”_

_“Oh, no,” you said, looking from the priest to Hotch._

_“We didn’t think of that.”_

_“No worries,” The priest said, “I will need to document your passports and information vital to recognize you both are US Citizens marrying in Italy. This will be considered an elopement through paperwork, not a religious ceremony of marriage.”_

_“That’s alright,” You nodded, reaching for Hotch’s wrist. Looking at his watch, “We only have about two hours before we have to make it to our flight.”_

_“Well, I will get right on this,” the priest said, walking into his office to officiate the paperwork._

_While waiting, Hotch and you looked around at the beautiful works of art inside of the church. It was none like the churches in the United States. Your post-liquor escapade had you in a daze. You felt light and airy as you walked around the church,_

_Usually, you were so in tune with others and your surroundings. If alcohol had not been inhibiting your thoughts, you would be questioning everything Hotch was thinking right now. But right now? You could have cared less. You only looked forward._

_Hotch sat in a pew, watching you as you explored the little details of the church. His head may have been spinning as he had not drunk that much in ages, but all he could feel was joy and admiration watching you._

_“Alright, are we ready,” The priest exited, walking towards you both. Hotch and you nodded; he stood from the pew, meeting you where the priest stood -- the altar._

_Hotch remembered the last time he did this, with Haley. He had cold feet the entire night and day of the wedding. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was a mistake getting married so young, nevermind with all of his hopes and dreams ahead of him. He worried Haley would use his career against him, which turned out to be true._

_But now? Hotch felt none of that. It felt natural. Right._

_After filling out the necessary paperwork for two American citizens to be married in Italy, you both stood across from each other in front of the priest. The church was eerily quiet, but it almost made the moment more intimate. You could hear a pin drop, but also every breath or movement the other made._

_“Aaron, do you take Y/N for your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”_

_Hotch smiled at you; you noticed the small blush in his cheeks that generally wasn’t there. You were not sure if it was from the pure happiness or the alcohol. You could see the lines next to his eyes; he smiled so broad, it warmed the center of your chest._

_“I do,” Hotch said, assuredly. His eyes never leaving yours._

_The priest continued, “Y/N, do you take Aaron for your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?_

_Grinning ear to ear, you couldn’t help but let out an excited laugh, “I do, I really do.”_

_“Normally, this would be the part where we symbolize the rings, as neither of you is exchanging rings, we will just move past this part,” The priest said._

_Laughing, “We will have rings eventually,” Hotch laughed._

_“Yeah, he knows exactly the rock I am looking for,” You teased, Hotch and you_ both _knowing you were not the type for flashy diamonds as you wore the small amethyst earrings he bought you long ago for your graduation. You were simple….different but in the best way. He knew whenever the time did come where the two of you would exchange rings; he would bet money a diamond wasn’t even the type of stone you’d want._

_After saying a traditional prayer, the priest lifted his eyes to you and Hotch from his bible, “With that, I now announce you both husband and wife,” The priest said joyfully, “Aaron, you may kiss your bride.”_

_You giggled as Hotch pulled you in close, placing a tender but meaningful kiss upon your lips. Your lips moved with ease against each other, feeling the world around you stop. You tasted the whiskey on his lips as you licked his bottom lip, reminding you of your drunken encouragements tonight._

_Hotch pulled away, leaving you breathless. You looked to him with complete love. Tomorrow would come, and reality may set in, but loving him would not disappear._

  
  
  


“Aaron,” You shook your head, “Please tell me this is one of those infrequent occasions where you pull a joke and lose the Mr. Serious act.” 

Hotch let out a shaky laugh, “I wish I were,” He said, “but unfortunately in the eyes of Italian Law, we are-”

“Don’t even say it,” You spat, your words sharp. Hotch looked taken aback by your tone. You turned away from him, looking at the side of the jet across from you. 

Hotch stood, and you felt his presence behind you, putting his hand on your bicep, “Y/N.”

“No,” You turned and snapped, “I can’t do this right now, Aaron.” 

Hotch frowned, “We’re gonna talk about this like adults, okay?”

“Are you insinuating that I am not an adult,” You scowled, “Let’s remember I am and have been for a lot longer than the eyes of the law had seen me as?”

“I’m insinuating that we both made a decision last night, not one to take lightly, and yet we both agreed to that,” He raised his voice, “So you better think about this, and think about it really hard because this was your idea.” 

You frowned, “Do _not_ put this on me,” You raised your voice, “It was two of us; I wasn’t able to make decisions for myself given my state of toxicity.” 

“I had _just_ as much as you did, sweetheart,” Hotch said in a condescending tone, “And I remember making those decisions _pretty_ clearly.” 

You let out a frustrated sigh, “You are unbelievable, you know?” 

“I’m the unbelievable one,” Hotch scoffed, “You’re the one who _insisted_ on getting married, but now the light of day shows, and you want to run and hide from it.” 

“I don’t want to run and hide from it-”

“Yes, you do,” He corrected, “You _always_ want to hide from feeling things, you say one thing, and then you run from it the next minute, Y/N!” 

Hurt was displayed all over your face, “You think it’s easy for me to say that I want to marry you, Aaron,” Your voice low with anger, you walked towards him. You were seething, “You think it’s easy for me to confess that I _love you_ , after the last person I said that to hurt me in more ways than one? You think it’s easy for me to say those things after the last time I said them, the person who said them used the same hand they held my hand to slap my face?” 

Hotch stopped in his tracks then, feeling he crossed a line. His face softened along with his shoulder loosening. Sure, he had the hurt and pain of losing Haley. On top of that, he had the sting of knowing she cheated on him; god knows how many times. But he never would know the feeling of being of what it was like to be in a relationship like you were in with Matt.

Hotch hunted people like Matt down for most of his life, even as a lawyer, he made it his mission to throw men like that behind bars, so hearing you talk about this man who still roamed the streets somewhere hurt him. 

_“Please stay seated as we will be landing,”_ The pilot said over the intercom over the jet. You sat across from the seat you once were at, looking away from Hotch’s gaze. He knew there was a lot to talk about and a lot to unravel about why you felt the way you did. It would hurt to hear how you had been treated in the past, but it would give him insight into why you were so hesitant with everything to do with him. 

As the flight landed, you felt too hurt to even look at Hotch. It was all way too much to take in. He was your husband…. _your husband_. On paper, you both were married. Something you had convinced yourself you would never do, nevermind find someone willing to marry you. 

You had no idea what was to come; you just hoped whatever this situation brought, there would be a resolution between you and Hotch. 


	31. Chapter Thirty-One: You in all your vibrant youth, how could anything bad ever happen to you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends!! How are you guys doing! So sorry for the last few short chapters, here is 4,500 words of make up for that!!! <3 
> 
> Tomorrow I start classes AH! I have so much anxiety!! Haha. But I will know better then/this week how my schedule will look. Gonna try to keep up with the schedule I have because I usually spend daytime working on class and nighttime working on fun stuff like this!
> 
> So enjoy!!
> 
> TW: ANGRY SMUT. Talk of Domestic Abuse & Eating Disorders, Health issues
> 
> As I always am transparent, I am just sharing what I know from my own experience with an eating disorder, I am not trying to be insensitive at all!

“We’re in Virginia,” You frowned at Hotch, not remembering even  _ boarding  _ this flight due to your state of intoxication, “I haven’t lived in Virginia in months; all of my things are in Boston. My family was expecting me in Boston.”

Feeling he just continued to fuck up, Hotch sighed, “Let’s just get settled here, and I’d be happy to go with you to Boston and get your things.” 

You shook your head, taking your bags from the flight attendant, “You didn’t even ask me, what if I wasn’t ready to come back here?”

Stumped again, Hotch felt like waving his white flag, “I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“I don’t even have a place to stay,” You started walking away from Hotch; before you could get too far, you felt his hand grip your shoulder. You snapped your head back at him. 

“This is not what we’re gonna do,” Hotch said, his voice now elevated from before, “We made a choice last night, and whether we like it or not, we have to deal with it.” 

“You think I don’t know that,  _ Aaron _ ,” You spat, not budging the arm he held onto, “But I have responsibilities, okay? I have my family at home I have to take care of.

Hotch let go of your arm, “You think I don’t have responsibilities? I have a  _ child _ who I now have to go home and tell that I got married without him. How do you explain that to a nine-year-old,” He scoffed, “You think you’re the only one who has issues, Y/N.  _ Wake up; you’re _ not.” Hotch began to walk forward down the tarmac.

Not even caring about the scene you both just made, you walked quickly up towards him, mimicking his actions by pulling his arm back to stop. Hotch looked at you surprised, not expecting that from you at all. 

“We are  _ not _ doing this now,” Hotch said between his teeth; he was firm on this one. He pulled his arm away from you and continued to walk towards his car he had left there before leaving for Italy. 

You let out a deep breath, you could feel all the anger, frustration, and sadness rising in you. As you saw Hotch get into the driver’s seat of the black SUV, you shook your head, trying to get the emotions out of your mind. You had to face the music and call your mother and tell her you were in Virginia. You had to fill her in on almost everything, everything except the elopement. That would kill her. 

Hotch watched from inside of the car as you paced in circles outside, phone to your ear. He could still see the ‘11’ formed between your eyebrows from tension. He looked away, reaching for his phone. It was late too late to get Jack with the time difference and long flight. He sent a quick text to Jessica and let her know you both landed safely, and he would be by to get Jack sometime tomorrow. Jessica’s response made him feel better; Jack was excited to see her after all of these months. 

After ending a long conversation of questions from your mother, you entered the car. 

_ He’s back?  _

_ You don’t sound happy? _

_ It can’t be that long of a story! _

_ C’mon, Y/N!  _

She’d eventually get more answers, but now, you were too frustrated to get into it. Hotch began driving; it was complete silence. You looked out the window to the dark city you had missed in the back of your mind. The other part of you, though, felt a twinge of sadness looking at all the lights. So much had happened since you were last happy here. 

“So, you sold your apartment?”

Hotch’s voice took you from your thoughts; you didn’t bother giving him the satisfaction of looking in his direction; your eyes were still trained on the scenery, “No, I am leasing it. The lease doesn’t end until August, though.” 

Hotch just nodded; he really couldn’t argue with you on this one. Nobody knew how long he’d be gone; he really didn’t blame you for needing to leave.

“I can just stay at a hotel if that’s a problem,” You said tonelessly, knowing it would bug him even more. 

Hotch scoffed, “No, you’re not staying at a hotel,” he shook his head, “ _ Unbelievable,”  _ he said under his breath. 

You rolled your eyes, continuing to pick your fingernails raw. The familiar street Hotch lived on approaching. Nothing had changed with the exterior of his home, nor would it since he also hadn’t been here in months. You wondered if he had been back since everything happened. 

Hotch got out of the car first, though mad with you, he still grabbed your bags as well as his. Making his way towards the front door, you got out, taking a deep breath for whatever remains of this fight was about to happen. 

You followed inside right behind him, shutting the door behind you as he put all of your bags down on the floor. Before turning, you made sure you locked the door out of habit, knowing that would be the next thing Hotch did anyway. 

Before you could even step forward away from the door, Hotch had you caged in, pressing your back against it with his close proximity. 

“W-What are you doing,” You asked, confused. You were angry with him, yes. You were hurt, yes. He also seemed all of these things, so either your profiling skills were so out of left field you should rethink your career or hand something up his sleeve. 

“You piss me off,” Hotch said, leaning down, so your eyes met his intense stare, “But I still want you even though you infuriate me.” 

You furrowed your brows, about ready to push him off of you, not in the mood for his games tonight. It was not until you felt his hand make its way up to the hair at the nape of your neck and tug on it, you liked the idea of angry sex more and more. 

Sending volts of electricity to your nerve endings as he tugged, you couldn’t help but arch your back into him. You reached up to his shoulders for leverage. You were sure all these feelings at once were the cause of your knees being weak this quickly. Digging your nails into his shoulders, you saw his eyes narrow further at you. 

Quicker than you could blink, his lips were on yours feverishly. The kiss was  _ more _ than aggressive. Both of your teeth clashing against each other, there was nothing soft or graceful about the kiss. It was fierce with need and want fueled by anger. 

Hotch lifted your legs up, pulling you up. Not missing a kiss, he carried you upstairs to his bedroom. He kicked the partially ajar door open with his foot, practically dropping you to your feet. Breathlessly, you looked up at him. 

You could confidently say you and Hotch have had all different types of sex; passionate, rough, and all in between. But this? This was different. The look on his face though dominant was different. 

Not even bothering to turn on a light, Hotch’s lips found yours once more. Roughly he pushed you against his bedroom wall. The thud your head made pressed you further into his lips. 

Whatever the change was with Hotch, you were all on board. Though angry with him, you were turned on to no end already, and he hadn’t even touched you yet. 

Your hands moved to his hair, tugging lightly as the rough kisses continued. You wrapped your leg around his waist, needing to be closer to him physically. Softly grinding your hips against him, his hands found your hips quickly. With bruising pressure, he gripped them before pulling his lips away, “What do you think you’re doing?” 

You bit your bottom lip, his tone going straight to your core. Without skipping a beat, he ripped your leg off of him before kneeling, slipping your jeans and panties off in one swift movement. You looked at him with an almost shocked look on your face, not expecting that whatsoever. 

“I want you,  _ now _ ,” You swallowed thickly, nodding to him. He stood from where he knelt to pull your pants down. You stepped out of your pants and shoes, pushing them to the side with your foot.

Displeasure spelled all over his face, “I don’t give a fuck what you want,” He spat. His tone sending chills up your spine. “Take the rest of your clothes off.” 

You did, slipping your top off teasingly slow, then your bra. You watched as Hotch undressed, eyes not leaving yours. His eyebrows, still pinched close together as he kicked his clothes to the side as well.

The only light coming through was from the street lights outside the window; it was enough to see him but made all your senses that more heightened. He walked back towards you; he had an animalistic look in his eyes as he gripped your jaw to kiss you. Roughly, his lips attacked yours. 

You moaned into his mouth,  _ needing _ more. You wrapped your hands around his back, clawing at the skin back there, harder than you usually would. Hotch pulled back from the kiss but still gripped your jaw, forcing you to look up at him, “Don’t be a fucking brat.” 

Hotch’s choice of curse words was so foreign to hear but nonetheless  _ hot _ . Like really hot to hear spilling from his lips. You bit your lip, looking up at him through your lashes. His hand tightened more on your jaw; you let out a small whimper. 

Snaking his hand down to your throat, he wrapped it around you. Your eyes grew wide, aching with the need for him to touch you. Kicking your legs apart, he moved his other hand down between your thighs, quickly swiping your wet folds. 

You threw your head back against the hard wall, moaning, just from the light tough. He chuckled, shaking his head, “Doesn’t take much for you, does it?” 

You didn’t respond, causing him to tighten his grip around your throat. You nodded, “Y-Yeah.” 

“That’s what I thought,” He said coldly before swiftly slipping two fingers inside of you without warning. You gasped  _ loudly _ , eyes rolling to the back of your head. He pumped his fingers in and out of you, stretching you for him quickly. You already felt on the brink of orgasm this quickly, but he stopped just as soon as he started. 

Removing his fingers, he shoved them into your mouth. You were caught off guard but liked it. You swirled your tongue around his thick fingers, sucking on them before he removed them. You felt his body stiffen against you before taking them out of your mouth.

With the same hand, he lifted your leg back around his hip, positioning himself to your core. His other hand was still wrapped around your throat loosely. Hotch being Hotch, he gave you  _ the ‘is this okay’ look _ like he even had to ask despite all of this time. You nodded quickly, soothing the raised scratches you left on his back with your fingers. 

Slowly at first, he entered you. Your eyes never leaving one another. He still looked pissed in the dark, the shadows of his frown and tightened jaw, but the rough gruff that left his mouth said otherwise. 

You bit back a moan as he was fully seated within you. Standing, the angle was different. Hotch outmatched anyone’s size you had ever slept with, but this angle made him feel all the more so. 

The hand that was not around your throat caged you in above your head as he began to thrust into you. You whimpered a moan, feeling him so deeply in this position. He began to tighten his grip around your throat, still allowing you to breathe. 

Throwing your head back, you slammed against the hard wall, but you could have cared less. You ground your hips against him, thrust for thrust. Taking his hand off your throat, he tightened around your jaw again, pulling your head back to look at him. 

“You’re f-fucking unbelievable,” Hotch breathed, “You know  _ exactly  _ h-how to piss me off.” 

“The feeling it m-mutual-” 

He tightened his grip around your jaw; you wondered if you would have imprinted fingerprints on your cheek, “Shut up,” He spat, “Do you understand how hard it was not to do this to you on the jet? Show you just how much of a  _ brat _ you were being?” You swallowed thickly, shaking your head, “See, I didn’t think so.” 

Then he slammed into you so hard you couldn’t help but moan louder than you had ever. Feeling the familiar pull inside of you, you knew you were close to orgasm. You pinched your eyes shut, feeling it all at once. 

“Look at me,” He demanded, “I want to see you when you come. L-Look at me,” He continued his pace, pumping inside of you. The sound filling the room was obscene, but that alone could have gotten you off. “You’re close,” Hotch said, of course, he knew. 

You nodded, “I’m g-gonna…”

“Come,” Hotch demanded, slamming into you harder and harder with each movement. Your eyes grew wide as the orgasm took over you. You cried out his name, feeling ecstasy take over you. 

He let go of your jaw, and you completely fell into his crook between his neck and shoulder; it was only a few more strokes before Hotch came undone right after you. Cursing under his breath, he emptied himself within you, slowing down each thrust as he did so. You felt a second wave of fluttering as you felt him come inside of you. 

Leaning his head against your shoulder, he kissed it tenderly. A moment passed before he lifted his head and kissed the top of your hair. You felt completely out of it and spent, still slumped against him. The leg holding you up was now numb. 

Hotch removed himself from you before lifting you carefully and walked you to the bed before you could move. Your eyes were still closed, so out of it, you didn’t even want to open them—the thought of seeing just too exhausting in itself. 

You heard the sink running in the master bathroom, and before you knew it, Hotch was cleaning up both of your mess between your legs. The warm sting of the cloth against your very sensitive skin. You whimpered. 

You heard him walk away back towards the bathroom and suddenly felt so cold. You couldn’t help but shiver. You wished you had the energy to scoot under the blankets, but even that seemed like too much energy to drain. 

“Hey _ , hey, _ ” Hotch whispered, trying to get your attention, walking back into the room, seeing you shivering. Quickly, he lifted the blankets for you, helping you get under. It didn’t take long before he slid under the covers himself, pulling you closer to him. 

Kissing the top of your head gently, he caressed up and down your cold skin. You instantly felt warmed by his touch. The contact from him waking you up a bit, causing you to face the reality that the two of you had to talk at some point. 

You looked up to him with tired eyes, “I’m sorry, Aaron.” 

Hotch gave you a sad smile, “I’m sorry too, Y/N.” 

“Why,” You shook your head, “You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

Hotch sighed, looking away from you, “This isn’t the way it should have happened.”

Unsure if he meant the angry sex or the elopement, you frowned, “What?” 

“You and me,” He looked back, “You deserve so much more than just some spur of the moment thing.” 

“It was my idea,” You said, “At the moment, that is what I wanted. Subconsciously that is what I wanted, but the reality of it all?” 

“I know, I know,” Hotch said, “But it doesn’t mean that I didn’t want that. That I don’t want that. Because I do.” 

You smiled softly, “I’m sorry to break it to ya, babe, but you have it,” You laughed. 

He laughed softly, “Yeah, not the way I would like it, though.” 

You laughed again, now at yourself, “I just...I just don’t understand why you would even want that. With me of all people.” 

Hotch sadly frowned, though dark in the room, you could still see him, the two of you wrapped together so close, “What do you mean, Y/N.” 

You let out a shaky breath, “I have so many things. My health is one of the big ones. Nevermind the  _ crippling _ fear of abandonment I have that unintentionally you already brought back up by having to leave.” You shook your head, feeling a small tear slip, dropping against his chest you were laying against. 

Hotch let out a sad sigh, “Y/N, I promise you I am not going anywhere.”

You looked back to him sadly, sniffling, “You’re not the first person to promise me that, Aaron.” 

“Well, I want to be the last,” Hotch said quickly, “I will do whatever I can to prove that to you. I need you to know that.” 

Another tear slipped, “I want to so badly believe you,” You paused, “But, I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to rely on someone, and they leave. I don’t want to make my issues someone else’s and then has that thrown in my face. It is so easy to. Anyone can,” You stopped, “Do you know the reason my sister and I aren’t close?” 

Hotch tilted his head in curiosity. 

“Because my illness ruined her childhood. The nights my mother should have been home with her, she was in the hospital with me. Instead, my sister found the wrong crowd and ultimately blames me for it,” You shook your head, tears spilling freely now, “It’s hard to hear someone I took care of for so many years when my parents could not tell me that I am the cause of most of the pain in their life.” 

Hotch looked at you sadly; he caressed your back reassuringly; he had never heard you open up this much. 

“And my parents, they tried to convince me the rest of my life my dreams were unattainable because of my health. That I couldn’t handle both,” You continued, feeling you were already here, mine as well continue, “I felt like nobody could ever understand.” You sighed, “Then I met Matt.” 

Hotch nodded, wanting you to know he was listening sincerely, “You don’t have to.”

“No, I want to,” You protested, “You n-need to know. You need to know why I am the way I am,” You let out a self-deprecating laugh, “Matt continuously made fun of my illness. He would laugh at the things I couldn’t do or point them out in a crowd.”

“Things you couldn’t do?”

“There are a lot of things I try not to do because they’ll put me in even more pain,” You shrugged, “There was this one time we were on vacation in Colorado, we went snowmobiling. He was going  _ so  _ fast and losing control of the wheel. Between the cold weather and being whipped around, holding onto the back of him for dear life, I had never hurt so badly.” You shook your head, “He was  _ so _ angry with me that I had to end it early. We were on vacation with his whole family, and he had them all blaming me.” 

“That’s-”

“Horrible, I know,” You said, “But that’s not even the half of it.” 

“Y/N, I mean it, you really don’t have to,” Hotch’s hand reached up to your cheek, pushing the hair behind your ear. 

“I want to; I want you to know,” You corrected, “When we lived together, Matt constantly commented on my weight.  _ Constantly.”  _ You paused, “He would say I was not attractive enough.”

Hotch couldn’t imagine anyone telling someone as caring and kind as you things like this. His heart hurt hearing this. He felt frozen in his own pain, feeling the hurt you had gone through in him. 

You took another deep breath, “He would cheat on me, and then when I would be upset, he would say that there was a reason he wasn’t sexually attracted to me and blame my reaction on it,” You wanted to cry, but no tears would come out, you did not have any more tears for Matt. “I developed an u-um eating disorder when I was eighteen because of all of it. And the stress of it all had me hospitalized on the monthly due to the stress of our relationship.” 

“Why did you stay,” Hotch asked; as an outsider, it was so easy to say  _ leave _ , but once in it, it was not so easy. 

You shrugged, “Because he made me feel so unlovable,” You felt the tears forming now. You were almost taken aback by the tears, not knowing you had any left to cry, “He made me believe that I should have been lucky someone like him pitied me enough to love me.” 

Hotch squeezed you a little tighter, not knowing the words to say yet, but needing you to know he was there physically. 

“And when he left, he made it known to me that  _ nobody  _ would ever want to put up with this again. Everyone would leave just like he did. Just like friends did over time. It was all too much.”

Hotch tipped your jaw to look at him, “Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N, you are not unlovable. You are not any of those things,  _ okay _ ,” He said; you bit your lip, holding back the tundra of emotions that wanted to come out, “I have never,” he shook his head, not believing he was finally admitting this, “Never felt this way about someone, not even Haley,” Your eyes grew wide then at his statement, “I have never been  _ so  _ attracted to someone, I have never been so  _ in love _ with someone,  _ okay?”  _

Suddenly, after all of the words spoken tonight, you felt speechless. You knew what you felt for Hotch was more than you had felt for any other. You knew that the moment he was not there. You knew you had never felt emptiness like that before; even after Matt left, you had never felt that vacant. 

“I just want to trust you, okay,” You said, your voice thick with emotion, “I want to trust that you’ll stay. I want to trust that you won’t leave or go off with someone else because I get boring someday.”

Hotch smiled, “I can one thousand percent promise you that you will never bore me,” Hotch laughed, pulling you closer, tucking you under his chin, “And I am not going anywhere without you. I said it before, and I’ll say it a million more times, you are it for me.” 

You hugged him so tightly then, trying to express the words you could not form through touch. He reciprocated the touch by squeezing you just as tightly. He kissed a soft kiss against the top of your head. 

You sat up and looked up at him with teary eyes; he smiled at you, “Come here, my sweet girl,” he opened his arms back up, holding you even closer than before. 

“I love you so much,” You said into his chest, “It hurts; that's how much I love you.” 

Hotch laughed against you, kissing your temple several times, “I know the feeling, sweetheart.” 

The two of you laid there half-awake for another hour, just enjoying each other’s closeness. Hotch caressed your bareback as you drew lazy lines up and down his chest as you curled into his side. 

“Now what,” You said, your voice heavy from tiredness.

“What do you mean,” Hotch frowned, not following.

You looked up, “We got married,” you laughed, still in disbelief, “You left. I left. We got married.” 

“Right,” he chuckled, “Well I can tell you one thing, whether or not you want to acknowledge it out loud yet or not, I am not signing another divorce paper ever again,” He said, “Besides, whenever we decide to share that, whatever we decide to do, we’re already a few steps ahead.” 

You laughed against him, “I can’t argue with that one,” You smiled at him. 

“So, is that you saying yes?”

You frowned, confused, “Saying yes to what?”

“Marrying me,” Hotch said with all sincerity. 

“We’re already married, silly.” 

“In the eyes of Italian law, yes, but I never got to ask you,” He laughed, “If I remember correctly, you asked me.” 

“I am very progressive like that,” You teased, “I hope it didn’t knock your masculinity.” 

Hotch rolled his eyes, “Listen,” He said, “I am old fashioned in the sense that I would have preferred to get your family’s blessing and probably would have gotten down on one knee with a ring I knew you would have loved…” 

You blushed at his sweet words, “Alright, old man. But?”

Hotch gave you a glare at your choice of words, teasing at the gap between the two of you, “ _ But _ we are doing things a little backward,” He laughed, “I wouldn’t expect anything less from us. So knowing you’d say yes to the down on one knee with the ring thing that may or may not happen in the future, would be helpful.” 

“Ah,” You smiled, “That thing.” 

“Yes,” he poked your side, and you squirmed, “So?” 

“So, is this a proposal, Hotchner?” 

“No,” He said, “Well, I guess it is one backward,” He laughed, “Knowing you say yes before the grand gesture.” 

You rolled your eyes, “I am not a grand gesture type of girl, so please don’t embarrass me.” 

“So, that’s a yes?” 

You smiled ear to ear, “Yes, Hotchner, I’ll say yes when you propose,” You laughed as he pulled you so tightly, “Even though technically I already agreed and did marry you.” 

You leaned up smiling, meeting his grin. He looked so young with the smile on his face, beside the small lines by his eyes. He caressed your cheek before pulling you in for a tender kiss. It took your breath away, the softness of it. 

“So, legally, am I Mrs. Hotchner?” 

Hotch laughed, “I’m pretty sure I remember you saying Y/N Hotchner over and over again to the Priest after signing the paper, asking him if he agreed it had a nice ring to it.” 

Your eyes grew wide, “ _ I didn’t!” _

Hotch nodded, “Oh, you did,  _ Mrs. _ Hotchner.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: AHHH what an emotional rollercoaster. I cried writing some of this and I NEVER CRY like what. What is happening to me hahhaa. But as always, thank you for reading. 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR 15K! And over 800 on TikTok! You guys are crazy for following me and I love you. 
> 
> As always, what did you think?!


	32. Chapter Thirty-Two: But you got a heart so big, it could crush this town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends!! Thank you so much for 16k on this story; you guys have no idea what it means to me. I hope you all had a great Monday and enjoy this chapter! 
> 
> TW: Smut

Staring at the ceiling, the light shined through the curtains creating shapes. You watched closely as the light danced across the room. Steady breathing next to you, you felt content that you could finally be alone and digest your thoughts. 

You thought back to the conversation your mother had with you years ago after Matt. The dreaded discussion of why you had not put yourself out there. 

_ “I just...I’m not looking at the moment, mom,” You shook your head, flipping through the magazine in front of you.  _

_ “This is coming from the girl who used to buy every Nicholas Sparks book, read every column in Cosmopolitan magazine, and believed that even vampire love could have existed.”  _

_ “Always gotta bring up the Twilight phase, don’t you,” You tried teasing, your mom’s face not changing from the seriousness displayed blatantly across.  _

_ “Y//N,” She sighed, “I just want you to be happy. If I thought you wanted to be alone, I would be happy for you, but I know deep down the only reason you have not put yourself out there is because you’re scared-”  _

_ “I’m not scared.”  _

_ “You are, honey,” Your mom grabbed your hand across the table, “Rightfully so, but still,” You looked up from the magazine then, “I think it is braver to learn to love again after all of the pain you’ve been through. You deserve to find someone who will love and take care of you, but to find that, you need to start letting people in.”  _

And that line has stuck with you ever since. It  _ was _ braver to love again. It was a thousand times harder to allow yourself to fall entirely _. _ If you looked at any other life experience the same way you looked at your view of love, you would have gotten nowhere. The BAU would have continued to be just a dream, not a reality. Looking at all your failures, you never allowed those to stop you from  _ trying _ . But with love? You let those failures prohibit you from truly  _ feeling. _

Surrendering to love, to the fall, was the bravest thing of all you could do. Looking over to Hotch’s chest rise and fall on the other side of the bed, you could not imagine a more perfect person waiting at the other end of the fall. 

Feeling eyes on him, slowly Hotch blinked his eyes awake, finding your pair looking over him. He gave you a sleepy smile, still trying to adjust his eyes to the morning light. 

“Good morning,” You whispered. 

  
Hotch laughed, “How long have you been up staring,” you chuckled softly, he raised an eyebrow, “What are you plotting my murder or something.” 

You pushed him softly, “No, you idiot,” you shook your head before scooting closer, resting your chin on his bare chest, “I was just thinking.” His eyes grew wider, knowing your thoughts tended to get the best of you, “Nothing bad.” 

“Good,” Hotch laughed with relief, his hand snaking up your bareback, tracing lines up your spine, “Can I ask you what you were thinking of?” 

You bit your cheek, “About my mom.” 

Hotch frowned, “Your mom?” 

“Something she told me right before I moved to Virginia,” You nodded, “She told me that it’s brave to fall in love after heartbreak, and I think that’s something that,” You shrugged, “Well applies to the both of us.” 

Hotch gave you a sad smile, he had been open to you about Haley in the past, but there were many things he still had not shared with you that he wanted to. 

“Come here,” He said, his voice gruff with emotion, your words touching him more than he would ever let on. He gestured for you to snuggle closer to him. Leaning his head down, he kissed you passionately on the lips.

“I love you,” You said to him, without a doubt, “I am  _ in _ love with you.”

He smiled, resting his forehead against yours, “Good because the feeling is mutual.” 

You sighed, feeling content in his arms as you rested your head back against his chest. He continued to stroke your back, leaving goosebumps on your skin as he did so. 

“Can’t we just stay here all day?” 

Hotch laughed, “As nice as that sounds, I think it’s important we go into the BAU today,” he kissed the crown of your head, “But we don’t have to rush,” his hands trailed from your back around to your front, drawing a line right under your breast. You shivered in pleasure against him, he smiled, “I think a long shower would be nice.” 

You perked right up at the sound of that; Hotch laughed at your enthusiasm. Climbing off of him and out of bed, you practically skip towards the master bathroom.

Hotch, taking his time, gave you some time to brush your teeth, “What’s taking you so long, old man,” you said, toothbrush in mouth. 

You heard the grown come from the bedroom as you put your toothbrush down, to turn the shower on as hot as you could take it. 

“Old man,” Hotch walked into the steam-filled bathroom, raising his eyebrows at you, “Really?” 

You giggled, “It’s fun teasing you,” opening the glass shower door, you walked in, sighing as the hot water hit your skin. Given your state of lack of clothing, it didn’t take long for Hotch to follow.

Swiftly, he wrapped his arms around you, not even caring that the stream of water was hitting him right in the face. You pressed the front of your body against him, kissing the underside of his chin, feeling the stubbly hairs from his beard against your lips. 

“I told you I liked this right,” You said in a low voice, “Cause it really is... _ hot _ .” 

Hotch laughed, covering every plain of your body with his hands at once it felt, “I think you mentioned something about it.” 

You looked up, meeting Hotch’s stare as if he knew  _ exactly _ what you were thinking; his eyes grew dark. Quickly, before you knew it, your back was against the cold tiles of the shower wall, and Hotch’s lips were dancing against yours. 

His hand found your breast, cupping them and tracing over your hardened nipple. The feeling of the cold tile with the hot water hitting you was a combination of senses. You moaned into his mouth as the kiss heated up. 

Your body pressed further into him, needing to be closer. Hotch left your lips and laid kisses along your jawline and then your collarbone. Pushing your head back and arching into his touch, you couldn’t help but let out a small moan that echoed in the stall of the shower. 

“As much as I want to have my way with you,” Hotch said between kisses, now sneaking between your breasts, “The only thing I can think about right now is being inside of you.” 

You bit your lip at the words leaving his, nodding; your hands pulled his head from your chest to your mouth. You kissed him with fever, wrapping your right leg around his hips, pressing your hot heat against him. He groaned against your lips, his hand moved to your leg, pulling it tightly against him.

You stood on your tiptoe, like last night, to reach him. After realizing how much he hated the old jokes, you made a mental note to mention that bending down like this to get you would be bad for his posture at his age. Needing him far too much right now, you didn’t want to dance with fire right now. 

Hotch lined himself up with your core; you nodded eagerly. He chuckled at your need before wasting no time whatsoever, thrusting deeply into you --Hitting your cervix, your mouth found his shoulder, your teeth marked him. 

The water dripped down your back as you held yourself up against him. He continued to hit you just at the right angle; you surely left marks on his shoulder. 

Hotch’s hand found your wet hair, tugging it back so he could look at you. You whimpered at the action, his thrusting not letting up. 

“Look at me,” Hotch said in a low tone, causing your leg to wobble more so. You felt like it was going to give out from under you as he relentlessly pumped into you. You did not dare shut your eyes, just continued to stare straight into his. 

The intimacy in watching his darken and yours squint in pleasure was enough to get either of you off on its own. Leaning your head against the tile, Hotch’s fingers left your hair and made their way between the two of you to the bundle of nerves between your folds. 

As always, he found the perfect rhythm with his rough fingers against your highly sensitive clit. You gasped for air as he circled, not letting up on hitting your g-spot with every thrust as well. The pleasure almost so overwhelming, you didn’t know what to do with yourself. Holding onto him tightly, you felt your orgasm creep on you quickly. 

Convulsing against him, he rode you through your high. His smile was against you as he attached his mouth to the sweet spot on your neck. Tightening around him, you felt him follow in suit—the twitching feeling inside of you sending waves of a smaller, second orgasm through you. 

Collapsing breathlessly against him, Hotch let go of your other leg to regain your balance, but still holding your weight up with his arms. Between the water running and the drumming in your ears, you could just faintly hear Hotch calming you, “Shh,” as he stroked your back. 

“Jesus,” You breathed, coming back to consciousness, you looked up to him, his face far more relaxed now, “If there were award out there for best fuck around, you would win by a landslide,” you practically wanted to cover your mouth at your brass statement, but you couldn’t help it fall from your lips. 

Hotch laughed, looking at you wide-eyed, “Honey, we do more than just ‘ _ fuck’,”  _ He shot you such a dominating look, you were sure he was ready to have his way with you but, if you had any plans of making it to the BAU before dark, it would have to wait. 

You blushed as Hotch reached for the shampoo on the wall, “Turn,” He said, and you did. His hands found your scalp, lathering the soap through your locks. You moaned in pleasure; it was one of the best feelings. Hotch stalled, “If you keep making noises like that, we will never get our day started.” 

You chuckled softly, “Sorry.” 

He continued, his fingers circling your head, “Don’t apologize, just save it for later,” He said before placing a kiss on your bare shoulder. 

After washing the soap from your hair and combing the conditioner through the ends, you let it sit while you watched Hotch wash his hair. You couldn’t help but smirk at how he looked when he did so. Watching him do something so  _ normal _ sometimes felt like seeing a teacher outside of school. Of all things, washing his hair made you feel like that.

He was the tough, hard-ass boss that would slam his hands against tables in an interrogation room. Seeing him so at ease almost felt unnatural. 

Hotch caught you staring once more; he tilted a brow at you, “Yes?” 

“Oh, nothing,” You laughed, his expression didn’t change, “It’s just...I don’t know even after all of this time, together or apart, seeing you so…”

“... _ So?” _

“So normal,” You giggled, “I don’t know, it still feels like running to your teacher at a grocery store instead of a classroom.” 

Hotch laughed, “Are you comparing me to an elementary school teacher?” 

“No, no,” You shook your head, “I’m just saying you were my boss long before we started any of this, and sometimes its just surreal,” You laughed again, “Plus the whole you being my boss thing just kind of makes it ten times hotter,” You said shamelessly. 

Hotch shook his head with laughter, “You’re something else, Y/N.” 

“And you love me for it,” You said with pride. 

Hotch walked forward in the shower, placing a soft kiss on your lips, “Yes, I do,” You hummed against him, “That being said, I think it’s important we set up a meeting with Strauss.” 

You shot him a frightened face, “That’s  _ if _ I have my job back after abandoning the whole team.” 

“You’ll get your job back,” Hotch said, turning you to wash the conditioner out of your hair, “But there is something I want to talk to you about before we go in there.” 

You turned to him with a frown as he turned the shower off, stepping out first to help you out behind him. He wrapped you in a towel before covering himself. The two of you padded back to the bedroom; you sat on the bed in your towel and watched him start to dress, walking into the walk-in closet. 

“What did you have to talk to me about,” You said hesitantly. The thought of reassignment was always in the back of your head when it came to bringing this up with Strauss finally. It had not been something you thought about for a long while, though, given you had not stepped foot in the BAU, nevermind alongside Hotch, in over six months, “Is this about me having to be reassigned?” 

Hotch stepped out of the closet, buttoning the top buttons of his dress shirt, “No,” he said, “This is about me.” 

You frowned further, “What do you mean, you,” You shook your head, “They wouldn’t reassign you, would they? God, I hope not. I don’t think I could stand the place without you,” You let out a nervous laugh. 

“No,” Hotch said before sighing, “If the last six months have shown me anything, I need to be there for Jack. This job has affected him enough,” He shook his head, “More than enough. So, I need to consider my options, and one that I am considering is taking an early retirement package Strauss offered me back when Haley passed.” 

Your face grew pale; you were expecting anything  _ but _ that. This job was so much a part of Hotch that it was you. You knew he couldn’t sit still; you knew he wasn’t the type of guy to sit at home and read the newspaper. 

“You have to be kidding right,” You said shakily, “You can’t just... _ leave!”  _

Hotch frowned at you, “If it’s what’s best for Jack, I will,” He corrected, “What’s best for him is best for me.” 

You stood, clutching your towel as you paced, “W-What about me, Aaron? I’ll never see you if I go back to those hours,” You knew you sounded selfish at the moment, but right now, you couldn’t think straight. The thought of having to go back into that jungle alone was far too hard to bear.

“This isn’t a final decision, Y/N,” Hotch reassured, grabbing your shoulders to stop pacing, “So please let’s not jump to rash conclusions,” He gave a small smile. 

You couldn’t look at him; you just looked at the spot on the ground where your shoes had been kicked off from last night, looking back up to him quickly, “If you don’t come back, I am leaving the BAU. I want to work a nine to five somewhere.”

Hotch frowned again, sighing, “That’s not what you would want,” He shook his head, “Y/N, the BAU is where you belong.” 

“Yeah,” You scoffed, “And one could argue it is where you belong too, okay?” You walked out of his grip to the walk-in closet where your clothes he put before he left still hung. Dropping your towel, not caring whether he was looking or not, you slipped on your clothes. 

Hotch made the bed, his frustration not leaving his face, sighing, he took a seat, feeling fully defeated on the now made bed. 

Before walking out of the closet, you took a deep breath to calm yourself down and get hold of whatever anger, sadness, or fear was about to leave your mouth. 

Both hands on your hips, you walked to the edge of the bed where he sat, “Aaron, I will support whatever decision you make,” You swallowed, “Because I love you,” He gave you a sad smile, “But it would also be unsupportive as someone who loves you not to tell you this.” Hotch shot you a confused look, “You are Jack’s hero. His ultimate hero and the older he gets, the more he understands how truly a hero you are, not in the superhero sense, but as close as you can get in this reality.”

Hotch tilted his head, listening to your words, “That doesn’t make it any safer for him if I am constantly finding a target on my back.” 

“And it also doesn’t make it safer if one of the best people suited for the job isn’t able to catch most of those people,” You corrected, you watched the conflicted look leave Hotch’s face, and his shoulders drop. 

“I guess I have to think about this a lot more than I thought,” He laughed before patting his lap for you to sit. You wrapped your arms around his neck, “How do you always know the right things to say,” He said with amusement in his tone, and you smiled. 

“What can I say,” You said, “I know you better than anyone.” 

He nodded with a small laugh, “Yeah,” He paused, “ yeah, I suppose that is true.” 

You leaned forward and kissed his cheek; why don’t we check one thing off of our list though today, facing the team and all their grueling questions,” You tapped his shoulder before stepping off. Hotch stood, walking back towards the closet to pick out a tie, “Wear the Gucci one.”

Hotch laughed, “Don’t think that I bought that one for myself,” you walked over to him, taking the tie from his hands, and began tying it for him, “It was a gift.”

“I think it’s sexy,” You smirked, “Along with the Rolex,” You chuckled, “Oh, and the nicely tailored suits.” 

Hotch raised an eyebrow, “I didn’t take you for the materialistic type.” 

_ “Oh _ , I’m not,” You said, “But as always, with you, it’s different.” 

Hotch leaned down for a kiss, “Well, I’ll be sure to remind Rossi I like the scarf again,” You smiled before reaching down to the closet floor for your heels. You jumped, feeling Hotch’s hand slap your ass, “I think it would look better tied around your wrists, but that’s just me,” He threw out, leaving your mouth wide open before heading downstairs. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! What did you guys think? As always, let me know!! I love hearing from you guys!! Also….I am close to 1000 followers on TikTok, and if I remember correctly, you can go live at 1k, so I wondered if that would be something you guys would be interested in? We could chat about the story, criminal minds, and whatever you guys want! Let me know!


	33. Chapter Thirty-Three: I never felt magic crazy as this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, lovelies!! Thank you all for 18k on this story. You have NO idea what it means to me. And thank you for 1k on TikTok. You all are so important to me! 
> 
> Here is a chapter I really loved writing; I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing. 

The drive over to the BAU was more anxiety-ridden than you would have ever expected. You tapped your leg repeatedly as Hotch drove. You felt his eyes gaze towards you every few moments, your anxiety practically radiating off of you.

“What’s wrong,” Hotch said, taking one hand off the wheel placing it on your lap. Your body jolted at his touch, so deep in thought, taken off guard. 

You looked at him, “I just have anxiety.” 

“About which part,” Hotch said, “Me thinking about leaving? Telling Strauss?”

You shook your head, “No,” Pausing, “Well, yes, but that’s not what’s really bugging me.” 

Hotch squeezed your thigh, “What is it?” 

“When I say this, I don’t want you to do that internalized guilt thing I  _ know _ you have been doing the last few days,” You said, giving him a knowing look. 

Hotch turned to you with raised brows, “Are you profiling me, Y/N?” 

You laughed, “No, I just know you, that’s all, Aaron,” You put your hand on top of his, both resting on your leg. “It’s just I left out of nowhere. With little to no explanation. I was an absolute bitch-”

“You could never be a bitch,” Hotch interrupted.

“I am sure JJ and Morgan would say otherwise,” You corrected, “I pretty much freaked out at JJ the day I woke up in the hospital. The whole team was there, but I was just so…” You tried to find the words for how you felt after your miscarriage, but found none, “I just did not want to see them.”

Hotch couldn’t help but feel the internalized guilt you knew he would have. How could he not? You were pregnant. With his child. His job, his life,  _ he _ left. He caused you this pain and distress, further than the pain you already experienced every day. 

“And Morgan took over for you; he was training Emily at the time as a  _ what-if _ scenario,” You said, “He didn’t want that stress on him. And I went in and added a thousand times more handing him my resignation.” 

Hotch pulled into the parking lot of Quantico, a parking lot you knew like the back of your hand. You weren’t sure why you expected it to look different, but it didn’t. 

Part of you was glad he didn’t say anything, but the other part of you worried that he was blaming himself deep down. He parked and walked around to the passenger door to open it for you -- Ever the gentleman. 

Helping you out of the car, he didn’t even have the door shut behind you before he wrapped you in an engulfing hug. You fit so nicely against his chest; he leaned his chin on the top of your head. 

“I’m sorry,” Hotch whispered, squeezing you tightly. You tightened your grip around him more like a silent,  _ Thank you. _

You tilted your head back to look at him, “You have nothing to be sorry for-”

“Yes, I do-”

“You’re here now, and I’m not letting you go anywhere without me,” You said with a hint of sarcasm in your voice. Hotch returned that with a look of displeasure. 

“Baby, I’m pretty sure I’m the one who tells you what you can do,” He teased, leaning down for a chaste kiss, “But I yes, I won’t go anywhere without you again. I will spend every day making that up to you.” 

You laughed, “C’mon softy, let’s get this over with,” You tapped his shoulder, leaving his embrace, and you both walked into Quantico. 

It looked hauntingly the same as if you were still here yesterday. The elevator had the same stale smell, and the floor the BAU was on had the same scent of coffee in the air. Walking off the elevator, Hotch held the glass door open for you; you couldn’t help but notice the heads pop up from the desks and familiar eyes meet yours. 

You felt small all of a sudden, all eyes on you now. Hotch reached for your hand then, and it was like he could read your mind without you even having to say what you were thinking or feeling. 

“Y/N,” Emily jumped out of the chair, walking towards you and Hotch. Not even acknowledging Hotch, she wrapped her arms around you. Stiffly, you let her embrace you, “Are you back?”

“I-I’m not sure yet,” You said as she let you go, Spencer peered behind her. 

“Y/N,” He said, “It’s great to see you.” 

“Same here, Spence,” You shrugged, not sure really  _ what _ to feel. 

You felt arms embrace you from behind, “I thought that was you,” You turned your head, letting go of Hotch’s hand, to find Morgan, “What are you doing here?” 

“We’re here to talk with Strauss,” Hotch said, “We have a meeting in about fifteen minutes.” 

“Erin should be in a pretty good mood,” Rossi walked down the stairs, “Bellisima,” reaching you, he kissed the top of your head.

“Hi, to you too, Dave,” Hotch teased. 

“We already got a reunion with you, silly,” Penelope peered in; _ boy did word seem to fly fast.  _ “It is  _ so _ good to see your pretty face, Y/N,” She practically squealed, “Do we get to have you both back?” 

“I’ll know more after the meeting with Strauss,” You shrugged, it was true, yes, but you also did not believe in giving others false hope. 

“I thought I heard a familiar voice,” JJ walked out of the break room with a fresh cup of coffee in her hands, so  _ very JJ _ . “Long time no see,” She smiled softly at you. She had a look like she wanted to say more, you knew what she wanted to say, given everything she had experienced with you, but knowing you were in front of the entire team, she remained silent. 

“Well, we will let you go talk with Erin,” Rossi said; you smiled at him. He was looking more and more silver around his face and hairline. You wondered if his relationship with Strauss was allowing him to relax a bit more in life. You had only hoped it had done the same for her. 

“Thanks, Dave,” Hotch tapped the older gentleman’s shoulder, “You ready,” He looked to you. 

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” You sighed, now you being the one to reach for his hand without and reservation or guilt. He squeezed it; your smaller hand was covered by his. You never thought Hotch would be one for PDA, but that was the thing about Hotch. When it came to you? After everything deep down, he did not care who knew now. 

The two of you walked down the hall to the door that read,  _ “BAU SECTION CHIEF ERIN A. STRAUSS,”  _ that sight alone made your stomach sink. Hotch’s knuckles knocked on the door before hearing an echoing, “Come in.” 

You let go of Hotch’s hand then for obvious professional reasons, but you entered following him. Strauss stood, reaching her hand out to Hotch first, “Agent Hotchner, It’s good to see you again,” she nodded, before looking to you than reaching for your hand, “Agent Y/L/N, as with you.” 

“You as well, Ma’am,” You nodded before following Hotch’s lead sitting in the chairs across from her desk. It was a large desk, a warm-colored wood, but covered with various frames. Far too cluttered for someone like you or Hotch’s liking. You couldn’t help but silently be profiling the woman; how could you not? She was in the position of power to look at you under a microscope; profiling her only made you feel better about it all. 

“So, from what I understand, we have a lot to cover here today,” Strauss began, crossing her hands together in front. 

“Yes, Ma’am,” Hotch said, “We wanted to disclose the nature of our relationship as it is Bureau policy, but also discuss the options of returning.” 

“Options,” Strauss raised an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Hotch nodded, “Given Agent Y/L/N went on a leave of absence, I want to make sure she has a spot secure on the BAU.” 

“And for you?” 

“I would like to return as Unit Chief, Ma’am.” 

You couldn’t help but turn your head to him, under the desk, he nudged your foot with his own. You pulled yourself together, looking straight back at Strauss. 

“Alright,” Strauss nodded, “We can’t get to that, but before we have to discuss the issue at hand of the fraternization between Unit chief and Agent,” Strauss looked directly at you as if it was all  _ your _ doing; you couldn’t help but slightly frown. 

“We understand,” You said, nodding. 

“Agents, I would like to speak with you both separately first, then together if that is alright?” 

“Of course,” Hotch nodded, tapping your foot with his once more under the table as reassurance. It wasn’t, but the idea of it was. 

“Alright, Agent Y/L/N, would you mind stepping out of the room,” Strauss asked; you stood and exited her office, shutting the door behind you. 

Hotch did not let Strauss intimidate him; very little  _ could _ rattle him, to be fair. Strauss began organizing paperwork in a file before looking up to him with her glasses sitting on the tip of her nose. 

“So, Agent Hotchner, why don’t we start from the beginning?” 

  
  


_ Hotch hated disrupting the order of things. The idea of bringing a new member of the team put a sour taste in his mouth, and he could not help but already feel negatively about you coming in. Stone-faced as ever, Hotch sat skimming your file. He couldn’t help but say it was nothing less than impressive; still, the team worked well. Why disrupt that?  _

_ Your achievements did not align with your age in Hotch’s years with the Bureau; he had not seen an agent spoken this highly of from past units except when they were a well-seasoned agent.  _

_ Between your contradicting youth and just his innate stubbornness, Hotch couldn’t remove the hard face he had on when you knocked on the door. Standing, he brushed the wrinkles out of his suit, walking towards the door.  _

_ Behind the door, there you were, not what he was expecting whatsoever. Hotch, caught off guard, cleared his throat before reaching a hand for you to shake.  _

_ “Agent Y/L/N,” He nodded towards you as you shook his hand, “I’m SSA Hotchner, the BAU’s Unit Chief.” _

_ “Oh, I know who you are,” You laughed nervously, “It’s hard not to in this field,” You corrected, trying not to sound too eager, “And Y/N is just fine, please.”  _

_ “Come in, Y/N,” He gestured for you to walk in. He took in the sight of you, he wasn’t trying to stare, but it was hard not to. You looked so...fresh. Different from most of the dull agents that walked in and out of here. Sure, you had youth on your side, but the curls sitting on your shoulder so casual but still looked like you put more effort in than most. Makeup not overdone, but it was rare to see people’s lips here glossy.  _

_ You waited for him to follow, gesturing for you to sit in the seat in front of his large desk, “Sit, please,” Hotch said, continuing to take you in casually. You wore a blazer, the cut of it more modern than the ones he’s seen Strauss wear, nothing against Emily or JJ, but more polished than theirs. You opted for black jeans versus slacks, another thing Hotch wasn’t used to seeing.  _

_ “You have quite the impressive resume here, Y/N,” Hotch noted, lifting the file, “For your age, it’s very rare to see something like this.”  _

_ “Thank you, sir,” You blushed; Hotch couldn’t help but feel the corner of his lips turn, seeing the pink rise in your cheeks; it was sweet, really. “My work at the Boston field office is something I take immense pride in.”  _

_ Hotch nodded, “I can see why,” He flipped the page, “Your unit chief had quite the amount of words to say about you.” _

_ You smiled, “I hope I can give this team just as much justice as I did there.”  _

_ It was like a 360 that happened, just talking to you turned Hotch’s mood around. All his doubts faded the minute you stepped through the door. You were like a breath of fresh air.  _

_ It didn’t take long for your work to be noticed at the BAU. You were always staying later than most agents and going the extra mile, whether in the field or the office. What Hotch began to find most fascinating was your ability to remain entirely professional, calm, and strong through even the most challenging cases.  _

_ You were never one to join the rest of the team on their frequent outings after a long day to the usual bar. One night, even Hotch decided to join; you figured you did not want to be the odd one out, so you tagged along. Hotch could not help but feel intrigued to see what you were like beneath the work exterior. Much like himself, you kept to yourself. You didn’t speak much of your personal life, that was not a first for Hotch working in the Bureau, but there was something with you that always had Hotch questioning.  _

_ Surprised by your drink choice, Hotch tried to make conversation. Though it did not stray far from the night itself or work, Hotch could not seem to note the same dry sense of humor he had spill from your lips. That night he found himself laughing more than he had at any after-work function—even the ones where he witnessed Spencer singing karaoke.  _

_ Hotch was a profiler, sure, but often he turned a blind eye to his own psychology. With you? He did it often. He tried not to overthink the way he stood in front of you instinctively in the field or how he couldn’t help himself but listen in more closely on the jet when rarely you would speak about yourself.  _

_ He did note that you always chose to sit alone—window seat with headphones in. Sometimes you would have a textbook or two open; Hotch picked up quickly that you were working on your Master’s.  _

_ There was just....something about you. You were quite literally the most fascinating person Hotch had laid eyes on in a long time. Given his line of work, it took a lot to catch Hotch’s eye, but nobody did quite like you.  _

  
  


Hotch continued to tell Strauss about how you two grew a friendship that developed into more not too far after. It had been three months together when he was forced into WITSEC. Strauss remained far too quiet for Hotch’s liking, but he continued, needing to come clean about it all. Transparency was part of the job, and he always aimed to do it justice. 

“Now, what can you tell me about Agent Y/L/N’s leave of absence,” Strauss asked, not looking up from where she was writing. 

“With all due respect, Ma’am, the situation is more than just leaving for emotional reasons,” Hotch corrected, “I think it would be best if Y/N shared what she chose to share given the nature of the subject.” 

Strauss looked up with a raised eyebrow, “Agent Y/L/N was hospitalized for four days followed by three days dismissal with a doctor’s note,” she said in an almost condescending tone, “Aaron, I can see here it was more than just emotional damage.” 

“Which is exactly why I feel it is not my place to comment on the subject.” 

“I understand,” Strauss said before looking down; she pushed the center of her glasses towards her, “So from what I can tell, this relationship between Agent Y/L/N and you is pretty serious, especially given in the eyes of Italian Law the two of you are legally married.” 

Hotch felt his voice catch in his throat, not expecting that. He knew the Bureau watched him like a hawk, but still, this was the last thing he expected.

“Technically,” Hotch cleared his throat, “Yes.” 

“You understand under these circumstances, the Bureau’s policy is to reassign one of the spouses?” 

“Yes,” Hotch nodded, “That was what we were afraid would happen,” Hotch looked away from Strauss, disappointment ringing in his ears. 

“To your luck, your team failed miserably without the both of you.” Hotch looked up quickly, “Agent Prentiss did not have what it takes to be a Chief; the camaraderie between the team was disrupted greatly by both of your absences. Prentiss could not get a handle on that.” 

Hotch’s eyebrows pinched together, unsure of where she was going with this. 

“I had hoped that between her and Agent Morgan, the two of them could take the job on, but clearly the two of you left big shoes to fill,” Strauss looked up, taking her glasses off, “Your members of your team had nothing but positive things to say and formally write about you and Agent Y/L/N’s relationship.”

“You spoke with them about Y/N and me?”

“No,” Strauss corrected, “After you returned, one by one, each agent spoke their praise for the two of you,” Strauss handed him a file filled with each team member’s letters, “You and Agent Y/L/N work better together than apart, and it would be a huge disservice to the BAU and the Bureau if we were to obstruct that.” 

Hotch began to flip through the pages of letters, too much to read right now, but each word catching his eye carefully tugged at his heart. 

_ “Our team works better when our leader is living a fulfilled life; Agent Hotchner has seen more grief than most will know; Agent Y/N brings out a side in him that makes the team better.” --Agent Emily Prentiss; Acting Unit Chief _

_ “Agent Aaron Hotchner met his match the day Y/N Y/L/N entered through those glass doors, the two drive each other to be better agents, and I profoundly believe that one will not work to its a full performance without the other.” -- Agent Derek Morgan _

_ “Erin, give it a break. The things we see and do in this gruesome job, the least you can do it allow two people who function well enough work together.” --Agent David Rossi _

Hotch’s concentrated reading was disrupted by hearing footsteps enter the room. Strauss had left while he read, returning with you. You looked panic-stricken. Given the amount of time he spent here alone with Strauss, he did not blame you whatsoever.

“Sit, Agent,” Strauss said, you walked to the seat you left before, “After a thorough discussion with Agent Hotchner and the other members of your team, I will not be hindering the progress of the Behavioral Analysis Unit as it works best with both of you in your fitted roles.” 

You could finally catch your breath; your legs felt numb from the number of times you paced outside of Strauss’ office, “W-Wow,” You said shakily, “T-That’s great, thank you, Ma’am, really.” 

“I think it is important given the comparison of how the team worked before you both left and after, the team succeeded far better together than apart,” Strauss said, “With that being said, I will submit the rest of the paperwork noting the relationship between the two of you,” She said reaching over the desk with the papers, “If you both could sign here.” 

Hotch signed quickly, his scribbly signature taking up only half of the line. You took the pen after him, reading over quickly. 

_ “I acknowledge that the marriage between Agent Hotchner and myself will not interfere with the workings of the Behavioral Analysis Unit. _

_ X______________________” _

You looked over to Hotch quickly with a frown.  _ Marriage? She knows?  _ You thought. 

“Just sign,” Hotch said just below a whisper. You shrugged, signing the line with your more curly signature, looking opposite of Hotch’s. 

“Alright, I believe we are done here, Agents,” Strauss said, “I assume I will see you both Monday morning?” 

“Yes, thank you,” Hotch nodded towards Strauss, standing. 

You reached out a hand to shake hers, “Yes. Thank you, Ma’am.”

The two of you walked out of Strauss’s office as calmly as you could and began walking down the hall towards the bullpen; you practically shrieked, feeling Hotch’s hands on your waist, pulling you sidewards into the supply closet. 

_ “Aaron _ ,” You yelped as he swiftly shut the door behind you two. Not missing a beat, his lips found yours despite the dimness of the closet, “What are you doing,” you giggled against his lips.

“What does it look like I am doing,” Hotch said, his voice low. Feeling his bulge against your leg, you got the picture  _ fairly _ quickly. You just hoped you both could be quiet and quick enough nobody would notice you missing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An: SOOOOO, what’d ya think? Let me know!!! Smut to come in the next chapter (no pun intended, lol). 
> 
> With love, always, 
> 
> Aunt Ki (What has been officially decided on my first Live as my nickname)


	34. Chapter Thirty-Four: When you move, I could never define all that you are to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves!! I am back with another chapter!! This one’s pretty….smutty!! So enjoy!!
> 
> TW: Smut, somewhat public sex. 

_ The two of you walked out of Strauss’s office as calmly as you could and began walking down the hall towards the bullpen; you practically shrieked, feeling Hotch’s hands on your waist, pulling you sidewards into the supply closet.  _

_ “Aaron,” You yelped as he swiftly shut the door behind you two. Not missing a beat, his lips found yours despite the dimness of the closet, “What are you doing,” you giggled against his lips. _

_ “What does it look like I am doing,” Hotch said, his voice low. Feeling his bulge against your leg, you got the picture fairly quickly. You just hoped you both could be quiet and quick enough nobody would notice you missing.  _

You laughed again, the thrill of it all making you feel emotions from excitement to nervousness. Flipping you, Hotch pressed you against the door. You arched your back against the hard surface into Hotch’s chest. 

Roughly, Hotch hiked your leg up against his hip. You moaned against his mouth as your center pressed against his hips. You bucked your hips against him, needing the friction. The layers of clothing between you both becoming seemingly too much. 

Hotch felt your eagerness, pulling away from the kiss, he gripped your jaw aggressively, “Someone’s eager,” Hotch hummed.

You felt incredibly  _ drunk. _ Your pupils dilated, and the sheer excitement you got out of fucking him right here in this closet seriously turned you on to no end. You moved your face in his grip, your lips becoming flush with the palm of his hands. You snaked your tongue out and trailed it up and down his hand, through his fingers. 

Hotch gruffed a moan; you couldn’t help but respond with a satisfied grin, “That smile isn’t going to last for long,” Hotch said in a low tone, “I’m going to fucking ruin you.” 

You bit your lip to hold back the bigger grin that was about to fill your face. Grinding against Hotch’s hips again, he reached for the hem of your blouse and threw it on the floor. Hotch’s lips were instantly attracted to your chest; you let out a breathy moan, arching further into his touch. 

Reaching behind to remove your bra, wanting his lips on you more, you fumbled. Internally cursing the choice for a strappy bralette, you practically groaned. Hotch reached behind you, tugging at the fabric so roughly, the thin piece of clothing ripped. 

You gasped, “ _ Aaron!”  _

He threw the fabric to the floor; his lips found your nipple instantly. You couldn’t even think of being annoyed with him making you feel like this. 

“I’ll buy you another one,” Hotch said against your skin, his voice sending vibrations across you, creating goosebumps. 

“I need you,” You continued to arch into his body, rubbing your hips into him. You felt him smile against your breast, “ _ Please,”  _ You swallowed, “Don’t make me beg.” 

Hotch looked up to you, attaching his lip back to your nipple, sucking hard. Releasing it with a pop, “Oh, I  _ want _ to hear you beg.” 

You groaned, your head pressing further into the door. You felt Hotch’s hand reach the handle, hearing the click of the lock. “ _ Aaron,  _ please,” You whined, “I want you  _ so  _ badly.” 

Hotch’s hand laid against your stomach, his fingers tapping against you before they snuck their way in your pants. His hand sat on the outside of your underwear, “Tell me how badly,” He said, beginning to rub you over your underwear, “I can feel how soaked you are,” He husked, “ _ Tell me.”  _

You wiggled your hips against his hand; at this rate, you would be coming in seconds. “ _ Fuck _ ,” You cursed, “I want you so badly,” You swallowed thickly, your eyes pinched shut, “I want you to fuck me against the door.”

Hotch’s mouth kissed its way up your chest to behind your ear. Nibbling on your ear, he pulled on the lobe with his teeth; you gasped as his fingers continued to work over your underwear. 

“You want me to fuck you right here,” Hotch breathed into your ear, “With everyone right out that door?” 

Your breathing rose, feeling as you were close to unraveling as it was, “Yes, sir,” You bit down on your lip harshly, “I want you right here, right now.  _ Please.”  _

“What if I told you I wanted to hear you,” Hotch whispered, “What if I said I wanted to hear you even though anyone could walk by and hear you.” 

You felt the sweat beading on your forehead, the stuffiness of the closet not allowing much for air circulation, “Fuck,” you moaned, “I don’t care,” You shook your head, “I don’t care who hears because they’ll know I’m yours.”

Hotch liked the sound of that, pulling his hand out of your pants as quickly as he slid it in. He knelt, pulling your jeans and panties down with him as he slid down your body. Gesturing for you to step out of them, you did, kicking them to the side.

You expected Hotch to stand and take you right then and there, not that you were complaining, because he nudged your legs apart, throwing one over his shoulder. 

Your other leg, holding you up, wobbled as he clasped right onto your clit without warning. Relentlessly, he sucked on the bundle of nerves, causing you to moan loudly. You couldn’t even think of hoping the walls were thick enough to distract the sound. 

Pinching your eyes shut so tightly that you saw white dots, you felt Hotch’s middle finger enter you all the way to the knuckle. Curling it just the right way, you rocked against him. Your hand found his hair, pulling on it slightly in pleasure. 

“ _ Fuck, A-Aaron, _ ” You gasped. Quickly, Hotch added another finger, plunging it beside the other. Both fingers working in a steady pace against your g-spot, you called out his name over and over again. “ _ D-Don’t stop,”  _ You breathed heavily, “I’m close,  _ please don’t stop. _ ” 

Not relenting, Hotch continued his consistent tempo, curling both fingers against you. The sound was obscene, and you felt the burn against your thighs from the newfound beard he had grown. Your orgasm  _ hit _ you like a ton of bricks. You felt the world blackout around you because the next thing you knew, the same fingers Hotch had inside of you were clasping over your mouth to keep you shut. 

“Y/N,” Hotch said, his voice catching your attention. When your eyes flew open, he had an amused look on his face, “If I knew I would get that reaction out of you, I would have eaten you out in a closet a  _ long _ time ago.” 

You blushed, feeling the heat rise from your chest to your cheeks. Feeling the need to do something, your lips found Hotch’s, tasting him against you. Reaching between the two of you, you pulled at Hotch’s belt, undoing it and his pants. Hearing the metal clink against the floor from his belt, you pulled at Hotch’s lip. 

“I’m surprised you’re ready for me after that,” Hotch teased against you; you ignored him, furthering the kiss. Tangling in your hair, Hotch’s hand-pulled your hair back away from him for you to look at him. 

“I want you inside of me,” You said in a needy voice, “Please.” 

“You’re insatiable,” Hotch chuckled, tugging at your roots more, “You know that, right?” 

You bit your lip, “Only for you,” You whined, “You’re the only person who’s ever made me feel this way, Aaron.” 

That was enough for Hotch to take your leg and hike it up his hip with the hand not tangled in your hair. He took his hand from your locks and guided his cock to your center. You hissed at the overly sensitive contact. 

Slowly,  _ teasingly slow _ , Hotch entered you, and you whimpered at the feeling. Your chin found his clothed shoulder, catching your breath, you sat there. Hotch slowly began to move, but you pulled against him still, not to move.

“Is everything okay?”    
  


“Y-Yes,” You breathed heavily, “Don’t move,” You held onto him tightly, “You feel so good.” 

Hotch smiled, leaning down to press a deep kiss to your shoulder before dragging his teeth across the bare skin. You hissed, clenching against him in return. He groaned before moving slowly out of you, then snapping his hips into you harshly. You swore if anyone were outside the door, they would hear everything. 

Cursing his name as he continued to thrust hard in and out of you, your nails pulled against the fabric of his dress shirt. Hotch’s hands found your hair again, pulling you back from his shoulder to meet his eyes. His lips attacked yours with need. It was hardly a kiss, just two open lips brushing against each other, moans spilling into one another’s mouth. 

The tightening began in your stomach again, feeling the familiar feeling of another orgasm approaching. You mewled against Hotch’s mouth, “ _ Keep going, _ ” You stuttered, “I’m gonna come again.” 

Feeling you close to your edge, Hotch did not let up. He continued to ride you to the edge of your high, “Come for me,” He groaned, breathing heavily. His hand still tangled in your locks, he pushed you further into his mouth. The shocks of your orgasm caused you to writhe against him. Your limbs felt like spaghetti, your leg feeling like it would give out from underneath you. 

It wasn’t long before you felt Hotch begin to twitch inside of you, “ _ Fuck,”  _ He said, “You feel so good,” he groaned, “ _ So good _ .” 

The two of you held onto each other through the aftershocks of your orgasms. Your body sticky with sweat; you felt you could really use a shower. The thought of putting your tight clothing back on caused you to cringe. 

“God, I love you,” Hotch said, his hand in your hair began combing through your scalp. 

You hummed, “I love you, too,” You said, “I’d love you even more if we didn’t have to go out there.” 

Hotch laughed, pulling out of you. You sighed, allowing your other leg to hit the floor. Regaining your balance, you blinked, trying to get yourself back to reality. 

“As much as hiding out in here until everyone goes home and reliving this scene over and over again sounds  _ fucking fantastic _ ,” Hotch laughed, pulling up his pants, “I’m afraid we have to face the music.” 

You groaned, bending down for your clothes. Your eyes grew wide, feeling his cum begin to slip down your leg; you looked around the closet for anything -- A towel, toilet paper, paper towels... _ anything.  _

Hotch picked up on what you were looking for; unfortunately, the closet only held spare technology and office supplies. “I’m afraid you’re out of luck,” Hotch tossed you your panties and pants. 

“First you rip my bra, now I have to ruin my underwear?” 

“I didn’t hear you complaining when I was  _ ruining _ you.” 

“Touche,” You laughed, cringing as you slid your lace panties up and then your jeans. Hotch laughed, passing you your shirt. “Let’s just be glad it’s not  _ cold _ out,” You raised an eyebrow at him, putting your shirt on braless. You looked at the ripped fabric on the floor and threw it into the barrel next to you. 

Hotch reached in immediately after, “I’d prefer  _ not _ to leave evidence of this event for everyone to see,” He put the bralette in his front pant pocket. Luckily all fabric, no padding, it was easy to hide. 

“As if they didn’t already hear us,” You scoffed, straightening out your clothes. Hotch laughed, reaching up to smooth out your hair that in every direction. 

“Yeah, plus you look thoroughly fucked,” Hotch teased.

“I do  _ not _ .”

“Sweetheart,” Hotch raised an eyebrow at you, “You do.” 

You rolled your eyes before running your hands through your hair yourself. Feeling you couldn’t straighten it out to a normal degree, you sighed, reaching for the bag of rubber bands on the shelf. Ripping the bag open, you took one and threw your hair up—something you  _ rarely did _ but needed to at this moment,

“Have I ever told you that I love your hair up like that,” Hotch asked, leaning down to kiss your cheek chastely. You smiled at him. “We should go before someone knocks,” He laughed. 

You sighed, taking a deep breath before opening the door. To your surprise, nobody was hooting and hollering outside of the closet. 

“Coast is clear,” You laughed, turning to look at Hotch as he closed the closet door, “Wait,” you stopped him, reaching for his tie that was looking anything but  _ Bossman Hotchner _ . You straightened it, “There.” 

Hotch smiled, “Thank you,” before you turned on your heels to head back towards the bullpen. You gasped, feeling Hotch’s hand tap your ass lightly. You turned, shooting him an accusatory look, “What,” he laughed, “Nobody’s around.” 

You rolled your eyes again, walking forward, he followed. Entering the bullpen, it looked like business as usual; nobody seemed out of sorts or ready to bring up the romp in the closet. You thought you might just be in the clear. 

“You’re back,” JJ perked, sitting up from her desk, “Strauss’ meetings are never short and simple, are they?” 

You choked on a laugh, knowing half of the time you were gone, you were not with Strauss, but relieved nobody knew that. 

“No, they’re not,” Hotch said, casually as ever.

“So, what’s the verdict,” Rossi called over from the railing above. 

“Y/N and I will be back bright and early Monday morning, resuming duties.” 

“Oh my gosh,” Emily jumped up, “That’s great!”

“Yeah,” You smiled, “I’m excited to be back.” 

“That’s great news,” Reid gave you a curt smile before turning his head back to his book. 

“Well, we are excited to have you back, kid,” Morgan said, “It wasn’t the same without you,” he smiled to you, then looked at Hotch, “You too, man, but Y/N tends to crack a few more jokes than you tend to.”

Hotch laughed, “No offense taken.”

“I actually have some paperwork for you to go over before you come back fully, Hotch,” Emily said, “It’s all on your desk in your office; I can show it to you now before you two head out?” 

“Sure,” Hotch nodded, “That’d be great.” He shot you a smile before walking up to his office with Emily. 

Morgan retreated to his desk, leaving just you and JJ. You knew the dreaded questions would come. 

“How are you feeling,” JJ asked quietly; her voice was soft and maternal as always. How could you not give her an honest answer. 

“I’m...I’m okay,” You said, “Yeah, I’m doing okay.” 

“Does he know?” 

“Y-Yeah,” You took a deep breath in, “Yeah, I told him pretty quickly on.” 

“Good, good,” JJ smiled, “That was my biggest mistake, not being upfront with Will early on.” 

“Yeah, Hotch’s still beating himself up over the whole thing, though, I know.” 

JJ sighed, “I bet,” she gave you a sad smile, “But that’s just in his nature,” she laughed.

“You’re right on that one,” You smiled; there was a calm pause between the two of you. You looked around the bullpen where you stood hearing some of the worst news just six months ago; now you stood here feeling like an entirely different person. 

“Hey,” JJ took you out of your thoughts, “Em, Pen, and I are going out for a girls’ night at the pub down the street tonight. I think you should come.” 

You couldn’t think of the last time you had a girls’ night. You were not the sharing type, but all that had been bottled inside of you over the previous six months, you really could use a fresh set of ears, or three, to listen. 

“Sure,” You smiled, “I can’t think of the last time we all got to catch up.” 

“Great,” JJ said enthusiastically, “I can’t wait,” she smiled, “You want to meet us there around six?”

“Perfect,” You smiled, just enough time to go back to Hotch’s house and  _ freshen up _ after your little rendezvous in the supply closet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An: Heyoooo! Soooo what’d you guys thought? It took me a while, but I was able to crank this chapter out!! Let me know your thoughts; as always, I love hearing from you guys.
> 
> I had my second Live tonight on TikTok, and it was another success! I love chatting with you all; I feel like we are on facetime just chatting away! 
> 
> I have no idea, but I have made it work, still uploading every night his week with a full course load, so yay! Anywho, I will see you guys tomorrow with another chapter and if you guys want another Live around 6-7pm EST! LMK!
> 
> Love, Aunt Ki <3


	35. Chapter Thirty-Five: I probably still adore you with your hands around my neck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! This chapter was enjoyable to write; I enjoyed writing the girl’s night out and some fun in between!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> TW: talks of past miscarriage, drinking, and sexting. 

When Emily heard that you were joining girls’ night, that was more than enough for her to stop talking Hotch’s ear off so he could bring you back to his house and freshen up. Now and then, you caught yourself throughout the day saying you wanted to go  _ home _ or you needed to get changed at  _ home _ . But you really didn’t have a home. 

A strange elderly man was occupying what  _ used _ to be your studio apartment and as for your things? What little you brought home to your family after Hotch left was enough to fill one suitcase you brought with you on your trip to Italy, now with you at Hotch’s. 

You stood in front of the bathroom mirror, painting your eyelashes deep in thought about it all. Maybe you would get an apartment? Or maybe Hotch could find some legal loophole in the leasing contract, and you could get your studio back. You were so paralyzed in your thoughts you didn’t notice Hotch walk in the bathroom and sit on the edge of the tub watching you. 

“So, are you excited to go out tonight,” Hotch said; looking at you in the mirror, you laughed. Excited wouldn’t be the exact word you would use as these types of situations were not usually your forte, but it would be a nice distraction. 

You shrugged, putting the mascara tube back into your travel makeup bag, pulling out a lipgloss next, “I guess,” You smiled, leaning forward to the mirror as you swiped the wand over your lips. 

“I think its good you’re going out,” Hotch said, “You deserve to have fun.”

You frowned at him in the mirror, “I have fun,” You protested. 

“Honey, I wouldn’t call the last six months anything remotely fun,” Hotch scoffed, “Aside from this last week, I don’t think either of us has seen the definition of fun in a while.” 

“So, you’re telling me bleeding out alone in my apartment and being found by my coworker wasn’t supposed to be fun,” You said with full sarcasm. It was in your personality to avoid the challenging topics and jump right to joking to them instead of talking. 

Hotch glared at you, not finding the comment amusing whatsoever. He almost looked pained by you, even daring to bring the topic up. 

“What?” 

“I don’t find that funny, whatsoever,” Hotch said sternly, crossing his arms. You sighed, putting your lipgloss back in your bag. Turning on your heels, you faced him. Walking towards him, you crowded his personal space. For once, you were towering over him from where he sat on the edge of the bathtub. 

Putting your hands on his shoulders, you dipped your forehead down to rest against his, “I’m sorry,” You whispered. 

In Hotch’s eyes, you saw a glassiness that you had not seen before; you weren’t sure if there were tears, or did his eyes always look this way this close? The raw tone of his voice told you it was the first, “I could have lost you.” 

“But you didn’t,” You gave him a melancholy smile, “I’m right here, see,” You reached for his hand then and placed it right above your heart. With the V-Neck shirt you were wearing, most of his hand touched your skin. 

Hotch’s jaw was taut, looking at you with pure sadness and grief in his eyes. You regretted your sarcastic mark, just for the sake of breaking the awkward silence on the topic. 

“I think everything happens for a reason,” You said softly, as if you spoke any louder than a whisper, glass would shatter around you, “Or at least that is what I have tried to tell myself my whole life. I think that we are given what we can handle, and maybe that’s naive of me to think,” You shook your head, “but it is what gets me by. I would still be depressed and angry at the world like I was at fourteen years old when I was given a life-changing diagnosis...or I would be still crying over Matt every day if I lived any other way.” 

Hotch nodded, at a loss for words himself. He’s not sure why, but the sarcastic comment just took him back. When you told him about the miscarriage, there wasn’t much he could say or do at the moment. The talks you two did have were short, and the topic was thrown under the rug. Hotch felt breathless, wordless, immobilized from his emotions. 

You tilted your head, “I know there is nothing I can do or say to make this up to you,” You started, “But can you imagine how much worse it would be if I had to bring a child into the world alone?”

Hotch had not thought of the alternative. Even if he did return at the same time, which could not be predicted, you would have been seven months pregnant with his child that he would have only found out then. That was not something he would have wanted you to go through alone; the memories of how Haley was faded in and out. Though his job was consuming -- the good and the bad moments, he was there for it all. 

“I should be making this up to you,” Hotch said; you returned his comment with another soft smile. 

“You just being here is making it up to me,” You smiled, “And besides, I know we are always completely backward with the way we handle things; I think it would be nice to have more than just a few months together before adding someone else into the mix,” You said lightly, trying to find a positive. 

A small laugh left Hotch’s lips, “I suppose you’re right on that one.” 

You pressed a small kiss to Hotch’s forehead before he stood and wrapped you in an engulfing hug. He hummed against you, holding onto you tightly. Your arms had his back and clutched onto him with the same passion. There was nothing sexual about the hug; something was rejuvenating about it instead. 

“You do realize they’re going to harass me tonight about us,” You said, cheek pressed against his chest. 

You felt him laugh against you, “I wouldn’t expect anything less from them,” He let go of you, “I’m kind of jealous.” 

You frowned, “Why’s that?”

“Because,” he took your hand, lifting it above your head and spun you around to see you from all angles, “They get to take you out before I get to.” 

“We’ve gone out before.” 

Hotch shook his head, “No, we haven’t. Sure, before I got to call you to mine, and you could call that pretty foggy night in Italy where we were going god knows what,” You both laughed, “But I have never taken you on a proper date, Y/N.” 

“You know you don’t have to wine and dine me to get me into bed, Hotchner,” You raised a playful eyebrow at him, which was rewarded with another rumbling laugh from him. 

“It’s not about getting you into bed,” You raised an eyebrow at him, “I know that’s where your mind is at twenty-four-seven,” he teased, “This is more than sex, you know that.”

You rolled your eyes laughing, “There you go being all soft again,” You poked his chest, “But I love it. And I love you.”

Hotch smiled, “I know you do.” 

You let out a dramatic sigh, “I suppose I’ll be able to free my schedule for a date,” you said, walking out of the bathroom to put your shoes on. 

Hotch was the one rolling his eyes now as he followed you out of the bathroom, “You know, it may not be about sex, but usually, that’s a nice way to end a date…” You hummed, nodding looking up to him. “But only good girls get those types of rewards.” 

You raised an eyebrow at him, “I’m a good girl.” 

He scoffed a laugh, walking out of the bedroom now, “Yeah, we’ll see.” 

_ This man, _ you thought, grabbing your things before walking out after him. Hotch insisted on dropping you off at the pub, wanting you to have a good time and not have to worry about paying for a cab or driving. Your car was still in storage, not that you enjoyed driving to begin with. You smirked in the passenger seat, remembering the day Hotch helped you pick the car out. You were so blind then. 

Pulling up the side of the curb, you saw Penelope, Emily, and JJ waiting for you outside. Penelope practically started jumping up and down when she saw you get out of the car. Hotch rolled the window down to say hello to them. 

“And he chauffeurs you around,” Emily raised an eyebrow at Hotch in the car, “Hotch, you’re whipped.” 

Hotch, choosing to ignore the comment, “Have fun, Y/N,” smiling at you. 

“Thank you.”

“I’m designated driver tonight,” JJ said, “Getting up with Michael would not be very fun hungover,” She laughed, “I’d be happy to drop Y/N back-”

“You can drop her at my house, JJ,” Hotch said; you bit the inside of your cheek.

“My studio’s being leased still, so I am staying with Hotch,” You inputted. 

Hotch gave you another smile, “I’ll see you later.”

You gave him a small wave before Emily wrapped her arm around your shoulder, pulling you towards the door. 

To your luck, the girls were pretty tame when you first got in and got a hightop near the bar. Emily was in charge of grabbing drinks while you, Penelope, and JJ looked at appetizers to order. 

“I’m thinking the mozzarella sticks,” You nodded, “I cannot remember the last time I had food like this.”

“Really,” JJ asked, “I swear when I’m not eating leftover dinosaur nuggets off of Henry’s plate, Will and I are getting food like this to-go.”

You laughed, “Yeah, maybe college?”

“Right,” Penelope said, “Your crazy college days!”

“What I would give to be that young again,” JJ sighed before you were interrupted by Emily returning with a tray of your drinks along with three tequila shots. “Em, seriously,” JJ laughed. 

“We  _ know _ how Y/N is,” Emily sat next to you, “This will loosen her up so we can hear it  _ all _ .” 

You shook your head, taking your martini off the tray along with the shot glass. You didn’t take long to down the shot, not even taking the lime left with it, “So,” You shivered at the burn, “What do you guys want to know?” 

“Ooo! Ooo,” Penelope said, “Start from the beginning, I want to hear the whole love story.” 

“Of course you do,” Emily laughed, taking her beer, “I am just here for the juicy details.” 

“What juicy details,” You raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“Em’s sick and wants to hear how Hotch is in bed,” JJ laughed, taking her vodka soda off the tray. 

You took a sip of your martini and tried to think back, “Well, you guys remember the night of my graduation, right?”

“How could we not,” Penelope said, sipping her margarita.

“I wanted to kill him for the way he treated you after that,” Emily shook her head, “Smug bastard.”

You laughed, “Well, after I so blatantly rejected him, we all went out, and he brought Beth-”

“- _ Again _ , I wanted to kill the man,” Emily shook her head. 

“Em, let her finish,” JJ shushed her.

“I called him that night and told him how hurt I was and how I was going to go tell him how I felt after my graduation before he started acting so-”

“-Hotch,” Penelope laughed. 

“Yes,” You smiled, “Well, over the phone, we kinda both admitted how we felt, I guess.” You shrugged, feeling that  _ was _ the story. You put your glass to your lips, sipping your drink. 

“So then what,” JJ asked. 

“What do you mean, ‘ _ then what _ ,’” You laughed, putting your glass on the table.

“So who made the next move,” Emily said, “Putting the pieces together, those hickeys were not from some rando you met through your neighbor,” she raised an eyebrow at you. 

“I’m going to need another one of these if you want all these  _ details _ ,” You picked up the shot glass you were gesturing to. Surprisingly, it was JJ who jumped up to get it. The table’s eyes widened.

“What,” JJ laughed, walking towards the bar, “Now I’m hooked!” 

JJ returned with another round of shots for everyone except her since she was driving. You downed the shot and were met with eager eyes. 

“So,” Emily said, dragging out her word. 

“Do I need to tell you the nitty-gritty of how he came to my hotel room on the next case, and we slept together, or do you guys think you can connect the dots?”

“You slept together on the case,” JJ exclaimed.

“I was in the room two down from you both,” Emily scoffed, her eyes wide. 

“You know, that does make sense why the hotel put a note on the Bureau’s stay, refunding one of the rooms that were untouched,” Penelope hummed. 

You felt a blush creep up your neck; you were not sure if it was due to the alcohol or the sheer embarrassment you began feeling. The liquor was delaying your reactions so that it could be either. 

“So how is he,” Emily elbowed you, “I mean a guy  _ that  _ intense…” 

You gave her a look, which caused JJ to chime in, “Alright, alright, on a scale of one to ten.” 

“Three Thousand,” You said, sipping the rest of your martini. 

“Alright, now even  _ I  _ want details,” Penelope said, looking just as shocked as the other girls. 

“I mean, what can I say,” You shrugged, “I’m sure it is easy to make conclusions just  _ based _ on his personality.”

“So would you say he’s the best you’ve ever been with,” JJ asked. 

You nodded, “Milles and miles apart from anyone I’ve ever been with.” 

“I always assumed he was so  _ vanilla _ ,” JJ laughed, “So he’s really got to know what he’s doing then?” 

“Vanilla,” Emily scoffed, “I am pretty sure you are the only one enrolled in the BAU that would be defined as  _ vanilla _ .” 

“So is he as intimidating in bed,” Penelope asked, sipping her drink through the tiny cocktail straw.

You laughed, “Yeah,” Your second tequila shot was starting to warm you even more so now, “You could say that.”

“He’s got a lot of ties,” Emily tipped her head, “I’m sure those come to use.” 

“Em,” You scolded, elbowing her side. 

“See,” Emily laughed, “That wasn’t a no!”

The drinks continued to flow, and the stories continued to spill. It was interesting to hear from the girls what they were like…well, how Penelope and Emily were. JJ and Will fucked missionary, and she admitted she hadn’t seen an orgasm since before Michael was born. You just felt sorry for the woman. 

Eventually, you ordered appetizers to counteract all of the drinks you had already consumed. You were feeling thoroughly drunk by the time you finished your third martini and a third tequila shot. The last time you had felt this far gone, you had married Hotch. 

JJ was walking Emily to the bathroom, leaving you and Penelope at the table. Penelope was bopping around in her seat to the thrum of music in the background, barely even noticing you were there. That was one thousand percent fine with you because now seemed like a perfect time to text the person who’d been on your mind all night. 

  
  


**_You [9:23PM]: I miss you._ **

Hotch being Hotch did not take long to respond. 

**_Aaron Hotchner [9:24PM]: I miss you, too. Are you having fun?_ **

**_You [9:25PM]: Yes, but I can think of better ways to have fun._ **

**_Aaron Hotchner [9:26PM]: Can you?_ **

**_You [9:28PM]: Yes. They include you and your hands around my throat._ **

Without a beat, he responded once more. 

**_Aaron Hotchner [9:29PM]: You’re out, and the only thing you can think of is my hands around your throat?_ **

**_You [9:29PM]: Yes, sir._ **

You hadn’t even realized it, but you were smiling down at your phone like an idiot, “Are you texting him,” Penelope asked, “It has to be him, that smile. It has to be.” 

You looked up, surprised, “Caught.”

“I’m just happy you’re happy, Y/N,” Penelope said, “And clearly the redness in your cheeks has more to do with those texts than these drinks,” She laughed, “I’ll get JJ and Em to wrap things up so you can continue whatever you have going on in that text.” 

Your eyes returned to your phone, seeing two missed messages from Hotch in the moments you were talking with Penelope. 

**_Aaron Hotchner [9:31PM]: You better be coming home soon._ **

**_Aaron Hotchner [9:31PM]: Or else I am about to come back to that bar and fuck you wherever I feel suitable._ **

You swallowed thickly, hearing Emily and JJ return. 

“I think we should head out soon,” JJ said, “Will texted me while I was in the bathroom, Henry’s got a fever.”

“Oh, that’s too bad,”  _ boo hoo,  _ you thought, “We will have to do this again soon.”

“Yes,” Emily stumbled over her words, “Poor Sergio’s the only one that’s gonna see me like this,” Emily sighed, “JJ’s got Will, Penelope can call Morgan whenever she’d like, and you have Hotch and all his ties,” Emily said in her drunken state. 

You laughed. Emily didn’t even know half of it. 

After paying out your tab, the four of you headed out in JJ’s car. You were thankful that Hotch’s house was the closest. Pulling into the driveway, you started getting out. You heard the passenger window roll down, and Emily stuck her head out. 

“Go get some, Y/N!” 

Penelope rolled down the backseat window, “Have fun!” 

You shook your head, stumbling to the front door. You didn’t even have a chance for your hand to reach the front doorknob before Hotch opened and was pulling you inside. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: AH! What did you guys think? More smut to come in the next chapter, then moving onto the next big plot line, buckle up for the angst, babes! 
> 
> As always, I love hearing from you guys!!
> 
> Love, Aunt Ki! 


	36. Chapter Thirty-Six: You've been locked in there forever, and you just can't say goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends!! So sorry for the delay this weekend on this chapter. I was dealing with some personal stuff and just wanted to work through that before giving you guys a chapter you deserved!!
> 
> BUT! Before you read, could you guys do me a favor? 
> 
> I was silly and thought I would jokingly post a video of myself duetting Thomas Gibson’s TikTok, but when I went to delete it, it had gotten really popular with views. It is up to 42 thousand views right now, which is insane to me. 
> 
> But to make my embarrassment worthwhile, go tag Thomas’ TikTok on my video. He’s been super active at responding and commenting, and it would totally make my life. 
> 
> Enjoy!

You stumbled through the door, Hotch catching your fall before you fell to the floor. You giggled, holding onto his forearms, feeling as if the room was spinning around you. You had not been this drunk since college. You couldn’t remember the last time you took  _ that _ many shots, on top of martinis, which were strong enough. 

“That’s good to know,” Hotch laughed; you looked up to him, frowning, confused about what he meant. 

“What’s good to know?”

Hotch laughed, walking you up the stairs to his bedroom, “You told me that you were glad you had a strong boyfriend to catch you,” He said.

Typically, you would have blushed, feeling embarrassed at what you had said, but given your drunken state, you went with it. 

“You know, you’re  _ t-technically _ my h-husband,” You stumbled, slurring your words as you reached the top of the stairs. 

“Yeah,” Hotch said, still holding onto you, “Yeah, I am.” 

His grip on your forearm didn’t falter as he walked you towards the bed. He helped you sit, and you watched him leave you instantly. Slightly, you felt disappointed because he was not by your side anymore. After the text conversations, you two had, to say you were worked up was an understatement. 

You didn’t realize that Hotch had returned back to the edge of the bed, lifting your top off of your head. You reached for the seam of his shirt, and his hands went for yours quickly. 

“What,” You looked up to him, confused. 

“Y/N, you’re drunk,” Hotch said, taking your bra off and quickly covering you with one of his t-shirts, “Another time, okay?” 

“You’re such a tease,” You pouted as he walked away from the bed. You kicked off your jeans and got under the covers. 

Hotch walked to the bathroom and got a glass of water and Ibuprofen to leave beside the bed for you. He imagined a hefty hangover would meet you in the morning and wanted to be as helpful as he could. Walking back into the bedroom, he was met with soft, steady breathing coming from you. You had fallen into a deep sleep immediately, barely even laying down in the bed. 

  
  


Hotch smiled; you looked so peaceful sleeping. Walking over to your side of the bed, he left the water and Ibuprofen on the nightstand, shutting the light off as well. Walking over to the other side of the bed, Hotch slid into the bed, trying not to wake you. 

Hotch would be lying if he said he did not sleep with one eye open, making sure you were okay throughout the night.

You awoke the next morning with your head pounding. Your stomach was spinning, and the small amount of sunlight leaking in was too much to bear. Hotch was still asleep next to you; you got up and jogged towards the bathroom. Shutting it behind you, you bent down and let out all remains of last night’s outing. Holding onto the side of the toilet seat, you caught your breath. 

Feeling as you could stand, you leaned against the sink as you splashed cold water onto your face. You almost jumped, hearing knocking on the locked door. 

“Y/N,” it was Hotch, his voice still rough from sleep, “Are you alright?”

You cleared your throat, shutting the faucet off, “Yeah,” You swallowed, “I’m okay.” 

“If you need anything,” Hotch said, “Let me know, okay?” 

You nodded, although he couldn’t see you through the door, “I will.” 

You heard his footsteps leave the outside of the door and took a deep breath. Reaching for your toothbrush, you brushed your teeth, not wanting Hotch to have to deal with post-vomit breath on top of morning breath. 

Yawning, you walked out of the bathroom, finding Hotch sitting up in the bed waiting for you with concerned eyes.

“Are you okay?”

You nodded, slipping back into bed. Your eyes pinched shut, but Hotch knew you were listening. 

“You should take the Ibuprofen I left beside the bed,” Hotch said, “There is water there too; you need to stay hydrated.” 

You squinted your eyes open before reaching over to the nightstand, throwing the pills back into your mouth with the water. 

“Good,” Hotch said, “Now, get some rest.” 

You couldn’t protest with that, leaning back into the pillow; it formed so nicely around your head. You never noticed how comfortable Hotch’s pillows were until now, but hungover-you really appreciated it. 

Hotch had gotten started with his day. Locking the door behind him, he went to go pick up Jack, leaving you a note in case you woke up while he was gone. Jack was excited to see you, but Hotch had to explain to his nine-year-old that you were... _ not  _ feeling so well today, so you probably wouldn’t be able to color until tomorrow. 

“So, Y/N’s at the house,” Jack said gleefully from the backseat. After telling Hotch all about his few days with his Aunt Jessica, he retreated back towards the topic of you. 

“Yes,” Hotch said, “She will probably be staying with us for a while if that’s okay?” 

Hotch always wanted to make sure he ran things by his son. He wanted to be the father he never had. Although Hotch wasn’t always physically there, he hoped Jack knew he took his thoughts and emotions still into consideration.

“Yes,” Jack perked, “Why wouldn’t it be okay? Is she moving in with us?”   
  


Hotch frowned, not sure of the answer to that question, “I’m not sure, buddy,” Hotch said, “Y/N was sad we left and went back home to her mom and dad. She doesn’t have her apartment anymore, so she’s gonna stay with us until we figure that out.”

“Dad, she’s your girlfriend,” Jack said as if it was clear as day. Hotch had never  _ used _ the word girlfriend to Jack before, only telling him that Y/N was his friend and very important to him, “Don’t people who love each other live together?” 

Hotch smiled at Jack through the rearview mirror. The innocence of childhood, something Hotch wished Jack could hold onto forever. 

“Yeah, buddy,” Hotch said, “Y/N is my girlfriend, but I wanted to make sure it was okay with you before I asked if it was alright with her if she stayed.” 

Jack smiled wide, “Yeah, it’s okay! Y/N and I will be able to draw comics  _ wwaaayyy  _ more often.”

Hotch laughed, “Yes, that’s true,” He turned into the driveway of the house, “We just have to make sure that is what Y/N wants, right?” 

“Why wouldn’t she?” 

Hotch began unbuckling his seatbelt and turned back to Jack, “Well, there are a lot of reasons, Jack,” Hotch said, “A lot of grown-up reasons, but I have a feeling she might stay.” 

Jack smiled from ear to ear, “I have a feeling too, dad.” 

Hotch let Jack inside the house. Jack ran straight towards the TV, knowing Hotch got far more channels than Jessica. Another thing Jack missed, the freedom. Their home in Colorado while in WITSEC was very minimal. 

Because it was noontime, so he decided to make Jack some lunch. Deciding on mac and cheese, Hotch boiled the water for the pasta. Deciding while it was cooking, he would go check on you. 

Still out like a light, breathing steadily, you slept curled up in a cocoon of blankets. Hotch smiled softly at your figure balled up in the bed. It was an image he could get used to. Obviously minus the hangover, but seeing you there in his bed just felt right. 

He noticed that more of your water had been drinking, meaning you had been awake since he left. He took the glass back to the sink and refilled it with fresh water for you. Peeling off the sticky note he left for you before he left for Jack, he wrote you a new note on the pad.

_ Jack and I are downstairs if you need anything. Rest up.  _

_ -A _

  
  


The next few hours were filled with moments Hotch really cherished. Having Jack back in the house where he belonged meant so much to him. Seeing his son with a genuine smile on his face, true happiness displayed all over, made it all worth it. 

_ You really don’t know how much you have until it's gone, _ Hotch thought. 

Hearing footsteps walk down the stairs, he saw a refreshed you walk down. Your hair was damp, Hotch was happy to see you felt well enough to take a shower and put on comfortable clothes. 

Jack’s eyes lit up seeing you enter the living room, running up to you, abandoning the lego set he was focused on. He practically tackled you with a hug. Hotch didn’t realize  _ just  _ how tall Jack had gotten over the last few months until seeing him compared to you. 

“Hi, Jack,” You laughed, holding him close to you for a hug, “I missed you so much.”

Jack squeezed you so tightly, “I missed you so much, Y/N. It was so not fair we had to leave you.” 

You looked up, meeting Hotch’s eyes, both of your eyes told the same story, “I know,” You kissed Jack’s head, not a far reach down as he was to your shoulders now, “But we’re together now, and that’s all that matters, right?” 

Jack pulled back, looking up to you with a smile, “And dad said maybe you’d be moving in,” Jack walked back towards his legos that he was working on before you entered. You frowned, looking over to Hotch, knowing what Hotch  _ probably _ told Jack, but kids being kids, Jack said that. You figured giving Hotch a hard time was the easiest thing you could do in this situation. 

“Well, no Jack,” Hotch practically coughed the words out, “I said Y/N is staying here until us  _ grown-ups _ figure it out.” 

You bit back a smile as Hotch got his words out as quickly and methodically as he could, “Yeah, but you love each other why wouldn’t you two live together.” 

_ You were also legally married in Italy, but who kept track,  _ you thought,  _ not that Jack needs to know that _ .

“That’s true, Jack,” You smiled down at the little boy that looked so much like the man on the couch, “It is definitely I want to talk to your dad about.”   
  


Hotch’s eyes didn’t leave yours, but yours were anxiously trained on Jack’s. “Well, not much would change from before; you and dad were already together all of the time,” Jack said, connecting the legos in his hands, “And you guys work together.” 

You bit back a laugh, “That’s true, Jack, but I need to talk to Y/N about that when it is the right time,” Hotch said through his teeth. 

Jack didn’t answer, just continued to work on the project in front of him of colorful bricks. You walked over to the couch and sat beside Hotch, him pulling you into his side.

“How are you feeling?”

You scoffed a laugh, “Like I am not twenty years old anymore, unable to drink like I used to.” Hotch smirked, “I can’t imagine you’d be able to keep up with that crowd, old man,” You teased.   
  


Hotch threw you a  _ ‘are you serious,’ _ look, “Y/N,  _ watch it. _ ”

You giggled, snuggling into his side, watching whatever cartoon was displayed on the television as Jack created legos.

The next hours passed peacefully as you two enjoyed the day together. It wasn’t until you heard that all too familiar sound of Hotch’s phone ring as you were cleaning up dinner. 

“Go,” You nodded at Hotch, “Jack and I can clean up.” 

“Are you sure,” Hotch asked, reaching for his work phone. 

“Yes,” You laughed, “Go.” 

Hotch left the kitchen and retreated upstairs to his office. Jack and you worked by cleaning off the table together. You figured since it was just you and Jack, maybe it would be nice if you asked him how he felt about the whole situation. 

You thought back to times when you were put in uncomfortable and unconventional situations as a child and had wished someone took your emotions and feelings into consideration. 

“So, Jack,” You looked up from closing the dishwasher. Jack turned to you after putting the rest of the things away, “What do you think about me being around more?”

“It would be like before, right,” Jack said, “You would come to see Dad after work and sometimes stay over, or do you mean to move in?” 

“I don’t know,” You were honest, “I still have to talk to your dad, but I wanted to make sure that was something you were okay with.”

Jack frowned, “Why wouldn’t I be okay with that?” 

You shrugged, “Well, this is your house, and if you weren’t okay with that, then your dad and I could work something else out.” 

“No,” Jack said, “I think it will be fun,” You smiled, but your head turned towards the rushed footsteps down the stairs. 

“Alright,” Hotch said into the phone, “We’ll be there soon,” reaching the kitchen again, he didn’t even make eye contact with you, straight to Jack, “Bud, you mind going to the other room? I have to talk to Y/N about some work stuff.” 

Jack nodded, walking out of the kitchen to the living room. You didn’t think anything of it, knowing Hotch obviously did not like to talk about how gruesome your jobs were in front of Jack. 

“What’s up,” You said to him. Then you saw the distress form all over. His brows furrowed deeply; you knew the call must not have been a good one. 

“What was Matt’s last name,” Hotch said, still not looking at you.

Confused, you frowned, “Matt as in?”

“Yes.”

“His last name was London; Matthew London. Why?” 

“There has been a series of murders in Los Angeles,” Hotch said; you still didn’t understand and just  _ wished  _ he would at least look at you, “Three women raped and killed. There was a fourth, but she made it out alive after she was raped.” 

Beginning to get annoyed, your tone changed, “What the hell does this have to do with that scumbag?” 

Hotch looked at you then; the distress on his face was now followed with sadness, “The woman who escaped was Matt’s fiance.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An: Hiii! Hope you guys enjoyed that!! MATT’S BACK! Dun Dun DUNNNN
> 
> Love, Aunt Ki <3


	37. Chapter Thirty-Seven: ‘Cause you brought the flames, and you put me through hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends!! How are you all doing? I hope well!! Here is chapter 37! Thank you for all of the continued support on here. You all are what’s been keeping me standing this past week! 
> 
> A few quick TW’s: Mentions of rape, physical and mental abuse, and canon typical drama. 
> 
> I just wanted to put a little disclaimer here too that, as I had mentioned before that I am a victim of abuse, both physical and emotional, from someone I had based Matt’s character off of. Of course, this is fiction, and for fiction based on crime-drama, of course, I will have to stretch out the chase of is he the unsub? Is he not? The Matt in my life was not an unsub (not saying the one in this story will be!), but someone who hurt me both physically and mentally, and I will deal with the aftermaths of that for the rest of my life. But ironically, I kept parts of the names canon for these people I despise with most of my life ;) 
> 
> Enjoy!

The jet seemed quieter than usual. Maybe it was the fact this was the first case you were back on since you left or the truth which was involved with this case. Either way, the constant thrumming of your heartbeat filled your ears. 

You had been nervously tapping the wooden table in front of your seat as you looked out the window. Besides the anxiety-ridden fidgeting, Hotch wouldn’t say you looked a bit different from the first time he saw you on the jet. 

You felt Hotch’s large hand on top of yours, stopping you from moving it. You looked away from the window; your eyes told a story that the words wouldn’t do justice. Hotch knew. 

Hotch knew you were scared. 

Hotch knew you most likely felt sick. 

Hotch knew this was all too much. 

But Hotch also knew  _ you _ . He knew you would not want to sit this one out; more than ever, you would get justice in whatever way was possible. 

You thought back to the words Hotch told you in the kitchen only hours before. You sometimes felt the universe was laughing at you; couldn’t you just be happy for once? 

  
  


_ “There has been a series of murders in Los Angeles,” Hotch said; you still didn’t understand and just wished he would at least look at you, “Three women raped and killed. There was a fourth, but she made it out alive after she was raped.”  _

__

_ Beginning to get annoyed, your tone changed, “What the hell does this have to do with that scumbag?”  _

_ Hotch looked at you then; the distress on his face was now followed with sadness, “The woman who escaped was Matt’s fiance.”  _

_ You paused. You felt as if you didn’t hear him correctly. Going over it in your head, again and again, you replayed Hotch’s words.  _

_ The woman who escaped was Matt’s fiance. _

_ The woman who escaped was Matt’s fiance. _

_ The woman who escaped was Matt’s fiance. _

_ Matt’s fiance. _

_ Matt. _

_ You shook your head, “Are you sure he didn’t just slap her around,” You scoffed, grabbing your things. _

_ “Y/N, what are you doing?” _

_ “Let’s go,” You gestured, “We need to get to LA to make sure this isn’t some cover-up.” _

_ Hotch sighed, really wishing you would sit this one out, but there was no arguing with you. You, above all else, always put work first. He was the same way; could he blame you for that?  _

_ Dialing Jess’ number, he gathered his things and got Jack together. Hotch just hoped whatever happened didn’t break you. He had already done enough damage the last six months, he thought.  _

  
  


You barged through the doors of the station. The team wasn’t briefed on the closeness you held to this case; Hotch wanted to keep it that way. Rossi was the only one who knew, given Hotch needed someone he could trust in case you broke. 

“Hi officer,” Hotch offered a hand, “I’m SSA Hotchner, this is is SSA Y/L/N, the two of us will be taking the lead on this case.” 

You looked to Hotch, frowning, before shaking the officer’s hand. You didn’t even catch the man’s name; you were so preoccupied with the fact Hotch wanted you taking the lead. You  _ figured, _ at the very least, Hotch would be making you take a step back. 

“Is there a spot where the rest of my team can set up,” Hotch asked. 

“Right this way, Agent Hotchner,” The officer walked ahead of you and Hotch. Hotch held back for a second and looked at you.

“Are you going to be able to stay neutral on this,” Hotch’s voice was low, so only the two of you could hear; you nodded, “I want you to take the lead on this because I think not only will you be able to help give a better profile if he  _ is  _ involved in any foul play, but I think you deserve justice too.”

Feeling at a loss of words, hearing Hotch have that much faith in you as an agent. Despite being his girlfriend… _.well legally his wife, _ but besides the point, his feelings for you as your superior was reassuring. You gave him a small smile before he squeezed your shoulder. 

The two of you followed the officer down the hall to the empty office left for the team. You heard footsteps follow, the group catching up. 

“Where is Matthew London and his girlfriend,” Hotch asked the officer.

“We have them in a private room; the girl was pretty shaken up,” The officer said, “But I can show you both to them.” 

Your heart sank then, your words getting the best of you, “I think I should stay back with the team right now.”

Hotch raised an eyebrow, “Morgan, you and Prentiss, go talk with them,” Hotch yelled over to them. Morgan and Emily walked out of the office, down the hall with the officer. You frowned, “If you’re not in the room with me, I am pretty sure I will lose my job if I do what I want to do to that guy,” He said, again so just you could hear. 

Your stomach flipped at the thought, between the sheer protectiveness Hotch felt for you, and the idea of Hotch wanted to put his hands on the man who ruined a piece of you, made you feel different things. 

The officer returned with files in hand for you all, “They’re in what is technically an interrogation room,” The officer said, “If any of your agents want to take notes.” 

“I think we’d be best behind glass right now,” You scoffed to Hotch, who gave you a small smirk. 

“Follow me,” The officer said, ignoring your comment. 

You thought about the day you would see him again. You thought about the day you would see the man who stole the innocence right from out under you. Sometimes the thoughts were vengeful, but others were statements of declaration proving him wrong. 

But seeing him sitting there in the chair with the same sad face he would fake with you so many times had you speechless. The girlfriend, Madison, had a badly bruised eye and lip. She was clutching her stomach, hunched in pain. You knew the look too much. 

Instinctively, your hand cradled your arm; you could still feel the bruising fingerprints on it from when he’d pull you around. You breathed, and you felt your ribs ache from the time he kicked you in the ribs. But most of all? Your eyes stung with the feeling of threatening tears. 

“There he is,” You said, your voice hoarse with emotion.

Hotch was surprised when he saw the man; it was not someone you would depict as the stereotypical man who beat his significant other. Not that there  _ was _ a type, in all of Hotch’s years in the profession, he knew that. Ironically, the man dressed more similarly to Reid than anyone. The job always seemed to keep Hotch on his toes, but seeing a stereotypical hipster dressing twenty-something-year-old, really made him rethink how he went in on a profile when it came to physical appearance. 

“Surprising, huh,” You looked at Hotch with a raised eyebrow, “Hard to picture me with someone that dresses like...well,  _ that _ .” 

Hotch inhaled, “Yeah,” he exhaled, looking down at the file in his hands, “Doesn’t make it any easier for me to not want to go in there and wrap my hands around his throat.” 

“C’mon,” You perked, “I only like when you do that to me.” 

Hotch snapped his eyes to you; your dumb brain thought  _ now _ was a good time to make a joke.  _ Get a grip, Y/N,  _ you thought. He looked back down to his file.

“Sorry,” You sighed, “I don’t deal well in these situations.” 

Hotch didn’t look up, “To be fair, I wouldn’t expect you to. I’m surprised you can even stand to look at him.” 

You bit your lip, watching Matt look down at the floor with the same sour puss you knew too well, “I think there is a thing called Karma for a reason,” You said.

“Y-Yeah,” Matt’s girlfriend, Madison, stuttered, “We were about to go on our v-vacation to Mexico for our anniversary.” 

“And you said at the store the man grabbed you,” Morgan asked.

“She was picking up travel stuff,” Matt interrupted, answering for her. There’s the Matt you  _ knew. _ Wouldn’t ever let you have an ounce of your own opinion. 

“We were asking her, Mr. London,” Emily interrupted, “Madison, can you continue?”

Matt didn’t like that; you laughed behind the glass at the small amount of frustration that appeared on his face. Matt didn’t like being told what to do, especially by a woman. 

“I was at the Walmart down the street,” Madison said, “The man approached me in the parking lot.”

“He approached you during the day at the Walmart,” Emily asked, looking down at the file that both you and Hotch had, which read the man who was the suspect was catching his prey at night. 

“Yeah,” Madison sighed, rubbing her arms. She was practically rocking back and forth in the chair. 

Matt let out a frustrated sigh, “Ya know,” He stood, “Isn’t this supposed to be about finding this asshole that did this? This shouldn’t be some sort of interrogation.” 

“If you could sit down,” Derek hissed at him, “This isn’t an interrogation; we are trying to get all of the facts so we can work up a profile and catch the man who did this to your fiancee.”

Matt ran his fingers through his hair, still overgrown and emo-boyband....just like he liked it. He sat and shook his head, “I just want to find out who did this,” He put his arm around Madison, “You have no idea how much it hurts to see the woman I love  _ treated _ like this.” 

You were fuming. Red was all you saw. You shook your head, fists balling at your sides. 

“I understand that, Mr. London,” Derek said, “To do that, you need to cooperate.”

Matt nodded, squeezing Madison closer to him. You could almost see Madison wince as he did so, “Ya know,” Matt said, choked up in what most would call emotion, “My father abused me; it’s something I will never get over. He called me responsible in his suicide letter,” Matt cleared his throat, “I don’t need my Maddie here to carry around any guilt that this is her fault.”

Emily frowned, “We never said it was her fault. Maybe you should let us continue with our questions?” 

“Is that true,” Hotch interrupted your thoughts, which included walking through the doors and sticking Matt in the carotid with a pen. 

“What?”

“About his father.” 

“Yeah, why,” You frowned, looking at him.

“Because,” Hotch looked back down at his files where he began writing, “Matt isn’t ruled out as a suspect to have done this to her.”

“Yeah,” You sighed, “But if he has her half as brainwashed as I was, she’ll follow him till he’s ready to kick her to the curb.” You looked forwards at Madison, who began relaxing in Matt’s touch; it was like looking in a mirror of your past, “Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if he didn’t end things.”

“What do you mean,” Hotch looked to you again. 

“Would I have come to my senses, or would I have taken another blow to the ribs and been gaslighted until it killed me?” 

Hotch’s stare softened. Part of Hotch wished he knew you back then; he wished he could have gotten you out of it all and made it better so much sooner. 

“He made me feel so awful when he finally ended things,” You continued to look through the glass, “He told me I would be better off dead, better off alone. Nobody would ever want me.” 

Hotch couldn’t help himself; before he could even think, he protectively had you wrapped in his arms, kissing the top of your head. 

It took you a moment to process the embrace before you wrapped your arms around his midsection, “What’s this for?” 

Hotch kissed your head one last time before pulling back to look at you, “Because you never should have had to go through that.” 

“It’s not your fault, Aaron.” 

“It doesn’t make it any easier knowing,” He cleared his throat, returning to the files in his hand. Reorganizing them as he did as they were crushed by the hug. 

“I can stop talking about it if it makes you uncom-”

“No,” He said sternly, “That’s not what I meant,” he shook his head, “I want you to be able to come to me with these things.” 

“You’re too good for me,” You smiled, wanting to kiss him and take all of the pain away right then and there. The day was already catching up to you; your nerves felt as if they were on fire, and your joints ached. The perks of having chronic pain, you thought. 

Before Hotch could even protest that statement, Derek and Emily returned. Hotch snapped his head back to them. 

“They asked for some time alone,” Emily said, “The girl seems pretty traumatized.”

You sighed, shaking your head, seeing the officer guide them out of the interrogation room to a more private space. Seeing as there was no reason to convict Matt other than your own story, which could not be backed up by any physical evidence, there was no reason to keep them in the interrogation room. 

“Wouldn’t you be,” You almost snapped at Emily, you corrected your tone, “I mean, given what she’s saying happened?”

“Yeah,” Emily said, “I’m sure I would be,” She gave you a soft smile, almost knowing, “Hotch, did the rape test come back?” 

“I have to call the hospital and see,” Hotch said, looking back down at his files, “Unless you want to, Y/N?” 

“Sure,” You nodded, “Excuse me,” You said, passing Derek and Emily to exit the room.

“I just feel something fishy about the whole thing, Hotch,” Derek sighed, “I don’t like the way that guy was acting all-” 

“Controlling,” Hotch finished. 

“Yeah,” Derek scoffed.

“I got the same feeling from the guy,” Emily said. Three knocks on the door, Spencer peeking his head in.

“Hey, sorry to interrupt,” Spencer said, “I just got off the phone with Penelope,” He frowned, “I don’t know if this is possible, but there was a phone call made before the two of them came in here today from a number under Madison’s name.”

“What do you mean,” Emily said. 

“She called the police station, whispering into the phone that she was raped and beat before abruptly hanging up,” Spencer said. 

“She called the police station before Matt brought her in?”

“Yeah,” Spencer said, “The number and tracking on the cellphone is a dead end now, Garcia said, it’s been turned off for about eight hours.” 

“Reid, have Garcia get those numbers pulled up for me,” Hotch said, his tone rushed, “Morgan, grab Y/N for me.” 

Derek frowned, confused at Hotch, not fully understanding the circumstances. 

“ _ Now _ ,” Hotch demanded. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An: Ah! Another cliffhanger!!! Will Y/N be safe from Matt’s wrath? Until the next chapter! But until then, what did you guys think? Love your comments as always!
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Aunt Ki!


	38. Chapter Thirty-Eight:  I can't walk straight when I'm never free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends!! How are you all on this lovely Tuesday/Wednesday? It’s technically Wednesday here because I don’t understand how to sleep on a regular sleeping schedule!!
> 
> Anywho! 
> 
> TW: Mentions of Rape and Abuse; typical canon violence. 

“Agent Hotchner?” 

“What is it,” Hotch didn’t mean to snap, but Morgan left; he looked up at the clock -- two and a half minutes ago. He was still not back with you, and Hotch couldn’t  _ help _ but worry. If any of this came back to Matt, you were in danger if he were to find out you were on this case. 

“‘fraid we’ve got a bit of a dead-end,” The officer said, shrugging as he leaned against the doorway.

“A dead  _ end”  _ The words spat off of Hotch’s lips like poison. The officer’s reaction to his remarks less than satisfying for Hotch. Sometimes he wished the officers they worked with were better trained to think a step ahead. 

“Y-Yeah,” The officer said, “‘fraid so. The girl took back her statement. She claimed it was some big misunderstanding,” The officer laughed, “Glad we have one less person ruffled up in this.” 

Hotch’s eyes grew wide,  _ of-fucking-course _ , he thought. “She withdrew her statement?” 

“Yeah, Officer Lowell just let the lady and her fiance out about five minutes ago,” The officer said, “Clearly they got somethin’ goin’ on,” He laughed again, “Glad we just don’t have to deal with it.” 

Hotch was about to backhand the officer right in front of him. He wished competency was something  _ required _ to work in law enforcement.  _ If only we could be so lucky _ , Hotch thought. 

“Officer, bring me the chief of the department,” Hotch demanded; the officer frowned, _“NOW._ And I want officers out on the street. You need to bring Matthew London and his girlfriend back before I get a warrant.” Hotch’s voice was raised; he didn’t care at this point _who_ heard him, “And I will have my word with your chief about disrupting a federal investigation, Officer--” Hotch looked at the man’s badge, _“Reynolds.”_

“Yes, sir,” The officer said, turning on his heels out of the office. Hotch began pacing. His mind was blocked with only thoughts of you. He couldn’t clearly  _ think _ nor do his job as Unit Chief to stop not only the murders but correlate if and how Matt fit into it all. 

  
  
  
  
  


You frowned with the phone against your ear. The medical examiner said the rape test had come back inconclusive, which meant getting Madison to get another test would be another story. 

“Thank you,” You sighed, “You too,” Hanging up the phone. You shook your head, looking down at the black screen of your phone. 

You needed a minute to breathe, to take it all in. It was all too real. Seeing Matt in that room was like a nightmare, you had to admit. Vengeance be damned, right now you felt sick to your stomach. 

“Excuse me,” A voice came from the door behind you, you turned quickly, “Are you Y/N Y/L/N?”

It was an officer, a young one, male. Probably around your age. 

You frowned, “Agent Y/L/N, yes. Why?” 

“Just a familiar name popping up,” The man said; you frowned further, “Thank you, Agent  _ Y/L/N _ ,” the officer winked before walking out. 

You didn’t even have time to shoot him a disgusted look before he was gone. You sat down in the conference room chair, putting your head in your hands. 

“There you are. Y/N!”

You bolted at the sound of your name. You felt so on edge. If it were anyone  _ but _ Derek, you might have snapped at him. 

“What’s up Derek,” You said, your tone showing your exhaustion. 

“Hotch wants you,” He gestured for you to get up. You scoffed a sigh before dragging yourself up and out with Derek. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” 

You sighed again, “I wanted to be somewhere private,”  _ because I don’t want my psycho ex-boyfriend to see me here alone.  _

“Yeah,” Derek said, “I get it; these cops can be pains in the asses. They’ve been giving Prentiss hell.” 

“She shouldn’t have to deal with that.” 

“That’s politics, kid,” Derek shrugged, “Just have to deal with it. Hotch would be the first to say we can’t disrupt the comradery between the police units.” 

You bit back your rude response, saving it for another time as you continued to walk down the hall. 

Entering the room where you left Hotch not even ten minutes ago, you saw he was pacing. Your frowned, “Hey, the tests came back inconclusive. We’re gonna have to get another-” 

Hotch’s face snapped to you; you frowned as he walked towards you with force before wrapping you in his arms. You let out a shaky laugh, hugging him back.

“Um, Hotch,” You tried reminding him Derek was  _ right  _ there and you were  _ at _ work. 

“You’re okay,” Hotch pulled back, exhaling. Confusion displayed over your face, “Madison retracted her statement.” 

“ _ What?” _

“The officer’s let them go,” Hotch said, now unwrapping his arms from you. He walked to the other end of the room now, running his hand through his hair. His back now towards you. 

You looked to Derek, who had more than confusion on his face, “Hotch, I think this guy a scumbag, fiancee beater, but I don’t think he had anything to do with these murders.” 

Hotch snapped towards you and Derek again; you could see how tense he was by the way his shoulders were held and the tightness in his jaw. You bit your inner cheek. You could see Hotch wanted to tell everyone, the team, what Matt did to you. It would solidify any profile or any connection whatsoever. 

“Derek,” You started. 

“ _ Y/N, _ ” Hotch pleaded. 

“It’s okay,” You reassured Hotch, “Matt is my ex-boyfriend,” Derek’s frown furthered, “He was both physically and mentally very abusive to me.”

Derek looked speechless, “Morgan, I think I have good reason to believe even if this is disconnected to the murders, Matthew London is dangerous,” Hotch said. 

“And they let that scumbag go,” Derek gestured out of the room. 

“I have officers out looking for him before I can get a warrant.” 

“Hotch, you have no reason to believe that this has anything to do with a federal investigation,” You interrupted.

“Aren’t you evidence enough,” Derek asked. 

“There  _ is _ no evidence,” You exhaled, “There are no photos, there’s no messages, papers,  _ anything _ ,” You shook your head, “I never went to the police. I never even thought it was an option.”

“What do you mean,” Derek asked, “If he did anything to you what he did to that girl-” 

“ _ No,”  _ You raised your voice, “I didn’t because it was far too late for me to realize that it wasn’t my f-fault.” Your voice became thick with emotion. Hotch could see and place a hand on your shoulder. You shook it off, not meaning to be cruel, but you needed space, “Excuse me,” you said, slipping out of the room before the tears could fall. 

Pushing through the front door of the station, you shakily inhaled the fresh air. You exhaled before folding your hands on top of your head. You paced the parking lot, trying to catch your breath. You had not had a panic attack in so long, but the contracting of your lungs and the burning in your throat made you know one was coming. 

You took a seat on the curb and put your head between your knees, inhaling and exhaling in rhythm. The world felt far too small right now. You felt like your senses were also heightened, and walls were closing in. 

You heard footsteps, and if your head wasn’t between your legs, you would have been able to identify them. You sighed, “Whoever it is, Derek, Hotch, I am fine,” You breathed, “I j-just need a moment.” 

“You don’t deserve a moment,” You heard before feeling something hit you over the head. You didn’t even have time to scream before your world went black and your head hit the pavement. 

  
  
  


“Morgan, gather the team for me,” Hotch sighed, “I’m gonna go check on Y/N, and maybe with our heads together, we can figure something rational out.” 

Hotch began to walk out of the room before he felt Derek grab him by the forearm, “Hotch,” Hotch turned to Derek, “You alright?” 

“It doesn’t matter right now,” Hotch said, walking out of the room to go get you outside. This scene felt all too similar to the last time you both were in Los Angeles. Him finding you outside of that apartment you once lived in, sitting on the side of the pavement. 

Exiting the front doors of the station, Hotch frowned; it almost looked like you were lying down-you  _ were _ lying do-

_ “Y/N?”  _

Hoch’s pace hurried, seeing you face down as he got closer to you across the parking lot. Getting to you, he could see you were unconscious. His heart rate raced; kneeling beside you, he put his fingers to your pulse, which was significantly weakened. 

Hotch lifted his cellphone to his ear, dialing 911 as quickly as he could. 

“Yes, this is SSA Hotchner with the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit,” Hotch said quickly, “We have an agent down at the first station in Los Angeles. We need medics  _ now. _ ”

“Straight away, agent.” 

Hotch hung up; before he could even put his phone down, the team was rushing out the door. 

“Aaron,” Rossi yelled, they ran closer, “We just heard the call from inside.” 

After all of the foolishness at this station today, Hotch was happy the officers were monitoring their scanners. 

“What happened,” JJ asked, panicked. 

“It looks like she was struck from behind,” Hotch shook his head. The sirens started in the distance; he looked up as he saw the flashing lights approaching. 

It all happened so quickly; one minute Hotch was on the ground by your side, and the next, you were being lifted onto a gurney. 

“Can I have the agent’s name?” 

“Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N,” Hotch told the paramedic before turning to Derek, “I need you to take over,” Hotch said to Derek, who didn’t even second guess the man. He had seen Hotch lose too much to even argue with the man, “I’m going with her.”

“I’m sorry, Agent,” The paramedic said, “Coworkers can’t ride along with patients. We will be sure to call her next of kin, though.” 

“I  _ am _ her next of kin,” Well, not officially, but by law, he was your husband, that meant something right. The paramedic frowned, “I’m her husband; let me go with her.”

The team all looked at each other in shock, confused at what just came out of Hotch’s mouth. If the paramedic wasn’t nodding as Hotch was stepping up into the ambulance, they would have poked more. 

The team watched as the ambulance disappeared in the distance before turning to each other. 

“They’re married,” JJ asked Rossi as if he would know. 

“Don’t look at me,” Rossi raised his hands, “This is all news to me too.” 

“I mean, Hotch doesn’t seem like the type who would just say that,” Emily laughed. 

“He could have just to get on the ambulance with her,” Spencer shrugged, “But then again, Hotch didn’t even have to think of that one before saying it.”

“Have you ever seen Hotch like that,” JJ asked the team, emotion starting to spread on her face. 

“With Haley, I just remember him stepping back long before he got to the point of breaking down,” Emily offered, “He was that erratic when Foyet got to her, but this...this is different.”

“You guys should have seen him with her in the office,” Derek said, “I think I saw about a dozen emotions run through the man’s face.” 

“Why would someone attack Y/N thought,” Spencer asked, “Is it related to the unsub?” 

Rossi sighed, “Matt London is Y/N’s ex-boyfriend,” The team frowned, “From what Hotch told me, he put his hands on her... _ a lot _ . And the words that came out of his mouth? Even worse.” 

“Did he know that she was working on this case,” JJ panicked, her eyes growing wide in realization. 

“I don’t know,” Rossi sighed, “I just have a feeling he knew, and that’s what spooked him into having Madison retract her statement.” 

“Y/N went out to get air,” Derek sighed, “I was poking her for questions-”

“This isn’t your fault, Derek,” Emily reassured, putting her hand on his shoulder.

“I know, it’s just...she was upset,” Derek shook his head, “If it was him, he got her when she was least expecting it.” 

“When she was weakest,” Spencer agreed. 

“What an asshole,” Emily shook her head. 

“I’m with you there,” JJ said, “It never gets any easier; when one of us is down, it just always feels like a kick to all of us.” 

“I know,” Derek said, “We need to figure this out, though. For Y/N  _ and _ Hotch, okay?” 

“We should check the security footage; maybe we can see something,” Spencer said.

“Good,” Derek said. 

“Let’s get back inside,” Rossi agreed, gesturing for them all to move back into the station. 

  
  
  
  


“Agent Hotchner?”

Hotch lifted his head from the waiting room. The smell of the hospital, though one he’d never been in before, smelt like any other. He shook his thoughts and stood as the doctor walked towards him.

“Your wife, Agent Y/L/N, has a mild concussion, so should take it easy,” The doctor said, “She’s lucky; the MRI showed no bleeds or damage. She’ll be sore, but she’s a trooper.” 

Hotch exhaled, “Can I see her?” 

“Sure, right this way,” The doctor gestured him to follow her, “We’re gonna monitor her for a few hours before we can discharge her, okay?”

“That sounds good,” Hotch agreed, following her behind the hospital doors. 

“I suggest no fieldwork for about two weeks, though,” The doctor said, “Not unless it’s essential.” 

Hotch laughed, “Telling me I can’t be putting, what I think is one of my best agents in the field is hard to hear,” The doctor laughed, “I might be biased, though, considering she’s also the one who married me.” 

“Given how hard the hit was, you’ve got one hell of a wife in there, Agent,” The doctor smiled, stopping in front of the door, “Right in here.” 

“Thank you, doctor.”

“The nurse will be back in a few to check up.”

Hotch nodded before opening the door. You laid there with your eyes shut, but the sound of the door flung them open. 

“ _ Aaron,”  _ You said in relief, opening your arms to him. Hotch walked over to you, leaning down, embracing you. He squeezed you with all his might, “Honey, you’re crushing me,” you laughed. 

Not letting go, Hotch sat on the edge of the hospital bed. You rubbed his back before feeling him kiss the side of your head, almost with desperation-- Like if he didn’t, you would disappear. 

Hotch finally pulled back, and you saw the dampness around his eyes, “ _ Aaron _ ,” you said sadly, your hands reaching up to cup his jaw. The feeling of the beard he had still not shaved, only trimmed, there. 

“I  _ can’t _ lose you,” Hotch said, his voice rough with emotion. 

You wiped the lone tear that trailed down his cheek. You had never seen Hotch like this before, so taken over with emotion, let alone crying. 

“You’re not going to lose me, okay?” 

“You can’t say that,” Hotch shook his head in your hands, “Not with what we do. Not with what’s out there.” 

“I can’t promise I won’t get hurt, Aaron,” You said, “But I can promise you won’t lose me, okay?” 

“You can’t promise that.” 

“I can,” Hotch frowned, “You’re the one who said that you weren’t going anywhere without me,” You smiled, “Like Romeo and Juliet,” shrugging, you then leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on his lips. “See, I’m here.”

“How are you feeling,” Hotch asked, his hand coming up to comb your hair back.

You let go of his face, “I feel like I have a dull headache, but other than that, as good as I can be for just being knocked over the head by my psycho ex-boyfriend.” 

Hotch furrowed his brows, “You’re sure it was him.” 

“Positive,” You nodded, your hands fidgeting in your lap, “I don’t remember what, but he said something before I went out. It was his voice.” 

_ The voice that would haunt you for the rest of ever.  _


	39. Chapter Thirty-Nine: But I'd never say "I love you, " dear, just to hear you say it back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all! So sorry for the long-awaited chapter, this has been the longest I have gone without posting and I feel like I have withdrawals! I have had a crazy few days, a family member of mine that I live with has been in the hospital so between that, school, and just life in general, I was having trouble balancing! 
> 
> But here we go! Enjoy!! :) 

“Hotchner,” Hotch picked up the ringing cell phone. You were slipping back into your jeans and blouse, waiting for the doctors to bring you your discharge papers. “Alright, thanks, Garcia,” Hotch nodded, “I will,” You saw frustration appear on Hotch’s face, “Not now, Garcia,” Hotch said under his breath. Hotch still seemed on edge and tense from the events that happened earlier. You couldn’t blame him. 

Hanging up, he turned back to you, now dressed, “What did Penelope want?” 

“It wasn’t Matt,” Hotch said, your eyes grew. You  _ knew _ what you heard. You weren’t crazy. You listened to that psychotic man’s voice before you went out.

“What do you mean it wasn’t Matt?” 

“It wasn’t Matt who hit you over the head,” Hotch said, “It was the unsub.” 

“I  _ know _ what I heard, Aaron,” You raised your voice now; you didn’t want to start an argument over what you heard and what you  _ knew _ ...so you thought.

“Y/N, it was on the security footage,” Hotch nodded, “Morgan and the team already have a working profile; Matt is entirely unrelated.” 

You furrowed your brows, “How do you explain what I heard?” 

“Y/N, you were upset about the situation as it was, rightfully so,” Hotch argued, “I think that was your subconscious trying to tell you something.”

At the end of the day, it would be nice to throw a guy like Matt behind bars, but you were not so lucky, and the fiance of his even worse off. 

“So this means she called trying to get away from him,” You started. 

“Yeah,” Hotch exhaled, “And he got mad and tried to cover it up with all that’s been in the news lately.”

“And the unsub,” You countered, trying to put the pieces together in your head; the throbbing became more and more apparent the more your brain functioned. You also began to feel your nerves start to flare, something you knew far too well, but no need to worry Hotch with another thing. 

“I think you were just a crime of opportunity,” Hotch cringed at the thoughts of the women in the case files; he was thankful you didn’t end up like them. “I’m just glad you didn’t wander further than the front of a police station, or else he might have done much worse.” 

“But he didn’t,” You walked into Hotch’s space, laying your hand flat against his chest, “What did Garcia want when you told her not now?” 

Hotch froze against your touch, you removed your hand from his chest, “How’s your head,” he changed the subject. 

“Fine,” You shrugged, “But you didn’t answer my question.” 

Hotch sighed, running his hand through his hair; he looked like he grew two sizes smaller, not the usual, confident man in front of you, “I might have slipped up.”

“Slipped  _ up?” _

“The paramedic wasn’t letting me ride with you in the ambulance,” Hotch gestured in the air, “And well, I kinda made it clear I was your next of kin legally because I’m your husband.” 

The words still sounded so foreign to your ears; you almost didn’t register what he meant by it.

“So, we can do one of two things,” Hotch interrupted your processing, “We can say I lied to get in the ambulance with you, or--”

“Come clean,” You scoffed a laugh, “We have to come clean; they’ll never forgive us if we don’t.”

“You’re right there.” 

“Aaron,” You rolled your eyes, figuring now was a perfect moment to push Aaron Hotchner’s buttons, “I’m  _ always  _ right.”

Hotch let out a laugh, “The longer we are together, every day more and more I have to agree with that statement.” He walked over to you, wrapping his arms around you, kissing the top of your head, “I’m so happy you’re okay.”

“I might die from all of the questions thrown at me the minute we see those clowns again,” You looked up to him in the embrace, he chuckled again, “That’s on you, all you.” 

“I take full responsibility,” Hotch smiled, “Maybe we’ll be able to get used to it now we don’t have to hide it.” 

The thought of actually continuing life, not pretending the whole thing didn’t happen, crossed your mind. You figured if you stayed together for years, then maybe you would do things the right way.

Did you picture yourself as the marrying type? No. Especially after Matt. When you were young and naive, maybe you would have considered it, but present-day you? It was against everything you built your morals around. 

With Hotch, though, it felt different. You never needed to ask for reassurance. It was second nature for Hotch to reassure you or know what you were worrying about before it formed words. 

You wanted so badly to talk about it more, you tried to push through your insecurities and pain and just  _ talk _ , but time never seemed to be on your side, the same time as your sanity. 

The nurse came back in with your discharge papers allowing you to go. Back to business as usual, you returned to the station where some of the team resided. Spencer and JJ had left to speak with some of the victim’s families.

“There she is,” Derek called over to you as you walked into the station, his usual perky tone. You shot the remaining team a smile. Hotch guided you inside, his hand on your lower back.

You found the team sitting at the main conference table; files displayed all over the top. Half drunken cups of coffee and empty Chinese food boxes sat on top of some files. You could see it had been a long day all over each of their faces with two people down for a good part of the day. 

“How are you feeling, kiddo,” Rossi asked gently as you took a seat at the conference table with them, Hotch right beside you.

“Just feel like I have a dull headache, only a mild concussion, luckily,” You shrugged, “I’ll be alright after a good night’s sleep,” The only thing is, by the looks at the time, you wouldn’t be getting a good night sleep knowing you were in the same city as Matt.

“ _ So, _ ” Emily said, her voice sounding like she was about to spread gossip on the playground. 

“Emily,” Derek laughed, shooting her a look, scolding her.   
  


“Someone has to point out the elephant in the room,” Emily shrugged, she turned to you and Hotch, “So when were you going to tell us that you got... _ married?”  _

You let out a nervous chuckle, “W-We uh,” You looked to Hotch, “I think  _ Hotch  _ is better at telling the story.” You kicked him lightly under the table, given he  _ was  _ the one who said he was going to handle this in the first place. 

“I’m dying in suspense here, guys,” Emily leaned forward on the conference table with an eager look on her face.

“We got married when I went to visit Y/N in Italy, after Jack and I got back from WITSEC,” Hotch said before shifting his view to you, “It was a spur of the moment thing, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.” 

“An Italian Wedding,” Rossi cheered, raising his hands, “ _ Bravo!” _

You smiled at him; you knew he would be pleased with the location, “I really should have asked you for travel advice before my trip, Rossi.” 

“Next time you both go,” Rossi smiled to you and Hotch,  _ next time, _ “I would be happy to pull some strings.” 

“It’s funny,” Derek laughed, “I was waiting for you to say it was some drunken decision or something.” 

You almost choked on your spit, “No,” Hotch laughed, shaking his head, “ _ Definitely  _ not.”

_ Little did they know _ .

“So when’s the party,” Emily asked, “I am just itching to get back over to Rossi’s beautiful house.” 

“You’re just itching for the expensive wine, Prentiss,” Derek argued; you all laughed. He had a point. 

“We really haven’t talked about it yet,” You shrugged, looking back to Hotch, “We don’t need a-”

“Don’t even  _ finish  _ that sentence,” Rossi interrupted, “Not only do you both deserve to be celebrated, any woman who can get this man to relax in life before he gets to be as old and grey as me,” Rossi laughed, “Is a winner in my book.” 

“Dave, don’t push it; you still have some years on me.” 

“ _ Some _ ,” Rossi winked to you, and you laughed. 

“He’s got a point there, old man,” You instantly felt Hotch return that kick from moments ago. 

“So, ring?” 

You frowned at Emily’s question, not understanding what she meant by that, but then it clicked in your mind,  _ oh right, people usually get engaged before they get married! _

“You know me-”

“We’re working on it,” Hotch said, giving Emily a  _ look _ while you weren’t looking, instantly shutting her up. You didn’t think much of it, given it was never anything you brought up. You very clearly weren’t materialistic in that sense, and Hotch knew that. 

JJ and Spencer had eventually returned; the rest of the night, you all went over theories for the case after you got through breaking the news to JJ and Spencer. JJ and Spencer reacted very much like you expected them to, both extremely happy and supportive. Yawning filled the room every few minutes; you were hoping Hotch got the picture to tell the team to wrap up and head to the hotel.

“I suppose we should call it a day and head over to the hotel,” Hotch closed the file, “I just wanted to thank everyone for their hard work today while I was gone.” 

“Of course, man,” Derek said, “That’s what we’re here for.” 

“I honestly wonder  _ how _ long it would have taken you to tell us that you both got married if this didn’t happen,” JJ laughed, she turned her focus to you, “I’m just happy you’re alright, Y/N.”

“We all are, kiddo,” Rossi said, “But one little piece of advice for the two of you?”

You frowned, not following, “That is?”

“Keep your distance from Garcia,” Rossi winced, “ _ Someone,”  _ he pointed to Derek, “Let her know, and she won’t relent until she gets the-”

“ _ Entire  _ Story,” Emily finished, laughing, “Really, she’s gonna be all over you both when we get back.” 

“Oh, I already got a taste of that when she called me this afternoon,” Hotch scoffed a laugh, “But I don’t expect anything less than from her.” 

The team made their way to the hotel, then split up to their individual rooms. You were hugged tightly and congratulated one last time before each of you made your way upstairs. Hotch and you walked your way down the hall towards your room, each carrying your bags. 

“At least the bureau can save money on one room now,” You joked, as Hotch put the keycard into the door. 

“That  _ is _ true,” He laughed, “They are pretty stingy with budgets.” Hotch opened the door, and you walked in and went straight for the bed. 

Dropping your bags, you practically flopped onto the mattress, letting out a dramatic sigh. You laid there with your eyes closed for a moment before looking up and seeing Hotch looking over at you with an amused smile on his face. 

“What,” you laughed, furrowing your brows at his glance. 

He shook his head, laughing, “Nothing, you’re just cute, that’s all.”

“ _ Cute, _ ” You raised an eyebrow at him, and he chuckled again. 

“Among  _ many _ other things,” Intriguing you, you sat up altogether now. 

“Do tell,” You smirked. Hotch shook his head, walking into the bathroom. You got up and followed, “I’m  _ waiting _ ,” You smiled at him as he turned on the shower. 

“You’re a bad influence,” Hotch mocked, “So right now, we’re going to leave it at cute.” 

You pouted your lip, wishing you could get some distraction from this stressful day. In the back of your mind, you still thought about Matt’s fiance, how she was living the life that ruined a part of you forever. 

Hotch began undressing and got into the shower; before shutting the curtain, he looked at you with a raised eyebrow, “You can join me, but you start getting handsy, and you’ll pay for it later.” 

You smirked as you began undressing, “Don’t give me any ideas, Hotchner,” then hopped into the shower with him. 

Hotch’s arms circled you as the water began flowing down over you both. One part of you wished it could wash away the pain of the day -- both physical and mental. Hotch leaned his head down and softly kissed your shoulder. 

“How are you feeling,” Hotch asked, turning you both, so the water hit the back of you more now. It had been such a long day; you had forgotten that you had a concussion. 

You looked up to him, “Tired,”  _ emotionally, physically, mentally, and all of the above.  _

“I know,” Hotch said, “We’ll be home soon.” 

_ Home _ . That was another thing, was it your home? It was where you were residing, yes. It was Hotch and Jack’s house you were staying at, not your home. Or at least you didn’t feel like you had the right to call it that yet. 

Feeling as this day had been enough of rampant drama and emotions, you figured you would bite the bullet and just say something, “Home?” 

Hotch frowned, “Yeah, you know the place where there is a bed and a kitchen, and sometimes obnoxious cartoons on the television?” 

You shot him an annoyed look, “You seriously don’t understand what I am referring to?”

Hotch shook his head, “Honey, you’re going to need to be a little more specific.” 

“Aaron, you were gone for six months, I leased my apartment, moved back home,  _ practically  _ moved to Italy for you to come back, and I have been staying with you as if nothing happened.” 

His brows knitted deeper, “I figured it was obvious that I wanted you to move in,” Hotch said, “I’m sorry if I wasn’t more clear,” he gave an apologetic look, “Look, we have a lot to work out, and in the short amount of time since we have been back and attempted to return to normalcy, we haven’t been able to talk much about--”

“Any of it,” You laughed, starting to feel cold from the shower. It was a pretty pointless shower, but relaxing enough. You hopped out, and Hotch followed.

Wrapping a towel around yourself, Hotch said, “We haven’t been able to talk about any of it.” Hotch tied his towel around his waist, “And I know how you are. I know talking about it is--”

“Aaron, it’s gotten a lot easier with you,” You said softly, interrupting him. You wanted to make sure he knew that although you were still your emotionally timid self, you did flourish slightly in that department. 

Hotch smiled, “And you don’t have to move in,” He shook his head, “Honestly, I wouldn’t be offended if you wanted your space; I just  _ suggest _ finding a safer apartment.” 

You laughed, “No, dummy,” You started walking back into the hotel room, “I want to move in with you, even though I’m kinda already there.” 

Hotch followed you and kissed you softly on the lips, your hands wrapped around his neck, slightly pulling on his wet strands of hair. 

“ _ Y/N, _ ” Hotch warned, so you pulled back, “Good girl.” 

You glared at him at his choice of words that made you want to drop to your knees right then and there, but you weren’t sure if it was the ibuprofen wearing off or the rest of the day hitting you, your head pounded. You knew your pain sensitivity was heightened in the back of your mind due to your health, but pain like this never ceased to take you back a little. 

“Are you okay,” Hotch asked, and you frowned, considering you didn’t make any movements or facial expressions for him to  _ know _ you were in pain. 

“Why?”

Hotch’s eyebrows drew inward, “You’re in pain, aren’t you,” he said; you remained silent, “Y/N, I’ve known you long enough to know when you are. I knew long before I left with Jack too.”

Confusion flashed over your face, you pride yourself in your ways of hiding even your worst days. Sure, being hit over the head by an unsub, adding your ex into that mix for sure creates more tension in the everyday pain cycle, “How?”

“Well, first off, our job,” Hotch joked, reaching into his go-bag for his pajamas, “And second off, I think I know you better than you think I do.” You chuckled then, slipping on your pajama shorts, “And lastly, I know that even your best days you deal with this and hard days like this make it all the worse.” 

Pulling your shirt over your head, you froze when it was on, looking at him dead in the eyes. The words he said were probably nothing to him, but you? To hear just  _ how _ much he understood the misunderstood, you felt speechless. 

“What,” Hotch asked, zipping his bag shut as you stood there still in awe of his words. 

“N-Nobody’s,” You swallowed, shaking your head, “Nobody’s ever said that to me before, not like that anyway,” You shrugged, feeling your eyes well, “It just m-means a lot to me that you understand.”

Hotch gave you a gentle smile before walking over to you and wrapping you back in his arms. Kissing the top of your head, you inhaled against his chest. Sure there were moments where you knew Hotch was someone you couldn’t live without, but the love you felt love for others in the past or what you initially thought of love? Those were nothing compared to this. 

“I love you,” You said against him, “I love you with every piece of me,” Hotch pulled you back so he could look at you, “I need you to know that, Aaron, no matter  _ how _ scared I get of losing you. I swear you are too good for me.” 

Hotch had to laugh at that line, “Oh, Y/N,” He shook his head with the laugh, “I knew you were too good for me the moment I met you.” You looked up to him and smiled from ear to ear; it was a genuine grin with love displayed. “How about we get to bed?”

“That sounds good,” You hummed before you let go of him. Walking to your side of the bed, the one farthest from the door, of course, you slid under the blankets. Hotch followed behind you, checking the lock on the door one last time before pulling back the sheets and getting under them. 

He shut the lamp off on the nightstand before pulling you close to his chest. You couldn’t help but let out a content sigh as you felt so relaxed and calm in his arms. You felt Hotch’s breathing steady as you continued to think. 

You had never felt like this in Matt’s arms. There was honestly a pit of fear, always wondering if he would wake up or act like a different person the next minute. Matt saw your illness as your biggest weakness, telling you that you wouldn’t amount to anything because it held you back. 

You barely slept a wink that night; all you could think about was Matt’s fiancee, Madison. How she made the call for help to get away from him, and yet he’s who she left beside. 

When four in the morning rolled around, you carefully slid out from under Hotch’s arms, being sure not to wake him. You toed over to your work bag and slid out the files, finding the short section of information that Derek and Emily took of Madison. 

You snuck into the bathroom with your go-bag and quickly changed into leggings and a black t-shirt. You tied on your sneakers and pulled your hair back -- something you never do. 

Looking in the mirror, you took a deep breath. The reflection of the woman looking back at you was someone far different from the one who stood beside Matt. You could only hope Madison would get out before it was too late. 

Taking the address, keys, and your cell phone, you exited the hotel room quietly. You decided on it being best to leave your gun back along with a small note for Hotch.

_ I have to go take care of something.  _

_ Be back soon.  _

_ <3 Y/N xx _

Driving down the familiar streets of Los Angeles, you almost felt taller. You were a better person for all of the pain you endured, but also confident. 

Matt  _ couldn’t _ hurt you anymore and the power that gave you? Infinite. If the man were to put his hands on you again, he would be putting his hands on a federal agent and also? You were a trained FBI agent and a good one. You have been able to take down unsubs with just your two hands before. All of those self-defense classes were going to come in handy. 

Parallel parking to the best of your abilities, you took a deep breath before getting out of the car. You looked at the time, and it read five in the morning now.

It took no time for you to make it up to the apartment they lived in. Given it was only 5 AM, you felt even more pleased knowing Matt was  _ not _ a morning person. The upper hands just kept coming. 

After three harsh knocks, you heard shuffling around on the inside along with mumbled words and obnoxious scoffing. 

Swinging the door open, there was a puffy looking Matt --his drinking and drug habit not changing. You almost laughed at the site. The annoyed look displayed all over his face was something you wished you could have taken a picture and framed. 

“Miss me, Matt?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: AH! Another cliffhanger….dun dun dunnnnn!! I think the next chapter is one you all are really going to enjoy and I promise I will get back to some good smut and stuff after, but this is for sure the one storyline I have had planned in my head I wanted to do for so, so, so long! 
> 
> Also! I just wanted to thank my friend, Alycia (Baubadass on Wattpad) for all of her help on this chapter! I would probably still be trying to decide directions to go in if it wasn’t for her!! So thank you!! <3 Also, if you guys have not, you HAVE to check out her story on here, “Sergeant at Arms Length,” it is sooo good! One of my favorite Hotch stories and for sure my favorite HotchxOC story!
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed it, please let me know what you all thought. I love hearing from you guys as always! Until next time!


	40. Chapter Forty: I hope you find your peace, falling on your knees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! This chapter is B I G! Like HUGE for the story. So I hope it is as important to you to the story as it is for me! I also hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> TW: Violence, Abuse TW, Mentions of rape, past abuse, gaslighting, etc. 

_ Swinging the door open, there was a puffy looking Matt --his drinking and drug habit not changing. You almost laughed at the site. The annoyed look displayed all over his face was something you wished you could have taken a picture and framed.  _

_ “Miss me, Matt?”  _

“Y/N,” Matt frowned, “What are you doing here?” 

No emotions were displayed over your face, “You know why I’m here, Matt,” You scoffed, “Can I come in?” 

“N-”

“Let her in, Matt,” A voice came from behind him; he snapped his head around so fast before moving aside and reluctantly allowing you to step inside. 

“What do you want,” Matt said, closing the door behind you. Entering the small apartment, it looked so similar to where the two of you lived -- small enough to feel trapped. Walking in the kitchen was right in front of your view as well as the small living room.

Your eyes did not meet his, only the bruised ones looking ahead of you. The woman in front of you was one who stood small; she was timid and frail-looking. She looked like she hadn’t eaten a good meal in months, much like you had looked in the midst of it all. 

When you are in an abusive relationship with a master manipulator, you stay. You stay because they make you believe you are crazy for wanting to leave. You stay because they threaten you if you’re going to leave. You stay because that little ounce of “love” you receive after his hands hurt your body seems worth it. It can only be excused for being worth it for so long, though. 

“Madison,” You continued to ignore Matt, “You don’t have to put up with this any longer.” She remained silent and withdrawn in front of you, although you saw a flash of thought cross her face. “He will not put his hands on you ever again if you come with me; I work with the FBI team you met with the other day,” You nodded, “You don’t have to put up with this  _ anymore. _ ”

“I don’t know who the hell you are or  _ what _ you’re talking about,” Matt scoffed, “You sound delusional,” he rolled his eyes, stepping in between you and Madison, “I see nothing’s changed.” 

“I see you’re still playing the victim card,” You said, your tone neutral, “Those tears in the interrogation room,  _ boo hoo _ .”

“Years later, still trying to make something small into something into some dramatic ordeal, Y/N,” His tone beyond annoyed, “I think it’s pretty sick that you’re ignoring what happened to her for that  _ criminal _ you allow on the streets.  _ Clearly, _ you made the wrong career choice, just like I told you years ago.” 

“I’m sorry,” You let out a sarcastic laugh, “Last time I checked, the man who was out there hurting these women was 170 pounds and 6’2,” You shook your head, continuing to mock him, “Last time I checked? Well, actually, it seems the beer had given you a  _ bit _ of a bigger beer belly than when we were together,” You scoffed another laugh, “And you barely are 5’7.”

“If you are insinuating that  _ I _ did this to her? You’ve got a screw fucking loose, sweetheart,” Matt’s voice now hissing at you. 

You looked over his shoulder to Madison, “He gave you that black eye,” You gestured to your eye, “Didn’t he? And your jaw? Those are fingerprint marks,  _ aren’t  _ they?” 

“I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” Matt started, but your eyes didn’t leave Madison’s as you watched her bottom lip tremble. 

“And I bet he did other things you didn’t want to, huh,” You nodded. “I know because I lived that for years. I lived with this  _ monster _ for  _ years. _ ” 

Matt took a step forward, “Why don’t you shut your fat mouth,” he cursed under his breath. Your expression didn’t shift; your gaze turned to him. You could see your lack of reaction was aggravating him even more.

“Matt’s going to go away for a  _ long _ time,” You said, talking to Madison but  _ looking _ right into Matt’s eyes. Your eyes narrowed as you watched him squirm under your words, “He’s going to go where  _ low life’s  _ like he is, deserves.”

Matt stepped even further into your space now, his finger pointing so close to your face you could touch it if you moved any closer, “You better shut your mouth,” He repeated.

“I don’t have to, Matt,” You laughed at his disadvantage, “It’s O-V-E-R,  _ over _ .” 

That’s when what you expected to happen... _ happened. _ Matt’s hand swung across and slapped you right across the face. Instead of reacting as you used to, crying and begging him to stop, you stated, laughing. You couldn’t help but think female unsubs hit better than him. 

Matt clearly was annoyed by the laughing coming from your lips, so he launched forward at you. Instantly, your knee went up and kneed him as hard as you could in the groin, eliciting a groan from his lips. 

You put both of your fists up, ready for what was about to come at you. Matt stood up straight from where he bent over in pain. The smile still appeared on your lips. He quickly thrust forward again, but before he could hit you, you slid out from where you stood, and he hit the door behind you.

“Is that all you know how to do, Matt,” You asked, “I really never realized how bad you were at actual physical fighting until I was paying attention. Is that what it does for you? You feel strong when we’re weak and not expecting it?”

Matt’s jaw clenched, and his lips narrowed, “What do you think because they let you into the FBI that you’re hot shit now,” He scoffed, “You’re not. You’re the crazy one who came here at 5 in the morning.”

“Oh, I’m anything  _ but _ crazy,” You laughed, “You’re the crazy one, Matt. You’re the one that thinks  _ any of this _ is okay.” You gestured to you and Madison, who stood back with fear in her eyes. “What made you feel more like a man? The time where you made me bleed till I passed out? When you had sex with me when I didn’t want it? Or was it the verbal stuff?”

Matt’s face grew red, and you could see he was visibly shaking with anger. His fists clenched at his sides as he watched you, breathing heavily. 

“This is the same guy who told me there was a reason he didn’t want to fuck me yet did it without my permission the same day,” You said, “This is the guy who told me he’d rather fuck my best friend instead of me.” 

“That’s because it was true,” Matt laughed through his anger, “It all was true. It still is true.”

“Ha,” You said, “It’s funny because me two, three years ago would have believed you in a  _ heartbeat _ . But now? I know and see just how pathetic you are.” 

Matt walked towards you, seething in rage. His face was met with your fist that socked him right in the nose. He cursed out loud, and you remained where you were, fists ready to defend yourself.

“You would tell me to skip meals,” You shook your head, “I was seventeen years old; of course, I believed you when you said I needed to. Of course, I took it to heart when you told me to look in the mirror and see how  _ ugly _ I was.” 

“You are,” Matt held his nose as it dripped with blood, “And that personality of yours is the ugliest part.” 

You scoffed another laugh, “Honestly, Matt, that is  _ so  _ old; you used to say my personality was the biggest turn-off. You used to punish me for being  _ me _ .” You said, “But newsflash, Matt? I found  _ me _ . And she doesn’t put up with your shit anymore. She doesn’t sit there  _ defenseless _ as you put your hands on her,” You shifted in your stance, knowing the next thing you were about to say would piss him off royally, And she  _ sure as hell _ doesn’t listen to the nonsense that comes out of that stupid mouth of yours.”

He came at you again quickly this time, wrapping both of his hands around your throat. You laughed under his grip; you definitely looked psycho, but compared to him? Anyone looked normal. 

You brought your elbow down, breaking his grip quickly around your throat before you could even lose your breath. You kicked him swiftly in the chest then, bringing your leg up. He fell, crashing into the kitchen island’s chairs. 

Madison gasped loudly; Matt yelled from the floor, “Get the fuck out of here, Madison,” she stood there frozen, eyes shifting between you and Matt. He began to get up and launch himself at her now. 

Instinctively, you went after him, grabbing him from behind and slamming him into the nearest wall. Madison yelled, moving away from his grasp. He tried headbutting you, with you behind him, but you moved again fast enough. 

“You see, Matt,” You said, “You’re really not that much of a man at all,” You mockingly shrugged, “I think the only way you do is when you feel higher than others.”

“You’re a fucking bitch,” He turned from the wall, walking towards you again, he swung his fist at you, and you dodged it by a mile. 

“Did you know it takes twice as much energy to swing and miss than it does to actually  _ hit _ someone, Matt?” 

“I’ll have you out cold on the floor if I have to shut your stupid mouth up,” Matt threatened before Madison interrupted.

“Matt, she’s a  _ federal  _ agent!”

“Shut the fuck up, _ Madison _ , and get the fuck out before I make you,” Matt hissed at his fiance before trying to swing at you again. You squatted, avoiding the hit also, moving out of his way. 

You walked into the kitchen area, trying not to corner yourself but giving you enough room to slam him against a marble countertop if you needed to. 

“You’ve always been crazy,” He breathed, “You’ve always been full of it. Constantly needing to know if you were good enough, you aren’t,” He walked towards you as if he was going to hit you again. You dodged him once more at the last second, so his ribs hit the countertop  _ hard. _

  
  


You gave Madison a look, both of you understanding what needed to be done if things got bad. You saw her walk to the corner of the room to a bag. In a split second, you took your eyes off of Matt; he had reached into the drawer and pulled out a knife. 

He walked towards you, “You walked into  _ my  _ home. You know the cop at the station there? The one that asked you your name? He’s good at covering things up. Good guy,” Matt breathed heavily, walking closer towards you with the knife in his hand, “Nobody’s going to believe any of it, Y/N,” He waved the knife, “You’re crazy, you’re dramatic, and even a blind could see that.” 

“Says the one walking towards me with a knife,” You laughed, trying not to show panic in your voice, “You couldn’t handle being slapped around a little bit? Huh?” 

“I don’t care what happens, this is ov-”

Before he could come towards you, “Yes,” Madison said into her cell phone, “You gave me your card yesterday, Agent Morgan. He has a knife pointed at your team member, Y/N.” 

“You fucking bit-”

Matt turned, you took the opportunity to tackle him to the ground. In the process, he slammed his head cold against the floor. He was out as you laid on top of him, trying to make sure he wouldn’t move. 

“Madison, grab the knife,” You demanded as she had the phone to her ears. 

She took the knife on the floor from him and put it up on the counter with shaky hands. You got up and kicked Matt’s body lightly with your foot. He was still alive, but he’d be awake and more violent than before when he did. 

“Here,” Madison passed you the phone; you let out a deep breath, trying to catch your breath at the same time. 

“Y/N?” 

“Derek,” You breathed heavily into the phone, “He’s out cold but not for long; I need you guys to get here.”

“Local PD is on their way,” Derek said, “We won’t be far behind, okay?” 

“Oka-”

The apartment door opened, “Put your hands where I can see them,” The officer you recognized from yesterday said. You shook your head, putting your hands up. 

The other officers rushed over to Matt on the floor and a very disheveled Madison across from you. Your hands in the air quickly felt two hands grip them tightly. 

“What the fu-”

“Y/N Y/L/N, you’re under arrest for breaking and entering and assault and battery,” The smug young officer said; of course, it was one of Matt’s friends.  _ Of course.  _ You didn’t even bother fighting him because you knew Hotch and the team would be there within no time. Plus, Madison witnessed it all. If that whole scene was not proof enough of the issues Matt had, then you didn’t know what would. 

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Hotch woke to the sound of his phone ringing; without even opening his eyes, he brought it to his ear, “Hotchner.” 

“Hotch,” Derek answered, “I don’t know what happened, but Y/N went to help her crazy Ex’s fiance, and the guy went full-on crazy-”

“What,” Hotch raised his voice, looking now at the empty bed, “Is she okay?” 

“I talked with her; she seemed fine,” Derek said, “Just adamant that we got there soon.” 

Hotch was already out of bed, and half-dressed with the phone pressed to his ear, “Alright, let’s go.” 

Arriving on the scene, Derek was worried Hotch wouldn’t even put the car in park; he was rushing there so fast. Hotch flew out of the driver’s seat, walking to the officers there. 

Before he could get there, he saw Matt in the back of an ambulance’s lip, “I’ll deal with you in a second,” Hotch pointed his finger at Matt, his voice like poison leaving his lips. Hotch was almost glad there was another law enforcement scene because he was worried he would have done to Matt what he had done to Foyet. 

“Officer,” Hotch interrupted, “Where is Agent Y/L/N?” 

“Officer Lowell’s got some inkling she’s got something to do with all of this,” The older officer laughed, “He’s full of conspiracies.”

“I asked where she is,” Hotch demanded, not wanting to fool around anymore with this unprofessional group of officers. 

The older officer pointed over to the police car parked against the curb. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Hotch sighed, exhaling as he walked over to the police car. 

  
Officer Lowell got out of the car as quickly as he got in, “Agent, we have her in custody.”

“I don’t care what you think,” Hotch said, “Open the door before I open it for you.” 

Officer Lowell looked taken aback by Hotch’s force, unlocking the door; he opened it, showing you sitting there in the back of the cop car, handcuffs on. 

“Why don’t you go over to your supervisor before I bring you over there, okay,” Hotch said to the officer; Officer Lowell nodded before walking away. 

“Hey there,” You said sheepishly, knowing you were probably in deep from leaving without saying anything. Nevermind risking your life to help out a total stranger...but that was all part of the job, wasn’t it? 

“Here,” Hotch said, gently grabbing your arm and helping you out of the car, keeping your balance. 

He reached for his handcuff key and undid the tight cuffs from your already sore wrists;  _ you don’t realize how many hand muscles you use punching a hard face!  _ You exhaled as the metal left your wrists, “Aaron, I just need to ex-”

“Your hands,” Hotch said, ignoring what you were going to say. Taking them into his hands as you moved them in front of you. They were black and blue from the amount of impact against Matt’s face. 

“You should see the other guy,” You laughed, trying to make light of the situation. Hotch’s eyes didn’t leave your hands. His thumb softly caressed the tender skin. 

“You’re okay,” Hotch asked and looked up and looked into your eyes; you frowned. You were not expecting that to come from him. You expected the  _ why _ first or the lesson and complaints. But this? No. 

“Y-Yeah,” You swallowed, nodding, “I’m better than okay.” 

Hotch had so much to say but couldn’t right now in front of this crowd, he just nodded and let go of your hands, “Okay, we’ll talk more later,” he started walking towards the team, you followed. “Emily, can you take her back to the hotel? Make sure she gets some ice for her hands.” 

Emily agreed to Hotch before looking at you with a small smile. You walked over to her. She wrapped her arm around your shoulder, and the two of you walked arm in arm towards the car. 

  
The feeling you felt was indescribable. You knew you would never regain the part of you that you lost with Matt, but it was like you gained a new piece of yourself today. A part of you that told all of your doubts they were wrong. 

The car ride back to the hotel was quiet until Emily said Derek had told her on the way here. She couldn’t help but throw words at you like ‘badass’ and ‘proud’ in every sentence she shared. 

At the hotel, she got you squared away with ice packs for your knuckles. With your health, you knew you would be paying for the physical exertion later, but for now, the high you were on was the best medicine. 

You convinced Emily you were  _ more  _ than okay, and she could follow up with the team. It was hard enough one man down; they didn’t need two. After the door closed behind her, you stood and walked to the bathroom. 

Standing in front of the mirror, you leaned against the counter and took in what you saw in front of you. There was a part of you who wished you could go back and tell seventeen and eighteen years old you that it would be okay. All of the pain and hurt  _ would _ subside. Everything  _ does _ happen for a reason. And the most significant thing of all was love  _ did _ exist. 

As if the universe heard your thoughts, you listened to the hotel door open, “Y/N,” Hotch called. You peeked out of the bathroom, meeting his gaze. “There you are.” 

You let out a relieved sigh, walking towards where he stood in front of the bed, “Aaron, I am so  _ sorry _ ,” you said, “but I needed to-”

“I know you did,” Hotch nodded, “I know you did,” He repeated, walking towards you. There was a softness in his face you were not expecting. Again, you expected scolding, anger, and possibly a fight, but this? Hotch displayed... _ pride _ ? 

He walked closer and wrapped his arms around you tightly; you snaked your arms around him as well. Letting out a content sigh, you couldn’t help but find solace in his touch.

“Y/N,” Hotch said after a moment, getting your attention. You pulled back, looking at him, “I know as you boss, I should be angry and sharing some sort of lesson, but right now? All I can think of is how proud I am of you.” 

You furrowed your brows at his words, “You’re proud of me?”

“Yes,” Hotch laughed, “I am beyond proud. You did a good thing, Y/N,” He said with confidence, “Madison pressed charges and will witness to you as well,” He said. Your eyes grew big, “He is going to be charged for what he did to her, what he did for you, inserting himself into a federal investigation, and assaulting a federal agent.”

  
  


You felt speechless,  _ the ultimate karma _ , you thought. You couldn’t believe it; the pain and suffering you handled all of these years from him were finally being held accountable. 

You let out a shaky breath, feeling the tears begin to fall freely now. Hotch gently hushed you, bringing you closer to his chest. You allowed yourself to cry for a moment against him—the waves of shaking sobs leaving your body. The relief you felt was so immense that you felt like you could breathe for the first time since you were a young teenager. 

Hotch continued to calm you and reassure you through your tears. It didn’t last very long before you looked up to him with teary eyes and started laughing uncontrollably. 

“What,” Hotch said, letting go of you, not following what was so funny. 

“He’s...he’s going to jail,” You burst out laughing even louder, “Ha! I can’t believe it. I  _ can’t  _ believe it.”

Hotch started laughing then; your laughter was contagious. The two of you bounced laughter off of the four walls of the hotel room before you became out of breath, falling back onto the bed. 

You heard Hotch walk back over to the mini-fridge in the room, taking out another ice pack Emily had left for you in there, walking around to you, “Here, put this on your hand,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed next to you. You hissed as you felt the coldness hit your bruised knuckles, “Sorry,” Hotch apologized. 

“You know,” You said, “I thought about this day so often, the day where I would finally be able to stand up for myself.  _ Prove  _ myself,” You sat up, holding the ice pack to your hand, “He made me believe for so long all of these horrible, horrible things and...today I proved them all wrong.” 

“I’d say so,” Hotch smiled at you. The appearance of pride still lingering in his expression. 

“It was kind of funny that his friend at the police station took me out in cuffs,” You scoffed a laugh, “I’m assuming you already took care of that,” Hotch nodded, “Good,” you hummed, “Because you’re the only one I want putting me in handcuffs.” 

Hotch raised an eyebrow at you, “Normally, I would be aggravated by a comment by that, but there is just  _ something _ about you kicking the crap out of someone who deserved it that I find... _ so _ sexy.”

“Do you,” You gave him a suggestive look, which resulted in a deep, rumbling laugh from Hotch. 

“You have  _ no  _ idea.” 

  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: AH! Okay, what did you all think? This chapter is the chapter I had planned out before chapter one. Not any of the details, but the general idea of Y/N beating Matt up. I thought it was so awesome, you all wanted Y/N to beat Matt up too! 
> 
> Now, I have about one short story line left for the story, so I am curious what you guys want to come from/after that. I could for sure continue on in this universe of Hotch and Y/N, but I also have another story idea.
> 
> The thought of leaving this universe is devastating to me, but I am also excited to share my next story with you guys. So I would LOVE feedback. If you WANT this story to continue, what would you like to see next? 


	41. Chapter Forty-One: Got the music in you, baby, tell me why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better late than never! Here is a follow up to that intense chapter!! 
> 
> TW: Smut, edging; mentions of rape, abuse, and violence
> 
> Enjoy!!

_ “Because you’re the only one I want putting me in handcuffs.”  _

_ Hotch raised an eyebrow at you, “Normally, I would be aggravated by a comment by that, but there is just something about you kicking the crap out of someone who deserved it that I find...so sexy.” _

_ “Do you,” You gave him a suggestive look, which resulted in a deep, rumbling laugh from Hotch.  _

_ “You have no idea.”  _

Hotch began nipping at your neck, which withdrew a small moan from your lips. From the moment he put his lips on you, your mind went blank from all that had happened today. You leaned your head back, giving him more access to your neck. 

You felt Hotch’s breath change, and he quickly, moving back from you. You looked to him with furrowed brows, “What?” 

“What happened here,” Hotch touched a spot on your neck that felt tender against his fingers, you didn’t realize it, but within the fight with Matt, you must have gotten hit harder than you realized. 

Your hand reached up to the bruise on your neck, “He must have hit me harder than I thought he did,” You frowned further. Hotch’s jaw tightened, and you could see anger displayed on his face once more, “Hey, it’s over now, okay,” You said, “Look at me. It’s over and quite frankly the last thing I can think about right now.” 

Hotch’s expression softened, “Are you sure you’re okay,” he asked, “Your concussion and now your hands are all bruised--”

“ _ Aaron _ ,” Your voice sterned, “I need you to fuck me. Right now,” You demanded, “After the last few days I have had, I  _ really  _ need it.” 

You saw the corners of his lips turn upwards as he let out a forfeiting sigh; giving up on the protective persona he was going for, he reached for his tie and started loosening it. 

“Get undressed,” Hotch demanded, “Then sit on the bed.” 

You couldn’t help but show him an eager smile, feeling the need for him building up inside of you more and more. You lifted the t-shirt you had on over your head before shimmying out of your pants, leaving in your bra and panties. 

“Everything,” Hotch said, throwing his tie onto the couch, then reaching for the buttons on his shirt. You followed, your eyes not leaving his as your arms went behind you, unclasping your bra.

Reaching for the waistband of your panties, you hooked your thumb under it, and  _ teasingly _ slow you slid them down your legs from where you laid in the bed. Reaching your feet, you kicked the small lace fabric into Hotch’s direction. Given the look on his face, you assumed he liked that.

Hotch reached for his belt, undoing it, allowing it to hit the floor with a loud noise from the clasp. You sat up straighter, wishing he would speed things up. 

“Are you gonna be a good girl,” Hotch asked as he started walking closer. You met him at the edge of the bed, kneeling to meet his height from the mattress. 

“Yes, sir,” You said, looking at him through your lashes. You nibbled on your bottom lip as you placed your hands against his chest, snaking them under his open dress shirt, pulling it off of him. 

“What do you want,” Hotch asked under his breath, his hands moving your hair from your shoulder so he could kiss it. His lips began making their way up the length of your neck, and you let out a breathly moan. 

“I want you to tie me up,” You breathed heavily, feeling the air taken from your lungs more and more with each kiss, “With your tie, sir.” 

Hotch let out a content sigh, nodding against your skin. His lips made it towards your ear, and he began nibbling on your earlobe before finding the sweet spot and sucking. 

“Aaron,” You moaned. Your hands moved down between the two of you and reached for the button of his pants. Unbuttoning them, you heard them fall to the floor. Your hand made its way under his boxers and ran your hand up the base of his cock.

His teeth sunk slightly into your neck, you let out a surprised gasp at the pain and pleasure of it. You began moving your hand up and down his cock slowly before bringing your hand up to your mouth. You spit then brought it down to his cock again. Hotch’s lips left your neck, and his head rolled back. 

Hotch gripped your wrist tightly, forcing you to stop. You looked in his eyes and licked your lips. He sent you an almost annoyed look in reaction to your seductive one. 

“Lay back,” Hotch said, nodding towards the head of the bed. You scooted back, laying flat down on it. You watched as Hotch grabbed the tie he had thrown earlier and returned to the bed with it. 

“If this hurts at all, let me know, and I’ll stop,” Hotch said, hovering over you on the bed; you nodded. “Put your hands above your head,” You did, and his hands took the tie and wrapped it around them, “Good girl.” 

You closed your thighs together tightly at the praise. The tie tightened around your wrist; you swallowed as you watched Hotch make his way to the end of the bed. Feeling him grab you by your ankles, he pulled you towards the edge of the bed. 

You couldn’t help but shriek at him pulling you. Your hips were flush with the edge of the bed. Feeling hazy as he moved his knee between your closed legs, parting them for him to stand between them. 

Hotch bent down and placed a kiss right below your abdomen before tracing his way down to your thighs. Teasingly, he placed kisses throughout your inner thighs, missing right where you wanted him. You couldn’t help but buck your hips at the need and desire for more. 

Hotch quickly held your hips down, “Greedy,” He hummed against your skin before moving his lips closer and closer to your center. He slid a finger through your folds, you moaned at the sensation, “So wet already,” Hotch said in a low tone. 

Softly, he circled your clit in a languid motion to continue to rile you up. You let out a groan of protest, “Aaron,  _ please _ .” 

He chuckled, “Trust me, okay?” 

You sighed, “Of course,” You said before you could even finish; Hotch swiftly slid a finger inside of you. You gasped at the movement, not expecting it. He began moving with a steady rhythm inside of you. As you began arching your back, feeling the pleasure blossom within you, Hotch added a second finger, then a third. 

It didn’t take long for you to begin cursing his name under your breath. As quickly as Hotch’s fingers entered you, he removed them, leaving you frustrated beyond measures. 

“W-What,” You protested, “Why?”

“Patience,” Hotch laughed; you couldn’t help but send him an aggravated look. You let out an irritated sigh, wiggling as you laid there, but just as your heart rate began to settle, you felt Hotch’s mouth attach to your clit, receiving another audible gasp from you. 

As he began lapping you at an even pace, you felt two of his fingers return. As he was curling them up at your g-spot, not yielding his mouth’s momentum, you were on the verge of orgasm once more. 

“ _ Please _ ,” You begged, “D-Don’t stop.”

As if he wanted you to scream in frustration, Hotch’s mouth and fingers left you once more. Practically sobbing now, needing to come, you threw your head back in disappointment,

“What the f-”

“If you want to come tonight, you need to cooperate,” Hotch said, “If not, we can just go to bed now.”

You let out a sigh, “Fine,” you complied. 

Hotch stood and walked around the bed, taking your wrists back in his hands again. Carefully, trying not to touch your bruised hands, he undid the tie around them. 

“You can move them, but you’re not allowed to touch yourself or come until I say, okay,” Hotch said; you nodded. Throwing the tie back onto the couch, “Move back.” Hotch slid his boxers down then, and you couldn’t help but feel a slight flip in your stomach as your eyes laid sight on him, given how overly aroused you were. 

You scooted yourself back and sat up as Hotch leaned down now, his lips meeting yours. You wrapped your arms around his neck, combing through his hair and slightly tugging. A soft moan left your mouth as his tongue entered your mouth. The two of you kissed in a passionate but unhurried manner. Pulling Hotch more towards you, the two of you laid down, not breaking the kiss. 

Bringing one hand down between the two of you, you grabbed his cock again and began stroking him. It didn’t take long before Hotch’s hand found your wrist and lifted it over your head. 

“I thought I was nice taking the tie off,” Hotch said, breaking the kiss, “I’ll grab it again if I need to.” 

You bit your bottom lip, and desperation filled your eyes. You could tell Hotch was enjoying teasing you and listening to you beg. 

You felt Hotch grab your hip and settle himself between your thighs, hiking on leg up. Just when you thought he was about to stop at his waist, he brought your leg up to his shoulder and hooked it over. 

You swallowed thickly at the angle, feeling him line himself up with your entrance. You let out a small whimper as he teased you with the tip, running it up and down your folds, focusing on your clit. 

Painfully slow, Hotch entered you. You threw your head back into the mattress as he was fully seated. With your leg on his shoulder in this newfound angle, you felt him deeper and differently than you had before. 

Building up a pace, Hotch began thrusting in and out of you. Your hips met him thrust for thrust, bucking against him, “Fuck,” You said, feeling the knot begin to tighten inside of you, “God,” You breathed, “Please don’t s-stop.” 

And as if it was the theme of the night, he stopped and exited you completely. Your eyes grew wide in irritation; you watched as Hotch moved to the head of the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Aaron.”

Hotch couldn’t help but give you a smirk, “You said you trusted me, right.” 

“I’m starting to rethink that statement,” You huffed, pouting at him now. 

“Don’t make me have you regret those words, baby,” Hotch said before patting next to him, “Come on.” You crawled to the head of the bed, sitting in front of him. “I want you on top,” Hotch said, gripping your hip, pulling you closer. 

You straddled his thighs, hovering over his cock; he lined himself up with your core with one hand, the other forcefully pushing you down onto him. 

“God, A-Aaron,” You moaned, “Please let me come,  _ please _ .” 

Both of his hands were on your hips now; although you were on top, he was fully guiding your hips’ motion. You felt excitement at the thought of the bruises that would be left on your hips, given the pressure he had against them. 

You leaned down, your chest now flushed against his, and buried your face into his neck. You moaned against his skin, feeling the familiar buildup once more, “I’m gonna-”

Hotch didn’t relent and continued his pace of moving your hips, “Look at me,” He said, and with what little strength you had left, you lifted yourself, hovering over him, held up by your hands. “Good girl,” He said, breathing heavily, “I want to see you when you come.” 

And that was enough to send you over the edge of one of the most intense orgasms you had ever had. If it was possible to blackout from an orgasm, you did. The blossoming feeling encompassed every nerve and fiber of your body. You mine as well have collapsed against Hotch’s chest. 

Trying to catch your breathing with the world black around you, you didn’t even realize Hotch had finished with you. It was moments, minutes possibly until you were coherent. You felt Hotch’s fingers lazily drawing lines up and down the planes of your back. 

You hummed, slowly blinking your eyes open, looking up at him. 

“You glad you trusted me,” Hotch smiled softly, looking down at you on his chest. You hummed again in agreement, “Good,” He leaned down and kissed your temple. 

You felt exhaustion creeping over you but were not quite ready to sleep after the high of your day and the post-amazing orgasmic bliss. After much convincing, you both cleaned up and made it back into bed. Despite your long day with Matt, there was still a killer on the loose separate from this situation; tomorrow would be a new day. 

“Do you want to talk about it,” You asked, turning on your side under the blankets to face him. Hotch turned to meet you, frowning. Your question something out of character for you. Usually, these were things you didn’t like to bring up, nevermind talk about. 

“I think maybe I should be asking you that question, Y/N,” He smiled, “Are you going to be okay?” 

There was something tender about the way Hotch asked you the last sentence. Out of everything that had happened today, you expected a lecture, not acceptance, and understanding. 

“Yeah,” You sighed, “I think so,” You nodded, “I don’t think today will make up for all of those years of pain I endured, but I do think it gave me some sort of closure if that makes sense.” 

“It does,” Hotch smiled softly, “I want to be honest with you.”

_ Here comes the lecture. _

“Yeah,” You asked hesitantly, waiting for what was to come next. 

“After Emily took you back here to the hotel,” Hotch paused, “I followed Matt to the hospital.”

You frowned, not expecting that whatsoever, “What?”

Hotch paused, “I wanted to make sure everything was squared away with, especially given the local police can’t be trusted,” Hotch said, referring to Officer Lowell, who was a good friend of Matt’s. The officer who stuck you in the back of that cop car. 

  
  
  


_ “Hotch,” Rossi called after him, not getting his attention as he walked towards the government-issued SUV, “Aaron,” Rossi raised his voice.  _

_ Hotch turned to Rossi, “I’ll be back. Go back to the station; I’ll meet up with you guys at some point.”  _

_ Hotch got into the SUV and shut the door behind him before driving off, following the ambulance that had taken off not even minutes before. Hotch played the cards he had, reaching for the vehicle’s sirens and lights, he began to tail the ambulance.  _

_ Being the scum he was, Matt used every excuse on why he needed to go to the hospital. Hotch was not having it. He was at peace knowing you got almost a form of revenge, but you could defend yourself from the detrimental situation.  _

_ Flashing his badge at every entrance and front desk in the hospital, Hotch finally found a nurse to bring him to Matt’s room.  _

_ “Right this way, Agent,” The nurse said, “He’s obviously restrained and under supervision, but I can give you all of the privacy you need to complete the investigation.”  _

_ There was no further investigation; Hotch just could not let this man live another day without giving him a piece of his mind -- the nurse did not need to know that, though. _

_ “Right in here,” The nurse pointed to the room; Hotch nodded to the officer, showing him his badge. Both the officer watching the room and the nurse moved aside so he could enter.  _

_ Hotch opened the door, ignoring Matt’s gaze as he sat up straighter in the gurney.  _

_ “Can I help you,” Matt asked, trying to get Hotch’s attention. Hotch continued to avoid him as he slowly shut the door. For good measure, Hotch decided locking it would be even better.  _

_ “I’m SSA Hotchner with the Behavioral Analysis Unit,” Hotch began, Matt’s face looked annoyed, “Not only am I Agent Y/N’s boss, but I am also her husband,” Matt frowned instantly.  _

_ “Good luck with th-” _

_ “Don’t even  _ finish _ that statement,” Hotch threatened, “Not only did you assault a federal agent, commit assault and battery, domestic abuse, and probably countless other petty acts that you will be charged for,” Hotch said, his voice lowering as he walked closer to Matt, completely invading his space as he looked down on him. _

_ “Lucky for you, I know some pretty good people on the inside,” Matt said in a cocky tone, “All I will need is a good lawyer.”  _

_ “You’re going to need more than that,” Hotch warned, his eyes narrowing, “But what you are going to do is keep your mouth shut and listen,” Hotch’s voice was beyond stern at this point, “Understand?” _

_ “Yeah, sure,” Matt brushed off, rolling his eyes at Hotch.  _

_ Hotch made sure to get even more in the man’s space, crowding him, so he was sure to listen. _

_ “I am going to make sure your life is a living hell,” Hotch promised, “The one person you know on the inside could be your cellmate, but I know bigger people on the inside. People who will allow me to have my choice on which prison, which judge, and more than that.” _

_ Matt frowned, listening to Hotch’s threats, but had no time to respond before Hotch continued.  _

_ “A lot of those men in prison don’t take well to men who beat women, never mind rape,” Hotch said, “Oh right, you’re also getting charged with multiple counts on that, too.” _

_ Matt scoffed, “You may be able to think you can string Madison along to court, but Y/N’s got nothing on me.” _

_ “Do you want to bet,” Hotch asked, “Because I have several witnesses, nevermind as her husband, I can pull pretty much any string I want to?”  _

_ Matt just shook his head, not wanting to listen to any of this anymore, “I think I have had enough of this….Agent.”  _

_ “No,” Hotch said. “You’re going to listen to me until I tell you this is over,” He raised his voice, “Because now you’re going to listen to me as the person’s husband who you broke a part of.”  _

_ “C’mon, please-” _

_ “Shut up,” Hotch snapped, “Not only were you not man enough to deal with your issues, but you also inflicted them on people who you manipulated to trust you,” He began, “You got off on them being defenseless. You are a coward who convinced them they were crazy when it was all you and your sick need to be in control.”  _

_ Matt shook his head, looking visibly aggravated now, “Man, I have had enough of this. I am handcuffed to a hospital bed; I don’t need this right now.”  _

_ “You’re going to listen until I tell you I am done,” Hotch said, pausing as he stared down Matt for a moment, Matt visibly annoyed by his presence, “I bet you liked knowing that you broke a part of Y/N after all of those years, hm?”  _

_ Matt’s jaw tightened as he shifted in the hospital bed. Hotch continued to stand closely, like a predator stalking its prey, tearing him down word by word.  _

_ “But what is even worse,” Hotch said, “It probably bothers you that she succeeded. She did everything you told her she couldn’t do and more,” He continued, “But despite it all? She is still kind, caring, and selfless even though she deals with awful people like you every day.”  _

_ “I have had enough,” Matt said under his breath, “I will call security.”  _

_ “Try it,” Hotch said, “Because I can make it look like you came after me quicker than you could hit that call button.” Hotch laughed, “I bet you don’t want to know how long the minimum time is for assaulting not one but two federal agents.” _

_ Matt’s lips thinned into a straight line, “You don’t want to mess with me today.”  _

_ “You should have thought of that before you put your hands on her the first time, the next times, and the last time,” Hotch got into Matt’s face now, threatening, “And by the looks of the bruises and cuts, she hits a hell of a lot harder than you do.” Hotch moved back, smirking at Matt, “I don’t know what happened to you in life to make you think putting your hands on anyone like that was okay, but I do know what is coming for you. I know you deserve it more than half of the people we put in there.”  _

_ Hotch’s eyes didn’t leave Matt’s as he rounded back around the bed to the door. He unlocked it, “You’re going where you belong,” Hotch said, then opened the door and walked out.  _

  
  
  
  
  


You couldn’t help but feel warmth fill you as you heard Hotch’s efforts to give Matt one final taste of his own medicine. Your emotions began to consume you as your eyes slightly welled with tears. 

You moved closer to Hotch and practically wrapped yourself around him like a koala. Hotch laughed softly, feeling you wrap yourself around him so dramatically. 

“Thank you,” You said into his shoulder, where you buried your face, “You have... _ no  _ idea.” 

Hotch rubbed your back, “I know I will never understand what you went through, Y/N,” He started, before kissing the side of your head, “But I am beginning to understand, and I hope you can come to me when you need to. I know this is something that just goes away.” 

You pulled back and looked at Hotch with teary eyes, “I know, I really do.” You gave him an emotional smile.

“You are the strongest person I know, Y/N,” Hotch sighed, pulling you against him again. He inhaled, you tucked against him. 

You hugged him tightly, sighing in content, “You gave me something to be strong for.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: AH! Soooooo what’d you think? 
> 
> I just wanted to thank my friends Alycia (baubadass), Morgan (emilyhotchwhore), and Gabriella (hotchsdirtycumslut) for all of their help in this story. They all have fantastic stories; I truly believe you guys will love! Thank you, besties :) I love you guys and stinky!! 
> 
> Also...still have no idea whether to wrap this story up soon or not. So thoughts on that too! Haha. 


	42. Chapter Forty-Two: Under the water, you scream so loud, but the silence surrounds you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, lovelies! Another chapter!! This one...well...you’ll see! I have this last “big” plotline, then the happy ending stuff, I promise! 
> 
> TW: typical canon violence

The rest of the case went along really smoothly. Despite the events leading up to it, the unsub and case itself, aside from Matt, was relatively easy compared to most. The team made their way back to Virginia, not without Hotch asking what felt like every hour if you were okay.

You were concussed with some bruised knuckles; you were pretty sure you were going to be alright! Mentally though? You couldn’t help but feel a bit of weight lifted. It was almost like you finally confronted the part of your life you had been suppressing for years. 

As a group, you walked into the BAU’s bullpen chatting about nothing important. You couldn’t wait to get home...yes, home. Because now you could officially call it that, as strange as it still felt. It would take some getting used to, but it would be well worth it. 

“Agent Hotchner,” You heard Strauss’s voice as you all walked through the glass doors, “I need to speak with you immediately.” 

_ Oh great, what could this be, _ you thought. 

Hotch nodded, not even putting his go-bag or files down. You watched him follow Strauss with a concerned look on your face; Derek must have noticed the look on your face cause he squeezed your shoulder before saying, “It’s probably nothing,” he said, “You know Strauss, she’s always on his ass.”

“Yeah,” You nodded, walking towards your desk, “You’re probably right.”    
  


At your desk, you placed your bags on top before slumping into the chair. To your surprise, the team had not cleared your desk off during your leave of absence. It was still left the way you left it; the only difference is the little sticky notes Penelope had gone all over with little notes that said things like, “ _ We miss you _ .” 

You started working on your case report to pass the anxious time waiting, but you ended up doing more thinking than anything. Some of the team filtered out and headed home, but considering Hotch was your ride and you both were going to the same place, you had to wait. 

Being taken out of your thoughts, you heard Hotch’s voice, “Y/N,” his voice was stern, and he looked aggravated. You stood, “Strauss wants us in her office,” Hotch said, you walked towards him. 

“What’s wrong,” You asked, concerned, and Hotch put his hand on the small of your back and started walking you down the hall, “What is it? You’re starting to scare me.” 

Hotch sighed, stopping slightly before her office, “I was hoping I could do something about this,” He began, “And I’m sorry I couldn’t.” 

You frowned, “What do you me-” 

“Agents,” Strauss walked out of her office with her hands on her hips. You both parted and walked straight towards her. 

Hotch allowed you to walk in after Strauss first, closing the door behind you. You sat in the familiar seat you sat in when you informed Strauss of your relationships not even a week ago. 

“Agent Y/L/N, Agent Hotchner, and I need to speak to you about your actions during the case you just returned from,” Strauss began, sitting down in her desk chair, crossing her hands in front of her. 

“My actions,” You repeated, looking to her and then to Hotch, who had a very strained look on his face. 

“Agent Hotchner,” Strauss said, nodding towards him, “Would you like to continue as the Unit Chief?”

Hotch frowned at Strauss before showing you a look you had never seen on him before with you. Sure, the few times you had seen your teammates  _ royally _ mess up, he would get this way. But with you? Never.

“Your actions during this week’s case were unacceptable,” Hotch began, your face grew more and more surprised, “I understand there was a personal connection to this case, and as your boss, I should have taken you off of the case, so I apologize.” 

You continued to frown before Strauss jumped in, “That’s beside the point, Agent Hotchner, Agent Y/N should have had a well enough grasp on the gravity of her relationship with the individual involved,” You looked back to her, feeling incredibly small and attacked, “The things you do on your personal time are none of my business but on the Bureau’s time at the BAU, leaving like that not only jeopardizes the case but it is against everything the BAU stands for.” 

“Ma’am, with all due respect, I was not interrupting our time finding the unsub, which we successfully caught,” You said. “I apologize if you felt that I put the case at any risk, but we put another criminal behind bars by me going.” 

“Agent Y/L/N,” Hotch interrupted, the name sounded foreign on his lips, “You are suspended until further notice.” Your eyes widened before you could even say anything; he turned to Strauss, ‘I will have the paperwork to you by tomorrow, ma’am.” 

He turned and exited the room then, leaving you there speechless. Your jaw was practically on the floor, and you felt the sting of tears in your eyes. You felt so betrayed and hurt all at once. 

“Agent, if you could just sign here,” Strauss said, “Agreeing to the conditions of your suspension and stating you understand why the action is necessary.” 

You swallowed thickly, taking the pen from her hand and signing the paper. You bit your inner cheek, putting the pen down, “Is that all, ma’am,” your voice was short with the woman, but you already were suspended; who knew if you would have a job there anymore. What did you have to lose?

“Yes, we will be in touch with you, Agent,” Strauss said; you nodded before quickly walking outside of her door. 

You couldn’t even make it that far down the hall before you felt Hotch’s hand on your forearm, ‘“Y/N,” he pleaded, his voice a far different tone from the one you just heard. 

You pulled your arm off his grip, “ _ Not now _ , Aaron,” you hissed at him, walking away down the hall. You were not sure where you would end up, but you needed to not be there. 

Walking out of Quantico, you made your way towards the benches outside. Considering it was late hours, there was nobody there, so judge the tears streaming down your face aside from possibly Penelope, who could see the security cameras if she wanted. 

You felt so betrayed. You knew that your relationship with Hotch and him being your boss would be messy at times, but this? You never would have imagined this. The tears flowed freely down your cheeks, you groaned with frustration, reaching to the ground for a rock. You threw it towards an empty spot in the parking lot with all your might. 

It wouldn’t hurt as much if it wasn’t  _ Matt _ . He seemed to have taken so much from your life already; this just felt like another thing he stole right from under you. 

You let out a shaky breath; it all felt so surreal. Taking a deep breath in and out before wiping your cheeks. You stood before taking in another breath of courage, then walked back inside. 

Most of Quantico was reasonably quiet, sure it never slept, the FBI never stopped, but most of the staff had left. You chose to take the stairs, to delay your time facing reality, up to the bullpen. 

The rest of the team had left, thankfully, so no prying questions. You saw a dim light in Hotch’s office, knowing he was in there. Dragging your feet, you made your way up to his office. 

You knocked softly before opening the door; Hotch’s eyes jumped up, “Oh, Y/N,” His voice gentle and pleasant seeing you. 

“I really don’t have anything to say to you right now,” You said emotionless, “I just would like to get home and go to bed. My head is starting to hurt from the concussion, and I personally just can’t take it here anymore.” You turned your gaze from him and looked out the window to the dark night. 

Hotch tilted his head, his face saddened, “Y/N, I did everything I could.” 

“Yeah,” You brushed him off, your arms crossed, “Can we go?”

“No,” You looked back to him, “I think we should talk about it here before going home to Jack and involving him,” he said, “Jess is at the house with him; I told her we would be home tonight.” 

“Aaron, I have  _ nothing  _ to say to you,” You shook your head, “Do you understand how much of a slap in the face that was?” 

“I know.”

“I had to do what I did, not only for me but for Madison and any other woman he encounters in life,” You said, “I don’t think you understand the relief I felt leaving him like that, finally getting closure and peace. But now? I am hurt.” 

“I know,” Hotch sighed, running his hand through his hair, “I know,  _ trust _ me, I do.” 

“Then why,” Your voice cracked, “I just-” 

The tear dropped, and you didn’t have time to catch it before more started falling again. Hotch stood and walked over to you, wrapping you in his arms. You probably would have pushed him away, you were so upset with him, but right now, it felt like the past days’ events caught up to you mentally.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N,” Hotch said, calming you down as he caressed your back, “If I could change it, I would, but you know Strauss. She’s very formal about protocol and wasn’t budging.” 

“How long,” You sniffled, looking up to him.

“A week at  _ most _ ,” Hotch said; you sighed, leaning into his touch now. Rationality cascading over you, knowing Hotch would never do this out of spite, you understood the difficult position you put him in. 

“Okay,” You pulled away, nodding, “Can we go home now? I really need to sleep.” 

Hotch smiled, “Yeah, let’s go,” He walked over and grabbed his things as you walked down to your desk and took all of your stuff, including some extras. If a week home alone, you would need some work to keep you busy. 

Hotch locked his office before walking down to your desk, “You ready,” he asked, and you nodded, “Let’s get home.” 

Walking out of the building, your legs felt so heavy. You couldn’t wait to even just sit down on the car ride home. Physically your body started to ache from the stress of the day; you needed a nice hot shower and a bed. 

Hotch reached for his keys in his pocket as you both walked into the parking lot. He unlocked and started it from afar as you walked towards it, you couldn’t help but think how far away it felt. 

The next moments flashed so quickly, you blinked, and your world stopped. A loud bang echoed in your ears. 

_ A gunshot _ ,

You heard a loud thud next; opening your eyes, you looked down and saw Hotch down on the ground. 

“Aaron!”

You looked around, and nobody was to be seen. You couldn’t even think like an FBI agent then as you knelt down beside his body. His perfectly white button-up began seeping with red all across his chest. You put your hands over the bullet wound, applying as much pressure as you could. 

Hotch’s face was squinted in pain as he groaned at it on the ground, “Aaron,  _ Aaron,”  _ You tried getting his attention, “Open your eyes.” 

Hotch opened his eyes wide and locked them with you, “W-What happened,” Hotch said before blood started leaking from the side of his lip next. Your heart sank; you felt your whole body shaking in shock. You knew if he was bleeding from his mouth, it wasn’t good; he most likely had pierced a lung or his heart. 

“I-I don’t know,” You said, “I need you to stay awake for me, though, okay?” 

Hotch’s eyes fluttered in and out; you kept continuous pressure on his wound. You had hoped, being this was the FBI, someone would be out to help soon, but you didn’t want to let a hand up to grab your phone in your back pocket. 

“Stay with me,” you begged as his eyes continued to close in and out, “Please, I can’t lose you,” You whimpered, tears coming back into your eyes. 

“You’re n-not,” Hotch breathed heavily, “I’ll be f-fine, but Y/N?”

“Y-Yes?”

“My safe,” He said shakily, “The passcode is Jack’s birthday.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: DUN DUN DUN. What’s in the safe? What’s going to happen to Hotch? You’ll have to see!!
> 
> I cannot promise it will be out tomorrow or the next day as I have a pretty big paper to write for one of my courses, but I will try my hardest!!
> 
> I just wanted to thank my friends Alycia (baubadass), Morgan (emilyhotchwhore), and Gabriella (hotchsdirtycumslut) for all of their help in this story. They all have fantastic stories; I truly believe you guys will love them! Thank you, besties :) I love you guys and stinky!! 
> 
> Let me know what you think! <3


	43. Chapter Forty-Three: Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby, as long as you're with me, you'll be just fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!! I LOVE YOU ALL! SENDING YOU ALL VIRTUAL HUGS, KISSES, FLOWERS, AND CHOCOLATES!! XXX
> 
> Enjoy this chapter!!!

“Y/N!”

Your head shot up, and you saw Penelope running towards you as quickly as she could in her tiny pink high heels. You wanted to stand and meet her, but even the uncomfortable hospital chair was keeping you from crashing down right now. 

“I just got the call,” Penelope caught her breath as she made her way to you finally, “I called the others in,” She let out a deep breath, “There was an attack on Quantico; the whole system was breeched, it must have been them who shot Hotch.” 

You shook your head, looking down at your lap, “Yeah, I-I guess.”

“Honey, you don’t look so good,” Penelope took a seat next to you, “I don’t mean that in a bad way; I just think maybe we should get you cleaned up.” 

You zoned out as she was talking midway through her sentence; all you could think about was how life changed so quickly before your eyes. You couldn’t help but feel at fault; Hotch lost  _ so _ much blood when you moved your hand to grab your phone and call for help.

In your years with the FBI, your years living with health issues, and in between, you had never seen doctors attend to someone as quickly as they did Hotch when the two of you got here in the ambulance. 

“Y/N?” 

You looked back up towards her, “Yeah, sorry.” 

“Let’s go wash the blood off of your hands, okay,” Penelope asked, “Then we’ll be right back, okay?” 

You nodded, not entirely sure what you just agreed to, but stood and walked with Penelope to a bathroom. Penelope rambled, her usual encouraging sentiments, but you subconsciously toned out most of what she was saying as she washed the blood pool off your fingers down the drain. 

Walking out to the waiting room again, you felt as if you were dragging cement blocks at your ankles. The chatter in the waiting room of your team members’ familiar voices continued as you walked closer. Without thinking, a part of you thought you would look at the group and see the standing leader you loved so much, but that was not the case. 

“Y/N,” JJ said sympathetically as she walked closer to you and wrapped you in her arms, “What happened?”

You pulled back and looked at the team who crowded around you, “W-Were walking to the car and,” You paused, vividly remembering every moment- --  _ gunshot, blood, tears _ . “It all happened so quickly.” 

“Were you able to get any look at the gunman,” Derek asked, and your eyes trailed over to his. His eyes were filled with concern but urgency as an agent who most likely would return as acting chief for who  _ knew _ how long. 

“No,” You shook your head, “I really...I really was so caught off guard. I went into full panic mode.”

“Of course,” JJ reassured, “As any of us would.”

“Whoever it was, knew enough to be out of range of the security cameras,” Penelope said, “And slowing down the footage to as slow as I could get it,” She sighed, “It seems to come from a pretty long distance.” 

“Erin called me right away,” Rossi said, “None of us are allowed back to Quantico until he’s caught. He’s directly targeting the building.”

“Wait,” Reid interrupted, “Did any of you remember that retired agent who was killed last month?” 

“No,” You shook your head, “I was still in Italy then.”

“I do remember that,” Emily said, “It came by our desks, but nothing about it screamed anything BAU related.”

“I agreed at the time,” Rossi offered next, “But now everything is sounding too similar.”

“I agree,” Morgan added, “I saw after we get an update on Hotch, we find a home base and get started,” He said, “But Y/N, I think it’s important you stay back.” 

You scoffed, “I was suspended today anyways.” 

“What,” Emily asked, “You’re kidding.”

“Nope,” You let out a sad laugh, “Is what it is.” 

Rossi took out his phone immediately then, and you frowned at him, “Erin, we have a little bit of a problem here.”

“Rossi, what are you doing,” You asked, but he ignored you and continued to listen to Strauss on the other line. 

“Suspending Y/N is unacceptable,” Rossi said, “You need to get off your high horse for a moment and take a second to smell the roses.” 

Your eyes grew wide; Rossi seriously had no chill at times. It helped to know someone who acted like they owned the place. 

“Screw the paperwork, Erin,” Rossi said, raising his voice slightly, “You know it means nothing. Put your pride aside, and let’s just wipe our hands clean from this.”

The team continued to watch as Rossi spoke his mind to Strauss before watching him hang up the call with a pleased look on his face.   
  


“The suspension has been annulled,” Rossi smiled softly to you; you gave him your best smile at the moment as a sign of appreciation, “Now why don’t you go take a seat, kiddo. One of us will grab you some coffee and something to eat.” 

You smiled sadly and nodded, walking over to the seat you sat in before Penelope joined you. It almost felt like you were frozen in time as you watched the rest of the world move around you. The team moved in and out of the waiting room; JJ brought you coffee and some food. 

“Mrs. Hotchner?” 

You looked up, and a doctor was now standing at the head of the waiting room. You stood before you could even process her being there. 

“That’s me,”  _ I guess?  _ “I’m Aaron’s wife.” 

“The damage to your husband’s heart and lungs were very extensive,” The doctor began; your heart sank. This speech sounded similar to the one you gave victim’s families on the job. “Luckily, we were able to repair each tear, but not without a fight from him. He coded twice on the table,” Your jaw practically dropped with your face cascading in white, “But he made it.”

You let out an audible exhale, “Oh god,” You shook your head, “Good.” 

The doctor gave you a sad smile, “Unfortunately, due to the extensive damage, until he is further healed, we have him in an induced coma to help with the healing process.” 

“A coma,” You asked, repeating back, “How long?”

“Hard to know,” The doctor said, “It will be determined by how quickly he responds to the medication and the procedure.” 

You tried to consume the vital information the doctor was telling you, but all you could think about was needing to see Hotch alive. After hearing how extensive his injuries were and not knowing when he would be out of the coma, the only way you could process and ground yourself is by seeing him.

“When can I see him?”

“He is in post-op; they are monitoring his heart pretty closely and breathing, but if everything goes as planned, he will be moved to a more permanent room, and then someone will come to get you,” The doctor said, “But please know he will be in the intensive care unit, so the family is the only ones allowed.” 

“Okay,” You nodded, “Thank you, doctor.” 

“Someone will be out soon,” The doctor patted you on the arm before turning back to go behind the doors. 

Before you could even turn entirely to the team, they were bombarding you with questions. You felt very overwhelmed all at once, so you decided to start from the beginning, explaining what was happening. 

“That’s horrible,” JJ said; there was something about the way JJ said things that were always so motherly and reassuring, but not even her gentleness could help you right now, “When can you see him?” 

“I will probably be able to go back there soon,” You shrugged, “But it’s family only in the ICU.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you got wifed up,” Derek tried making light, but even that didn’t put a smile on your face. 

“Please don’t feel like you guys have to stay,” You said, “I am going to be okay, and I know Hotch would want you guys working the case.” 

“Okay, kid,” Derek patted you on the shoulder, “Be in touch, okay?” 

“I will,” You gave him a sad smile, “Thanks, guys.” 

You watched as the team left except Rossi, who stayed back with you. 

“Rossi, you really don’t have to stay.” 

“I will go when I know you’re okay,” He said, “Don’t think you can’t lie to profilers; I can see this is really bothering you.”

You frowned, “Of course it is bothering me; he was just  _ shot _ and almost died,” You argued, “He coded twice, Rossi.” 

“I know that, but you’re not telling me something,” He insisted; you rolled your eyes, “Kid, come on, I know you don’t like talking to us, and Aaron is the only one you ever opened up to, but you need to get it out. You need to be strong for him.” 

You let out a frustrated sigh, “I took my hands off his gunshot wound, and he started bleeding,” You shook your head, “It was so bad, Rossi.” 

“And you think it’s your fault he’s in this condition?”   
  


You gave him a look, knowing you felt dumb for feeling this way but couldn’t help it, “Yeah, I do.”

“You can’t do that,” Rossi said, “An unsub did this to him; he was a victim of opportunity, and you can’t beat yourself up over that, kid.” 

“I know.” 

Footsteps came from behind you, and Rossi nodded for you to turn, “Mrs. Hotchner?” 

Rossi gave you a slight smirk at the incorrect title, but you just brushed it off, “Yes?”

“Aaron’s in the ICU; I can take you to him,” the nurse said. 

“Keep me in the loop, kid,” Rossi said before smiling curtly at you and turned to leave.

  
  


The nurse smiled at you and turned for you to follow her down the hall. The walk to Hotch’s room was short, but you couldn’t help but feel a wave of emotions when you saw the sight that was lying in the hospital bed. 

Hotch had so many tubes and wires attached to him, it made your throat sink into your stomach. You think the nurse said something like, “I will leave you two be,” But you were so in awe of how  _ hurt _ and broken Hotch looked, you didn’t hear. 

You walked in and sat on the chair next to him, pulling it closer so you could be close enough to touch him. At that moment, you needed to sit down, or else your legs would have given out from under you. 

You took a deep breath before reaching on the bed for his hand. You never paid such close attention to his hands before, every line and freckle. Despite being in such a weakened state, his hand still felt strong as you held it -- the rough callouses from the physically demanding work you both did, years of memories etching into his skin. 

You didn’t realize you were crying until the fat drops of tears hit your hand as you leaned onto the bed. You sniffled, feeling the sobs take over you. Sure, there had been moments where you had danced with the line between life and death, but never Hotch with you. Not like this anyways. 

Sure, he was physically ripped from you for six months and put into witness protection, but that practically broke you. That was under the notion that you believed you most likely would see him again. Seeing him here with the tubes in and out of him, you couldn’t help but sob at the thought you might not ever hear him say your name anymore. 

You laid your head down on the side of the bed and continued to just cry. The sadness and fear were all-consuming, and it was almost as if it was the brutal reality that made you realize what had been in front of you this whole time. 

You had loved and been hurt before, so ultimately, you guarded every part of your heart. Letting Hotch in had been one of the most challenging things you had to overcome,  _ still _ were trying to overcome. The two of you had been through so much, but you pushed so much of it under the rug, despite Hotch’s feelings. Him being him, he respected you did not want to talk about some things. 

Hotch had left for six months, and you had yet to open up on the gravity of how that hit you. Part of you worried that if you shared just how  _ awful _ it was, he would somehow find you weak. Rationally, you knew he wouldn’t, but that was the gave of mind versus heart.

The two of you got married in another country and went back to life before he both left and you became legally bound to each other for what you both promised the rest of eternity. Not much was discussed about it nor shared. Hell, his own son didn’t even know that  _ technically _ he had a stepmom. 

And worst of all, the miscarriage. You were not ready to be a mother; the thought of that made you sick to your stomach. Somedays, you could barely pick yourself up off the floor, nevermind another human being whose life depended on it.

Hotch made it look so easy with Jack, although, if every person was promised a kid as easy going as Jack, some would change their mind about wanting children or not.

You just feared that you might not live up to all that Hotch was as a parent. Your parents’ mistakes put fear in you from the day you realized nothing about your childhood was typical.

“Excuse me, miss,” Your head jolted up, “Visiting hours are over for the ICU, but they start again tomorrow at 9 am.”   
  


You smiled at the nurse and stood, quickly collected yourself. You leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. The gravity of knowing you couldn’t live life without another person was heavy. 

The weight of it was heavy, but you would take the road that you usually wouldn’t before. The road where you may be viewed as weak for relying on another person was a far better road than the road without him. 

You walked out of the door of Hotch’s room, looking back one more time. All you could think of was you wanted this man you loved so much to wake up so you could tell him just how much he meant to you. 

He was the only one who knew and accepted you for  _ you _ . 

You shut the door behind you and began walking towards the exit. The same young nurse stuck her head out from behind a computer, “Miss!”

You turned, “Hm?” 

“Take this hallway to leave,” You frowned, “The newborn babies, they’re always making even the hardest days a little better.” 

You gave her an appreciative smile before taking the hallway, she suggested. This area of the hospital was far brighter and optimistic than the grim spot Hotch was lying in. 

You stopped in front of the glass window, looking into the nursery where babies were lying in their cribs—names displayed on the front of each bed along with height and weight. You couldn’t help but smile; these small infants knew nothing of the world you knew. The world that was cruel, unfair, and random. 

Somedays, you wished you had that outlook on life. How easy would it be if you didn’t worry about pain or have fear stop you? 

You sighed before walking out of the nursery area; you thought to yourself the idea of it all -- a life with Hotch, maybe another kid, or just Jack; either way, you  _ knew _ that would make you happy for the rest of your life. 

Walking out to the hospital’s lobby, you picked up your phone and began dialing Jessica’s number. You felt awful that you had not been in touch with her all night. Besides that, you also needed a ride home and figured Jack could probably use some normalcy in his own house. 

Before you could even tap the call button, your phone rang, and it was Emily’s number. You assumed it was asking for an update. You almost declined but decided against it. 

“Hello,” You said, clearing your hoarse throat from the crying. 

“Y/N,” Emily said, “Strauss is dead.” 

You frowned, confused at her statement, “What?” 

“The gunman who shot Hotch got into Quantico,” Emily said, “We aren’t sure if she was the primary motive or just a means to an end, but Garcia is working her tail off to avoid any more breaching in the computers.”

“That’s horrible,” You said, “I just can’t believe she’s gone.” 

“Yeah,” Emily said, “I never liked her as a boss, she was sneaky and unfair at times, but this still isn’t right. She has a family.”

“Oh god,” You realized, “Rossi.” 

“He’s taking it as best as expected,” Emily said, “He knew her kids, so he is with them right now.”

“So you’re three people down now.”

“We’re working well, so, please. You need to be with Hotch and your family.” 

_ Your _ family. You supposed she was right. Hotch was family, so was Jack, and ultimately Jessica as well. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Positive,” Emily reassured, “Derek would say the same thing.” 

“Alright,” You said, “I am so glad you guys made the decision not to go back to Quantico right now.” 

“Us too,” Emily said, “It is hitting too close to home.” 

“Stay safe, please,” You asked, “I will be in touch when there is something new on Aaron.” 

“Thanks, Y/N,” Emily said before hanging up. You shook your head, this day? Days? You were not even sure what day it was anymore. It just kept getting weirder and worse. 

It was time to really face the music and call Jessica now; luckily, she was used to not hearing from Hotch on hours on end when it came to working stuff. So she probably didn’t assume anything was wrong. 

“Jess, it’s me, Y/N,” You said into the phone. You were hoping she couldn’t hear the anxiety in your voice, but knowing Hotch for so long, she might have picked up on some profiling tips. 

“Y/N,” Jess said, “I was starting to worry; I haven’t heard from Aaron. Is everything alright?”

“Yes,” You said, “I mean no, but yes.” You couldn’t help but feel flustered. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Quantico was targeted by an unsub, and Aaron was shot-”

“Oh my god, is he okay?” 

“They repaired the damage, but he is in a coma until his body is fully healed,” You said, “There isn’t a timeline on that, though.”

“God,” Jess said, “Are you at the hospital right now?” 

“Yeah, visiting hours ended, but I just remembered Aaron’s car is still at Quantico,” You said.

“Jack and I will come to get you,” Jess said, “Jack’s been asking about you all day.” 

“Really,” You laughed, “I thought he could stay with me at the house, you need a break, and Jack needs some normalcy in his own house.” 

“That sounds nice,” Jess said. You gave her the details on which hospital and filled her in on the rest of Hotch’s situation. It wasn’t long before Jess had picked you up. You both chose to keep the information about Hotch minimal to Jack, given how young he was, and not worry him further.

Jack was more than distracted about having alone time with you, he could barely focus on the fact the Hotch was hurt, but sadly, you were sure that Jack was used to this. You had heard the stories from the past. 

After Jess had left, it was just Jack and you at the house. It seemed a lot emptier without Hotch in it. His presence filled the house more than you ever realized before. The two of you were on the couch watching some cartoon Jack liked. 

“Y/N?” 

“Yeah, honey,” You looked to Jack, who had a questioning look on his face. You turned your body on the couch to face him more.

“The other day, my dad said you both got married,”  _ um _ , “I thought when you got married, there was like a big party like they show on tv shows.”

You had no idea that Hotch had told Jack about you both getting married. Jack and Hotch had very little alone time between work and everything going on since getting back from Italy. He must have found the right time and was going to tell you eventually. Getting shot and put into a coma definitely delays that.

“Sometimes people have big parties, and sometimes people don’t want that,” You started, “Are you okay that your dad and I got married? We really wanted you to be there.” 

“Of course,” Jack said like it was apparent, “Dad said you’ll be living here, so that means you will have more time to color with me and finish our comic.” 

You laughed, “That’s true, buddy.” 

“He also said when the real wedding happens, I will be there,” Jack said; you gave him a smile, “He said when you guys told Uncle Dave, he would probably want one of his big parties in his big house!”

“You’re probably right,” You laughed, “So that’s okay with you?” 

“Of course,” Jack smiled, “I miss my mom, but you’re like kinda my mom now too!”

Your stomach flipped, “Um, yeah,” You said nervously, “I don’t ever want you to think I am replacing her though, Jack,” You said, “She will always be your mom and love you.”

“I know,” Jack smiled, “But you’re like a different type of mom.” 

You smiled, “Yeah, that’s a good way to put it,” You felt emotional, seeing Jack viewing you in this way. You looked at the time, and it was  _ late _ ; the day had been more than long. It felt more than long, actually, considering just at 5 pm today you were suspended and leaving work, then he was shot. “How about we get you into bed, buddy?” 

Jack walked you through the routine he and Hotch or Jess usually did with him at night. Jack was such an easy-going kid. You were grateful for that as you were dragging your feet towards the bedroom. 

After washing the day off of you and getting into one of Hotch’s t-shirts to sleep in, you laid in the big bed, suddenly feeling so alone. You felt the tears threatening once more, but then a thought came into your brain.

_ “Stay with me,” you begged as his eyes continued to close in and out, “Please, I can’t lose you,” You whimpered, tears coming back into your eyes.  _

_ “You’re n-not,” Hotch breathed heavily, “I’ll be f-fine, but Y/N?” _

_ “Y-Yes?” _

_ “My safe,” He said shakily, “The passcode is Jack’s birthday.”  _

  
  


His safe. 

You got out of the bed and toed over to the safe in his nightstand. You put the birthday in and opened the door. Inside was paperwork and usual things you would find a safe, but there was one thing staring right at you in the middle of it. 

All you could think of is how Hotch continued to amaze you,  _ even _ in a coma. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: ahhhhhhh! SO sorry for the late update! I really hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you thought!! 
> 
> <3 Love you guys!


	44. Chapter Forty-Four: Like a feather, bringing kingdoms to their knees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! I am back with another chapter!!! There are some time jumps within the chapter and a flashback in italics! 
> 
> Enjoy! 

_ “Wow, don’t get handsy there, husband,” You said as you sloppily laid in the bed at the apartment in Italy. The night had practically flown by, one moment, you and Hotch were sitting in a restaurant, and the next, you were drunkenly married. _

_ Hotch laughed, “Can you just lay down?”  _

_ “Don’t you want to consummate the marriage, husband,” You teased before laying back further in the bed but felt your eyes grow heavy, “When do we have to go to the jet?”  _

_ “In a half-hour,” Hotch said, yawning, “I need to pack the rest of your things.”  _

_ “Let me help,” You slurred but didn’t have the strength to get out of the bed.  _

_ Hotch was brewing coffee, trying to sober up from the alcohol-filled night. Thankfully, you had packed most of your things before Hotch had surprised you here, so it wasn’t much for Hotch to pack up. It didn’t take long before Hotch was sitting on the edge of the bed, telling you it was time to go. Hotch was grateful for the coffee, which made him sober enough to be coherent.  _

_ He practically dragged you to the cab; you were sleeping on his shoulder the whole ride. Halfway to the airport, Hotch asked the cab driver to stop at a store he eyed on his way to see you for the first time arriving in Italy.  _

_ You were in such a deep sleep; Hotch knew he could trust you with the cab driver for an extra ten minutes -- that, along with the fifty dollar bill he flashed her, kept you in good hands. Hotch slipped out of the cab and walked up to the store that he was grateful was still open given the late hour.  _

_ Inside the shop, there were glass cases lit up with shiny jewelry inside. Hotch was greeted quickly by an older woman who he assumed worked there. _

_ “Hi, can I help you,” The older woman said; she stood almost a foot and a half shorter than Hotch. She was what you would expect from an older Italian woman.  _

_ “How do you do,” Hotch said, “I am looking for an engagement and wedding ring,” He looked around, “Something unique.”  _

_ “Unique, hm,” The woman said, looking in the case next to her, “Diamonds? Or any other stone you have in mind?”  _

_ “Either, both, whatever you have, I’d like to see,” Hotch said, “She’s not picky with jewelry, but I want her to wear something that’s her.”  _

_ The woman hummed again, “Do you have a photo of her?”  _

_ Hotch frowned, confused by request at first, but trusted the older woman. Something about her just read years of experience in this business, given they were open past 9 pm, Hotch figured they were doing something right to allow business this late.  _

_ He pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed her the last picture taken on his phone -- a photo of the two of you sightseeing earlier today before the spontaneous post-dinner events.  _

_ “She’s beautiful,” The woman said; Hotch smiled, “I think I have the perfect ring.”  _

_ The woman walked over to another case, and Hotch followed. Immediately she pulled out a ring that looked like none Hotch had ever seen before. Hotch knew coming to find you here in Italy that the day would come soon, he would ask you to marry him. He never thought the two of you would do things backward, like getting married as a drunken decision. A decision neither of you regretted, but still.  _

_ The ring was sapphire with a gold band; surrounding the oval stone were tiny diamonds. Hotch couldn’t think of something better to place on your finger. So before returning to you in the cab to make your way back home, Hotch bought both the ring and matching wedding band right then and there.  _

_ ________________________________________________ _

  
  


You got out of the bed and toed over to the safe in his nightstand. You put the birthday in and opened the door. Inside was paperwork and usual things you would find a safe, but there was one thing staring right at you in the middle of it. 

All you could think of is how Hotch continued to amaze you,  _ even _ in a coma. 

Inside sat a tiny blue box; your heart jumped at the sight. With a shaky hand, you reached for it. The velvet box, engraved with gold lettering, “ _ Handmade in Florence, Italy,”  _ made you wonder when and how did Hotch get this. Your time together in Italy was short, nevermind the majority of it was spent making spontaneous decisions like marrying intoxicated. 

Opening the small box, your chest fluttered even more; you couldn’t help but let out a little gasp seeing the piece of art that was a ring inside. You had never seen anything like it before; it was so beautiful. 

You had never been the type of girl to give much thought to what kind of ring you would want someday. Especially after Matt, the idea of getting  _ that _ close to another person felt unattainable. In the back of your mind, you hoped you would find someone who knew you enough to make that decision, and Hotch was someone you felt knew you more than you knew yourself somedays. 

Taking the ring out of the box, you held it out in front of you. You knew what Hotch meant before he went unconscious; it was in his way a proposal of sorts -- you just didn’t know it at the time. 

Sliding the ring onto your finger, of course, it was a perfect fit. Did Hotch do anything that wasn’t right? 

_ ________________________________________________ _

A week had gone by, and it felt as if the days had begun to bleed into each other. You had taken a leave of absence from work again, given you and the team all felt Jack needed  _ some _ stability, nevermind the sheer fact that Hotch’s condition had not bettered or worsened in that time. He was stagnant. 

You tried not to seem defeated, knowing Hotch’s stubborn streak, but you wouldn’t lie if the back of your mind didn’t worry. 

Jack was almost a light in the darkness, though; he kept you grounded. He was a simple kid; you put a box of crayons or anything he could build with his two hands in front of him, and he was entertained for hours. 

_ ________________________________________________ _

  
  
  


You attended Strauss’s funeral with the rest of the team; Jessica had Jack for the day. It didn’t take long for them to poke and prod about the ring. 

“Hotch’s got game even in a coma,” Derek laughed, “My man.” 

Emily nodded, letting go of your left hand, “It all makes sense now,” she sighed, “All of the times I gave him crap for no ring, he would kick me under the round table,” you all laughed. 

_ ________________________________________________ _

  
  


Jack was in the other room watching television; you decided now was probably the best time to call your family and  _ gently _ break the news of what  _ actually _ went down in Italy weeks ago. 

“Y/N,” Your mom said over the phone with a relieved tone, “I haven’t heard from you in  _ days!” _

“Sorry, Mom,” You said, “It’s been kind of a crazy week,” You cleared your throat out of nervousness, “Aaron was shot.” 

Your mom gasped, “Oh god, is he alright?” 

“He’s...uh, in a coma until he heals,” You said, “But they’re optimistic for a full recovery.”

“Good,” Your mom let out a relieved sigh, “But how are you, honey?”

“We got married in Italy,” You blurted out without even thinking. It felt like poison on your tongue that you needed to spit out, but the relief you hoped you would find did not show up like you thought it would come clean.

Your mom laughed at first, thinking it was a joke, “What?” 

“Aaron and I got married in Italy,” You took a deep breath, “We eloped.” 

Your mom just continued to laugh; you held your breath waiting for the lecture or guilt trip on how your dad never got to walk you down the aisle she wasn’t there. 

“Well, I knew the day would come sooner or later,” She sighed, and you let out a deep breath, “I always knew you were not the type to want a big wedding or flashy attention; I am actually surprised you didn’t say Vegas or something tacky,” she laughed again, “Italy sounds pretty romantic.”

“It was,” You let out a small laugh yourself, “It required some liquid courage, but I don’t regret a second of it.” 

“I’m happy for you, honestly,” Your mom said, “When you’re home again, we will celebrate.” 

You and your mom chatted for longer than you usually would; you told her all about Jack and how much the two of you bonded -- how he reminded you of yourself at his age.

_ ________________________________________________ _

  
  


There was something about your time alone that gave you clarity. Not to be mistaken with the fact you would never  _ ever _ wish for this to happen or ever again, but it was a wake-up call for sure. 

Your heart had been closed off for so long; it was like it had built up scar tissue, not allowing it to beat comprehensively for Hotch. You kept yourself so guarded. You knew Hotch wouldn’t hurt you the way you feared you would be hurt, but the fear of love itself was too daring to want even to admit. 

But now? Between the issue with Matt being solved and realizing that every day is honestly a gift. You could be shot tomorrow and not be able to share with Hotch how you truly felt all of this time. He knew you loved him, but the extent of it? He would never fully grasp until you told him. 

You sat in the familiar chair next to his bed as you did every day for hours on end while Jack was at school or with Jess. Nobody else was allowed to come back to the ICU except you; you spent as much time there as possible. 

Sometimes you would talk to him, you weren’t sure if he could hear you or not, but telling yourself, he could make you feel better. You would hold his hand and say to him about Jack and your days. You admitted you didn’t miss work because it wouldn’t be the same with him anyways -- you were ashamed to admit your dependency on him, but partially it was his fault, you told him. 

You were always sad when the usual nurse would knock on the door, giving you a five-minute warning. On the more challenging days, she would sneak you out later, but today was not one of those days. Louanne, the nurse, is the same one who told you about the remedy to a sad day -- the nursery unit in the hospital. 

Packing up your things, you kissed Hotch on the forehead before walking out of the door. You had a whole routine here now, a habit you had hoped you would break very soon, but time would tell. 

Standing in front of the glass window looking into the brand new babies, in the time you had been here, you were surprised at how quickly the little things filtered in and out of here. 

They were cute, really. Besides your nephew and Jack, kids made you nervous for the most part. That was another thing you would have to talk with Hotch with whenever he decided to stop being so slow at recovering -- the miscarriage. 

You were grateful you had the option after with your doctor to change your birth control to something more effective, but still, it was always a curiosity in the back of your mind. Did he want that? Did  _ you _ ? 

“Mrs. Hotchner?” 

You were taken out of your thoughts and turned to see a doctor standing behind you; you were a bit startled, so you again ignored the incorrect title. 

“Yes, I’m Aaron Hotchner’s wife. Is he okay?” 

“Yes,” The doctor perked, “We began to ween him off of the medicine that had put him in the medically induced coma to help with the healing process, and he woke up quicker than we could have ever expected,” She smiled, “Nurse Louanne said I might find you here.” 

“Oh my god, he’s awake?” 

You felt total shock fill you; you were just thinking how you felt like this day was taking too long to come. 

“Yes, he is,” The doctor said, “And he’s already asking for you.” 

“C-Can I see him?” 

“Of course,” The doctor nodded, “He was moved out of intensive care and brought to a regular room; let me show you to him.” 

The doctor walked you down a separate hallway towards the hospital’s regular inpatient section; you felt filled with excitement and nervousness all at once. 

“He’s right through there,” the doctor said, gesturing through the door, she walked away, and you took one last deep breath before turning the door handle. 

Inside, Hotch was sitting up on the hospital bed; aside from the bags under his eyes, he looked a hundred percent like...well, Hotch.

Seeing him up and awake took your breath away; it was what you had been hoping and wishing for this for what felt like years. He gave you a half-lipped smile as you slowly walked in. His eyes lit up, seeing you. 

“Hi,” Hotch said, his voice rasp from the tubes that were previously down them; he sat up a little bit more in bed but then winced in pain. 

“Be careful,” You said, walking closer to him, but stood at a distance away from the bed as if you touched him, he would disappear.

“Come here,” Hotch said softly, gesturing towards the bed; you toed closer, and he patted on the bed beside his legs. 

“You’re alive,” You let out a shaky breath, and he smiled, “I will kill you if you do that to me again.” He laughed, then winced from the pain in his chest again, “Careful there, you don’t need to bust a stitch.” 

“So, I’ve been out how long,” Hotch frowned, “Eight days?”

“Nine,” You corrected, “But who’s counting,” you said sarcastically. 

He smiled, “Miss me?”

“Of course I did, you big idiot,” You gave him a smirk, “You gave the doctor’s a run for their money here; you’re getting more and more stubborn in your old age.” 

“Hey,” He said back, “I’ve been awake for not even thirty minutes, and you’re already cracking jokes about my age?” 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think of ones to use,” You chuckled, “I had a lot to think in general.”

Hotch gave you a sympathetic smile and then put out his hand to take yours. His eyes went straight for the piece of jewelry that you were now donning. 

“So you listened to me?”

“Mhm,” You said, “It’s...it’s beautiful.”

“I got it when we were--”

“In Italy.” 

“How’d you know?” 

“The box,” You chuckled, “But when did you get it?”

“When you were half asleep in the back of the cab to the jet,” he shot you a half-smile, “But you like it?” 

“I love it,” You said quickly, then looked down to the ring, “I absolutely love it.” 

“Good,” Hotch said, and his eyes stay trained on you for a moment, “Take it off.” 

Your brows furrowed, “What?” 

“Take the ring off.” 

Frowning, you slid the ring off of your finger, already missing its presence. Handing it to him, confused, he took it in his hands. It wasn’t until you saw the expression on his face shift that you realized what he was doing. 

“Y/N,” Hotch breathed, “We tend to do things a little backward,” you both laughed softly, “But this is something I thought about doing long before that impulsive night,” he started, his eyes entirely focusing on yours, “You’re everything to me, Y/N. All this time, I have known it’s you.”

Your eyes began to well with tears, the familiar sting you had felt in them the past week, now in your eyes for various reasons. It wasn’t from sadness; it was pure happiness. 

“You are the strongest person I know--” 

“As you say, sitting in a hospital bed,” You chuckled through the tears forming. 

He laughed, “I’d be down on one knee right now if I could.” 

“You wouldn’t.” 

“I can pull the IV out if you really want that?”

“No,” You protested, “Don’t.” 

“Okay,” He smiled, “After Haley, I was afraid I would never be able to find someone who understood me. Understood Jack. But I see the way you are with him; I couldn’t ask for anything more.” 

“What can I say? You have a really great kid,” You smiled softly, a tear now beginning to fall. Hotch’s thumb met the tear halfway, wiping it off your cheek. 

“I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t ask this,” Hotch said, “Y/N, will you marry me?” 

You bit your inner cheek fighting off tears; you would have been fine without the ring, without the speech and the question, just him. He was enough. 

“Yes,” You nodded, another tear falling, he wiped it again, “A thousand times yes.” 

“Good,” He smiled; you then leaned in and kissed him on his lips. The kiss was by far the most gentle kiss the two of you had exchanged. It was like a whisper between the two of your lips. “Give me your hand,” He said, pulling away. 

Putting your left hand back out, he slid the ring carefully back up your ring finger before bringing your hand to his lips and kissing it. 

“I’m just saying,” Hotch said with humor in his voice, “I wouldn’t know what I would do if you said no,” your eyes grew wide, and he laughed, “Divorce is expensive, besides I don’t think Strauss would take to it lightly.” 

“Uh, yeah...about that.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: soooooo, what did you guys think?! Let me know!!
> 
> Thank you to my stinky GC for listening to me with this book all night because I am allergic to affection! 


	45. Chapter Forty-Five: But I promise you this, I'll always look out for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I hate to break this to you, but this is the last 4k words of “I Promise You This,” unfortunately, the bittersweet moment of the story coming to an end has arrived. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this well-deserved chapter. I love you all more than you will ever know! 
> 
> TW: Smut, Mentions of Miscarriage, and tooth-rotting fluff.

About a month had gone by, and Hotch was finally home. He was still on medical leave from work but had insisted you go back, which at this point, knowing his wellbeing was in check, you didn’t mind -- you missed your friends and work. 

Jack, being Jack, teased Hotch relentlessly when he got home from the hospital. At first, Hotch found it quite funny, but then you could tell his ego was getting quite bruised by the fourth or fifth “Dad, Y/N is more fun” jokes. 

Hotch was on a strict ‘no physical activity’ request from his doctor, which meant no sex for you two. It was honestly such a tease having him home, in bed, at your will. Even one night, it got so bad that Hotch thought it was almost comical how pent up you were even one night. 

“You’re like a teenage boy, Y/N,” Hotch said, getting into bed beside you. You let out an audible sigh and laid dramatically across the bed; you glared at his comment, “Really, you are.” 

“And you’re an old man who takes so long to heal,” You snapped back; his face went from amusement to frustration quickly. 

“You know what,” Hotch tisked, “I was going to  _ reward _ you for how patient you’ve been tonight, but I think I will wait,” He said, reaching over to the bedside table lamp, shutting it off. 

Your jaw fell open in annoyance, “What!”

“Let’s just say I don’t hear you making old jokes when you finally  _ do _ get what you want,” Hotch said, turning on his side to sleep. You just rolled your eyes, “I know you’re rolling your eyes right now; better just cross off another day of no reward.”

And it went on like that for two more weeks. After finally another follow-up appointment, Hotch would be cleared for “physical activities” by the end of the week but could return to work as long as he stayed clear from the field. 

You were happy to be in some sort of routine again, yet you were counting down the days until Hotch was fully cleared, but it seemed the team had other plans for the end of the week. 

“Rossi, what are you talking about,” You frowned at him; what he offered went entirely over your head -- well, not  _ offered _ , told you. 

“We never got to celebrate your marriage,” Rossi said, “And given the new ring you are wearing, I have a feeling it will last.” 

“You would know,” You teased, poking fun at his  _ several  _ marriages and divorces, “But, I don’t know,” You looked up to Hotch, trying to see where his stance was on the subject, “Aaron?” 

Hotch shrugged, “I don’t know, it might be nice,” He gave you a small smile, “Plus, I kind of promised Jack he would be involved in some way.” 

“Wonderful,” Rossi exclaimed, “Saturday night at my place. I’ll arrange the girls to take you out to buy something... _ white _ .” 

You scoffed a laugh, “Do you really think I’m a white wedding dress type of girl, Rossi?” 

“Whichever,” He gestured in the air, “Wear the Gucci tie, Aaron,” He pointed to Hotch before walking away. 

“You  _ know _ I hate attention,” You gave Hotch a begging look. 

“You really think attention is something I enjoy,” He laughed, “Besides, I think it might make it feel...more real, don’t you think?” 

You let out a sarcastic gasp, “You’re telling me our intoxicated marriage, and your post-coma proposal after the fact doesn’t seem  _ real _ or normal to you?” 

He laughed, “Honey, there isn’t anything normal about either of us.”

“You have a point with that one.” 

The week was quiet at work; you were especially happy for once that it was a paperwork week. It didn’t take long for Penelope to run up to you and say she convinced ‘bossman’ to give you four girls the day off; little did she know is that you had already worked that out with him days previously. 

JJ, Penelope, Emily, and you spent the day at a small wedding boutique downtown. Dress after dress, nothing felt right. Some were too poofy, others too white, and many just...not  _ you. _

You were not impressed by the typical dress; you liked the more unique, less traditional types. You sighed, slipping on the last dress; it fit perfectly, which was surprising as the others were too big or small.

You turned around to see yourself in the mirror, and the sight that met you was not one you ever thought you would see. This was it. This was the dress. 

“Everything alright in there, babe,” Penelope said outside the dressing room door; instead of answering, you pulled the door open, and Penelope’s jaw hit the floor, “ _ Y/N…”  _

“Do you like it?” 

“I-I-”

“What is it, Pen,” JJ said, walking towards the dressing room; when she met you, she gasped, “Y/N! This is it,” She exclaimed, “Em, come see her!” 

The dress was a lace, embroidered, off-white wedding gown. The slip underneath only went to the top of your knees, leaving the sheerness of the fabric open to your legs, along with a slit up the left leg. 

It was a hit for all three girls, but you couldn’t help but wish you could show your mom. You didn’t want to upset her, have her think you did not include her in what was one of the most important events of your life, but you knew with her and your dad’s work schedule, it wasn’t feasible. 

That night you and Hotch were lying in bed, recounting your days to each other. You told him about the dress but were not surprised at his traditional standards of not seeing it beforehand. 

“You  _ do  _ realize we’re already married, right,” You teased, sitting up on your elbow, turned towards him. 

“Call me old fashioned-”

“You can’t make an old comment and not expect me to comment on it-”

“If you want to  _ consummate _ the marriage that night, I will keep that pretty mouth of yours shut,” Hotch gave you a tight-lipped smile, and your eyes grew wide at his words as they went straight to between your legs. 

“I don’t know how you’re going to expect me to wait all day on Saturday,” You gave him a frustrated glance, “I already have to deal with all of the unwanted attention,” You pouted, “Don’t make me beg.” 

“I actually like it when you beg,” Hotch said smugly, “We’ll just have to see.” 

It was finally the night before “the big day,” which wasn’t  _ so _ big, but it was important to Hotch and the rest of the team...and deep down, it was to you too. Only, you might be more receptive to it if you weren’t forced into a hotel room the night before. 

Damn, Penelope, throwing all of those old superstitions into everyone’s head. Did the  _ actual  _ legal marriage not mean anything? 

Hotch found the whole thing comical; the entire team pitched in and put you in the best room at the best hotel near you in Virginia. You didn’t want to accept the gift, but Hotch just continued to egg them on, finding more and more amusement in your annoyance. 

Annoyed as you laid in bed in the “bride-to-be” silk pajamas Penelope gifted you. You felt guilty not wearing them for even just a little while; you sent her a quick selfie in them, thanking her, but then found yourself completely comfortable.

But annoyance was not the only thing you felt; you felt...sad. You couldn’t help but feel lonely in the big hotel room without Hotch there. There were far too many nights where the two of you were forced apart; the odds had been against you one too many times. Being apart was not a choice you would make lightly. 

You sighed, feeling slightly pathetic as you picked up your cell phone and dialed Hotch’s number. 

“Hotchner,” He answered, and you giggled, “Y/N?” 

“Babe, seriously? That’s how you’re going to answer the phone to your kinda but actual wife?” 

Hotch laughed, “Sorry, habit,” he paused; you could hear him walking but was unsure what he was doing.

“What are you doing,” You asked, “And no, I am not going to ask you what you’re wearing.” 

You heard another laugh, “Don’t even start.” He warned, “Actually, just finishing up a few last-minute things for tomorrow.” 

“Last-minute things?” 

“Mhm,” He said, still shifting around on the other line, “I have a few surprises up my sleeve.” 

“Oh god-”

“All ones that are Y/N-Tolerable surprises,” He reassured, “Get ready to go to your door; I have something being delivered for you.” 

“Delivered,” You laughed, getting out of the far-too-big-bed-for-one and made your way towards the hotel door, “I told you, you didn’t have to go above and beyond with flo-”

You swung the door open, expecting a flower delivery or something along those lines. What you were met with was, yes, a flower delivery, but the delivery person was Hotch.

“Suprise,” He smiled, hanging up the cell phone, holding up a vase filled with sunflowers. 

“W-What are you doing here,” You smiled wide at him, “Get inside; I swear Penelope has tabs on the room,” You pulled him inside by his sleeve. 

“I didn’t want to go a night without you if I didn’t have to,” He shrugged, “We’ve spent-”

“Far too may apart,” You finished his sentence, “I thought the same thing.” 

“Good,” He leaned down and placed a tender kiss onto your lips, “As badly as I want to tease you for these pajamas, I think we have all pushed you so far out of your comfort zone this week that I will just keep my mouth shut.” 

You laughed, “Good,” then reached for the face he was still holding, “These are beautiful,” You smiled at him, taking the vase and putting it onto the table in the entryway of the hotel room. 

Before you could even entirely turn around, Hotch had you pulled into his arms. His lips were on yours like magnets; nothing about this kiss was gentle. It was filled with need and want. 

“You think a day’s gonna make a difference,” Hotch breathed through kisses, and you practically moaned with desire into his mouth. 

“ _ God, _ ” You said breathlessly, “ _ Please _ .” 

He lifted you then instantly and carried you over to that big bed you felt so lonely is not even ten minutes ago. Gently, he laid you down on top of the comforter, caging you in with his arms as he leaned over you. His lips never left yours. 

Nibbling on his bottom lips, your hips bucked against his. You ground yourself against his hard member as your legs were still wrapped around his waist. His hands went straight to your hips and firmly pressed them back, leaving finger-shaped bruises underneath the fabric of your shorts, you were sure. 

“So needy,” He said, his lips making their way to your jaw then trailing down your neck, “As much as I want to mark you before tomorrow, I’ll save that for the spots that will be covered.” 

You bit your bottom lip in anticipation as he said that against your skin before moving his lips further and further down, now meeting your chest, where the fabric of your button-up pajamas was. 

He ripped the shirt from the middle seam, sending buttons from the pajama top flying everywhere. You let out a small gasp, and he laughed, “Don’t act like you really wanted to wear that again,” His lips went straight to your breast now, his hand went to the other, rolling your hard nipple between his two fingers.

You arched your back into his touch, “Besides,” He said before flicking his tongue against your sensitive nipple, “I prefer you with no clothes on anyways.” 

“ _ God _ ,” You moaned, “I want you so badly.” 

“How badly,” He asked, sucking a purple spot on your breast. His lips moving their way down your abdomen to the waistband of your shorts; his hand snapped the elastic against your sensitive skin. You felt speechless, suddenly so overwhelmed with desire, “What? Did you forget how to use your words? It didn’t seem like it every other night the past two months,” He chuckled before sliding the shorts and panties down your legs onto the floor. 

Hotch licked a long line from your belly button down to your pubic bone. You let out a breathly moan, feeling his breath close to the spot you wanted and needed him the most. 

“I need you,” You begged, “ _ Aaron,  _ please.” 

“What do you want?” 

_ His famous line _ . 

He kissed each hip bone, caressing your inner thighs, “I want your mouth on me, and then I want you inside of me.” 

“Hm,” He said, “That didn’t sound too convincing.” 

“ _ Aaron _ ,” You whined, but before you could finish the sentence, he attached his lips to your clit, parting your folds with his fingers, “ _ Fuck!”  _

His lips continued to suck on the bundle of nerves before he slid two fingers into you, eliciting another moan from you. 

“I need you inside of me,” You begged, “I want to come with you inside of me, please.” 

Removing his mouth and fingers from you, he pushed himself off the bed; his eyes didn’t leave yours as he put the fingers that were just inside of you into his mouth. You felt yourself clench against nothing as he did that. 

He reached for his shirt and unbuttoned it tantalizingly slow; your eyes noticed the scar that was right above where his heart was. Forever marked there. He saw you staring and gave you a soft smile, reassuring you he was okay without having to say it. 

Unbuckling his belt, then pants, he slid those along with his boxers off his legs, kicking his shoes off along with them. He was caging you in with his body once more before you could even blink. 

Teasing your entrance with his tip, he wasted no time before he slid into you fully, once seated. He stayed there for a moment, letting you adjust. 

“Fuck,” Hotch cursed, “It’s been too long.” 

You could only nod, your lips finding his jaw, kissing along the scruffiness that you were happy he still kept. 

Starting at a slow pace, he began to pump in and out of you, kissing you in between fiercely. You met his hips with every thrust, bucking into each movement. He began to quicken, moving apart from the kiss, his eyes locked with yours. 

“Look at me,” He said forcefully, “I want you to look at me when you come,” he said, his hand moving down to your throat, “You hear me?” 

“Yes, sir,” You moaned, “ _ Fuck _ ,” you cursed, “I’m so close.” 

He tightened his grip around your throat slightly, his pace thrusting into you at a steady yet quick pace. You began to squeeze your eyes shut, feeling the familiar buildup that you had missed so much, but he squeezed your neck so tightly, your eyes went wide. 

“Good girl,” Hotch said, “Eyes here.” 

His praise was enough to set you over the edge, moaning his name loudly into the hotel room as you came around him hard. He continued to guide you through your orgasm, steadily pumping in and out of you, but then took his hand from your throat and held himself up over you as he came, his teeth sinking into your shoulder. 

“God, that felt good,” Hotch said, catching his breath, rolling off of you. You moaned slightly at the movement where you were most sensitive. 

“I missed you,” You turned to place a soft kiss on his lips, “No more getting shot, I don’t know if I can survive going without that ever again.” 

He let out a low, tired laugh, “You and me both, baby.” You both laid there like that for a moment before Hotch sighed, “Let’s clean you up and get ready for bed.”

You yawned, “Yeah, tomorrow’s going to be a long say,” you laughed. 

“Long, but good day.” 

“True,” You smiled as he walked towards the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth. After cleaning you off and getting back into bed, you sat in his arms as he traced lazy lines up and down your side, leaving goosebumps in its wake. 

“Wait,” You jumped up; he frowned at your sudden burst of energy, “I want to give you something before tomorrow.” 

He smiled softly, “I think what just happened was enough of a gift to last me a long time, but okay,” He chuckled, seeing you practically skip with excitement to your bag. 

Inside, you pulled out a gold foiled wrapped small box. You climbed back into bed, handing Hotch the gift.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” He gave you an appreciative smile as he began unwrapping the paper, “You’re going to have to wait until tomorrow for yours.”

Hotch looked down at the leather box as he opened it slowly; inside was a brand new Rolex watch. Hotch had his since the beginning of his time as unit chief of the BAU. You felt he deserved a new one, a more  _ personable  _ one.

He was speechless, knowing how much it must have cost you, but you knew he couldn’t argue given the beautiful piece of jewelry he gifted to you not too long ago.

“Look at the back,” You said.

He looked up and frowned at you in confusion before turning the watch; on the back was engraved.

_ ‘I promise to love you forever.’  _

Signed with your first name initial. 

He looked back up to you, the emotion displayed on his face, “I thought you said things like that couldn’t be promised?” 

“You’ve proven me wrong on a lot of things, Aaron,” You gave him a gentle smile, “I never thought I would ever be this lucky.” 

“You and me both,” he leaned toward you, pressing a loving kiss to the side of your temple. 

That night the two of you slept in each other’s arms, no fears or questioning that a promise to spend the rest of your life together was wrong or unattainable. 

You were glad the morning and afternoon went on quite normally. You went about your usual routines as if tonight wasn’t some big event, but when nightfall did come, you suddenly felt butterflies within you. 

The surprises hit you one by one, the first being Spencer, who spent his time the past week getting certified to officiate the wedding. 

“You’re kidding, Spence,” You said, shocked, “That is...just the coolest thing.” 

“There are no two people I am happier for to do this,” Spencer said before leaning in for a rare hug, “I’m happy for you both.” 

The next surprise was how incredible the backyard looked at Rossi’s, but were you shocked? You heard the stories of JJ’s wedding here. 

Then came the square box sitting on the desk in the guest room you got ready with at Rossi’s. You opened it and inside was a diamond necklace, it was simple. Classy. Not overly flashy. It was  _ you. _

Inside a note attached: 

_ ‘I promise I will lay off of the traditions, but I figured if I am your something old, then you deserve something new. - A’  _

You couldn’t help but laugh before putting the necklace on. Always seeming to amaze you, that man. Already having the dress on, you noticed just how perfect the jewelry went with it. 

You were startled by a knock at the door; you made your way towards the door, swinging it open, and almost fell to your knees in surprise. 

“Hey!” 

Both of your parents were standing there, dressed in their best clothes, outside of the door. They both had the biggest grins on their face, and you couldn’t help but feel the moment was more than surreal. 

“W-What...I mean w-what-”

“Aaron flew us in,” Your mom grinned, “Yesterday, actually.”

“I finally got to meet the guy who’s putting the smile on your face all of these months last night at dinner,” Your dad said proudly, “You did good, kid.” 

“Dinner,” You said, shocked, not knowing any of this but putting the pieces together. How it all made sense, why he needed you out of the house. 

“Yes,” Your mom smiled, “He insisted we stay in the guest room, which is beautiful. The whole house it. And that boy,” Your mom’s face softened. 

“You met Jack?”

“He is the sweetest thing,” Your mom gushed, “I just,” your mom pulled you in for a hug, “I just am so happy for you, honey.” 

“You have no idea how happy I am; you both are here,” You sniffled, tears forming in your eyes.

“We are so happy to be here,” Your dad said, “You look...beautiful, Y/N.” 

“Thank you,” You smiled, “So…” 

“So?” 

“Will you both walk me down the aisle?” 

“Of course,” Your mom said immediately. 

“Just no falling, cause your sister will catch it all on video downstairs,” Your dad teased. 

“ _ What?”  _

“She’s here, too,” Your mom nodded, “Aaron did it all; he set the whole thing up a while ago,” your mom thought, “I think right when he got home from the hospital.”

“That long ago?” 

“He’s a keeper, I’m telling you,” Your mom said, and you couldn’t agree more. 

  
  


Through your nerves and worries of being the center of attention, you all made your way downstairs. Both parents’ arms around you, you felt for the first time in your life at ease with both of them. All of the difficulties in the past because none of it mattered now like this. 

True happiness stood in front of you, down the make-shift aisle Rossi made in the backyard. You walked slowly towards Hotch, your eyes not leaving him, and at that moment, you felt like you were coming home. A feeling you had never felt before. 

You had no doubts about the man at the end of the aisle. He was a man who took you for who you were and didn’t think any less of you; if anything, he thought more of you. He understood you better than anyone else did, sometimes better than your own self. He knew exactly what you needed when you were not feeling well or how to comfort you when life became all too much. 

As you both exchanged lines of meaningful words, you both meant every syllable of it. Promises left both of your lips without hesitation. 

  
  


The night was more perfect than you could have ever imagined. You were surrounded and supported by loving people in your life...your family—the team, your parents, your sister, Jack, Jessica, and of course Hotch. 

And in the end, you realized that’s all you ever needed. So when Hotch promised you that he’d love you forever, you believed it.

Not much had changed after the wedding bliss died down, thankfully. You felt more at ease, knowing you could not only be open about being married, but it  _ felt _ real this time. 

Life just continued to go on, each day better than the last, until it wasn’t. 

Heartache filled the Hotchner household once more as you had a suspicion you were pregnant but miscarried before your first appointment. This time worse than the last, you felt the idea of becoming a mother may never happen. 

“You and Jack are enough for me, Y/N,” Hotch told you, “Please don’t ever think otherwise.” 

At every chance he could get, the months that followed, he reminded you of that, so when you found out you were pregnant again, you chose not to share with him, assuming you would miscarry once more. 

It was Hotch’s birthday, but at work, he preferred nobody knew that. Although they all knew, they just respected his wishes not to say anything. 

Knocking on his door, you walked into his office with a smile on his face and a small gift bag. 

“Y/N, not at work, please,” He begged, “You know how I feel about my birthday.” 

“I know you hate to be reminded of your impending elder years, but I couldn’t wait to share this one with you,” You handed him the small gift back. 

He gave you a lenient frown, then sighed, pulling out the framed ultrasound you had in the bag. 

“I’m pregnant.” 

  
  


THE END.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Alright. I’m not crying. Nope. Not crying whatsoever. 
> 
> Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you for reading my story. It not only means a lot to me as a writer but giving me a place to share some of my deepest pains means more to me than you’ll ever know. 
> 
> I wanted to give special thanks to my wonderful friends, Alycia (baubadass), Morgan (emilyhotchwhore), and Gabby (hotchsdirtycumslut), for all of their support and love throughout this book! I am not sure I would have finished it without them. 
> 
> Last but not least, keep an eye out for my next story which will be out within the next week or so called, “Cashmere, Cologne, and White Sunshine” which is a story completely different from this one. May I say….sugardaddy!Hotch? 
> 
> With love, always, 
> 
> Kiley

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


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